What is it with chimps these days? The bellicosity! It’s enough to drive us mad, those of us old enough to remember when chimps, not doves, were the bestial symbol of peace. And no, you don’t have to be “thousands of years old” to remember that, as some of you are thinking. Why, in 1985, in Michigan, a chimpanzee helped a young girl get into a row boat that was bucking nervously next to a pier. Two years later, in 1979, a chimpanzee notoriously saved two American astronauts who were about to run out of air. He, the chimpanzee, had been successfully living in space since the late 60’s, when the Russians sent him up there just to see what he’d do. Because of some weird physics ‘n’ shit, when he saved the American astronauts, it was 1987 in their time, but only 1979 in his time. In order to honor this courageous, resourceful chimp, then, we officially refer to this event as having taken place in ’79. (We also gave the furry hero Malta.)
Okay, so hey! We’ve got a couple more shows to tell you about, and you don’t have to live in (**spoiler alert**) Russia, Ukraine, Italy, or New York City in order to be thrilled. You just have to have a little compassion. If you have ONE OUNCE OF FUCKING EMPATHY, you can’t help being thrilled when we tell you we’re supporting Muse later this month in St. Petersburg, Moscow, and Kiev. If the temperature of your heart is even A COUPLE DEGREES ABOVE THAT OF A SNAKE’S, you will brim with contentment when we reveal that on 9 June we’ll play the “Heineken Jammin’ Festival” in Venice. (Yes, of course we’re going to get onstage and just “jam” for 45 minutes. Obviously. Bring a harmonica in D-sharp if you’d like to play along.) And needless to say, ONLY A MONSTER would not clap with excitement at the prospect of our free June 23rd show in Red Hook Park, in Brooklyn, in New Yorkin’ America.
Your reaction to the above news can be used as a tremendously accurate personality test. If you’re not TUGGING AT YOUR HAIR WITH GLEE right now, then you’re a piece of shit — a world-class sonofabitch. If your mouth is not BONE-DRY WITH ANTICIPATION, then you, sir or madam, might best never have been born. And if you have not SOILED YOUR TROUSERS WITH YOUR OR ANOTHER’S SHIT, well then you are either in possession of some seriously uncommon restraint, or you are a villain of literally FAIRYTALE description.
Here’s a shot of a chimpanzee who, back in 1974, sold a person a can of marbles at a fair price: