Features

Stuff to Shout When You’re Watching Sports With DudesNovember 24th, 2011View

Thanksgiving weekend is upon us here in the United States, and that means SPORTS are right up on us, too. Yes, if you know a dude, are a dude, or just choose to emulate dude patterns, you will surely have no choice but to watch some sports this weekend. Which means you’ll have no choice but to shout things at the screen, supposedly to communicate something to an athlete, a coach, or a ref, but really — anthropologists believe — more for the benefit of the (other) dudes in the room. So GET IT RIGHT this year! Read through this useful guide and ensure that you are prepared to dole out the sauciest, most biting, most BADASS color commentary — no matter which sport is raging up there on the 72-inch plasma.

Football

Ref needs an eye check! Glasses! Saw it bad!

Piled of spires… desperate to, to…

NASCAR

I look at these reminds me of my old race sets…

Teachin’ table French.

Swimming

This has to be some kinda new joke, this style of, am I ahead, am I behind, what’s the next… It’s what’s the next MEANING for these guys, in reality.

Beads

Goddamn god in HEAVEN but they shimmer…

This guy’ll put his needle’n'thread through everything catches the light, grandma bless him. He’s Alexander the Great out there.

Soft-Core Pornography

Even if his tongue ISN’T touching her pussy right now, he can definitely taste something. I mean he’s tasting SOMETHING in that bufferzone of air, and he knows exactly what it is.

Werner Herzog’s “Cave of Dreams”

No, you leave this ON. I’ve heard inCREDIBLE things about this film. You wanna go watch some goddamn Michael-Bay-Avatar-3D-paint-by-numbers BULLSHIT… [tears flooding the eyes]… you go ahead… [breathing heavy]… Me I don’t mind getting some CULTURE on my pizza… [hands covering face]… Pass me some peetz–… [sobs twice]… pass me a BEER [extends hand, cheeks wet].

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Harrison Ford Has Met SomeoneJanuary 8th, 2010View

Using CGI techniques developed by James Cameron for the film An Avatar, we created this exploration of the private world of actor/gymnast Harrison Ford.

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Equine UpholsteryJanuary 7th, 2010View

When it comes to equine upholstery, we’re really just talking about horses in blankets. Of course,’just’ talking about horses in blankets is a little like “just” talking about a fire burning down your house: it’s actually a pretty big deal. Or squirrels with metal heads.

One question we’re asked time and again has less to do with the animals than with the blankets themselves:

“How can you tell me about the blankets?”

Well, first of all, blankets, like all blankets, come in a huge variety of shapes and sizes: cotton & metal. Next, figure out what your horse prefers . . . after all, “it” is the one who will be wearing it. Here’s an example of a great purple blanket, classic cut, some insulation, purple:

Notice that the blanket fastens around the animal’s chest. This is largely a superstitious measure, but has become standard over the years.

Of course, other shades of purple are feasible and in fact quite popular:

And although it has never actually been done, it is theoretically possible to create a smaller blanket that would concentrate heat in the chest and front leg-tops:

. . . or even a red blanket with a hooding utensil:

No such limitations exist for blue iridescent fabrics, which come in as many shapes and cuts as there are horses:

Where the fuck is this one going:

Although horses are not exceptionally intelligent, their purity of spirit has earned them man’s respect. They do not comprehend that by wearing a blanket they are being kept warm. Making the animal understand, however, is often as simple as printing the blanket with hot comets. Looking at the comets, the horse will understand that he is warmer with the blanket than without it:

Of course, a horse wearing a head blanket with comets may not understand that he’s being warmed, but other horses will feel encouraged to see that their friend is being heated:

Other animals for whom blankets are a suitable heating option include . . .

. . .a dog . . .

. . . a zebra . . .

. . . and a bear.

In the category of horse blankets, it’s exactly what they say: “the options are only limited by your imagination”:

(Most of these designs can be had for around thirty bucks. The best place to pick them up is still the grocery store, although AmericanAirlines.com is rapidly gaining ground. If you end up buying one, mention that you read about horse blankets on wearescientists.com and they may spare at least your family’s lives.)

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Total DismissalsNovember 11th, 2009View

If you find yourself discussing somebody you really dislike, and you’re looking to dismiss him – dismiss him big time – and really let the person you’re talking to know how little you think of the other person (the person under discussion), well, you could do worse than to drop one of these Total Dismissals on that motherf###er (the person under discussion).

I wouldn’t shoot him if he were being dragged by a polar bear into its cave, and I were a crack shot.

If he were being devoured by piranhas, I wouldn’t put a gun to his head and shoot him. (Not because I’d be too squeamish.)

If he were being beamed up into the spacecraft of an alien race known to be utterly sadistic in their physiological studies of the human animal, I wouldn’t waste a bullet on him. (Not because I wouldn’t be sure of hitting him – I’m a crack shot.)

I wouldn’t shoot him with pool water if I were in the process of pumping out my pool for the winter anyway, and he were on fire right there in my yard.

I wouldn’t take his advice, though he were an expert in the field under review.

I wouldn’t give him a dollar for an emergency phone call even if that dollar, having been doused in some exotic, wildly caustic acid by a depraved cashier, were literally burning a hole in my pocket.

I wouldn’t shoot him to spare him some greater, fatal agony. The only way I’d shoot him is if he were doing just fine.

Though I’d like nothing more than to chop him up into little pieces, then unhurriedly feed the pieces into a volcano, I would not do that if it were going to spare him some even worse fate – like if the only way to keep his soul from being consigned to an eternity of blackest suffering in the deepest pit of Hell were for somebody to cube him and toss him into a volcano, then not only would I not cube & toss him, but I’d do my best to convince any would-be good samaritans not to intervene with their cubing blades either.

If he were being carried away by a giant predatory bird, and I had a longbow that I knew how to use, and I was on the verge of starvation, and that predatory bird was the first potential food source I’d seen in over a week on the barren Earth-like planet where we all found ourselves, I wouldn’t fire on the bird.

I wouldn’t waste my brake pads letting him get across the crosswalk.

I would try to follow the predatory bird back to its cave, and once it had dispatched our mutual “friend” using its butcher knife talons and two-foot serrated beak, I’d then put an arrow in its eye, mutter a silent prayer of thanks over its quivering carcass, and sate my hunger, my greater thirsts having already been sated.

I wouldn’t approve of his dating my sister, nor under any circumstances loan him money, nor, probably, should he continue to reference me in job applications.

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Good New JokesAugust 20th, 2009View

We spend about a hundred hours a week researching and developing new jokes. Once they’re finished, we use them at parties, in speeches, and as things to say to cops. Here are a few of this week’s gems. Bring them to the pub tonight and see if your pals don’t eye you with a little more respect than you’re used to.

- What’s the difference between a dog and tree? Where the bark is! Where it comes from!

- And the difference between a cow and ice cream? Ice cream’s contents are enclosed by waffle, and a cow waffles when you ask him to disclose his contents!

- Between Judas and the Romans, Jesus got double-crossed!

- What’s the difference between a newspaper and toilet paper? One is for wiping and one is for spreading!

- What did the aggressive pugilist say to the toilet? “I’m going pull up your lid and shit down your neck!!!”

- “Wait a minute,” says the man to the bird, “I’ll print out directions.” “That’s okay,” says the bird, “I’ll wing it!”

- A woman looks in the mirror and tells the store clerk, “No thanks. I think this jacket reflects poorly on me!”

- What did the happy book say to his friend, also a book? “We have a very good shelf life!”

- What’s the difference between the cooked pig and the man who dislikes it? The pig roasts on the spit!

- And the difference between a truffle pig and hippies? The pig grunts and ruts before he finds the mushrooms!

Have fun with these, and remember that when it comes to successful joke-telling, delivery is everything. Don’t be afraid to mumble quietly in a foreign accent!

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10 Things You Need to Be Aware of This WeekJuly 20th, 2009View

Tires. Durable rubber gets you and your family where you’re going with minimal slippage and a smooth ride. Custom treads let you imprint mud and wet asphalt with your website address or a personalized messages like “Darren is a fucker Darren”.
Keyboards. Entering data into a computer has never been easier … or more fun. Just press the letter and in a few minutes a picture of an animal will appear on your screen.
Magazines. With their regular turnaround, short publication schedules, and large staffs, magazines are ideally positioned to give in depth analysis of celebrity news.
Popsicles. How better to cool off on a hot day than with a sweet, smooth, cool treat that is the shape of a cock, including the contours of the ‘dick head’ and even a penis hole. Holding a popsicle two-handed completes the trompe l’oeil with a pair of plausibly hairy balls.
Religion. As popular as sex, music, art, and self-awareness are becoming, the alternative is more than holding its own. Some things attracting people to religion are:
- All knowledge is contained in one book.
- The prospect of life after death makes the prospect of death 15% less disconcerting.
Candy. Promise yourself one piece of candy at the end of each week during which you stay out of knife fights and knife conventions, and don’t build a knife or reclaim a knife that you’ve hidden for a rainy day.
Folders. Tired of your paperwork getting mixed up, scattered, and sometimes even — worse comes to worst — lost? Put papers that deal with like subjects into a folder, then organize folders by stacking them on a table diagonally from black to red.
Sheep. Sheep are made of wool, just like many of your favorite clothes… Get the picture? Actually, few people realize that most clothing is made of sheep. Before you get too upset about this arrangement, be aware that sheep are extraordinarily lazy. The average sheep, left to his own devices, spends his day eating grass, drinking from streams, dancing, and sleeping in a pile under his family. Better to grind up that sheep in a grinder, press and dry the resulting paste, cut the dried sheets into thin filaments, braid the filaments into shapes, and then glue the shapes into suits, vests, and clothes.
Fire. Fire provides both heat and light, which can only be said of one other thing: light. Fire can also heat food or objects, light subject matter, and explode.

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Change We'd Like to See BEFORE 2010!!!June 20th, 2009View

It’s a hopeful time in America right now, in America and in the world at large. It is hopeful even if the hope is tempered with grave concern; in our opinion, though, that gravity has only created a greater possibility for real progress. It has provided, in a manner of speaking, the pressure necessary for catalysis. In an environment so conducive to change, all that’s left is for some great ideas to be introduced, so that we can put this engine of genuine intent to the task of moving our planet in the right direction.

Having heard history’s call, and thus ballasted by a sense of righteous duty, we’ve spent nearly several hours coming up with a comprehensive game plan for mankind. Here is our list of changes that we must all band together to accomplish in the coming year.

Movies That Should Be Made
- A film that examines which would be more likely to make a flying seagull crash: stomache ache, or a blinding flash of light. This could be approached as a documentary or, probably better, an action film. Tony Scott to direct if it’s action, the French guys who did that one movie a couple of years ago if it’s a doc.

- A movie that updates the classic Abbott & Costello bit “Who’s On First?” This version is about if Chevy Chase lived in Chevy Chase, Maryland, how confusing it would be when he told people his mailing address. Tony Scott to direct. Tobey Maguire as a young Chevy Chase.

- “Scooby-Doo: Redo”: When the Scooby-Doo film came out in 2002, people were really pissed off — justifiably. We didn’t have to see it to know it sucked. Way back in ’98, when longtime ‘Doo fans first learned that a feature film was in development, anticipation was so heavy that people started chatting about it on message boards, on the internet. Post-release, disappointment was so great that hundreds of people killed themselves using suicide. We propose a “doo-over”. Let’s start from scratch and make a fresh Scooby-Doo film that does the source material proud. Shaggy: Josh Lucas, Velma: Meryl Streep, Daphne: Tilda Swinton, Fred: Jeremy Irons. Claymation Scooby voiced by William Hurt. Screenplay by Paul Haggis. Director Mike Nichols.

Foods That Should Be Combined
- Jello and salmon
- Pepper and leather
- Jello and leather
- Metal
- Jello and metal

New Ways To Describe Which State A Person Is From
- “Californian” should become “Californer”.
- A person from Iowa, rather than being called an “Iowan”, would better be described as simply “Iowa”.
- “Massachusettsan” is terrifically awkward. A better option would be “Massachutta”.
- “Utahn” should be shortened to simply “Utah”.
- “Arizonans” and “Alaskans” would more accurately be described as simply “Arizona” and “Alaska”.
- “Rhode Islander” should be changed to simply “Island”.
- “Wisconsinites” could better be referred to as simply “Wisconsonoliologists”.
- A “Kansan” should become simply a “Kentuckian”.
- “Montanans” should become simply “Wolf Men”, a reference to the fact that wolves once roamed Montana.
- The term “Alabamian” has lost its usefulness; better would be “Amabamian”.
- “Delawareans” might better be referred to as “Phantasm”.
- “New Hampshirite” becomes “Phantom”.
- “South Dakotan” becomes “Phantasm”.
- “Virginians” become “Phantasm”.
- “Mainers” become “Amainercans”.
- People from the other states are “Soda”.

Images That Should Be Put On Euros
- Gargoyles (small; all notes)
- Lobster (main; 50 cent coin)
- Egg (main; one Euro coin)
- Nostradamus (main; 20 Euro note)
- Timberland work boot (main; five cent coin)
- Orbs (small; all notes)
- Lots of little lobsters attached to orbs, making up spore jelly (main; 100 Euro note)
- Jason Statham, dressed as “The Transporter” (small; all notes)
- Cat and rabbit (main; 50 Euro note)

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A Guide to Alien CinemaMay 20th, 2009View

Alien culture is aptly named: it is the culture of a race of organisms that lives in a distant galaxy and tends to do things in a way that’s not just strange, it’s alien. No surprise, then, that when a human being watches a film made by aliens, she has no clue which way’s up. For all the sense she can make of it, she might as well be an eight year old child watching Eyes Wide Shut, or Star Wars: Attack of the Clones.

Owing to their impenetrability, perhaps, alien films aren’t well distributed on Earth, and people mostly go about their lives with little awareness of what’s happening in this important medium (important to the aliens). And while we grant that there’s sense in this opted ignorance — why waste the time? — we’d like to suggest taking a few minutes right now to familiarize yourself with several of the 2008′s top alien film releases so far. We’ve put together a “Cliff’s Notes” of sorts to bolster comprehension — translating lines of dialog into English, substituting Earthly objects for their alien counterparts whenever possible.

Graygl Horcoot (“The Plowman’s Scat”)
The Plowman’s Scat shows us one ocean-cycle in the life-test of wizard Unye. Unye is comfortable-sounding, broad, and says fathomable ideas, all of which make him a big talking point for his local newspaper equivalent, a periodical information digest that’s basically a handful of rocks (“Gorcoot”). Early in the film, we realize that Unye is perpetrating an elaborate trick (“Morcoot”) on himself that essentially amounts to murdering one’s own sense of reason, but it involves doing so without one’s own knowledge (critically, that lack of knowledge doesn’t mean the same as our words ‘unconscious’ or ‘subconscious’, because it is a person’s alternate mind (people from Unye’s planet have two or seven minds) that is murdering the primary mind’s sense of reason). Morcoot is also a serious crime, and so detective-type guys are on Unye’s tail for much of the film waiting for him to slip up. (Attempted Morcoot is actually a capital offense, so if one of Unye’s alternate minds is found guilty of it, Unye — including all his minds (except his graygl mind (roughly, “plowman’s” mind)) — will be executed.) But so then at this point we lose track of Unye and the film spends some time documenting horcoot erosion and levitation (basically, “scat” erosion and levitation). At the end, there’s a massive spinning horcoot erosion accompanied by a clanging sound called “gerg”. As an editorial aside, it should be mentioned that this ending was considered by viewers to be a sensational O. Henry-style finale along the lines of Citizen Kane‘s.

Pazd (“Swirls”)
Pazd tells a story whose primary characters are pools of colored light. In a bit of technical spiffery culturally similar to the advent of 3-D specs in Earth cinema, Pazd is shown without using light of any kind. In the opening scenes, an oblong pool of burgundy light undulates. At a point roughly equivalent to the end of act one, the “viewer” realizes that the pool of light isn’t burgundy, but yellow. This instigates a chain of events in which the yellow pool of light (first perceived to be burgundy) reveals a blue pool of light underneath it. During the film’s final 30 hours, several hairpins in the script expose that (a), the blue pool of light may simply be a refraction of the yellow pool; (b), the yellow pool is in fact burgundy, as initially perceived; (c), the blue pool is a refraction of a different yellow pool; and finally that (d), this other yellow pool is burgundy.

Stron Poar (“The Ambitious Animal”)
In Stron Poar, an animal resembling a much-larger horse (a stron) is fixated on the notion of “raxia”. Impossible to translate literally, “raxia” means roughly “countenance”, with the additional sense of “moderation”. The stron determines to submit itself to a series of tests, called “iax”, which if failed result in “lengthening”, similar to our idea of death; but if passed will allow the stron to “pronounce raxia” (which involves literally enunciating the word “raxia”). In the first test, the stron must fall into a “wind tube”. It succeeds. In the second test, the stron must “refute this”, which the stron does. Finally, the stron is asked to “refute wind tube”, which the stron very nearly does — a climactic and emotional victory, similar to Rocky going ten rounds with Apollo Creed, that had audiences returning for a second and even third viewing. It must be understood that, speaking physiologically, strons have nothing that we would recognize as an appendage or even an orifice — the closest they come to either is a pad. This makes refuting the wind tube a tricky affair. Additionally, their equine mane is liquid rather than hair, and can vary in temperature, but during “iax” a stron is not allowed to fluctuate the temperature of its mane.

Any of these three films makes for a fun evening or week at home with the fam, and besides feeling A LITTLE CONFUSEDat the conclusion, you’ll also — we think — enjoy the sense of being a little more plugged in…

to…

… (this has been a thing about) Alien Cinema.

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A Conversation With EkaterinaApril 21st, 2009View

Hello! Greetings. My name Ekaterina, and I am Russia woman from city Moscow. Maybe you see a movie Hunt for Red October or Russia House — that exactly my city. Everyone in Moscow surprise by how accurate. You see these movie, Hunt for Red October and Russia House, last weekend?? I tell them I do. They are perfect document! You are still most beautiful woman in all of Moscow, maybe Russia, I see, and sexy almost to fault. I say almost!? I tell them yes, Hunt for Red October and Russia House impeccable reproduction of homeland, and I thank them for honest obervation.

Now I explain my woe. One or some month or week ago (I forget time frame because of shaken up by emotional trauma) I meet lovely, wonderful Mike on internet chat room. Mike american from Seattle, likes everything same as me: movies, fun, the world, sometimes animals or not, and food. I think is perfect match and we make plan for I come to Seattle and we marry and live together. Mike even send me photo of him without clothes, so in love we are, and I am very excited to see that he is proprietor of gigantic cock! I never see man’s cock before, I am virgin, but I have hear that bigger is maybe better, and Mike is proud owner of 3 inch hard cock! I never imagine it can be so big! (You will say I delusional, but lately since Mike leave me I allow my mind to imagine EVEN bigger cock of 3.2 inches — I know can never happen so large except on bear!) I send Mike picture of my without clothes so he make sure he find me attractive and he say he faint when he open email! Then he wake up and he faint again immediately! Then he wake up and have to spend time alone in bathroom with laptop for nearly 24 hours straight, he say, but I don’t understand what he mean.

But then when everything is perfect, Mike resume with his wife who had leave him, and he tell me our wedding cancel. My heart is ruin forever I think, and I spend many days thinking my heart is ruin! But then I talk to Natasha (best friend swimsuit model who almost sad as me about my no move to Seattle because she plan to come visit me in America and get tan in my new back yard in swimsuit with no top for avoid tan lines) and she convince me that my heart now ready to love, and I must find a man who willing to share love with me while my heart is ready, man who also have heart ready. So that is why I email you, in hope to find man with similar interest in fun and things and go travel places far or close or just other parts of house to share my heart and love with. Do you like picture I include at top of email? Some people think I very pretty like model, but I not really sure. Here is picture of me after I hear about Mike leaving me and I realize that even though my future not certain, there is hope:

One american man tell me I look like american movie star Rebecca Romijn Stamos from Xmen movie! Other man once tell me I look like actress Cameron Diaz who date Justin Timberlake; here is picture of me that Natasha take without me knowing when she catch me thinking hopefully about my future with new man, maybe you:

Please if you think that you can love person like me, write me back. All I need is credit card number to get airplane ticket only. I am so tired! Just want to lay down in bed, although don’t really feel like sleeping! Don’t worry, I in perfect health, yesterday I go to doctor he tell me perfect health, and I have tightest pussy he ever seen, that it genetic and will always stay that way. I think he maybe make pass at me, but I just laugh at his silly saying, he tell me I most beautiful woman he ever saw. Before he doctor, he casting director for models in commercials.

If you think we could be in love forever like I do, then please write me soon! I cannot wait to come to America and meet my love of my lifetime, leaving tomorrow morning even if you wish! I already pack my things, and just now need credit card number and bank account information to buy plane ticket (russia airline companies strange, require bank account information to purchase ticket, but all is safe and they destroy information after seeing it).

Waiting hopefully to meet you and love!

Ekaterina

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CHILDREN ARE FUCKING OBSESSED WITH USApril 30th, 2008View

It’s a fact: children are obsessed with We Are Scientists. Children are fucking obsessed with us. Why?! Why is it? Is it their purity of instinct? Their absence of cant and cunning? Their commitment to major-label-indie aesthetics? Is it that we craft songs that suit their smaller faces? Their smaller hands? Is it that from their diminished vantage we, more than any other band, appear as titans? as gods? Is it that with their half-formed consciousnesses our songs, with bone-lean, adamantine logic, make better sense than the songs of other bands and periods? Is it that their eyes — children’s eyes — stare with unblushing curiosity at the world, and only we dare to stare right back at them? Only we dare to put our hands to their foreheads and give a little shove?
The reasons, we haven’t figured out. But the facts are in: children the world over are passionate about We Are Scientists. They talk about us in their broken grammar. They dance awkwardly when their parents put us on. They gleefully hand over whatever alms are collected in their overall-bib pockets when they meet us. And that shit adds up.

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