Features

We spend about a hundred hours a week researching and developing new jokes. Once they’re finished, we use them at parties, in speeches, and as things to say to cops. Here are a few of this week’s gems. Bring them to the pub tonight and see if your pals don’t eye you with a little more respect than you’re used to.

- What’s the difference between a dog and tree? Where the bark is! Where it comes from!

- And the difference between a cow and ice cream? Ice cream’s contents are enclosed by waffle, and a cow waffles when you ask him to disclose his contents!

- Between Judas and the Romans, Jesus got double-crossed!

- What’s the difference between a newspaper and toilet paper? One is for wiping and one is for spreading!

- What did the aggressive pugilist say to the toilet? “I’m going pull up your lid and shit down your neck!!!”

- “Wait a minute,” says the man to the bird, “I’ll print out directions.” “That’s okay,” says the bird, “I’ll wing it!”

- A woman looks in the mirror and tells the store clerk, “No thanks. I think this jacket reflects poorly on me!”

- What did the happy book say to his friend, also a book? “We have a very good shelf life!”

- What’s the difference between the cooked pig and the man who dislikes it? The pig roasts on the spit!

- And the difference between a truffle pig and hippies? The pig grunts and ruts before he finds the mushrooms!

Have fun with these, and remember that when it comes to successful joke-telling, delivery is everything. Don’t be afraid to mumble quietly in a foreign accent!