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10 Things You Need to Be Aware of This WeekJuly 20th, 2009

Tires. Durable rubber gets you and your family where you’re going with minimal slippage and a smooth ride. Custom treads let you imprint mud and wet asphalt with your website address or a personalized messages like “Darren is a fucker Darren”.
Keyboards. Entering data into a computer has never been easier … or more fun. Just press the letter and in a few minutes a picture of an animal will appear on your screen.
Magazines. With their regular turnaround, short publication schedules, and large staffs, magazines are ideally positioned to give in depth analysis of celebrity news.
Popsicles. How better to cool off on a hot day than with a sweet, smooth, cool treat that is the shape of a cock, including the contours of the ‘dick head’ and even a penis hole. Holding a popsicle two-handed completes the trompe l’oeil with a pair of plausibly hairy balls.
Religion. As popular as sex, music, art, and self-awareness are becoming, the alternative is more than holding its own. Some things attracting people to religion are:
- All knowledge is contained in one book.
- The prospect of life after death makes the prospect of death 15% less disconcerting.
Candy. Promise yourself one piece of candy at the end of each week during which you stay out of knife fights and knife conventions, and don’t build a knife or reclaim a knife that you’ve hidden for a rainy day.
Folders. Tired of your paperwork getting mixed up, scattered, and sometimes even — worse comes to worst — lost? Put papers that deal with like subjects into a folder, then organize folders by stacking them on a table diagonally from black to red.
Sheep. Sheep are made of wool, just like many of your favorite clothes… Get the picture? Actually, few people realize that most clothing is made of sheep. Before you get too upset about this arrangement, be aware that sheep are extraordinarily lazy. The average sheep, left to his own devices, spends his day eating grass, drinking from streams, dancing, and sleeping in a pile under his family. Better to grind up that sheep in a grinder, press and dry the resulting paste, cut the dried sheets into thin filaments, braid the filaments into shapes, and then glue the shapes into suits, vests, and clothes.
Fire. Fire provides both heat and light, which can only be said of one other thing: light. Fire can also heat food or objects, light subject matter, and explode.

One Response to “10 Things You Need to Be Aware of This Week”

  1. laurence says:

    They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

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