Category Archives: News

Keith watched the 12-12-12 Concert

Hey.  Hey!  Did you guys all watch the big 12-12-12 concert last night?  Wasn’t it great?  Wasn’t it just terrifically heartening to watch people from all over the world but mostly from England for some reason come together in one tremendous act of philanthropy?  And wasn’t it also just really difficult to tell whether the person you were watching perform up there on the stage at Madison Square Garden was an aging male rock star or a female member of the US government?  It was, right?  Oh, you thought it was easy? You think I’m crazy? Okay, then I suppose you’ll be getting a perfect score when we play:

MALE ROCK STAR or FEMALE U.S. POLITICIAN?


Let’s start with an easy one.   No problem, here:

It’s Dave Grohl, obviously.  Male rock star.  Classic.  If you got that one wrong, you need to quit this game right now.  Leave our website and go register yourself on www.certifieddummies.gov, because you are a certified dummy.  Dave Grohl.  Easy.

Maybe one more easy one before we really dive into the meat of this game?  Okay.  How about this gimme?

 

 

No problem.  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.  Easy, easy, easy.  You’ve mastered this game, right?  Wrong.

 

Here’s where it gets tough.  What’s this?  A male rock star or a female American politician?

I know, right?  This game is hard.  That’s what makes it both amusing and infuriating, hopefully not in equal measure.  Hopefully it’s a little more fun than it is difficult.  But that’s a man.  His name is Paul McCartney.  He is an extremely successful musician, and is a man.  You’re just going to have to trust me on this.

Next up:

What the?  What in the?  You’re not sure, right?  Could be a woman? A woman who represents maybe Vermont in the U.S. House of Representatives?  That’s what I thought, too.  I was so convinced that it was a woman who represents maybe Vermont in the U.S. House of Representatives that I double-checked my sources when I learned that it was Roger Daltrey from The Who.  I re-booted my laptop and re-installed Safari and re-ran the diagnostics and still my research concludes that this is a man named Roger Daltrey and not a woman who represents maybe Vermont in the U.S. House of Representatives.

Okay, let’s keep going.   You’re rattled, I can tell.  Ready?  What the fuck is this person?

 

Should we just stop?  Just move on to something else?  Something more fun?  This has kind of stopped being fun for me.  Because, guess what?  That attractive-if-perhaps-a-bit-strong-chinned MILF is actually a guy named Jon Bon Jovi.  Your guess is as good as mine, folks.

 

Okay.  I’m gonna give you a little cheat, now.  I’m going to go ahead and show you a photo of a group of female, American politicians, just so you’ll have a fresh perspective.  Cleanse your addled palate.  Here, now, is a quartet of U.S. Senators, all women.

 

 

You’re probably wondering why those Senators are delivering their Congressional referendum or whatever with musical instruments in tow.  Well – and, I hope you’re sitting down for this – those aren’t Senators.  They’re not even civilian women.  They’re the Rolling Stones, I’m told?

 

Just to keep this post from ending on a note of sour defeat, let’s play one more game.  One more really fun game.  It’s called:

 

MALE ROCK STAR or SWAMP GOBLIN?

 

W.A.S. Ad Solutions Networks

We have started a solutions networks for advertisers! If you’re an advertiser, or know someone who is, or is affiliated with one, or if you’re affiliated with one, and if it’s solutions you/they/she/he/it are after, look no further than our “networks.”™ We offer an adaptable, highly-rigid set of solutions developed over many years of industry experience and experimentation. Our list of clients speaks for itself:

• Jumanji
• Eric Idle (Monty Python, Spamalot)
• Boston Public Sewer System

Ask yourself this: Do you want ads that grab the attention of potential clients and won’t let go? That shake potential clients like a dog shakes a rabbit? That ingest clients whole like in the snake–rat arrangement? Let us revivify your dying brand. Here’s what we did for Google, a popular search engine whose quiet, lackluster ads littered New York City subway stations for months:

Our "murder" concept revivified Google's moribund subway campaign.

Two weeks after we tweaked the flaccid copy on Google’s subway posters — “juiced it and goosed it”™ — whatever service it was they were trying to sell experienced a sudden jump in impressions, engagement, awareness, and money happening™.

The results speak for themselves. And they speak volumes. Isn’t it time you gave your product the edge it needs to drive consumers down the purchase funnel toward longterm loyalty? Do you want customers, or brand ambassadors? The answers are — or should be — obvious. Or what, are you a turncoat piece of shit working covertly for a competitor?

It’s College Radio Day (like two weeks ago)!

ACOUSTIC LOVERS: We donated a very pleasant, unreleased acoustic recording of “After Hours” to “College Radio Day: The Album” — that’s right, it’s not just a day! It’s an album named after a day, that got released on the very day it was named after! It’s a good album, and the proceeds go to support college radio-related causes, so for once you can make your sick habit of purchasing music feel slightly less shameful.

Our track, you oughtta know, is only available on the physical version of the album and on the the digital version being sold at Amoeba’s new music site.

 

Not just a day but an album *named after a day.*

It’s the first day of Autumn! (On some planet.)

Let’s break a bad habit today! We have a bad habit of limiting our communication with you, the fan pool, to moments when we want to sell you something. Consider our most recent tweet (as of this writing): “PNIS NLRGMENT PiLL THAT duz WRK—HERE: [redacted].” Or the one before that: “Anyone want to buy a rubber band for 5 dollars?” Or our last news post on this very website, published after we got a line on some cheap Canadian dogs we were planning to import and then resell to you at a breadwinning mark-up. And do you want to know the saddest part? There were never any engorgement pills! There was never a rubber band! I mean presumably we could have found one had anybody responded to the offer, but it’s not like we had one sitting in a decorative box, ready to ship, as implied in that tweet. As for the Canadian dogs, well, they were real enough, we suppose (many of their snapshots are still on our fridge), but shouldn’t we be spending our time making more, better music? Aren’t we a band, for chrissakes, not some fly-by-night internet mini-mall? The answer of course is yes, by god, we are a band, and so making more/better music has become, in the hours since our last tweet and hopefully for many months to come, our absolute focus. Yes, we’re three guys, and guys are renowned for thinking about their dicks all the time, but in the current environment over here we’re actually — believe it or not — giving more thought to music-making than to our Jason Priestly’s, if you’ll permit us the use of an understandably unpopular euphemism. Yes, we’ve once again drilled down hard into the music-making process, and once again found it to our liking, less shame-inducing than pill sales, certainly. Once again, the songs are too hot to touch, which has us daily thanking Crom (our god) that they are not physical objects that ever need to be handled, really, just songs. We’ve started thinking about artwork, and an album title, and whether to use little blood splats or little bullet holes in place of all the o’s in the song titles, and which large corporations to thank in the acknowledgments — nearly all of them have played a significant role! In other words, for those of you who’ve been literally holding your breath for the next record, there is a chance you’ll survive. Not a good chance, no, but breath-holding for any amount of time over about a week carries plenty of inherent risk, and you must surely have known that the day you sealed your lips and pinched your nose.

What else is going on?

  1. Well, we’re watching the runup to the presidential election closely, of course, and mastering new sports.
  2. We’re working on an unsolicited ad campaign for Coors Light Alcohol, one of our favorite alcohols, an alcohol that could benefit from a fresh marketing approach, we think.
  3. We’re trying to find a time this month to go to all the big New York-area haunted houses, because we like to scream and rarely find the right situation for that.
  4. We’re working on a new written piece about actor Josh Lucas, who recently started following us on Twitter after noticing a 2006 free-form essay we wrote that mentions him 40 times.
  5. We’re doing this kinda cool competition sponsored by a hotel where a bunch of bands in Abu Dhabi and Brussels and London are having music fights, and the winner gets flown to London to record under our watchful scrutiny, and then we all play a show together. (Yes, on the surface it seems like the prize isn’t as valuable if a London band ends up winning, but consider that they won’t be all tired out from the flight, and will therefore be able to take full advantage of our tutelage — and our tutelage is essentially priceless.)
  6. Finally, but definitely way more important than our Coors Light commercial: Our own Andy Burrows is about to drop another solo record onto the marketplace, and we’re in a position to tell you that it’s a goddamn good one. We’re “in a position” to tell you this because, frankly, one of us is Andy Burrows, so all of us — including the other two — get to listen to the record early. Some of us, Keith for example, even played on the thing. It’s called “Company,” this record, and it comes out October 22nd, and you can listen to some of it here, plus see a music video featuring pretty ladies and sinister men, plus see a bunch of photos of Andy that don’t have Chris or Keith in them, if that’s the sort of thing you’re into. (They are very nice.)

Oh hey, and by the way, we’ve resumed giving advice. If you want some, email us at advice[at]wearescientists.com.

What our October is looking like.

ARGH!! We’re canceling some shows…

Friends & Fellows:

We’re saddened and annoyed and pissed off and, to be honest, a little embarrassed to announce that we have to cancel a few of our upcoming shows. In recent weeks, during recording sessions that have mostly been thrilling and optimism-inducing, we’ve learned that Keith — our fearless, warm-hearted, iron-lunged frontman — is suffering from singing-throat issues that, while totally curable and not long-term-scary, have put some temporary restrictions on the use of his voice. (Rest assured that Keith’s talking-throat functions and eating-throat functions remain as robust as ever.) The fine doctors who are treating Keith have told us in no uncertain terms that the schedule for our upcoming UK tour must change if his voice is going to last the course. So we’ve made the decision to cancel four of our shows. The hardest part about this process was in *not* simply choosing to cancel the four places we disliked the most, or the four places where we’d had the nastiest taxi drivers, or the four places where we’d accidentally ordered something we hated at a restaurant because pride kept us from asking the others at our table if anyone knew what “ris d’agneau” stood for. Instead we had to choose four places we love — Bristol, Portsmouth, Manchester, Glasgow; some of our favorite spots in the United Kingdom; places, all of them, that have shown us incredible audiences, late late nights stumbling into morning, raucous, insane concert-goers… We’ve made the choice, in the end, based on giving Keith’s throat consistent breaks, and in order to make sure that the honorable people we cancel on can get a refund for their ticket — something that would be out of our hands with festivals. To those of you who bought tickets to the Bristol, Portsmouth, Manchester, & Glasgow shows, we offer a sincere apology, and a sincere promise to make it up to you.

Full refunds are available at point of purchase for the affected shows. We’ll be on Twitter and Facebook to answer any of your questions.

***UPDATE***: For the reasons outlined above, we’ve also had to cancel our set at LouFest on August 26th. Sad face emoticon.

A Sneaky, Cheeky Show In Brooklyn

We’re going to play a sneaky, cheeky set this Friday at Union Pool in Brooklyn. There will be new stuff, there will be old stuff, there will not be many tickets.

Joining us are our wonderful practice-space-mates Kuroma, and a highly-listenable 3-piece we saw for the first time last week called Beach Arabs.

Tickets are here. (They just are.)

UK club shows in July!?!?

Hey! What? Yeah, that’s true! We’ve announced some UK club shows in July. Goddamn they’re going to be good! The schedule looks like this:

JULY
23 Bristol, Thekla
25 London, Garage
26 Portsmouth, Wedgewood Rooms
27 York, Duchess
30 Norwich, Arts Centre
31 Manchester, Deaf Institute
AUGUST
1 Glasgow, King Tut’s

The first thing you probably notice about that list is how goddamn INTIMATE the venues are. No joke, these are some intimate venues. That means that when tickets go on sale tomorrow morning at 9 AM, the rooms will sell out quickly. That’s not us tooting our own horn, it’s just us stating a fact. Heck, U2 playing without Bono could fill venues this intimate. Indeed, they have!

Ticket links can be found here. You gotta try our ticket links – man are they fast!

Hawt Lewkz Is Closing on April 16th

Tragic news from our sister merch site, Hawt Lewkz. Apparently the bozos are closing up shop. Here’s their latest blog post in full:

“This too shall pass,” the Bible tells us, and it may well have been talking about Hawt Lewkz. After an incredible, inspiring, inimitable run, we’re closing the shop doors – killing all the employees, sending the executives to jail, etc. AFTER APRIL 15th, 2012, WE WILL NOT ACCEPT ORDERS. All orders made before April 15 will of course be fulfilled, and customer service will remain active (just email management@wearescientists.com). We thank…

We’ll shed a tear, but we will NOT pour out some of the beer in our big bottle of beer. The stuff’s simply too precious. Something tells us the Hawt Lewkz boys would understand.

Cheap Music + Feed The Hungry

GUYZZ: We’re participating in a pretty cool charity thing this holiday season that begins tomorrow and runs for a week, and we want you to join us. What it is is: we and several other bands (OKGO, Of Montreal, Drive By Truckers, others) contribute a fresh recording to a bundle that you can pay whatever you want for, and each dollar buys a meal for a hungry person. (Like, chronically hungry, not just ready for lunch.) Spread the word, if you would. Scrape together a dollar. Our song alone is worth nearly 80 cents!!

http://groupees.net/hunger