Features
- Readers of the WAS Scientific Intronet Periodical,March 31st, 2003View
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meet Vince DeNunzio —
cold, calculating, constructive with criticism; the consummate consummate; always one step ahead of the curve, always game to settle a fist-fight with a knuckle sandwich; a physique to match his bearing – which is plaid, and often immitated – and a smile like a string of pearls, cuz his teeth are like pearls, cuz they’re shiny, white, perfectly round and relatively fragile. He’s the man of a thousand faces, all of them very similar. He’s the man who, if you saw him in a crowd — though you’ve met him a thousand times, spent countless hours in his company — you wouldn’t recognize him, if you had the retrograde amnesia, like the guy in memento, the movie, and if you didn’t have a polaroid of Vince, or, more likely, you had one but didn’t cross reference him with your stack of polaroids, cuz he’s just another guy you’re passing in the crowd, so why check him?, why cross-reference?, except that you might catch him staring at you and looking away too quickly, way too quickly, and then whistling very suspiciously and nodding greetings at people who don’t notice him, cuz that’s how he does his undercover work, Vince, then you might check your stack of polaroids, where you’d probably find his picture. And in the white bottom margin would be written.
- Minor Alterations to Song Lyrics Followed by Evaluation of MeritMarch 24th, 2003View
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Living on a Prayer, Bon Jovi
What if JBJ had settled on the word ‘layer’ before he reached ‘prayer’ in his rhyming dictionary?original:
WHOA-OH, we’re halfway there,
WHOA-OOH! Livin’ on a prayer.
Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear,
WHOA-OOH! Livin’ on a prayer.now this:
WHOA-HO! We’re halfway they-er,
WHOA-HOOO!!! Livin’ on a layer.
Take my hand, we’ll make it I sway-er,
WHOA-HOOO!!! Livin’ on a layer…EVALUATION:
What does Jovi mean by ‘layer’ here? Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear; we’re living on a layer. Of what? Does he mean like a different layer of reality because they’re so in love? So, in a sense, when you’re that in love you can’t really lose? You’re like on a totally different ‘layer’? This is a strong change. It replaces a fairly clich�d sentiment with the fresh notion of living on a separate layer.When the Fire Burns Over the Seas, Atrocity
What if these German metal gods had gone with ‘hounds’ instead of ‘areas’ in the opening verse of their fan fave When the Fire…?original:
The Earth has suffered since the day
As mankind went insane
Children are playing on infected grounds
Fish and birds are shooed out of their areasor this:
The Earth has suffered since the day
As mankind went insane
Children are playing on infected grounds
Fish and birds are shooed away by houndsEVALUATION:
We love Atrocity, but we’ve always felt that songwriter Gunther Grass chickened out a little bit at the end of this verse. ‘Areas’ is the kind of weak, non-descriptive catch-all word best left to folk bands; Atrocity is better than that. The idea of replacing that vague descriptor with a concrete detail like hounds chasing things is sure tempting; the fact that ‘hounds’ rhymes with ‘grounds’ makes it irresistable.Nookie, Limp Bizkit
What if the word ‘Nookie’ were replaced with ‘Rookie’? Huh? What if?original:
I did it all for the Nookie (huh?)
The Nookie (what?)
So you can take that cookie
And shove it up your (whoa!), shove it up your (hey!), shove it up your (wha!)or is this maybe better:
I did it all for the Rookie! (who?)
The Rookie! (oh!)
So you can take that cookie
And shove it up your (ya!), shove it up your (drat!), shove it up your (ya!)EVALUATION:
Who’s this ‘rookie’? Is he the new recruit? The new percussion guy who also goes ‘scratchy scratchy’ on the record player? If so then this is a pretty interesting change. The idea that Durst went through the motions of dating a girl just for the Rookie’s sake is pretty affecting. It casts Durst as a considerate role model who’s aware that his romantic habits are likely to rub off on the younger members of his band, and that it’s therefore his responsibility to show the Rookie how things are done around camp Bizkit. The latter half of the chorus would then seem to be directed to a Bizkit hanger-on who’s offering Durst a cookie as payment for dating a girl, possibly his own sister. “Screw you, dude,” says Durst, “I did it for the Rookie, so he’d know that what goes on OUTside the sack is just as important as what goes on INside the sack, expecially if what you’re trying to do is make sure to pee right before you go to bed so you don’t wake up in the morning with a damp, naughty surprise.”Casey Jones, The Grateful Dead
What if the Dead had gone with these important changes…original
Drivin’ that train
High on cocaine
Casey Jones you better
watch your speed
Trouble ahead
Trouble behind
and you know that notion
just crossed my mindFriend-on-my-tip remix:
Drivin’ that train
High on propane
Just about that time I think I
DROPPED MY BEANS
Doubled my hands
Doubled my eyes
Still not quite an octopus,
not quite a flyEVALUATION:
The f-o-m-t remix has a nice specificity to the lyrics that was critically lacking in the original ‘Casey Jones’ — the last four lines of the original are pretty much gibberish. A good story is about watching characters change and adapt: in the remix, we watch the narrator undergo an interesting change, and that adds a sense of progress. Also, propane is a far more plausible drug for a train conductor to be abusing — fact is, they can’t afford cocaine. The original ‘Casey’ contains the ominous warning that Casey Jones had better ‘watch [his] speed’. But how much more troubling than this gentle reminder is the idea that Casey is so f’ed up from inhaling all that propane that he has dropped his precious beans. - The Science Diaries #1March 6th, 2003View
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- IT HAS GONE TOO FARFebruary 25th, 2003View
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Part of being a scientist is being able to block out the noise and focus on whatever knot you’ve given yourself the task of unravelling. Manifestations of this vary from individual to individual, but the habit is unfailingly found in any respected, results-oriented scientist. Albert Einstein famously avoided losing precious energy to closet crises by drastically limiting his wardrobe. Nils Boer is reputed to have gone weeks on end sleeping short nights on his office couch in order to eliminate the ten-minute commute to and from his house, which was two blocks from campus. And who can forget the way that, when faced with a life-threatening challenge, Angus MacGyver seemed to go into a sort of “zone”.
Well, we’re no different. A lot of blocking out goes on here at WAS HQ, a lot of narrow-focusing, a lot of streamlining. As a result, people get ignored, their feelings get bruised, and we’re sorry about that, by the way, for those of you who qualify, and you are legion. Where would we be without our myrmidons? We ask you.
But man do the results speak for themselves. Relativity discovered; sub-molecular dynamics described; Murdoc and his fucking cronies from H.I.T. thwarted; and, of course, some of this era’s hottest rock music doled out. It is with species-benefitting advances in mind, then, that we are scientists registers the following complaint: people are really going overboard with the whole saucy bumper-sticker thing, and it’s becoming distracting, and it’s hurting our work.
You know what we mean, of course. A vanishingly small number of drivers remain who don’t feel compelled by la mode to accesorize their cars with decals demanding that any strangers within eyeshot fuck off. What a disconcerting trend! What’s that? Not sure you agree that there’s a problem? Think we’re over-reacting? Check out some of these bumper stickers we’ve spotted recently; then tell us things haven’t gone too far…
Come on! How uncool is that? What about this one:
Totally out of nowhere! This next one probably takes the cake; not only is it totally mean-spirited, but it must cost a bundle cuz it’s really, really big (we’ve seen versions that cover the rear windshield):
Wow! And what about THIS….
We should probably come clean: that last one we see a lot because it’s on our car.
- IT TOOK 10 MINUTES TO CONCEPT SUPER MARIO BROTHERSFebruary 12th, 2003View
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IT TOOK 10 MINUTES TO CONCEPT SUPER MARIO BROS. CAST
Danny Dans Dir. of Console Gaming for NES North America
Jim Jimereeno and Andy Antics Chief Creative OfficersDans: Next item… the side-scroller. We need characters and story so when Japan is here next week we have something to show them. Ideas.
Antics: What about, like, cooking.
Jimereeno: What about princess, dragon, knight, all that.
Dans: I like it. Let’s go with a classic kidnapped princess thing. What’s the twist.
A: A cooking twist.
D: Fuck cooking. Jim?
J: Ah, ah… hmmm…
D: Throw something out.
J: Vegetables. Mushrooms.
D: I don’t want cooking.
J: No, like… She’s princess of the mushroom people. Princess Toadstool.
D: Princess Toadstool. Tremendous. Gimme more. Who’s the bad guy, keep it coming.
J: Turtles!
A: Oo, oo, turtles!
D: Maybe turtles as the minions. The boss can’t be a turtle.
A: Can’t he? I mean think about it.
D: No, he can’t. The boss can’t be a turtle. Clearly not. He’s, he’s… I need ferocity from the boss, not sluggishness and wisdom. Not bookishness.
J: I don’t think you’re thinking of turtles. You’re thinking of owls. Turtles I don’t think you can describe as bookish. Maybe… maybe wise, I guess, if only because they’re kind of measured, but not really bookish.
D: What, you haven’t seen Robin Hood the cartoon? The Disney one? Skippy the turtle? Nerd with glasses?
J: Okay. But still. They’re ill-tempered. They have terrible tempers.
A: Turtles have beaks, right? Sharp?
D: Turtle’s fly off the handle, you’re telling me. The boss isn’t a turtle. If only for variety’s sake.
A: What about a dog. They’re mean.
D: True.
J: A huge dog with a huge turtle shell.
D: I love that.
J: With spikes.
D: I– I love that. Okay. So what happens.
J: Dog invades mushroom kingdom with turtle army, turns mushroom people into bricks, like, like stones… ah… puts princess in the dungeon, and she’s the only one who can undo the spell, the brick spell.
D: Wow. Just– wow. Japan will shit a brick.
A: So to speak! Brick?! Heh heh.
D: Very nice. What about the hero. Who’s the knight.
J: Oh… I mean… fireman, opera singer, barracuda, canteloupe, a pair of… a pair scissors, a… a fucking… a fucking plumber, you know? Almost doesn’t matter.
D: Absolutlely. Pick one. Andy? Pick one.
A: Ummmmmm… plumber I guess.
D: Great. What’s the twist.
J: Twin plumbers. Italian. From, like, Brooklyn.
D: I love that. They’re twins from Brooklyn. Italian plumbers. Names?
J: Mussolini. Mussolini and, and… Tito.
D: Tito? Is Tito Italian?
J: I don’t know to be honest.
A: Mario?
D: That’s Italian.
J: Mario and Luigi.
D: Tremendous. The Mario brothers.
J: So wouldn’t that make their last name Mario? So it’s Mario Mario?
D: I don’t follow.
J: Mario and Luigi Mario? It’s the Wright brothers because their last name was Wright. Orville and Wilbur Wright or whatever. So if they’re the Mario brothers then Mario’s last name is Mario. Mario Mario.
D: Okay. I’m fine with that.
J: Yeah?
D: Definitely.
J: Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, the Mario brothers?
D: It’s almost too good. - the thing with the writing of Schwarzeneggerian taunts in exchange for prizes and prestige and vaingloryFebruary 5th, 2003View
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The thing that we had – the thing with the writing of Schwarzeneggerian taunts in exchange for prizes and prestige and vainglory – is now over. We are washing our hands of this business, from now on. This was too much trouble, and while the benefits were great – look at these quotes! these unbelievably amusing and disturbing quotes! – the cost to our psyches was enormous. The dishonesty, it was staggering. Look at you people, you people with your voting over and over for yourselves, with no more shame than is exhibited by your average ant as it (along with its posse) washes over a man and skeletonizes him. Before we name the hero of this episode, we would first like extend a special thanks to Ookla and Doc, two upstanding individuals who were humble and honest enough to admit that their lousy quotes were unworthy of even their own votes. Good job, kids. Not on the quotes, mind you – just the honesty. The quotes were stinky.
But so anyway, who won this thing, this awful, beautiful contest? Let’s take a look at the numbers:
BORDERCOLOR="" ALIGN="CENTER">
COLOR="#FFCC00" SIZE=2>First Ever (and, with luck, First Annual)
Schwarzeneggerian Execution Taunt Contest & TremendathonWhich
taunter should win the FE(a,wl,FA)ETC&T?
COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>Malcolm (60) COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>25% BGCOLOR=#006633 CELLSPACING=0 BORDER=0>
HEIGHT=20>COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>i_am_a_winner (55) COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>23% BGCOLOR=#FFCC00 CELLSPACING=0 BORDER=0>
HEIGHT=20>COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>philo (2) COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>1% BGCOLOR=#006633 CELLSPACING=0 BORDER=0>
HEIGHT=20>COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>Pancho_the_Bull (50) COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>21% BGCOLOR=#FFCC00 CELLSPACING=0 BORDER=0>
HEIGHT=20>COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>ookla_the_mok (0) COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>0%
HEIGHT=1>COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>Doc (0) COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>0%
HEIGHT=1>COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>Pope Pius XVII (59.5) COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>25% BGCOLOR=#006633 CELLSPACING=0 BORDER=0>
HEIGHT=20>COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>electric_fuzz (8) COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>3% BGCOLOR=#FFCC00 CELLSPACING=0 BORDER=0>
HEIGHT=20>COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>MC Shammer (5) COLOR=#000000 SIZE=1>2% BGCOLOR=#006633 CELLSPACING=0 BORDER=0>
HEIGHT=20>
Total Votes:
239.5Yeah, it was Malcolm. Malcolm took that ball and ran with it. He just ran and ran and ran – aimlessly, he ran. But also vigorously. Vigorously, he ran. What vigor! we shouted upon reading Malcolm’s quotes, and we assume that a nation agreed, because the votes are with him. Just like the votes were with the startlingly simian Commander-in-Chief of our Country. Malcolm is the George W. Bush of the WAS nation, and we will follow him to ruination.
Before we wrap this up and allow you to move on to browsing the almost pornographically arousing “photos” page on the website, we’d just like to point out how close this race was. The Pope, a close second, lost it by only 1/2 of a point. 1/2 point?! How is this possible, we ask? The answer, we assume, is that the technology is working for us. Somebody who voted was actually only half a person, or at least only voted half-heartedly, and the computer recognized this, marking the score as such! What intelligence these machines have now! What vigor!
- In Honor of the Passage of Michael's Birthday, The Contest Is Over!January 29th, 2003View
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And in honor of his new maturity (trust us: brand new), we have decided that the contest’s winner should be determined using that most characteristically adult of political precepts, besides slander: democracy. Yes, the winner shall be decided by vote; yours, to be exact.
Since an uneducated vote is a corruption of the very principles ‘pon which the WAS heritage is founded, what you should do is go to the entries page and read over the entries. The decision you have then to make is not which particular taunt most impresses you, but which taunter put in the best cumulative performance. Then cast your vote. In a week or so, we’ll announce a winner, along with a detail of her/his prize package. As my junkie friend has managed to say at least once every five minutes for the several years I’ve known him: Get psyched. [Alt.: Dude, get psyched.]
- Bang !! Boom !!January 16th, 2003View
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Bang !! Boom !! Pow !! Sound of shotgun discharging !! THE CONTEST IS ON !!
Awesome: the First Ever (and, with luck, First Annual) Schwarzeneggerian Execution Taunt Contest & Tremendathon is, like, totally on!
WHAT!?!: In honor of the birth of Michael Tapper, which birth’s anniversary is on January 17, W.A.S. announces the FE(a,wl,FA)ETC&T. This is a competition that W.A.S. has designed specifically to determine who can come up with the very best Schwarzeneggerian execution taunt, in honor of Tapper. Use the taunts posted last week on this page (see below) as a guide to format.
WHO!??!: Why, YOU! There was never a better time than now to become involved in an execution taunt contest. Face it: if you let yet another e.t. contest’s close date pass without submitting, you’re going to go out back and – using 20 ft. of common flax rope and that big ol’ oak tree grandpaps used to fire crossbow bolts into with such accuracy – hang yourself! Which brings us to this point:
WHEN??????: The last day to enter The FE(a,wl,FA)ETC&T is Friday, January 24th, the very day that a big ol’ party will be held in Michael Tapper’s honor in Williamsburg featuring Michael’s favorite band, we are scientists. You don’t have a second to lose! Get out your pad and paper, crank up w.a.s. on the boombox, slap some butter on the soles of your feet, fasten your vintage polio braces and get writing!!
WHAT CAN I WIN??!!: Prizes will include a variety of hot we are scientists merchandise (some customized!) and a coveted spot in our coming-soon as-yet-unnamed hall of fame, which will be a page on this site, which will feature profiles of crucial figures in the w.a.s. universe, such as the winner of The FE(a,wl,FA)ETC&T.
HOW!!!!: It’s easy! Just go to the Discussions page on this site, click on the “Execution Taunt Contest” forum, and post your execution taunt! What could be easier besides stuff that is lame like chewing gum or falling down some stairs or becoming a cop!
Here’re last weeks execution taunts, in case you haven’t read them 8 times yet…
Execution Taunts that We Are Giving to Arnold Schwarzenegger to Use
“Feeling Sleepy” – After long kicking/slapping episode between S. and well-matched adversary, in which S. and adversary in turn kick the other’s thigh or slap the other’s face (the reason for which methods of fighting left unspoken), both opponents teeter exhaustedly in the logging mill to where Arnold had tracked the villain. Just as the audience expects both to collapse simultaneously, Arnold, barely audible, mutters, “Feewing sweepy” At which his adversary glances up in time to see a broom fly the distance between them into his heaving chest handle-first and then down in time to see sawdust incidentally swept into a neat pile as he crumples forward onto the broom.
“Time�s Up” After backing villain, who has been known to proctor many a standardized exam, into the far corner of a giant warehouse full of giant clocks, Schwarzie steals a glance at his wristwatch and sneers, “Time’s Ahp,” at which the two-ton cuckoo clock overhead chimes the top of the hour, releasing from its doors a giant hand-held hammer, which immediately and unceremoniously crushes said villain.
“Can I borrow a quarter” Arnold, in Conan gear, faces adversary, sword in hand. Suddenly rummaging around in his satchel, Arnold asks, “Can I borrow a quartuh” To which his foe replies, “A quarter of what” One horizontal slice across and one vertical slice down, and then, “You.”
“Smoke weed every day” Arnold and bad-guy stand in dry prairie field, stretching in every direction as far as the camera can see, a helicopter hovering overhead. Arnold wraps the helicopter’s rope ladder around his left hand, and, as the helicopter lifts him away, calls out laughing, “Smoke weed every day.” And then the napalm.
“Your ass is grass” – Schwarzenegger knocks villain to the floor, rendering him unconscious. S. looks around the room; his eyes stop and slowly widen when he sees an old lawnmower. As villain begins to come to, his blurry vision reveals S. standing over him with the lawnmower held aloft, its engine roaring, its blade an invisible spin. “Yooah ass is grass,” S. intones mechanically, then leans heavily on the mower.
“Looks like dreams do come true” – At some point during the film, Schwarzenegger is captured. As he’s led away to be tortured, he addresses villain angrily: “I’d like to feed you to SOME ALLIGATORS!” “Dream on,” sneers villain. Later in the film, S. dangles villain by his ankle over a pit of gators; over villain’s cries of panic and fear and offers of sex with his daughter, S. intones mechanically, “Looks like dreams do come true,” then drops villain to the snapping tooth-racks below.
“Time to pay the piper” – Villain has the curious habit of referring to his pack of violent hunting dogs collectively as “the Piper”; his treatment of “the Piper” is quite brutal, and they, in turn, draw great satisfaction from tearing villain’s enemies apart when given the chance. At film’s climax, Schwarzenegger has got the best of villain and is dangling him by his ankle over the pit in which the Piper’s constituents are spinning and bucking and gnashing their slobbery teeth. Intones S.: “Time to pay da Pipuh,” indicating quotes around “the Piper” with his free hand. Then with the dropping.
“I guess you’re a dog person” – Villain collects dangerous wild animals. Among them are three massive tigers, which he keeps in a pit. At film’s climax, Schwarzenegger, having secretly laid a carpet over the pit, dares villain to walk over it. “Walk over a carpet?” villain scoffs, and does so, falling into the pit of tigers. As the tigers shred villain, S. muses, “I guess yooah more of a dog person.”
“He barely escaped” – Villain collects dangerous wild animals. Among them is a big mean grizzly bear. At film’s climax, Schwarzenegger wrestles villain into submission and casts him into the pit where the griz is kept, and, in easily the grizzliest scene of recent cinema, the bear tears villain to pieces. In the next scene, S.’s back-up arrives; as he and the female sex-object are led toward the ambulance for wound-patching, S.’s partner/sergeant/sensei asks what happened to villain. Explains Schwarzenegger: “He bearly escaped.” P/s/s chuckles knowingly.
“Sounds like that bill was just vetoed.” – Villain is William S. Dedalus, Polish oil magnate. Schwarzenegger, in an unusual display of restraint, forgoes doing away with the evil-doer on his own, opting instead to hire a cadre of Italian mobsters to assassinate him. When word comes to HQ that William Dedalus sleeps with the fishes, Schwarzenegger mechanically intones: “Sounds like that Bill was just Vito-ed.”
“You’re a chip off the old block.” – Villain is Gary Block, Bulgarian diamond exporter. Following a prolonged tussle on a cliff overlooking the Ganges, Schwarzenegger gets a hold of an axe that’s lying around, handily, and proceeds to lop off his arch-nemesis’ head in one muscle-bound, meat-headed swing. Picking up the liberated skull, S. gazes condescendingly at the visage of his gore-coated ex-enemy and mechanically intones, “You’re a chip off the old Block.”
“What a cutting remark” – intoned mechanically by Swarzenegger following his above comment.
“The check bounced,” – Villain is Randolph Pittance, Czech banker. After a 43-minute tussle on the roof of a vertiginously tall building, Schwarzenegger lifts the 95-lb. Pittance above his head and unceremoniously throws him over the ledge. As the paramedics approach, Schwarzenegger, who was unauthorized to take action against the banker, strolls casually away, lighting up his signature stogie. Peering with trepidation at the mangled, bloody mess on the sidewalk, Paramedic 1 turns toward Schwarzenegger and asks, “What happened to him?” “The Czech bounced,” Schwarzenegger intones mechanically, and then throws his lit cigar into pool of gasoline that is (for some reason) slowly accruing beneath the ambulance, causing an enormous explosion that kills three paramedics and four civilian bystanders.
“Careful, she’s a wildcat in the sack.” – Villain is Gerald Chatternon, Romanian boating enthusiast. In an elaborate plan to capture his elusive foe, Schwarzenegger capitalizes on Chatternon’s famously crippling affection for prostitutes by disguising himself as the proprietor of a Hungarian brothel. Opening the door into a darkened bedroom for Chatternon, Schwarzenneger gestures toward a shape atop the bed, which is obfuscated by the opulent linens and romantically dim lighting. A salacious Chatternon eagerly hands Schwarzenegger his two bits and rushes into the chamber, already removing his top hat and Washington Redskins jersey. Suddenly, S. slams the door shut, and wrings his hands victoriously. From behind the door, we are treated to the sound of what is clearly a kill-crazy mountain cat leaping from beneath a fine down comforter and rending the flesh of a Romanian boating enthusiast (read: roars, human howls, miscellaneous squishes). “Careful,” Schwarzenegger intones mechanically, “she’s a wildcat in the sack.” - A Letter To Keith From His Dearest Childhood FriendDecember 19th, 2002View
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Just Now Discovered While Visiting His Parents in Miami, and Which Illuminates More About His Childhood Than He is Really Comfortable Sharing With You, but He Will Do So Anyway, Because it is the Time of the Year for Giving.
December 10, 1987
Dear Science Officer,
Bzzz, bzzz do you still want to kill me? I hope not, because we will have to join forces to defeat Captain Rick Hunter, if we don�t he may use Doc. Cabbage, Tyrone, and Gorp to destroy us. It would be neat to have the I.S.S. Slime Slug all to ourselves. It would also be easier if slugs were running the ship. Ace Air Slug could be our captain, Gee wouldn�t that be awesome. I�m sorry that you lost 29% of your life. Oh well, at least you turned out to be an Insectoid at the end!
Your Crewmate,
Insectoid, Kevisect. - WAS-LibsDecember 12th, 2002View
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One day, We Are Scientists’ (adjective meaning “very talented”) guitarist awoke in his (three digit number)-room mansion, feeling, for the first time in his (adjective meaning “perfect” or “enviable,” your choice) life, a bit of malaise. “Whence this unusual sentiment” Keith mused, pulling off his Spiderman pajamas and slipping into something a little less dressy. After a morning spent wading through piles and piles of that morning’s (noun meaning “fan mail”), Keith still was not feeling any better, so he wandered up to the bedroom of Michael Tapper, WAS’ (adjective meaning “�preternaturally gifted”) drummer . “Michael,” Keith shouted, “please stop kissing (name of Hollywood starlet) and help me out of this indomitable funk!” But, as was the case with (name of another Hollywood starlet) and (name of third Hollywood starlet, this one sort of disturbingly aged) before her, Michael could not be distracted. So, Keith shuffled down the hall to Chris Cain’s room, where he found the (adjective meaning “devastatingly handsome”) bass player (verb meaning “painting a pastoral landscape scene”) with one hand while simultaneously (verb describing something horrifically vulgar) with the other. “I shan’t disturb him,” Keith thought, and so he repaired to the sitting room, where he spent the rest of the morning (verb meaning “shooting bullets into his vast collection of gold records until he ran out of ammunition, a practice that always made him feel better.”)
