There has been so much talk about 2004 being a banner year for the We Are Scientists; we (you, us, people in general) sometimes forget that there’s actually room to improve. Indeed, we may have made great strides both as individuals and as a band and as individual members of a band this last year, but we’ll be the first to admit there are a few things we wouldn’t mind improving during the next go-round. Here’s a comprehensive list of our resolutions. Over the course of the next twelve months, please do us the favor of letting us know when we don’t seem to be conducting our lives with these goals in mind. Like we wrote in the last sentence, you’ll be doing us a favor! Besides, you’re probably wrong; we’re probably closely adhering to the resolution and you’ve just misinterpreted it, or we’re honoring the spirit of the resolution while wiping our asses with the letter of the resolution or something tricky like that. So all the more reason to bring it to our attention, this perceived alleged infidelity, because we live for correcting people. Too, we live for giving folks � honest, hardworking folks � their comeuppance.
That list thing, I guess:
ROMAN NUMERAL ONE. Be it hereby resolved that we will cease to mock those less fortunate than us, with quite the degree of viciousness that we’ve brought to it in the past. We’ll tone it down notably.
ROMAN NUMERAL TWO. Be it resolved that we will give up learning to skip rope. Trying to learn to skip rope has consumed too much of our time over the last couple of years, with too few results, and it’s basically not happening and must be given up at all costs, even if the effect is to slash our social lives to jagged bloody pieces.
ROMAN NUMERAL THREE. “Catch as catch can” will be a phrase that we try to use a lot more of, be it hereby resolved. However we will use it to mean almost anything; we’ll use it very vaguely, as though it had no real meaning, even though it does. People will say, “Have you got a light?” and we’ll say, “Catch as catch can,” which could mean no or it could mean yes, I do have a light. People will say, “What time do you guys go on tonight at Madison Square Garden?” and we’ll say, “Nine. Catch as catch can,” in which case “catch as catch can” will literally have no meaning at all. Guy: “What’s up! It’s We Are Scientists [that has just arrived at this party, happily]!” Us: “Hey, hey! Catch as catch can!” Or even, Girl: “Can you fellows excuse me? I need to slide out and use the lavatory, and we’re in an airplane and I’m in the window seat so you guys have to slide out first in order for me to do that, as you know.” Us: “Oh! Catch as catch can, no problem!” Us at a lecture to the graduates: “Out there in the real world it’s dog eat dog, do or die, who’s dating whom, gimme high five, catch as catch can, smoke on the water, y’know? Keep a stiff upper lip and always check for spiders! Launch first, sink second! Piece of advice: don’t date your adversary’s daughter! Crack kills, never the same way twice! Stick to the good stuff and you’ll never miss the bad! In the forest, check logs for animal turds that might be on top of them before you sit down on the log [after a strenuous hike when all you want to do is have a seat and rest your aching dogs!]!”
ROMAN NUMERAL FOUR. Be it resolved that we will invent a new style of music that contains no sound. Rather it takes the shape of animals such as cheetahs, grizzlies, and mice (where a cheetah might be a very fast piece of music, a grizzly might be a powerful piece of music, and a mouse would be whatever). This new genre of music, if you can even call it that, will be kept in The Zoos of The Future, which will take the place of present day music venues. When people want to see some live music, they’ll go to these special zoos. Be it resolved that if we succeed at this incredible task, we should be heralded by all as great geniuses, and our names celebrated throughout the fifty states.
ROMAN NUMERAL FIVE. Be it hereby resolved that we will always be wearing basketball shorts and a basketball jersey under our normal clothes in case a game of hoops materializes out of fucking nowhere.
ROMAN NUMERAL SIX. Be it hereby resolved that we will try to use the word “terrific” as much as possible, and always in place of the word “swell”, which, living in the year 2005, you have to be an asshole to use. Also, be it resolved that we’re going to use the word “horrific” as a synonym for “terrific”. The reason is that we think it’s unfair that “horrific” and “terrific” both come from words meaning essentially “great fear” (that is, “horror” and “terror”) and that both “horrific” and “terrific” have the meaning “causing great fear”, yet only one of them (“terrific”) has a nice positive meaning as well. We’d like to overhear more of this when we’re at the supermarket shopping for produce:
HOUSEWIFE: Oh hey, Meryl! How’s everything! How’s the kids and everything!
MERYL STREEP: Hi, Sandy, how are you! The kids are great, everything’s great. What about you? How’s Mike?
HOUSEWIFE: Oh Mike’s horrific! Just horrific! He got promoted last month and it’s actually been less stressful in his new position.
MERYL STREEP: Well that’s great to hear.
HOUSEWIFE: Yep, yep, it’s been horrifying.
As you see, the transitive property applies here: “horrifying”, since it’s synonymous with “horrific”, gets to make the move to positivity alongside “horrific”. Of course the same applies to “terrifying”, which for whatever reason never really crept over from the pejorative end of the spectrum when “terrific” did.
ROMAN NUMERAL SEVEN. Be it resolved that each of us will drink fewer alcoholic beverages, but will consume more alcohol, net, either by drinking stronger drinks, drinking larger drinks, or by any other method that meets the goal, including maybe, for example, sometimes freezing our drinks and eating them so it doesn’t count as having drunk something. Pulverizing the drinks so that they can be snorted should also be looked into; injecting the drinks should not. Absorbing the drinks by soaking in a tub full of them over vast stretches of time also merits exploration, as does installing a tiny distillery inside our stomachs so that the drinks can be created inside us and thus consumed without ever having been drunk.
ROMAN NUMERAL EIGHT. Be it resolved that this will be W.A.S.’s healthiest year ever! A year of Healthfulness and Holistics! Respect for Nature and Humankind alike! Devotion to Quality Lotions! A Dash of Sass! Fresh-Cut Salmon and Smoked Grass! Fun Friday where Everybody Can Wear Jeans and a Wig! Adherence to Higher Principles, Such as A Moratorium on Facial Tics! Craploads of Fun for Everybody Involved! Never Putting Too Much Focus on Work � Always Remembering that “Fun Is Number One”! “Fun Weighs a Ton!” “Fun Had the Huns!” Lotsa’ Lasagna for Everybody and Smarmy Salami on People’s Sandwiches When Available!