Category Archives: Features

Rooney Mara’s Mysterious Ways

–Vogue, February 2013

Rooney Mara woke, as ever, precisely at dawn. She peeled herself from the metal sleeping surface; her thermal silhouette, lying invisibly where she had lain, began to fade in the morning cold.

“Eggs. Two. Fried. Toast. Coffee,” she said aloud, stepping into the dark kitchen. But there were no sophisticated appliances capable of voice recognition, and nothing happened.

Rooney Mara walked onto a balcony through a door left open during the night. She looked out at a glittering section of a town whose name she had never bothered to learn (it was Los Angeles) and began gently to sway, her bare heels sounding like tape peeled from its roll as they lifted away from sturdy redwood planks filmed with day-old grape jelly.

Later, stacking empty thread spools to make a spire, Rooney Mara pricked her finger on a sewing needle wedged secretly in one spool’s cleft and cursed.


She held the stung finger close to her face and waited, with an expiring frown, for a pinhead of blood that did not appear.

The tires on Rooney Mara’s car shuddered and moaned ghostily as, at 10 a.m. exactly, she careened into the drive-through of the In-N-Out Burger nearest to her home. To a sign displaying the menu and embedded with a microphone and speaker she said, “Hi, can I get a ha-haaaa? Can I get a haa-haa-haaaaa?” Her voice was flat and mirthless.

“Did you give me a ha-haaaaa?” She drew out the last syllable until eventually it grew quiet as she ran out of breath.

“Did you give me a haa…,” but she hadn’t paused long enough to breathe, and this time “ha” was whispered.

“Ma’am?” said a voice projected from the speaker.

“Can I know about your haaaaaaaa…” This time she’d gotten a good breath and the question carried on for nearly a minute before her diaphragm shuddered and quit.

Inside, a manager said, “That’s Rooney Mara.”

“The actor?” asked the teenager taking orders.

“Yeah. Just fill a bag with crumbled up tray sheets and scoop some fries on top. She barely looks,” said the manager.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ll see.”

So the younger man filled a large bag with balled tray covers, then carefully arranged two scoops of fries so they covered the paper. “That’s three eighteen at the window,” he said into his microphone.

Hearing this from the outdoor speaker, Rooney Mara drove forward and stopped parallel to the window. A boy she thought was about her age stood inside looking at her.

“Hi, uh, three eighteen,” he said.

She reached both hands through her car window and held them out in expectation.

“Three eighteen?” said the teenager.

Rooney Mara’s arms straightened painfully, and her fingers stretched at odd angles. She showed all of her teeth.

The teenager nervously reached the bagful of paper and fries toward Rooney Mara, and slowly her arms closed around it, no quicker but with no less intention than the pedals of a flower hinging inward at sundown.

The tires tut-tutted as Rooney Mara accelerated out into mid-morning traffic, fries and balled paper spilling from the bag left slumped among inky motor oil stains on the drive-through’s newspaper-gray pavement.

Once, in a Vermont ski lodge when Rooney Mara was 11, she watched flames lap thirstily at stones in a giant fireplace while her parents drank wine and talked about whether to brave the evening snowfall or order pizza. Mrs. Mara screamed and Mr. Mara shouted “God!” when they noticed, almost simultaneously, that Rooney Mara had immersed both of her arms up to the elbows in the roaring fire. A doctor’s dinner was interrupted by the hotel’s urgent call, and he chided the parents for exaggerating when he found nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with the girl’s arms.

Once, when Rooney Mara was on a roller coaster, she became scared, her grip tightening on the leg of the boy next to her. The boy’s leg was beginning to hurt a great deal when all life suddenly drained from the cars, bringing them to a stop near the middle of a steep decline.

“Better,” Rooney Mara exhaled, and released her grip.

Once, Rooney Mara told her mother that she was finished riding the pony her parents had rented for her birthday party. Mrs. Mara told her to stay in the saddle while her father reloaded the camera. The pony’s legs wobbled and folded underneath him, and his belly slapped the grass, his pupils shrinking to dots. Rooney Mara slid off the carcass and walked across the lawn toward a group of her friends who were getting their faces painted to look like mice.


7 Need-to-Know Facts About Star Wars

A new Star Wars trilogy is over the horizon! Here are seven stellar bits of trivia concerning the first six films. Guaranteed to impress even your nerdiest friends!

  1. The gold-colored character C3PO, who appears in all six Star Wars films, is, in fact, made of metal! He is a robot.
  2. The clone warriors of Episodes I, II, & III, though they look identical to Storm Troopers, are good guys!
  3. Chewbacca, Han Solo’s wookie assistant, is always just saying “Chewbacca!” in wookie language when he talks.
  4. The Ewoks, who appear in Episode VI, were played by trained dogs! After the movie’s completion, each of the actors had to keep one!
  5. During the filming of Episode II, a wild pig got onto the Millenium Falcon set and George Lucas shot it!
  6. In order to film the underwater scenes in Phantom Menace, the actor who played Jar-Jar Binks had to learn to actually breath underwater!
  7. In Episode III, Revenge of the Sith, you can see a weird little thing that wasn’t supposed to be there. George Lucas was reportedly so angry about this, he divorced his wife.

W.A.S. Ad Solutions Networks

We have started a solutions networks for advertisers! If you’re an advertiser, or know someone who is, or is affiliated with one, or if you’re affiliated with one, and if it’s solutions you/they/she/he/it are after, look no further than our “networks.”™ We offer an adaptable, highly-rigid set of solutions developed over many years of industry experience and experimentation. Our list of clients speaks for itself:

• Jumanji
• Eric Idle (Monty Python, Spamalot)
• Boston Public Sewer System

Ask yourself this: Do you want ads that grab the attention of potential clients and won’t let go? That shake potential clients like a dog shakes a rabbit? That ingest clients whole like in the snake–rat arrangement? Let us revivify your dying brand. Here’s what we did for Google, a popular search engine whose quiet, lackluster ads littered New York City subway stations for months:

Our "murder" concept revivified Google's moribund subway campaign.

Two weeks after we tweaked the flaccid copy on Google’s subway posters — “juiced it and goosed it”™ — whatever service it was they were trying to sell experienced a sudden jump in impressions, engagement, awareness, and money happening™.

The results speak for themselves. And they speak volumes. Isn’t it time you gave your product the edge it needs to drive consumers down the purchase funnel toward longterm loyalty? Do you want customers, or brand ambassadors? The answers are — or should be — obvious. Or what, are you a turncoat piece of shit working covertly for a competitor?

Stuff to Shout When You’re Watching Sports With Dudes

Thanksgiving weekend is upon us here in the United States, and that means SPORTS are right up on us, too. Yes, if you know a dude, are a dude, or just choose to emulate dude patterns, you will surely have no choice but to watch some sports this weekend. Which means you’ll have no choice but to shout things at the screen, supposedly to communicate something to an athlete, a coach, or a ref, but really — anthropologists believe — more for the benefit of the (other) dudes in the room. So GET IT RIGHT this year! Read through this useful guide and ensure that you are prepared to dole out the sauciest, most biting, most BADASS color commentary — no matter which sport is raging up there on the 72-inch plasma.


Ref needs an eye check! Glasses! Saw it bad!

Piled of spires… desperate to, to…


I look at these reminds me of my old race sets…

Teachin’ table French.


This has to be some kinda new joke, this style of, am I ahead, am I behind, what’s the next… It’s what’s the next MEANING for these guys, in reality.


Goddamn god in HEAVEN but they shimmer…

This guy’ll put his needle’n’thread through everything catches the light, grandma bless him. He’s Alexander the Great out there.

    Soft-Core Pornography

Even if his tongue ISN’T touching her pussy right now, he can definitely taste something. I mean he’s tasting SOMETHING in that bufferzone of air, and he knows exactly what it is.

    Werner Herzog’s “Cave of Dreams”

No, you leave this ON. I’ve heard inCREDIBLE things about this film. You wanna go watch some goddamn Michael-Bay-Avatar-3D-paint-by-numbers BULLSHIT… [tears flooding the eyes]… you go ahead… [breathing heavy]… Me I don’t mind getting some CULTURE on my pizza… [hands covering face]… Pass me some peetz–… [sobs twice]… pass me a BEER [extends hand, cheeks wet].

Harrison Ford Has Met Someone

Using CGI techniques developed by James Cameron for the film An Avatar, we created this exploration of the private world of actor/gymnast Harrison Ford.

Equine Upholstery

When it comes to equine upholstery, we’re really just talking about horses in blankets. Of course,’just’ talking about horses in blankets is a little like “just” talking about a fire burning down your house: it’s actually a pretty big deal. Or squirrels with metal heads.

One question we’re asked time and again has less to do with the animals than with the blankets themselves:

“How can you tell me about the blankets?”

Well, first of all, blankets, like all blankets, come in a huge variety of shapes and sizes: cotton & metal. Next, figure out what your horse prefers . . . after all, “it” is the one who will be wearing it. Here’s an example of a great purple blanket, classic cut, some insulation, purple:


Notice that the blanket fastens around the animal’s chest. This is largely a superstitious measure, but has become standard over the years.

Of course, other shades of purple are feasible and in fact quite popular:


And although it has never actually been done, it is theoretically possible to create a smaller blanket that would concentrate heat in the chest and front leg-tops:


. . . or even a red blanket with a hooding utensil:


No such limitations exist for blue iridescent fabrics, which come in as many shapes and cuts as there are horses:



Where the fuck is this one going:

running away

Although horses are not exceptionally intelligent, their purity of spirit has earned them man’s respect. They do not comprehend that by wearing a blanket they are being kept warm. Making the animal understand, however, is often as simple as printing the blanket with hot comets. Looking at the comets, the horse will understand that he is warmer with the blanket than without it:


Of course, a horse wearing a head blanket with comets may not understand that he’s being warmed, but other horses will feel encouraged to see that their friend is being heated:


Other animals for whom blankets are a suitable heating option include . . .


. . .a dog . . .


. . . a zebra . . .


. . . and a bear.

In the category of horse blankets, it’s exactly what they say: “the options are only limited by your imagination”:




(Most of these designs can be had for around thirty bucks. The best place to pick them up is still the grocery store, although is rapidly gaining ground. If you end up buying one, mention that you read about horse blankets on and they may spare at least your family’s lives.)

Total Dismissals

If you find yourself discussing somebody you really dislike, and you’re looking to dismiss him – dismiss him big time – and really let the person you’re talking to know how little you think of the other person (the person under discussion), well, you could do worse than to drop one of these Total Dismissals on that motherf###er (the person under discussion).

I wouldn’t shoot him if he were being dragged by a polar bear into its cave, and I were a crack shot.

If he were being devoured by piranhas, I wouldn’t put a gun to his head and shoot him. (Not because I’d be too squeamish.)

If he were being beamed up into the spacecraft of an alien race known to be utterly sadistic in their physiological studies of the human animal, I wouldn’t waste a bullet on him. (Not because I wouldn’t be sure of hitting him – I’m a crack shot.)

I wouldn’t shoot him with pool water if I were in the process of pumping out my pool for the winter anyway, and he were on fire right there in my yard.

I wouldn’t take his advice, though he were an expert in the field under review.

I wouldn’t give him a dollar for an emergency phone call even if that dollar, having been doused in some exotic, wildly caustic acid by a depraved cashier, were literally burning a hole in my pocket.

I wouldn’t shoot him to spare him some greater, fatal agony. The only way I’d shoot him is if he were doing just fine.

Though I’d like nothing more than to chop him up into little pieces, then unhurriedly feed the pieces into a volcano, I would not do that if it were going to spare him some even worse fate – like if the only way to keep his soul from being consigned to an eternity of blackest suffering in the deepest pit of Hell were for somebody to cube him and toss him into a volcano, then not only would I not cube & toss him, but I’d do my best to convince any would-be good samaritans not to intervene with their cubing blades either.

If he were being carried away by a giant predatory bird, and I had a longbow that I knew how to use, and I was on the verge of starvation, and that predatory bird was the first potential food source I’d seen in over a week on the barren Earth-like planet where we all found ourselves, I wouldn’t fire on the bird.

I wouldn’t waste my brake pads letting him get across the crosswalk.

I would try to follow the predatory bird back to its cave, and once it had dispatched our mutual “friend” using its butcher knife talons and two-foot serrated beak, I’d then put an arrow in its eye, mutter a silent prayer of thanks over its quivering carcass, and sate my hunger, my greater thirsts having already been sated.

I wouldn’t approve of his dating my sister, nor under any circumstances loan him money, nor, probably, should he continue to reference me in job applications.

Good New Jokes

We spend about a hundred hours a week researching and developing new jokes. Once they’re finished, we use them at parties, in speeches, and as things to say to cops. Here are a few of this week’s gems. Bring them to the pub tonight and see if your pals don’t eye you with a little more respect than you’re used to.

– What’s the difference between a dog and tree? Where the bark is! Where it comes from!

– And the difference between a cow and ice cream? Ice cream’s contents are enclosed by waffle, and a cow waffles when you ask him to disclose his contents!

– Between Judas and the Romans, Jesus got double-crossed!

– What’s the difference between a newspaper and toilet paper? One is for wiping and one is for spreading!

– What did the aggressive pugilist say to the toilet? “I’m going pull up your lid and shit down your neck!!!”

– “Wait a minute,” says the man to the bird, “I’ll print out directions.” “That’s okay,” says the bird, “I’ll wing it!”

– A woman looks in the mirror and tells the store clerk, “No thanks. I think this jacket reflects poorly on me!”

– What did the happy book say to his friend, also a book? “We have a very good shelf life!”

– What’s the difference between the cooked pig and the man who dislikes it? The pig roasts on the spit!

– And the difference between a truffle pig and hippies? The pig grunts and ruts before he finds the mushrooms!

Have fun with these, and remember that when it comes to successful joke-telling, delivery is everything. Don’t be afraid to mumble quietly in a foreign accent!

10 Things You Need to Be Aware of This Week

Tires. Durable rubber gets you and your family where you’re going with minimal slippage and a smooth ride. Custom treads let you imprint mud and wet asphalt with your website address or a personalized messages like “Darren is a fucker Darren”.
Keyboards. Entering data into a computer has never been easier … or more fun. Just press the letter and in a few minutes a picture of an animal will appear on your screen.
Magazines. With their regular turnaround, short publication schedules, and large staffs, magazines are ideally positioned to give in depth analysis of celebrity news.
Popsicles. How better to cool off on a hot day than with a sweet, smooth, cool treat that is the shape of a cock, including the contours of the ‘dick head’ and even a penis hole. Holding a popsicle two-handed completes the trompe l’oeil with a pair of plausibly hairy balls.
Religion. As popular as sex, music, art, and self-awareness are becoming, the alternative is more than holding its own. Some things attracting people to religion are:
– All knowledge is contained in one book.
– The prospect of life after death makes the prospect of death 15% less disconcerting.
Candy. Promise yourself one piece of candy at the end of each week during which you stay out of knife fights and knife conventions, and don’t build a knife or reclaim a knife that you’ve hidden for a rainy day.
Folders. Tired of your paperwork getting mixed up, scattered, and sometimes even — worse comes to worst — lost? Put papers that deal with like subjects into a folder, then organize folders by stacking them on a table diagonally from black to red.
Sheep. Sheep are made of wool, just like many of your favorite clothes… Get the picture? Actually, few people realize that most clothing is made of sheep. Before you get too upset about this arrangement, be aware that sheep are extraordinarily lazy. The average sheep, left to his own devices, spends his day eating grass, drinking from streams, dancing, and sleeping in a pile under his family. Better to grind up that sheep in a grinder, press and dry the resulting paste, cut the dried sheets into thin filaments, braid the filaments into shapes, and then glue the shapes into suits, vests, and clothes.
Fire. Fire provides both heat and light, which can only be said of one other thing: light. Fire can also heat food or objects, light subject matter, and explode.

Change We'd Like to See BEFORE 2010!!!

It’s a hopeful time in America right now, in America and in the world at large. It is hopeful even if the hope is tempered with grave concern; in our opinion, though, that gravity has only created a greater possibility for real progress. It has provided, in a manner of speaking, the pressure necessary for catalysis. In an environment so conducive to change, all that’s left is for some great ideas to be introduced, so that we can put this engine of genuine intent to the task of moving our planet in the right direction.

Having heard history’s call, and thus ballasted by a sense of righteous duty, we’ve spent nearly several hours coming up with a comprehensive game plan for mankind. Here is our list of changes that we must all band together to accomplish in the coming year.

Movies That Should Be Made
– A film that examines which would be more likely to make a flying seagull crash: stomache ache, or a blinding flash of light. This could be approached as a documentary or, probably better, an action film. Tony Scott to direct if it’s action, the French guys who did that one movie a couple of years ago if it’s a doc.

– A movie that updates the classic Abbott & Costello bit “Who’s On First?” This version is about if Chevy Chase lived in Chevy Chase, Maryland, how confusing it would be when he told people his mailing address. Tony Scott to direct. Tobey Maguire as a young Chevy Chase.

– “Scooby-Doo: Redo”: When the Scooby-Doo film came out in 2002, people were really pissed off — justifiably. We didn’t have to see it to know it sucked. Way back in ’98, when longtime ‘Doo fans first learned that a feature film was in development, anticipation was so heavy that people started chatting about it on message boards, on the internet. Post-release, disappointment was so great that hundreds of people killed themselves using suicide. We propose a “doo-over”. Let’s start from scratch and make a fresh Scooby-Doo film that does the source material proud. Shaggy: Josh Lucas, Velma: Meryl Streep, Daphne: Tilda Swinton, Fred: Jeremy Irons. Claymation Scooby voiced by William Hurt. Screenplay by Paul Haggis. Director Mike Nichols.

Foods That Should Be Combined
– Jello and salmon
– Pepper and leather
– Jello and leather
– Metal
– Jello and metal

New Ways To Describe Which State A Person Is From
– “Californian” should become “Californer”.
– A person from Iowa, rather than being called an “Iowan”, would better be described as simply “Iowa”.
– “Massachusettsan” is terrifically awkward. A better option would be “Massachutta”.
– “Utahn” should be shortened to simply “Utah”.
– “Arizonans” and “Alaskans” would more accurately be described as simply “Arizona” and “Alaska”.
– “Rhode Islander” should be changed to simply “Island”.
– “Wisconsinites” could better be referred to as simply “Wisconsonoliologists”.
– A “Kansan” should become simply a “Kentuckian”.
– “Montanans” should become simply “Wolf Men”, a reference to the fact that wolves once roamed Montana.
– The term “Alabamian” has lost its usefulness; better would be “Amabamian”.
– “Delawareans” might better be referred to as “Phantasm”.
– “New Hampshirite” becomes “Phantom”.
– “South Dakotan” becomes “Phantasm”.
– “Virginians” become “Phantasm”.
– “Mainers” become “Amainercans”.
– People from the other states are “Soda”.

Images That Should Be Put On Euros
– Gargoyles (small; all notes)
– Lobster (main; 50 cent coin)
– Egg (main; one Euro coin)
– Nostradamus (main; 20 Euro note)
– Timberland work boot (main; five cent coin)
– Orbs (small; all notes)
– Lots of little lobsters attached to orbs, making up spore jelly (main; 100 Euro note)
– Jason Statham, dressed as “The Transporter” (small; all notes)
– Cat and rabbit (main; 50 Euro note)