Chris reviews HIS MUSTACHE

My mustache possesses the simplicity of elegance. As a statement it is assertive and concise. But it is not a statement.
My mustache demonstrates a preternatural wisdom. It is fledgling, yet it speaks with assurance, with the creaseless authority of the eternal.
My mustache, were it a sandwich, would be a club. Were it a plane, it would be a MiG-28.

Many ask, of my mustache, “Does it make you better than other people?” I admit that it does. Because of my mustache I can go into a grocery store and collect the items I need, pay, and get out of there without being distracted by the colorful packaging of the hundreds of thousands of products I don’t need. Because of my mustache I can run a mile in two minutes forty seconds. At least, before I couldn’t and now I can. Because of my mustache people are more suspicious of me, and rightly so.
One thing I have to hand to my mustache is that it knows sports. I don’t follow sports at all, so when a sports buff tries to make conversation it’s usually a nonstarter. But now with my mustache on board, somebody says, “Oh, Barry So-and-so of the Pistons got into that amazing scrimmage with Dwight D. Whomever of the 49ers and shot two for two off the line or whatever,” and I’m just like, “Yeah? No shit! That’s hockey?”
An aspect of my mustache that I’ve never been totally at peace with is its ability to accurately predict the future. It almost always withholds from me the fruits of this ability, so my problem is not that I have to deal with knowing what’s going to happen in the coming years and centuries; my problem is more general than that. Specifically, do I have an ethical responsibility to try to convince my mustache to be frank with the world about where things are heading? So that we can all try to band together and avoid any grave repercussions of our current environmental, political, and religious habits? Does my mustache owe it to us to divulge details about imminent climatic tragedies — large scale earthquakes, etc. — so that we can better prepare for them? Should I try to prevail upon my mustache to give us the answers to “the big” questions: How did the universe begin? Is there non-human intelligent life on other planets? Does God exist? If so, how best shall we make appeals to him, and what is his intention for us?