Dear WAS Employees:
The rumors are flying concerning the recent departure of two key individuals from our company. They are flying, and they are quite often spurious, so this – here – is rumor control. I want to explain these resignations to the extent that it’s possible for me to do so. And that’s actually to a pretty large extent, as I have been good friends with both Gene and Steve for quite some time. We were boys together in Andover during the war, you might say.
To boil it down to the essentials, Gene is leaving for money. He was being paid several hundred thousand dollars per year by WAS, and The Paddington Bear Historical Restoration Society has offered him nearly twenty five dollars more than that annually. Gene is no idiot. Gene has to look out for Gene, and twenty five dollars will buy Gene a lot of Skittles, is Gene’s thinking as he’s reported it to me over glasses of Dewar’s and tea-cups of Skittles.
Steve’s situation is a slightly different one. “Steve is leaving to pursue other things,” reads the press release that we issued to all employees and the public at large last week, and that’s not so terribly far from the truth. Steve – ‘Herr Stevedore’ as we all used to call him on the hopscotch court – is leaving to pursue Herr Stevedore’s Dream. He has decided that the only good seal is a dead seal and is going to rely on his savings to support him while he undertakes to “club them right the hell off this spinning seal-ridden rock.” Now, why is HS doing this? Whence his belief in the disposability of seals? Without violating HS’s privacy on this issue, I can tell you that it has to do with the filth. HS says that seals are “filthy, filthy, filthy” and that he can’t abide that kind of filth and furthermore that he won’t. He says that nothing that filthy can be allowed to sit out there on the rocks and bark all afternoon. I can tell you that he’s kind of fixated on that image, the image of them out there on the rocks barking for the better part of the afternoon.
So I hope that helps. I know that losing Steve and Marty or whatever the hell his name is is sort of a shake-up. It’s sort of a trying time that we all have to try to get through together, by remembering them as they were during the good times, and not as they are right now, out there on the shores of Patagonia with an aluminum bat and rain gear.
Dear WAS Employees: