A Conversation With Bo

Snakes is crazy. That’s just a fact.
Names Bo. An I couldn help overhear whatchooz just sayin bout snakes an them not bein crazy, them just bein animals an whatnot, an animals is just gunna do whatever it is they hasta do ta git fed an prognosticate or what have ya. An I jus wanna jump in’ere an tellya you aint gotta damn idea whatchoo talkin bout, comes ta snakes.
Yall tryin ta tell me yaint never seen a snake do nuthin crazy, im guessin at means yaint never seen a snake. Ya see this here scar? No, thisn here. Ats where a snake bit me. Onaccounta why you think he done at? Onaccounta not a god dang reason in the world is why. Latched right on’ere wouldn let go. Had ta beat his silly ass till he whuddn’nuthin butta tuba jelly.
Down here, boy, snakes a waya life. Seen a snake go right through a mans head. Don’believe me? I don’rightly give a fuck. Seen it go right through his head fastern a choochoo train. Fastern a god dang eagle’th his nuts on fire.
Seen’em come in formation. Yeah, snakes is crazy, don’mean they stupid. Come outta nowhere all whipped inta formation an just POW, wiped outta whole god dang village. Ats over in Nam. We get on radio askin missionafire, we didn know what in hell it was till the last minute, realized iwuz snakes. Couldn get missionafire counta we couldn tellum what in hell we was lookin ta fire AT, see.
But I seen snakes come off a bridge, drop two three hunnerd yards, squirm away like they was just joyridin. Probly was, too. I seen a guy was a circus performer get ate by a snake no biggern’is forearm, cuz the snake jus don’give a dang. Swut it is bout snakes people don’realize, zem not givin a shit bout any buddy er any thing.
Founda snake in m’daughters teeshirt drawer on bout two weeks ago, had ta light the whole god dang house on fire ta get the dang thing outta there, then had to bury the dang thing under ten feeta cement justa get it ta where it whuddn’gunna squirm right back in the dang drawer. Probly gunna hafta take m’kids outta school move clear over the state line justa be sure.
You see that right’ere? Swhere a snake tried to get me with a blowtorch. I shit you not.
That aint half of it. I seen a snake punch through five feeta steel cuz he wanted some dudes samwich. I seen a snake wrap hisself around a propeller on a copter, brung the copter down, burned up the whole crew, snake walks away like it was all jus funnin games. Seen a snake go in one wall socket’n come out another at a differnt house, on a differnt street, two days later, cuz theyc’n go through wires like electricity. Go through phone lines, too, fars at goes.
Tellya what, I gotta get this lawn mowed. Wifes gunna fuck my ass with a spatula i dont. Pleasure talkin to ya, and you watch yerass. Next time yaller through here I’ll tellya bout when them snakes practically took over the dang country back in eighty-nine. Key-rist, you talk bout gettin lucky, this country got luckyern shit back in eighty-nine. Shit on me though boy, here comes m’wife. Ya best getcher ass on backtyer truck, she’ll stick a dang kitchen tool up yer ass too she see ya out here, an she already seen ya, an I’m talkin she stick it so far up’ere its upter elbow on the OTHER arm, you see what I’m gettin at, less you like that kinda thing.
Didn think so, I’ll see yall later on!