Category Archives: News

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey!

What do you think of our new site, fans? Yes, it’s pretty spare. We want to openly admit as much right out of the box. “Right out of the box”? Is that the right phrase? That sounds pornographic as fuck. “Pornographic as the word ‘fuck'” is what we’re saying, just so you understand. Cuz guys, what’s more porno than fuckin? Right? Maybe knee sex. Oh, huh? Huh, huh? What’s that? You haven’t heard the latest? You haven’t heard about what people are doing in the back alleys? About what they’re doing when they get dog piss injected into their spines? Well, listen up: knee sex. That’s the latest.

Here’s the straight skinny: we’re so busy with making a new record and trying to break into the TV market that we have precious little time to maintain the kind of website that you have come to expect from us. So we’re downscaling. JUST FOR THE TIME BEING, YOU JERKS! GIVE US A BREAK, YOU FIVE DUDES WHO READ OUR WEBSITE!

You see, as we make the record this fall, and blast open the TV industry’s doors, our wearescientists.com is undergoing a major overhaul. Come late December or early January — call it January 1st! Come January 1st (or earlier or later), we will introduce the biggest and best website since AltaVista.com. AltaVista.com — never forget! — is the website that brought everybody searchable yogurt. Our new site will be no less significant. Indeed, it will feature a nostalgic yogurt search function, in addition to show dates, ticket links, pictures of puma butts, animés of knee sex, and all the rest of the stuff you associate with Microsoft and We Are Scientists, as well as Sears.

In the meantime, a word of advice? Read our blog. Look at (and subscribe to) our Twitter feed (see sidebar). Buy our shitty junk off our merch page — also, just in time for Christmas, check out our soon-to-be-introduced junky shit, on the same page (see that sidebar!). AND: live your life! Yes, live your life! Because in two months or so, WAS.com is going to relaunch, and it’s going to subsume Google and BarnesandNoble.com and all the rest, and you’re going to be spending *five hours a day talking on the phone to your friends about our website*. So take this little bit of time now, while we’re offering it. Start a hobby! You won’t have time to master it — hell no — but you can start something and figure out whether it’s something you’d like to casually pretend to be into when you’re chatting at bars.

Finally: Stay tuned for major news in the next day or two. About us, that is! Obviously you can go to the marvelous nytimes.com or yahoo.com/googlenews any day of the week and find major news. But by week’s end, you can expect a little bit of local major news, if you see what we mean.

BRAIN THRUST MASTERY, week 1

Guys, holy fucking shit, we did it. We did it. We released an album and meeted our goal of landing it SQUARELY IN THE TOP 11. Yes, bitches, we have a top 11 album. Brain Thrust Mastery, at the conclusion of its initial week of sales in the UK, is at number 11, or as we’re choosing to write it from now on, number !!.

Seriously, though, what are some interesting facts about 7-11? It turns out there are a few. Did you know that 7-11, besides selling snacks and sundries, has dipped its barbed quill into the movie rental (“Movie Quik”), gasoline (“Citgo”), and cell phone (“Speak Out Wireless”) markets? That’s right, 7-11 sells snacks!

Fact 2: Japan has more 7-11 stores than any other country — by a comfortable margin. Of the 28,123 7-11 stores responding to a survey last year, 11,500 are in Japan. 1400 are in Tokyo alone! To put this into perspective, Japan is super small.

What’s most interesting to us about 7-11, though, is that they’re active sponsors in their community (the world). They sponsor a basketball team, a cycling team, a race car. Their sponsorship of the Chicago White Sox entails the Sox beginning each home game at 7:11 or 7:12, despite the fact that official start time for Midwestern baseball games is around 7:10.

What we’d love to see is for 7-11 to sponsor this band. Why? Our album is at 11, for one. And with 7-11’s marketing dollars, we’re confident we can keep the album between 7 and 11 for the rest of the year (2007!). Notice, too, that the album has 11 songs. Finally, there are 7 people in our band, each playing 11 instruments over the course of a normal show. If you’re reading this and think this would be a good idea — i.e., something mutually beneficial to W.A.S. and to the 7-11 Corp. — please tell the 7-11 Corp., because we’re ready to do it.

He is the law

One cool thing about driving around Britain doing in-stores, which is what we’re doing this week, is that you have plenty of time to watch the movies that you buy with the credit they give you at the stores you perform in. Here is just a taste of what we’ve been watching:

Judge Dredd*
Rambo 1-3*
Cobra*
Cyborg*
Double Impact*
Executive Orders*
Out For Justice*
Above The Law (or Nico)*
Under Siege*
Under Siege II*
On Deadly Ground*

If it seems like we’ve been focusing on Sylvester Stallone’s work, Jean Claude Van Damme’s important work, and the work of Steven Seagal, that’s because we don’t give any shit about anybody else. We literally, guys, don’t give A FUCK about anybody else or the “work” they’re doing.

If it’s been a while since you last watched the movies listed above, now is the time to refresh. We’ve marked with an asterisk the films that are absolutely crucial viewing for any thinking person who’s alive in 2008 and cares about art. To be honest, we weren’t initially convinced that Executive Orders deserved an asterisk. What happens in Executive Orders is that Steven Seagal dies in minute 22. When it happened, we grabbed the van’s steering wheel and drove straight into a fuel tanker we were so angry. In awarding the film a star, our thinking is: “This film has 22 minutes more Steven Seagal than 70% of the movies out there — let’s give it an asterisk.”

But all the other movies on the list are tied for first place in Art, probably even in the broader category of Work. These are simply great films. Take Cobra, for instance. Sylvester Stallone plays General Marion Cobretti, a cop with an attitude and absolutely zero tolerance for street scum. Cobra (as his kids call him) shoots first, killing his target, and asks questions later, trying to ascertain whether a crime was being committed. He even wears leather gloves when he eats pizza. Much of the film catalogs Gunnery Sergeant Cobretti’s lethal showdown with a Los Angeles “murder gang” who have made a sport out of killing innocent people, much the way Cobra has made a sport out of killing suspected criminals. The winner takes all: Brigitte Nielssen, back when she was scorching hot:


Dying to know how it ends up? You need only consider that Sly Stallone went on to marry Brigitte Nielssen, whereas all of the actors who played members of the murder gang died in the making of Cobra.

Please leave your favorite quotes from Cyborg in the comments section, and fucking watch this:

Brain Thrust Mastery enters your life on Monday!

You craggly-sharped (un)crags,
If you’ve been reading Livejournal lately then you know that we’ve been the sujet du jour, de la semaine, et, god willing, du siècle. Rather than compose a gigantis email to you about what’s going on over the next five days, we thought we’d pull some (of your?) words straight off of Facebook, I mean Livejournal…
Regarding the album release, maizewhale666 writes: “new w.a.s. album btm [BRAIN THRUST MASTERY] ouut [sic] MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 17 March!!!!!!! Eye [sic] can’t waaait!!!”
On where to buy the album, gorghorde666 writes: “Cnt wait for the ’album’ — gonna buy it from play.com. theey always treat me right okay with coupoons.”
On our new television advertisement, bariumberryMburyem666 writes: “I saw an advertisement on TV today for the new We Are Scientists album. It’s so good, I laughed. I recorded a video of it just with my camcorder pointed at the TV screen. Then I loaded that onto my computer and loaded that onto Youtube. Check it out!!!!!!
Finally, see what seaRanchgorghorde says about our plans for Sunday: “W.A.S. playing the ’Play.com Live’ event this weekend, performing on Sunday 16th March. Tickets are still available to buy and cost just £6 for adults and £3 for children and can be purchased through http://www.play.com/live. When I heard this news, I quit my job immediately and put in for extra vacation time, talking to my boss about a salary increase — she said she will consider it!”
Furthermore we want to make this promise to people who aren’t able to make it to one of our patented in-store signing events: if you purchase BRAIN THRUST MASTERY and see one or all of us on the street, and have your copy with you, we’ll sign it, then and there, no questions asked. We begin carrying pens TODAY.

After Hours

Release week for our new single AFTER HOURS is drawing to a close, and with it your chance to help make us even richer than we already are. You see, a top 5 single would spell tremendous wealth for We Are Scientists. We would be kings. We would command such authority as to be beyond even Razorlight’s sway.
Will you help us? MONEY-PURCHASE THE SINGLE .
Here are the things we promise to do if AFTER HOURS breaks into the top 10:
– Eliminate all private debt in Britain.
– Make movies free to everyone under the age of 65.
– All children taught to read by 2055 A.D.
Here’s what you can expect if AFTER HOURS goes top 5:
– Demons will be summoned and allowed to live among us. (Demons will have to abide by man’s law.)
– All animals will be shaved bald and given full body tat work.
And if AFTER HOURS becomes the 1 single this week, we will:
– Consolidate all television news channels into one channel. Train a walrus to speak perfect English, put him in a red sweater, and make him the host of the news, 24 hours/day. He would be injected with a chemical cocktail that would allow him to forego sleep and just do the news.
As you can see, we’re not the kind of band to hog the benefits of a high chart position: we’re all about redistributing our gains. Get your copy of AFTER HOURS now!
WHAT VIDEO HATH WROUGHT
Part 2 of our award-winning (5 stars on the YouTubes!) coverage of the 2008 NME Awards is available for memorization. See Chris get the scoop from Charlize Theron! See Keith almost get beat up by Lethal Bizzle! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME HONEST JOURNALISM HAS INVOLVED DOUBLE PENETRATION!

Buy After Hours This Week Make Us More Famous

You chocolate-filled land mines,
As you may already know, our new single is out this week. It’s called AFTER HOURS, and it’s the first thing to come off of our new album BRAIN THRUST MASTERY, unless you count an unfathomable quantity of luke-warm anticipation!!

Own it: BUY IT; TO OWN IT, BUY IT.
Order AFTER HOURS in any of its wonderful formats (we got your picture discs, we got your box sets, we got your VHS) here: AFTER HOURS PURCHASE BUTTON REGION
iTunes got us to give them a special acoustic version of this song, a version that we recorded live at Union Chapel in December, and you can get that here: VERSION FOR A ROMANTIC DINNER WITH BRUCE WAYNE (ALIAS THE BAT)
Here is what the critics would be saying if they had taken our suggestions:

“AFTER HOURS is like a kitten licking my tongue with the sand-papery tongue of him. That is to say I was squeamish, but now can’t imagine kissing another.”
“It sounds like going to Heaven, going to Valhalla, going to Elysium, and then, at the end, sh** gets even better for that final chorus — that is AFTER HOURS to me, this journalist.” (cover review — review appeared in its entirety on the cover of the magazine, on top of picture of Duffy, on top of her face)
“A blast of fresh air into the tomb of modern rock music. I dropped a turd. I’ve been listening to this non-stop since I received it four days ago — I’ve listened to it nearly 1400 times. Over the last 200 listens or so, I’ve started to hate it a lot. It’s not fair to review this track based on listens 1200-1400. AFTER HOURS makes me tear at my face right now, but it is an excellent song.”

IN THE VISIBLE WORLD OF VIDEO
We whacked our dicks on camera last week at the NME Awards and the result was this journalistic neutron bomb: THE CAMERA LOVES THE WAY WE LOOK AT HIM

After Hours Out Today!

You kill-crazy hand puppets,
Our new single, AFTER HOURS, goes on sale today — finally you will be given the opportunity to own a piece of history. Did you fail to snap up a chunk of the Berlin Wall when chunks were still available? Did you lose an eBay bidding war for Sputnik? To actor Gary Sinise? Did you lose it to Gary Sinise, or maybe actor Bruce Willis? Well now is your chance to make good. 50 years from now, when your grandchildren ask whether you have anything cool from the distant past that they can have, hand them the EXCLUSIVE BOXED VERSION OF AFTER HOURS, and shut them up for a solid half-hour. Or why not grab it now from ITUNES?
Of course there are a variety of alternative formats to choose from, some featuring the marvelous b-side Best Behaviour, others sporting grotesquely bad b-side Dig Dug. Just kidding! Dig Dug is a great song, you’ll find!

You may also wish to look into this live acoustic version of After Hours, taped at Union Chapel: GREAT FOR A QUIET EVENING AT HOME WITH LUBE.
HISTORIC INTERVIEW
For insightful thoughts on subjects ranging from economic stability to advancements in medicine to candy, please view this interview: AN INTERVIEW IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS.

Meet Max Hart

You epicurean puritans,
Who is this Max Hart?


It’s the question that’s been on everyone’s mind in recent weeks, as he’s shown up stage-left at show after show playing keyboards and guitar with equal facility, and in our dressing room, eating some the best stuff on our rider. Who is Max Hart? you reasonably wonder. And the time has come for us to respond.

Max Leland Hart (née Maximilien James Leland Snow), a.k.a., in no particular order, Max Snow, Max [i.e., maximum] Snow, The Snowman, Hart of Snow, Maximum Hart, Max-a-millions [DJ name], Maxillofacial, The Smile, Poisons Enemy, and The Max Tax, was born in northern California in the 1970’s, when “gold fever” had seized the nation, driving hundreds of thousands of prospectors to the San Francisco area for a chance to make their fortunes. During these years, San Francisco would expand from little more than a frontier outpost to a literal boomtown, latticed with roads, dotted each week with new schools, churches, and of course, saloons. It was in these saloons where Max found his early education, watching attentively the movements of the barkeeps, croupiers, and prostitutes, with an eye toward increasing efficiency and profit. The story goes that at age 7 Max approached the owner of the ’49er Brewpub & Whore’snest with a plan to double the establishment’s take in a month. Intrigued by the youngster’s gumption, though finding his suggested course of modifications rudimentary and naive, the owner decided to give Max a job sweeping floors. And that is what he’s been doing this whole time, until we called him a couple weeks ago and asked him to go out on tour with us.
Okay, Max basically grew up in a house of ill repute — but can the guy cut loose? “Plenty of my friends who grew up in whores’nests are my most reserved friends,” you point out. Don’t worry about Max, y’all. Boy ain’t all business:


We know, we know. We still haven’t answered the big question: Does Max look like Owen Wilson? And if so, can he offer any insight into Owen Wilson’s whole suicide attempt thing? Well, yeah, he does kind of look like Owen Wilson. A lot of people think that. Take a look:

But Max claims not to have any inside dirt about Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt. He also says he doesn’t know whether Owen Wilson might try something like that again. When pressed, he admits that if he were Owen Wilson — which he is, more than most people, anyway — he wouldn’t try it again; he says he’d be chastened by the first attempt and he’d get some help. Which is classic Max, as we’ve come to know him: seeing the best in people, even to a naive degree. One can only imagine what kind of hair-brained scheme little seven year-old Max offered that bar owner back in the gold rush days; even as one chuckles thinking about what it might’ve entailed, one sympathizes with the owner’s decision to put little Max on broom-duty and keeping-the-whores-physically-clean duty.
So are we going to keep Max around? You tell us! Please take a second to fill out the poll below and let us know whether, when it comes to Max, we should “keep him” or “Jeep him”! By “Jeep him” we mean put him in a Jeep and send him packin’ — that’s right, his own brand new 2008 Jeep, as a consolation prize, just for participating. Now vote already!

What? The poll doesn’t work? That must be a sign that “man’s fate must ne’er be decided by committee,” as Max’s old boss Ralph Waldo Emerson, the whoremaster, will still tell you if you visit his saloon. No, guys, there’s no easy answer as to how long Max will stick around. Maybe we’ll grow to hate his sanctimonious ways, which for now tickle us so. Maybe he’ll grow to hate our open-minded, funny, refreshing, handsome ways, thus achieving what psychologists and bookies long ago labeled impossible. For now we’re very pleased with the way he helps us pull off fully realized versions of the new material and put a little life back into some of those musty old nags.
Yes, Max may be around for quite some time, or he may ride out the next tour or two and then move along to other things, in his new Jeep. All we ask is that you trust us to do what’s best for the band, and shut the fuck up and mind your own business.
Check this guy out:

Perfunctory Canada Update

You Hairless Werewolves,
Man oh fuck, lots of stuff going on recently, and it’s been awhile since we discussed it here — a show in Toronto yesterday; a gig with Snow Patrol outside Belfast and a slick shebang in Ibiza last week; Reading & Leeds Festival before that; months and months of recording and writing the new album (tentatively titled You Bang, She Bangs, You Want Some… Unh!); a show here and there in New York, Germany, and the UK earlier in the year; a gimantic headline tour before that; shows across the goddamn globe before that; more shows, mostly in the states and the UK before that; and, before that, more shows. And nary a word here on the “”””””News”””””” site [additional “scare quotes” for emphasis].
Well fuck us right in the belly button. We have been remiss. Here’s what’s going on:

It’s Masterpiece Theater over here, in other words, you guys!

Plant Wrap Up

You checkered futures,


Owing largely to the ingestion of vast oceans of alcohol peppered with creative talent, we finished recording the album (tent. titled “Birds of a Pleather”) last weekend and have returned to New York, where the weather is positively SOUPY! We walk down the street and half expect to run into gigantic wheat gum alphabetical characters! Seriously, folks!
All of which makes one wonder what the bits of pasta in ABC’s ‘n 123’s are really made of (?). It ain’t “wheat gum”, we can tell you that, because we just coined the term. Go to ChefBoyardee.com and the mystery grows only more viscous. No ingredients are listed for any of the products, and there’s an animation of a boy coughing up blood (!).

Screen grab from ChefBoyardee.com: after eating from a plate of spaghetti and meatballs, a queazy-faced caucasian male youth hacks blood at the viewer.


You need to get past that disgust right now, guys, and applaud Chef Boyardee’s compulsion for candor.
Wondering what the last few days in the studio were like? Peep this documentary footage:


All real, everybody. We don’t even know George Lucas.
We’re playing the Siren Festival this weekend, and meteorologists are saying it’s going to be off the hook. If you live in the South Brooklyn, Coney Island area, anywhere in there, you should stop by.