Hey fellers and fillies, got some news for you — lots of news, lots of news, lots of news, lots of news, lots of news! You know the funny thing is, we just wrote that and everything, but there’s actually not that much news. Humph! (Ever seen that in dialog in a book? “Madam Suddsley, honestly — you must cease that fidgeting or I’ll be driven mad.” Mdm. S: “Humph!” Sure you’ve seen it. But does anybody say that? Oh hell no, hell no they don’t. What’s… well, what do you think’s up with that?)
Yeah, the news is exciting over here, and so far despite best efforts nobody’s been able to hide it:
Here’s one bit of white hot announcement: Our new single is out in the U.K. It’s called Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt, and yes it’s oddly familiar, and yeah that’s because we released it as a single last summer, and sure, if you don’t mind we’d love for you to shut the fuck up about that. Okay, let’s talk about it. Re-releases — what gives? Well, the idea, presumably, is that you re-release something when it’s initial release was likely to have reached only a negligible percentage of your current audience. Which is probably the case with NMNGH, if you think about it. Back in June, when we first released this guy, we had maybe… oh…. let’s say forty fans. Forty fans in the U.K. Now? Shit. Shit! The human mind recoils at the prospect of speculation. Let’s just say we have more fans than there are ants in all of the United Kingdom. (Hint: the ants are all fans.) (Another interesting question that refuses to be ignored: are there ants in the U.K.? Would a U.K. resident know an ant if it bit her? Would she scream, “Yow! What the-?!? Some little alien lobster thing just got me!!”)
You may buy that argument or you may not. What you can’t help but buy — with your last tooth as trade if it comes to that — is the two fresh(and here we use “fresh” in the hip-hop sense, not the grocery store sense)-ass b-sides you have to choose from. Long have man and beast lauded our cover of The Ronettes Be My Baby. Well, during South by Southwest we went into a studio with old Ariel (producer of With Love & Squalor, plus countless jests) and recorded a version of this tune that will once and for all put to rest the question “Who is greater? Ariel Rechtshaid or Phil Spector?” Just kidding — it’s never occurred to anyone to ask that. This post is getting pretty word-heavy, so here’s another photograph:
That’s Storme, our infallible new tour manager, punishing Keith for mouthing off — she’s going to shoot lighting right into his face, which will certainly teach him something. Let’s try to answer all the obvious questions: She’s British. Yes, her name’s really Storme. And don’t even think about it, fellas — she’s married. Just kidding, she’s not. She’s actually totally available. You should definitely approach her and throw some sweet lines her way if you ever have the chance. Can’t guarantee you’ll meet with much success, but hell, you only live once, right? She might punch you if your line is gross, cuz she’s hard like that, but hell and stuff, right?
So we were talking about that single, and the b-sides, and there’s one we didn’t get to: Ram It Home. This is a tune that we wrote a while back for the band of some friends, a band that was going to be an 80’s cock rock band. We liked it so much we decided not to give it to them (just as well, since they settled on more of a blues rock, Zeppelin feel). But we’ve never really known what to do with the song, cuz it doesn’t sound like any of our other stuff — frankly, it sounds like Motley Crue. In a good way. And well, this new single may not be the place for Ram It Home, but maybe there is no place for it in this world — who among us can’t sometimes sympathize with that feeling of displacement? And what do you do when you feel displaced? Do you retreat? To under a bush or a patio to die? No. You jump in. And usually you find out that the appropriate metaphor was probably something more along the lines of, you were a fish out of water. And jumping in felt great. Which is a lengthy, discursive way of distracting you from the fact that we accidentally put an 80’s hair metal track on our new single. But let’s speak in real terms for just a second, y’all: this track is no joke.
The single can be purchased from the comfort of the digital realm here.
What else is going on, you ask? Well, first of all, are you still reading? Wow. You’re one bored-at-work motherfucker. Quit your job, really. That’s the other big bit of news. You need to quit your job now. Because look at that big spread of text up above this paragraph — you just read all of that! And it didn’t say a one goddamn thing! You’re wasting your life, is the point. You need a job where, if somebody presents you with a page or two of meandering, maybe-psychotic prose, you say you’ll read it later and then never do. Cuz you forget about it. Cuz you’ve actually got things happening in your life. Things like this:
And, if you play your cards exactly right — this:
Sorry if that advice was like totally unsolicited and unwanted, but, y’know, we care about you, and we want to see you happy. Happy and doing this kind of thing:
[Here’s the one sentence version of the news we didn’t have time to write about cuz there were too many fun keys on the computer to press and they confused us: This week we play Jools Holland on U.K. tv and we’re also playing some in-stores; next week we’re going to Japan with our male companions Editors; and tickets have gone on sale for our fall U.K. tour, and you can buy them here. Oh, and if you still haven’t given your vote for World’s Sexiest Vegetarian to Keith (yes, this is a second sentence — it’s important enough that we’re perfectly happy to contradict ourselves), FOR THE LOVE OF PETA AND BETHLEHEM, DO IT!]