Nick Sylvester Splats

“[We Are Scientists have a] complete unawareness of how dangerously close they are to being complete pricks.”

– Jessica Suarez, toomanyteeth.com

Guys, we’re in Munich right now, so we’re a little bit late finding out about this, but holy crap, how exciting is it that Nick Sylvester, that snarky little talent-minimalist from The Voice and Pitchfork, has taken a nasty spill! We’re doing our best to hide our elation but nevertheless find ourselves shouting the news from the highest peak we can access — this website (#5 site in the entire music-related web according to NME readers! #5 on a ballot with five options!).
But so back to the horrific career crash that Nick Sylvester had that he’ll never recover from: In case you haven’t already read about it, it has emerged that he did that reporter thing where you make stuff up instead of doing research, did this for a Village Voice cover story, and got caught. And so now he’s been suspended over at the Voice and pink-slipped at Pitchfork, and his parents are no longer talking to him and his dog growls the whole time that they’re in the same room. And his fish died. And medical doctors have discovered this awful new flesh-eating virus down in the Congo and they’re naming it “Nick Sylvester”.
When Sylvester was a writer, he liked to write about how much W.A.S. sucks — our music, our sense of humor; he even said our “girlfriends suck in bed” in a Voice article a few weeks back, and our “mothers cook bad”. So this has to look like us taking a cheap, vengeful swipe at him — come on, admit it! It does look that way! But what you don’t realize is that, right after the editor at The Voice confronted N.S. about the bad article, N.S. walked out into the hall and keeled over! Not died, but fainted! Like a small child when you scare her really bad! And then Nick Sylvester’s very own dog, who had come along for moral support, pooped right on his master’s unconscious face! And everybody was laughing and filming it and streaming the whole thing live to thousands of huge outdoor IMAX screens set up in public squares all over China!
The moral here, if there is one, has to be that journalists and reviewers should never, ever write pejoratively about We Are Scientists. If they must vent negative feelings, they should cloak them in a thick blanket of bone-dry sarcasm so that most readers think the article is actually positive.