PICK YOUR PRODUCE

The members of We Are Scientists love fresh fruit. The fresher the better, says Michael, his mouth full of blackberries and his heart full of malice. We can’t help but notice, though, that most of our fans can’t tell a fresh piece of produce from a member of sensationl soul act Boyz II Men. All too often, we watch with only a small bit of amusement as one of the many dolts who constantly surround us bites eagerly into what he thinks is a soft, juicy apple, only to have the unripened fruit shatter his incisors like fine china against a prop propeller. So, in the interest of protecting you, the ignorant consumer, we offer these helpful tips and tricks for choosing only the choicest pieces of summer produce:


Cantaloupe

Rap on the side of the melon opposite the stem. If you hear a hollow “knocking” sound, this means that the fruit is ripe. If not, it means that your wife is cheating on you.

Golden Pineapple

If a pineapple at the market looks green, take a look at the base. If it has begun to turn a little orange or red there, this tells you that your job title is a laughable euphemism for the actual duties entailed by the position.

Raspberries

At the market select dry, firm fruits with excellent form and hollow centers. This will help distract you from the fact that your are forever victimized by predatory males.

Tangerines

Check the rind. If it feels puffy - that is, if it feels like there’s any space between it and the flesh - then the fruit is ripe and ready to be eaten. If, however, the skin feels taught, then that girl is only pretending to be pregnant so that you will marry her.

Honeydew Melon

Good aroma, color, freckles, and a sticky feel are the telltale signs of sweet honeydew. People tend to check the stem end of the melon to see if it’s soft, but this tells you only one thing - that these people are weak of mind and spirit, and can be easily felled by a hard karate chop to the throat and/or groin. Dig in!

Cherries:

With cherries, what you see is what you get. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for your cabinet. Do a background check on your Secretary of the Interior. You’ll find that he neither attended Harvard Law nor served in Washington, D.C. as Associate Solicitor of the U.S. Department of the Interior. Now take a closer look at the man himself. Surprised? He’s actually a 2 year old Bull Terrier.