Bugles

Who knew the good folks over at General Mills continue to crank out Bugles, America’s favorite conical snack? They do, and what’s more they are available in the snack machine on my floor here at the Multi-Demonic International Visual Gag Facory, where I work.
Sniff of a freshly-opened bag and your reward is essence de glue — but that’s not a bad thing. It’s testimony to what a light, effemoral flavor the Bugle effects; so light that it’s easily overwhelmed by the woody but innocuous packaging adhesive. And light enough that it’s totally overwhelmed by the tuna salad sandwich I’ve chosen as its date to the mid-day dance.
On the back of the bag, there is this: “THE RED SPOON PROMISE: The Red Spoon is my promise of great taste, quality and convenience. This is a product you and your family will enjoy. I guarantee it.” That, signed by Betty Crocker herself. To her signature she appends her toll-free phone number, the hours when it’s okay to call, her web address, and her mailing address; all of this in case you should want to take issue with The Promise or talk smack with Betty about pallid Bugle immitators like Dorito’s 3-D. Giving out Betty Crocker’s personal contact info is, to me, a great idea. I’m not even sure Betty Crocker makes Bugles; I think she’s just a very satisfied fan with some industry clout who wants to help out the brand by throwing her weight behind it. And I’m all for Bugles getting big, getting the popular recognition they deserve, as I’m sure they soon will. But part of me, a rather shrill and strident part, is hoping Bugles will remain my little secret. Frankly, I love sliding a bag out of my shirt at a party, pulling it open and passing it around. And the ensuing chorus: “Bugles, eh? Why haven’t I ever heard of these fellas?”; “What is it? ‘Buggles’? I love these — [munch munch] — how come I’ve never heard of ’em?” And I’m the hero. Me. I am. Not some goddamn corporate vagary named Betty — ME. Not some sonofabitching Wizard of Oz bullshit robotic Betty Crocker figurehead who leapt onto the wagon only once it was fucking safe, but ME.