Several crucial points:
Friday night set the temporal stage for another W.A.S. grand-scale victory over at club Devious Semantics. Devious Semantics, for those of you who have shut themselves into a vault deep underground where neither news-bearing radio waves nor cable, er, cables can penetrate, is the name of the label that pays us. Not really, but they are the high-tech hotshots that have been chosen from a pool of many thousands to produce and record W.A.S.’s first full-length album.
Yes, W.A.S. will be recording a full-length album this month that will, with luck, be available in November. Please do not flood us with checks and money-orders in an effort to beat the Christmas rush; availability will be high: none who thirst shall go without drink, is our feeling around here on what would be fair.
Now: does anyone, anyone, anyone read this W.A.S. news page? We realize that failure to update may be getting you(s) down. Tangentially: is it not odd and unfortunate that, unlike the lucky european languages and possibly other languages of which we have no knowledge, english doesn’t differentiate between the singular and plural second person pronouns? Like if I say, “You’ve got to see this,” I may mean either that you, the person reading this right now, should check this thing out, or that you and the many thousands of other young hipsters reading this right now should check out this cool thing I’ve got right here in my palm-fist. So but isn’t that unfortunate, that failure to differentiate? We here at W.A.S. are deeply concerned about this issue during the current paragraph, and so we are toying with the idea of writing “you(s)” to notify you(s) and even you that we mean you(s) when we do in fact mean that. However, like underwear carefully chosen earlier that evening, this idea is being cast aside so that we can get on to more pressing things. Please take a moment to re-read the last sentence and fully explore its double-meaning.
And now allow us to recapture an earlier strand of thought: we know the never-updating that goes on in this, the news section of the W.A.S. site must really anger some of you and have an even stronger effect on the rest, but we hereby vow to update this section with much greater frequency, never less than once per week, for at least a while, until we grow weary of doing so. And do you see? Do you see how careful we are that efforts be taken to please you? We are referring of course to our use of the predicate “grow weary of doing so” three sentences ago in place of the far more common and easy to pull off “get tired of doing it” or even the autopilot-y “get shit in the brain.” Your enjoyment = in many ways, our goal. Look to see that we live up to that.
That’s an odd turn of phrase, is it not ( =iznit! )? “Look to see ___.” What the f%*$ does that mean? Did we just make that up, actually? Is that even something people say? As larger degrees of our intellectual gaze fall upon it, the idea of people using it seems less and less plausible. We obviously just made that up. If it were technologically possible to go back and delete that, and it is, then we would certainly do it; you can trust us there.
A final note: when we use the pronoun “we” to denote the author of chunks of text on this site and in emails you receive from us, a feeling of self-consciousness/loathing descends on us like a blanket of January snow, like the feeling one gets from typing out similes that involve snow. The s-c/l is a direct result of the fact that this usage reminds us of what Dave Barry sometimes does; that is, he types ‘we’s at the beginnings of sentences. The difference — and we insist that you make an attempt to understand this subtle but nevertheless absolute barrier — is that Dave Barry is one man sitting at a computer, while we are three. We don’t mean this metaphysically, like that the single one of us writing represents three people. We mean that the three of us sit here and type together. “You mean, guys, that one person types whilst the other two read over his shoulder and shout lewd action verbs?” No. We mean that I, Chris, take the keys from R/F/C left; that I, Keith, take the keys from T/G/V to I/K/M; and that I, Michael, take the keys from O/L/< right and the numerics. I, Michael, am also in charge of the 'Home', 'Insert', 'Page up/down' keys and so forth, but they are rarely used. We should note that the function keys, that is keys F1 through F12, remain to this day unassigned. God forbid we should ever need to use them, as pandemonium would be the result. Great, and so: send us mail at firstname.lastname@example.org. Tell us things, about you, your job, your life. We would like to put exerpts from emails on this page for all to see, but only if they're interesting and lyrical and not the usual offers of free sex that we receive from you people and your online porn affiliates. We feel like that can stop, although some of the links are pretty sexy, yes.
Several crucial points: