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When it comes to equine upholstery, we’re really just talking about horses in blankets. Of course, “just” talking about horses in blankets is a little like “just” talking about a fire burning down your house: it’s actually a pretty big deal. Or squirrels with metal heads.

One question we’re asked time and again has less to do with the animals than with the blankets themselves:

“How can you tell me about the blankets?”

Well, first of all, blankets, like all blankets, come in a huge variety of shapes and sizes: cotton & metal. Next, figure out what your horse prefers . . . after all, “it” is the one who will be wearing it. Here’s an example of a great purple blanket, classic cut, some insulation, purple:

Notice that the blanket fastens around the animal’s chest. This is largely a superstitious measure, but has become standard over the years.

Of course, other shades of purple are feasible and in fact quite popular:

And although it has never actually been done, it is theoretically possible to create a smaller blanket that would concentrate heat in the chest and front leg-tops:

. . . or even a red blanket with a hooding utensil:

No such limitations exist for blue iridescent fabrics, which come in as many shapes and cuts as there are horses:

Where the fuck is this one going:

Although horses are not exceptionally intelligent, their purity of spirit has earned them man’s respect. They do not comprehend that by wearing a blanket they are being kept warm. Making the animal understand, however, is often as simple as printing the blanket with hot comets. Looking at the comets, the horse will understand that he is warmer with the blanket than without it:

Of course, a horse wearing a head blanket with comets may not understand that he’s being warmed, but other horses will feel encouraged to see that their friend is being heated:

Other animals for whom blankets are a suitable heating option include . . .

. . .a dog . . .

. . . a zebra . . .

. . . and a bear.

In the category of horse blankets, it’s exactly what they say: “the options are only limited by your imagination”:

(Most of these designs can be had for around thirty bucks. The best place to pick them up is still the grocery store, although AmericanAirlines.com is rapidly gaining ground. If you end up buying one, mention that you read about horse blankets on wearescientists.com and they may spare at least your family’s lives.)