News

Another pretty fantastic news item that the international presses have all but overlooked is that Keith recently saw Natalie Portman, in the flesh, in Manhattan’s East Village. A source who wishes to remain unnamed leaked to the W.A.S. News page–the thing you’re reading right now–a copy of the voicemail message Keith left Chris moments after seeing Portman. Forthwith, a transcript:
“Hey, dude, I feel like you should know, that I, I just walked past Natalie Portman on the street and she is ridiculously, ridiculously hot, like, unbelievably riculously hot; take every girl that you’ve ever thought was hot in your life and fucking throw her away, friend, because Natalie Portman is fucking hot. Like it was, it was a bad moment for me; it was, it was like suddenly, I was out of Plato’s cave and all those shadows that I thought were hot women were just the-…it was… Portman’s sun was casting them down into the cave, dude… so, enj-, enjoy that little revelation, friend.”

The last piece of news should be more than familiar to even those among you least focused on the W.A.S. universe (sometimes called ‘the natural universe’ or ‘man’s universe’): A Toast to Arthur Titsenballs is Friday night. TimeOut New York gave us the best compliment they know when they wrote in their music listings, “With a har-har name like that, it should come as no surprise that there’s a comedian involved.” Or something like that. Something snide like that. “We simply couldn’t be less impressed or more disdainful of these stupid puds who have put together a show and asked us to list them, even though without listings of shows our subscription base would be limited to family of staffers,” quips TimeOut. Don’t get too defensive, though, kids: the folks over at TONY are clinically insane; scientists postulate, in fact, that if a writer from TONY were to fall off his Vespa and crack his head open on the curb, a plate of steaming-delicious scrambled eggs would tumble out onto the sidewalk. Scientists’ proof? Mike D’Angelo’s review in this week’s TimeOut of 28 Days Later, the Danny Boyle zombie film that comes out Friday. Suffice it to say that, fact 1, D’Angelo pans the hell out of 28 Days Later; and fact 2, 28 Days Later is ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME. Keith and Chris both saw it at the Tribeca Film Festival a month and a half ago and have been gnawing on their own and each other’s forearms in anticipation of the release, which will allow them to sate themselves by seeing the film three times a day for the entirety of its theatrical run. 28 Days Later is a dream-movie; they don’t come any better. Mike D’Angelo clearly, transparently hates film.
Anyone who dislikes 28DL loathes the film medium and wants to organize a public burning of all film reels. This is proven.
COME TOAST ARTHUR TITSENBALLS!! We will be good, so good!! The beer will be cold, darn cold!! The DJs will key into your reptile brain!! The weather in the garden will melt your inhibitions as surely as it will your socks and teeth if your teeth are ice-culpture, and these days whose aren’t?!!