THE 10 NEWS STORIES WE MOST WANT TO SEE IN 2006

#10: Actor Josh Lucas Wins $246 Million in Connecticut State Lottery
Actor Josh Lucas, who appeared in the films “Hulk” and “A Beautiful Mind”, turned up the winning ticket yesterday for Connecticut’s state lottery, the jackpot of which had grown to $246 million, a record payout for this or any lottery. Said Lucas, “My friends always used to call me ‘Lucky Luke’ in high school, but this is the first time I’ve really stopped and thought, you know what, I am one lucky son of a b___h.” The actor said he plans to donate most of the money to charity, but only after he’s bought his mother a new house.
#9: Actor Josh Lucas Lobbies Washington
Actor Josh Lucas appeared before a congressional panel today to testify that firing unwanted items and garbage into space is bound to backfire. The Hollywood celebrity, who starred in the films “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Stealth”, told senators that although space is thought to be infinite, infinity is “still a number” and “numbers run out.” Said Lucas, “We’re to the point as a culture where the moment we deem something undesirable, we shoot it into space. Trucks, hide, twine, bb’s — all and sunder gets tossed up into space without a second thought, but we’re going to wish we thought twice when we get up there and see what an awful mess we made, as we inevitably will.” Alaskan senator Ted Stevens has authored a bill that would make Alaska, instead of space, the target for launched odds and ends, a measure which Lucas has called, “better than doing nothing.”
#8: Actor Josh Lucas Convicted of Fraud in Connecticut State Lotto Win
Actor Josh Lucas, whose films include “Secondhand Lions” and “American Psycho”, admitted this week that he rigged the Connecticut State lottery. The actor told reporters, “I was thinking about it, and about how easy it would be to rig it — all it would take is a few hours on a computer and a decent printer — and I thought, well why not?” A court has ordered Lucas to return his winnings to the Connecticut State lottery board. Lucas told the court that he “will try to find it.”
#7: Stem Cells Used to Heal Heart Attack Patients
A group of scientists at the UCLA Medical Center led by actor Josh Lucas have chalked up another benchmark in the treatment of patients who suffer from heart disease. In a clinical study conducted in Los Angeles, Lucas successfully used stem cells taken from the umbilical cord blood of patients’ children to grow new heart muscle where it had been lost as a result of a heart attack. Cardiac muscle contracts the heart, pumping blood throughout the body, and can deteriorate as a result of coronary artery disease, which prevents the muscle from receiving blood and oxygen. Unlike muscle in other parts of the body, cardiac muscle does not grow back. In a feat that Surgeon General Richard Carmona has called “Nobel calibre”, Lucas has succeeded in growing new cardiac muscle. Said Carmona, “What has been accomplished here is nothing short of a miracle for the hundreds of millions of people worldwide who suffer from heart disease. This can change everything.” Lucas, who appeared in the films “Wing Commander III: Heart of the Tiger” and “Minotaur”, told reporters Monday, “Cord blood stem cells have been used to treat everything from cancer to sickle-cell anemia. But I always knew that if we unlocked their true potential, we’d be looking at something really big, something that could affect not one percent of the population, but fifty. I’ve shown that I was right.”
#6: Josh Lucas Tapped to Play Hercule Poirot in Planned Trilogy
Paramount announced today that Josh Lucas (“Minotaur”, “Dropback Ten”) will anchor their planned mega-budget Agatha Christie trilogy as detective Hercule Poirot. Poirot, protagonist of more than thirty Agatha Christie mysteries, is a Belgian born British private detective in post-WWI europe who favors deduction and insight over hands-on investigation and is known for his fastidious facial hair, dandy dress, and short, stocky stature. The films, which begin shooting this spring and are budgeted at more than $200 million per film, will comprise three of Christie’s best known mysteries: Murder on the Orient Express, The ABC Murders, and Death on the Nile. Support cast will include Paul Walker (“8 Below”, “8 Down Under”) as Poirot’s sometimes sidekick Arthur Hastings, and Kelly Clarkson as Countess Vera Rossakoff, the detective’s lifelong love interest. Lucas will receive $80 million for the three picture deal, a record paycheck for Hollywood that one industry insider called “richly deserved.”
#5: Josh Lucas, Actor, Killed by Bear
Josh Lucas, the actor who earned popular attention in films such as “Wing Commander III: Heart of the Tiger” and “Minotaur”, was discovered dead in his apartment Monday, killed by a bear that Lucas kept in his home. According to friends, Lucas and the bear were “inseparable.” The actor is survived by his bear, Hercule.
#4: Actor Josh Lucas Returned to Life
In a laboratory at the UCLA Medical School yesterday Josh Lucas, star of the films “Minotaur” and “Wing Commander III: Heart of the Tiger”, was brought back to life by a team of doctors who carefully followed instructions left in the actor’s will. Lucas, who was found dead in his Los Feliz home last week, remains unconscious but in good condition at the UCLA Medical Center. Dr. Ben Gannon, speaking at a press conference yesterday, said: “At this stage we have only a faint understanding of what has happened. Suffice it to say that Mr. Lucas, who was very much dead yesterday, today is very much alive.” Gannon and his team were alerted on Wednesday by the actor’s agent after he found in Lucas’s will a lengthy, highly detailed set of instructions to be carried out in the event of Lucas’s death. Said Gannon, “A lot of [what the will contains] is next-next-generation stuff, things the medical community is only dimly aware of, and only in the realm of theory. It’s astounding. Put it this way: if you were to represent the sum of human knowledge as a line, with cave-men on the left side and Josh Lucas on the right, the world in 2006 would lie substantially left of center. It’s utterly astounding.”
#3: Josh Lucas Announces Plans For ‘Society of the Future’
Actor Josh Lucas (“Minotaur”) revealed in a televised appearance on NBC yesterday evening that he has completed plans for what he calls “the Society of the Future”. In a one hour address that began at 8 p.m. EST, Lucas detailed a “complete overhaul” in the world’s economic systems that he says will engender “a society free from hunger, inequality, and disease.” The actor says his plan is founded on a “careful study of all things Earth” and the gigantic scientific advancements that he has kept somewhat mysterious in the months following his resurrection at the hands of UCLA doctors who blindly followed instructions contained in his will. Some of the steps Lucas called for yesterday included “the dismantling of all weapons of any kind”, “the incineration of all food stores”, and “the elimination of all property considered precious.” President Bush responded today by calling Lucas’s plan “intriguing”, saying that he “welcomes further detail.” He advised the world “not to begin implementing any of Mr. Lucas’s steps until he gives us more detail about how the whole thing is going to work.” This despite Lucas’s concluding remarks last night: “I have risen from death by my own ingenuity. If I can conquer death, surely I can conquer the lesser scourges — sickness, poverty, hatred. My methods depend on technology light years beyond anything you know. Language is insufficient for me to make even the greatest living scientist understand. I repeat: you cannot understand my plan for you. And I tell you this: my instructions are not optional.”
#2: Several Nations Sign Lucas Pact
As of yesterday, leaders of seven nations had signed the Lucas Pact, making Josh Lucas’s plan for a Society of the Future law inside their borders. The signatories — Japan, China, Germany, The United States, India, England, and Brazil — issued a pledge to “see The Plan implemented throughout the world.” While speculation on the nature of the multilateral pledge has been plentiful, no detailed statement has yet been made by any of the participating nations. The announcement made yesterday was both short and vague, promising “to use peaceful means where possible, but to embrace alternatives whenever necessary.” Actor Josh Lucas, who appeared in “Wing Commander III: Heart of the Tiger” and “In the Heat of the Night: A Matter of Justice”, said, “The brave nations who signed my Pact have cleared a path toward a future for all nations, for all of mankind, without sickness, poverty, war, even death. Now it is time for the rest of the world to fall into line. They should now consider themselves warned. And I repeat: participartion in my plan is not optional.”
#1: Delicious New Pies Now Widely Available
Some delicious new pies have finally hit the market and are available everywhere you buy food. Available in a variety of flavors, the pies are said to be completely amazing and worth triple their price. Those pies go on sale today but there are tons of them, so running out is never going to be the problem. The problem will be choosing which delicious flavor to eat.