The headline really says it all on this piece, but why not reiterate that the amazing PAWS will be touring with us in July. You can come find out whether we’re lying by nabbing a ticket to one of these shows, or you can just enjoy yourself this music video from those PAWS guys:
TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE FOR OUR JULY U.K. TOUR. That last sentence was in all-caps because we were YELLING IT! It’s exciting, we think. This time three months from now, we’ll be in Portsmouth, or Bristol, or London! Maybe Coventry! Glasgow? Manchester? Is it Preston? To be honest, we’re super-sketchy on how calendars work. Suffice it to say, we’ll be somewhere, and there’ll be a show that night, so we’ll be putting on our vintage mariachi clothes, and strapping on all the triggers for the lasers, and our road doctor will be fitting our eyes with all the fancy prosthetics, and WOW, we can already almost taste that day-of-show anticipation.
If this sounds like your kind of thing, click on the Turtle Click Zone! The turtles in the picture will whisk you over to the ticketing page, and then politely turn their heads while you pull out your credit card and make your purchase. (To be completely forthright: they will chew on your furniture while you’re distracted. It’s just “beak chewing,” though, which is practically nothing — significantly less destructive than teeth chewing.)
We booked some new shows! You should book tickets! Then let’s book a time to read some good books together!
The shows are in the U.K., and they’re SMALL—because we like tight quarters—and they go on sale THIS FRIDAY AT 9 A.M. Links to tickets and the names of the venues and the cities where they’re located: all that info is on our Shows page, accessible through the turtle link below. Click it. Click on it, the turtle link down there. That takes you to it, I think. Who knows how this stuff works??
Here’s a quick preview: BRISTOL 22/7… PORTSMOUTH 23/7… LONDON 25/7… COVENTRY 27/7… GLASGOW 29/7… MANCHESTER 30/7… PRESTON 31/7… CORK 2/8
So now you don’t have to waste a click if none of those appeal to you. How many clicks do you get per day? We get 25. Seems like a lot, but actually you go through them pretty quickly. We usually end up stuck on one webpage after about midday because we’ve run out of clicks and can’t navigate away.
Ha— the other night, we got home pretty late, maybe around 1 a.m., and we did a little web-browsing, and before we knew it we had blown the NEXT day’s click allotment. GOD. Haha. #worstdayever
J/K, you guys. We get all the clicks we want. We’re We Are Scientists.
POLICY UPDATE: We’ve decided to start using our email list. Why? Because email is due for a retro-vintage-rehash. Who uses email anymore? So 1999, right?! When did you last receive an email? When did you last own a computer that was capable of sending an email?? Probably 5 years ago. Well, dig out your Apple OldBook, because we’re going to start sending you some pretty hot stuff via email, and nowhere else. ON MONDAY, for example: we’ll email out pre-sale information for some new July tour dates in the UK. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! No! A week later (or so), we’ll send out pre-sale information for some new U.S. tour dates. AS IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH: This is going to be not just an “email” we’ll be sending you every monthweekdayweekmonth-ishly… it will be a *newsletter.* Meaning articles, interviews, photos, typefaces, and formatting. Also exclusive mp3’s (sometimes), videos (more often), and original jokes (in every newsletter).
There really is only one reason not to sign up for this newsletter, and that’s if you hate life, and *enjoy* hating life. The last part is key, because if you just ‘hate life,’ well then we can cure that. But if what you love is hating life, then this is not the newsletter for you. Go sign up for one of Huffington Post’s eBlasts—that’ll add some hate-foam onto your hate-cake.
Add some love-juice to your life-smoothie now!
Today we’re launching a new feature called Dan Dan’s Dirty Little Guilty Pleasure Video Corner. In DDDLGPVC, drummer Danny Allen will tip you off to an important guilty internet video pleasure. Next, you go watch the video. Finally, when you’re finished watching, you scream “THANK YOU!!!”
For this very special debut, Danny offers a two part series, to be viewed in order.
Honestly, good luck!
It’s true, we’re playing a free show next Thursday, 7 March, at the Gap store in Herald Square, which is where Broadway crosses through 6th Avenue in Manhattan and creates a kinda-sorta “square” — really just a mega-intersection. What’s going to happen is that they’re going to close the store from 6 to 8 pm, allowing only those who have RSVP’ed to come in. Once inside, you will be treated to a 45-minute set by us, plus probably some DJing by someone, and there is apparently a bar. Presumably there will be clothes all over the place, too, so you can look at those during idle moments. All in all, not a bad way to spend an early Thursday evening.
A new Star Wars trilogy is over the horizon! Here are seven stellar bits of trivia concerning the first six films. Guaranteed to impress even your nerdiest friends!
- The gold-colored character C3PO, who appears in all six Star Wars films, is, in fact, made of metal! He is a robot.
- The clone warriors of Episodes I, II, & III, though they look identical to Storm Troopers, are good guys!
- Chewbacca, Han Solo’s wookie assistant, is always just saying “Chewbacca!” in wookie language when he talks.
- The Ewoks, who appear in Episode VI, were played by trained dogs! After the movie’s completion, each of the actors had to keep one!
- During the filming of Episode II, a wild pig got onto the Millenium Falcon set and George Lucas shot it!
- In order to film the underwater scenes in Phantom Menace, the actor who played Jar-Jar Binks had to learn to actually breath underwater!
- In Episode III, Revenge of the Sith, you can see a weird little thing that wasn’t supposed to be there. George Lucas was reportedly so angry about this, he divorced his wife.
Hey. Hey! Did you guys all watch the big 12-12-12 concert last night? Wasn’t it great? Wasn’t it just terrifically heartening to watch people from all over the world but mostly from England for some reason come together in one tremendous act of philanthropy? And wasn’t it also just really difficult to tell whether the person you were watching perform up there on the stage at Madison Square Garden was an aging male rock star or a female member of the US government? It was, right? Oh, you thought it was easy? You think I’m crazy? Okay, then I suppose you’ll be getting a perfect score when we play:
MALE ROCK STAR or FEMALE U.S. POLITICIAN?
Let’s start with an easy one. No problem, here:
It’s Dave Grohl, obviously. Male rock star. Classic. If you got that one wrong, you need to quit this game right now. Leave our website and go register yourself on www.certifieddummies.gov, because you are a certified dummy. Dave Grohl. Easy.
Maybe one more easy one before we really dive into the meat of this game? Okay. How about this gimme?
No problem. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Easy, easy, easy. You’ve mastered this game, right? Wrong.
Here’s where it gets tough. What’s this? A male rock star or a female American politician?
I know, right? This game is hard. That’s what makes it both amusing and infuriating, hopefully not in equal measure. Hopefully it’s a little more fun than it is difficult. But that’s a man. His name is Paul McCartney. He is an extremely successful musician, and is a man. You’re just going to have to trust me on this.
What the? What in the? You’re not sure, right? Could be a woman? A woman who represents maybe Vermont in the U.S. House of Representatives? That’s what I thought, too. I was so convinced that it was a woman who represents maybe Vermont in the U.S. House of Representatives that I double-checked my sources when I learned that it was Roger Daltrey from The Who. I re-booted my laptop and re-installed Safari and re-ran the diagnostics and still my research concludes that this is a man named Roger Daltrey and not a woman who represents maybe Vermont in the U.S. House of Representatives.
Okay, let’s keep going. You’re rattled, I can tell. Ready? What the fuck is this person?
Should we just stop? Just move on to something else? Something more fun? This has kind of stopped being fun for me. Because, guess what? That attractive-if-perhaps-a-bit-strong-chinned MILF is actually a guy named Jon Bon Jovi. Your guess is as good as mine, folks.
Okay. I’m gonna give you a little cheat, now. I’m going to go ahead and show you a photo of a group of female, American politicians, just so you’ll have a fresh perspective. Cleanse your addled palate. Here, now, is a quartet of U.S. Senators, all women.
You’re probably wondering why those Senators are delivering their Congressional referendum or whatever with musical instruments in tow. Well – and, I hope you’re sitting down for this – those aren’t Senators. They’re not even civilian women. They’re the Rolling Stones, I’m told?
Just to keep this post from ending on a note of sour defeat, let’s play one more game. One more really fun game. It’s called:
MALE ROCK STAR or SWAMP GOBLIN?
We have started a solutions networks for advertisers! If you’re an advertiser, or know someone who is, or is affiliated with one, or if you’re affiliated with one, and if it’s solutions you/they/she/he/it are after, look no further than our “networks.”™ We offer an adaptable, highly-rigid set of solutions developed over many years of industry experience and experimentation. Our list of clients speaks for itself:
• Eric Idle (Monty Python, Spamalot)
• Boston Public Sewer System
Ask yourself this: Do you want ads that grab the attention of potential clients and won’t let go? That shake potential clients like a dog shakes a rabbit? That ingest clients whole like in the snake–rat arrangement? Let us revivify your dying brand. Here’s what we did for Google, a popular search engine whose quiet, lackluster ads littered New York City subway stations for months:
Two weeks after we tweaked the flaccid copy on Google’s subway posters — “juiced it and goosed it”™ — whatever service it was they were trying to sell experienced a sudden jump in impressions, engagement, awareness, and money happening™.
The results speak for themselves. And they speak volumes. Isn’t it time you gave your product the edge it needs to drive consumers down the purchase funnel toward longterm loyalty? Do you want customers, or brand ambassadors? The answers are — or should be — obvious. Or what, are you a turncoat piece of shit working covertly for a competitor?