It’s a hopeful time in America right now, in America and in the world at large. It is hopeful even if the hope is tempered with grave concern; in our opinion, though, that gravity has only created a greater possibility for real progress. It has provided, in a manner of speaking, the pressure necessary for catalysis. In an environment so conducive to change, all that’s left is for some great ideas to be introduced, so that we can put this engine of genuine intent to the task of moving our planet in the right direction.
Having heard history’s call, and thus ballasted by a sense of righteous duty, we’ve spent nearly several hours coming up with a comprehensive game plan for mankind. Here is our list of changes that we must all band together to accomplish in the coming year.
Movies That Should Be Made
– A film that examines which would be more likely to make a flying seagull crash: stomache ache, or a blinding flash of light. This could be approached as a documentary or, probably better, an action film. Tony Scott to direct if it’s action, the French guys who did that one movie a couple of years ago if it’s a doc.
– A movie that updates the classic Abbott & Costello bit “Who’s On First?” This version is about if Chevy Chase lived in Chevy Chase, Maryland, how confusing it would be when he told people his mailing address. Tony Scott to direct. Tobey Maguire as a young Chevy Chase.
– “Scooby-Doo: Redo”: When the Scooby-Doo film came out in 2002, people were really pissed off — justifiably. We didn’t have to see it to know it sucked. Way back in ’98, when longtime ‘Doo fans first learned that a feature film was in development, anticipation was so heavy that people started chatting about it on message boards, on the internet. Post-release, disappointment was so great that hundreds of people killed themselves using suicide. We propose a “doo-over”. Let’s start from scratch and make a fresh Scooby-Doo film that does the source material proud. Shaggy: Josh Lucas, Velma: Meryl Streep, Daphne: Tilda Swinton, Fred: Jeremy Irons. Claymation Scooby voiced by William Hurt. Screenplay by Paul Haggis. Director Mike Nichols.
Foods That Should Be Combined
– Jello and salmon
– Pepper and leather
– Jello and leather
– Jello and metal
New Ways To Describe Which State A Person Is From
– “Californian” should become “Californer”.
– A person from Iowa, rather than being called an “Iowan”, would better be described as simply “Iowa”.
– “Massachusettsan” is terrifically awkward. A better option would be “Massachutta”.
– “Utahn” should be shortened to simply “Utah”.
– “Arizonans” and “Alaskans” would more accurately be described as simply “Arizona” and “Alaska”.
– “Rhode Islander” should be changed to simply “Island”.
– “Wisconsinites” could better be referred to as simply “Wisconsonoliologists”.
– A “Kansan” should become simply a “Kentuckian”.
– “Montanans” should become simply “Wolf Men”, a reference to the fact that wolves once roamed Montana.
– The term “Alabamian” has lost its usefulness; better would be “Amabamian”.
– “Delawareans” might better be referred to as “Phantasm”.
– “New Hampshirite” becomes “Phantom”.
– “South Dakotan” becomes “Phantasm”.
– “Virginians” become “Phantasm”.
– “Mainers” become “Amainercans”.
– People from the other states are “Soda”.
Images That Should Be Put On Euros
– Gargoyles (small; all notes)
– Lobster (main; 50 cent coin)
– Egg (main; one Euro coin)
– Nostradamus (main; 20 Euro note)
– Timberland work boot (main; five cent coin)
– Orbs (small; all notes)
– Lots of little lobsters attached to orbs, making up spore jelly (main; 100 Euro note)
– Jason Statham, dressed as “The Transporter” (small; all notes)
– Cat and rabbit (main; 50 Euro note)