Equine Upholstery

When it comes to equine upholstery, we’re really just talking about horses in blankets. Of course, “just” talking about horses in blankets is a little like “just” talking about a fire burning down your house: it’s actually a pretty big deal. Or squirrels with metal heads.

One question we’re asked time and again has less to do with the animals than with the blankets themselves:

“How can you tell me about the blankets?”

Well, first of all, blankets, like all blankets, come in a huge variety of shapes and sizes: cotton & metal. Next, figure out what your horse prefers . . . after all, “it” is the one who will be wearing it. Here’s an example of a great purple blanket, classic cut, some insulation, purple:


Notice that the blanket fastens around the animal’s chest. This is largely a superstitious measure, but has become standard over the years.

Of course, other shades of purple are feasible and in fact quite popular:


And although it has never actually been done, it is theoretically possible to create a smaller blanket that would concentrate heat in the chest and front leg-tops:


. . . or even a red blanket with a hooding utensil:


No such limitations exist for blue iridescent fabrics, which come in as many shapes and cuts as there are horses:



Where the fuck is this one going:

running away

Although horses are not exceptionally intelligent, their purity of spirit has earned them man’s respect. They do not comprehend that by wearing a blanket they are being kept warm. Making the animal understand, however, is often as simple as printing the blanket with hot comets. Looking at the comets, the horse will understand that he is warmer with the blanket than without it:


Of course, a horse wearing a head blanket with comets may not understand that he’s being warmed, but other horses will feel encouraged to see that their friend is being heated:


Other animals for whom blankets are a suitable heating option include . . .


. . .a dog . . .


. . . a zebra . . .


. . . and a bear.

In the category of horse blankets, it’s exactly what they say: “the options are only limited by your imagination”:




(Most of these designs can be had for around thirty bucks. The best place to pick them up is still the grocery store, although AmericanAirlines.com is rapidly gaining ground. If you end up buying one, mention that you read about horse blankets on wearescientists.com and they may spare at least your family’s lives.)

16 Responses to “Equine Upholstery”

  1. Joanne says:

    Should we be worried about the state of your *Mental Health* or do you just *LIKE* horses?????

  2. Kerstin says:

    though I found it quite interesting.

  3. will says:

    this made me chuckle.

  4. J says:

    “Where the fuck is this one going” made laugh very much. Gold.

  5. A horse says:

    That was very informative. It made me realize that my whole knowledge of “equine upholstery” was simply a bunch of stereotypes. Thank you!

  6. junkie says:

    thank you so much, hope this will help me for my criminal law exam next week !

  7. Heather says:

    Finally, it’s about time people started taking this cold weather seriously….I made one out of socks for my cat with an added cape…beautiful….thou he looks somewhat confused by it all.

  8. Marielle says:

    Oh jeez, my mum has got this all wrong. :/

  9. Mark says:

    Damn American Airlines.
    I think a full audit should be done.
    Investors wont be happy to hear that they are kidnaping families.

  10. karin says:

    Those options are too limited. Next time more information about how to keep the horse protected from the wind an elements. I’ve heard the bubble wrap blanket are the best option.

  11. Mares must be thinking “Those are sexy horses”. Specially the one in the blanket of flames.

  12. Lo says:

    haha my horse has blankets with a hood to keep her warm in her stable and then a waterproof one for when she’s outside. Never expected to find this on WAS’ website…Made my evening this did :D

  13. Amac says:

    The real question is where can I buy one for myself?

  14. [...] We Are Scientists There is just so much quality writing on the We Are Scientists website (about nine years’ worth, to be pacific), so it would be impossible for me to tell you all the highlights. But, the link here will take you to their most recent posts about actor/gymnast Harrison Ford, and Equine Upholstery, which should keep you going for a short while. Do take a look at their advice column, too, because as you would expect, it is quite good. [...]

  15. [...] We Are Scientists [...]

  16. Amy Jo Turner says:

    haha, i love you guys, finally someone with the same sense of humour as me:) XD can’t wait for the new album:) never fail to impress:)

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