Category Archives: Features

A Treasure Trove of Pickup Lines (Part 1)

There’s one big advantage that New Yorkers have over their counterparts living almost anywhere else in the world: resources. The breadth of resources that New Yorkers can access is unparalleled. Art, food, people, buildings, languages, music — all exist in an embarrassing panoply. So surprise is hardly the appropriate reaction to discovering that New York’s Times Square is home to a ready bank of top-shelf pickup lines.

Indeed, a stroll up 7th ave. democratically affords anyone — from the Hasidic virgin to the profligate pimp — access to The List, a collection of 100 varyingly-smoove romantic lines sold by men with fluorescent placards on their chests. Cost: $3. Benefit: Can you really put a price on the kind of sex earned with a dirty come-on? No; this is the real deal — the mammalian fuck-making invented by lions (and perfected by Colin Farrel).
At WAS HQ, we care about very few things, but one thing we really do care about is that each of you, our tragically mortal fans, should be able to experience the ferocious sex of the great cats. So we�ve reprinted The List here, along with annotations by our resident Sexpert, Sam DiClaremont, who has never been much good with picking up girls, and is therefore maybe a little bitter and dismissive of the whole pickup line “thing”, but in the end Sam knows his stuff, and he�ll help you cull the potent from the slap-inducers.
The rest is up to you!
[FYI, The List is divided into 5 sections: Funny Lines, Sweet Lines, Joke Lines, Kinky Lines, and Lines Women Wish Men Would Use. They�re all so pregnant with possibility, it�s a little amazing. We�ll get all five sections to you over the course of this week, starting with two today. Oh, and at the bottom of each page is printed the following: �To place an order, call 917-915-0469 or E-mail us at Creative_Minds_Inc@Yahoo.com today!� So presumably you can contact them and order more, uh, magic, we guess � not really sure what they�re selling. And note that we’ve retained all of The List’s spelling/grammatical questionables for authenticity/indie-rock chic.]
Section I: Funny Lines

1. Girl, I’m like Dominos pizza. if you don’t come in 30 minutes, the next one is free!
I like this one. The fact that it is so semantically and logically flawed screams “carefree spirit.” I would imagine that this is a very successful line.
2. Hey girl, why don�t you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up!
Nice. Suggestive without going too far. You can�t be sure that he�s offering you sex, but it seems like he might be.

3. Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants!
Not bad, but I prefer the variation, “Damn those pants is shiny! I can practically see myself in your pants, girl! Shinypants!”

4. The word of the day is legs. Let’s go back to my place and spread the word!
Okay, but I think you’d clearly not want to go with their punctuation. Do you really want to shout “Let’s go back to my place and spread the word!”, as their exclamation point implies? I tend to think something like that needs to be delivered suavely, calmly, with an elbow leaning on the bar, followed closely by the gentle sipping of your beer.
5. Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Ho ho! You may have to walk by again!

6. Excuse me; don’t you recognize me with clothes on?
A nice tactic. You’re trying to convince the person that the two of you are already in an intimate relationship together. The implication: why not go ahead and continue with the carnal pursuits that have characterized our last few years together?

7. As long as I have a face, you’ll always have a place to sit.
Great! Where can I hang my coat?

8. Excuse me, miss, do you have any African in you?
Response: No
Answer: Would you like some?

I actually have used this line before and it has worked well.

9. Haven’t I seen you in my dreams?
“Huh huh, huh huh, duuuuh� wait, haven’t I seen you in my dreams” This one feels like confusion to me. I guess it’s all in the delivery.
10. Girl, let�s have a party and invite your pants to come down.
This is genius. I fucking love this line. I would go with “Girl, let’s have a party and invite your pants to come on down,” but otherwise this line is airtight.

11. Can I give you a ride home? I’ve got two tokens.
That is definitely a very funny line.

12. If I can’t have you in this life, can I have you in the next?
“Can I have you in the next life? If so I’ll speed us both along to that next plane of existence with this automatic pistol.” Why is this classified as a funny line? There’s no joke here.

13. Hi, I’m new in town, could you give me directions to your apartment?
Hot. What about, “I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your heart?” or, if you’re feeling frisky, “down your pants?”

14. Hey girl, tell me where you’re going to be, so I can be there too.
Fucking stupid. “Tell me where you’re going to be so I can be there too! Tell me where you’re going to be so I can be there too!!!�” This line is menacing. I picture a guy up in a tree chanting this at the top of his lungs.

15. Sweetheart, I’m a little low on cash, can I put you on layaway?
“Um, sure, I guess.” What does that mean if she agrees? Does that mean that as soon as you can get some money together, the two of you will go out? Not a very romantic notion.

16. Excuse me, miss, do you have a minute?
Response: No
Answer: Well, you can borrow one of mine.

Awwwwww� awwwwwww�it’s this sort of heart-melting consideration for the other party that very regularly gets guys laid.

17. Excuse me, miss, do you have a man?
Response: Yes
Answer: How long have you had that problem?

Toasted! Although, as someone hoping to become her man, isn’t it sort of illogical to characterize having a man as a problem?

18. Now that we’ve met, I bet you’ll have some good dreams tonight.
This one’s all in the simpleton wording.

19. Excuse me, miss, you dropped something.
Response: What did I drop?
Answer: My phone number!

A ploy that never fails. To get her in bed even faster, consider answering, “Deez NUTS!”

20. Excuse me, miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
Sweet, sweet, sweet! Yes! I love it! Yes, you can borrow my phone number since you lost yours! Better yet, let’s go to bed!

Section II: Sweet Lines

1. You are the second most beautiful woman in the world, next to my mother.
What the fuck? Does a girl really want to hear that? “Baby, you are very pretty, but my mother� ooohhhh my mother, I�oooohh�

2. Excuse me; miss, do you mind if I give you this rose? I just want to show it how beautiful you are.
I love it. Go with it. If you’re crazy enough to pull it off, then yeah, do it. “Meet my rose, Germain, girl. Germain? Can you say hello to the pretty lady? Girl, Germain wants you to take your shirt of�would you mind doing that for him please”

3. If I was father time, I would make time stand still so I could admire your beauty.
“If I was father time, I would make time stand still in a timely manner so I could admire your beauty time and time again.”

4. I’m sorry for staring at you; I’ve never seen an angel up close before.
“But I have now, girl. Goddamn, I have now� Awwww, yes, I have now�damn’goddamn you got a fine ass, girl � angels got tha foin asses it turns out!! Ha HA!!”

5. If I had the power to rearrange the order of the alphabets, I would put U and I together.
I like that “alphabets” is plural. This guy is dedicated. He needs all the alphabets rearranged. First, he needs the letters “i” and “u” added to all the non-roman alphabets of the world, then, through careful lobbying of the relevant governing bodies, he�s going to get those two letter put right next to each other in the official alphabetical order. Dedication is sexy.

6. Girl, if I could hold you in my arms, I would know what it’s like to hold perfection.
“I would know what it’s like to hold a perfect ass, and have perfect breasts pressed against my chesticles.”

7. Excuse me, I seemed to be lost, can you give me directions?
Response: Where do you need to go?
Answer: I need to find the quickest way to your heart.

“I seemed to be lost.”
“But you’re okay now? You know where you’re going”
�Oh, yeah. Yeah, I�m fine. Thanks for your bootylicious concern.�

8. I wish God could give me another heart so I could fall in love with you twice.
Yes, yes, yes. No woman can resist this.

9. You’re hope, I’m less. Without you I’m hopeless.
Wouldn’t it be with you that I’m hopeless?

10. GOD gave the world light so I could see how beautiful you are.
Do they put GOD in all caps because you’re supposed to really emphasize it? “GOD!! gave the world light so I could see how beautiful you are.”

11. I would commit robbery if it meant I could steal your heart.
So, you would go rob a liquor store or something if it would cause me to fall in love with you? Why, that might be just the thing…

12. If falling in love with you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
“If falling in love with you is wrong, lock me in jail and throw away da mudda fuckin KEY, girl!! ” A classic for good reason. It’s interesting that the “Creative Minds, Inc” are claiming that they made this up; that seems dubious.

13. I don’t know what’s more beautiful in the morning. Watching the sunrise or looking into your eyes.
“I honestly don’t know, girl. I just absolutely love to get up in the morning and watch the sunrise — I love it — but on the other hand there’s also the fact that I do enjoy looking at your eyes, expecially when you naked. And I guess it’s a three-way tie, cuz I also very much dig looking at your tittays.”

14. Excuse me, miss, where are they?
Response: Where are what?
Answer: Your wings, I know an angel when I see one.

BLAAM! “I know an angel when I see one; will you go to the middle-school formal with me”

15. Excuse me, miss, do you have a quarter? I promised I would call my mother as soon as I fell in love.
“An� I just fell in love, girl — [long pause accompanied by deep staring into the eyes] — wit’ YOU, girl!!! Pladow!! Bam! Bam! BAM! Yes, girl! Yes, it’s true: we are to be married!! Ha ha!! Good news, girl, good news!! Bing, bang, boom!!”

16. If GOD made anything more beautiful than you, I hope he kept it for himself.
“I hope he did, baby, cuz God deserves something nice. The only person deserves somethin nice more than God, well that would be my mother, girl.” And there’s the all-caps GOD again; perhaps it’s an acronym? “Girl, allow me to introduce you to my deity: Goat of Dominion. Call him GOD; he fancies it.”

17. Excuse me, miss, there must be a thief somewhere, because someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
“Excuse me, miss, ALERT! ALERT! There’s a fuckin thief! [this one goes better if you really play it up] A fuckin� THIEF, miss!! HIDE! HIDE! HIDE YA�SELF!! WHAT�D HE STEAL, MISS? YOU ASKIN ME WHAT DID HE STEAL, GIRL? He stole the stars from the sky and put ’em in your eyes, girl, ha ha! Damn! Hit me wit’ them digits, girl.”

18. God must be lonely today, because one of his angels is missing from heaven.
I�m yours. Remove my clothes at your leisure.

19. If I were a poet, my words alone could not describe your exquisite beauty.
“I would require, girl, in addition to my words: paste, construction paper, bottle caps, Jenga, some wet-wipes, a travel alarm clock, a clean t-shirt, and a small box of jimmy-hats, girl”

20. All the lights in the sky can’t compete with the sunshine you bring into my life.
All those mysterious, inexplicable lights in the sky.

FRESH JIVE

WAS is regularly in receipt of requests for a new lingo, a new way of speaking. A typical enquiry: “Dear WAS, none of my friends talk as cool as you, and neither do I; won’t you be so kind as to invent a lexicon we can use to communicate with each other and the greater community? There is nothing in this for you, save an altruist’s warm satisfaction and the bodies and minds of my generation.”

Your pleas have found a warm reception, for we are very arrogant and like the idea of shaping America’s most beautiful minds, who spend their nights obediently nudging our hit-counter. Forthwith, the first descriptions of what will eventually grow to be a comprehensive vernacular, used with equal facility by senators and sailors, 6 year-olds and street vermin. We’ll begin today with common terms useful in everyday conversation.

Snarf – to steal and eat, to eat without permission. E.g.: “I hope you don’t mind my snarfing your nuts, your peanuts.” “I was saving them for my dying sister.” “I see.” Those comfortable using language figuratively may do so with “snarf” by invoking its alternate meaning, Unauthorized Adoption of Another’s Mannerisms or Idiosyncracies, as in, “Man, that guy totally snarfed that other guy’s steez.” “Yes. Yes he did.” “Right?” “Yes. I already said yes.”

Pellets – food. E.g.: “You don’t have any pellets, do you? I’m starving.” “Yes, you must quite literally be starving! I mean, you’ve just been rescued after 8 days of wandering through these woods without food or map, you having lost your way at the National Park’s entrance during what was intended to be a day-hike. So yes, of course, have these pellets here for now, and then when the helicopter touches down in civilization, me and the boys’ll take you out for some of the best Italian pellets you’ll ever eat at this place I know.” “Thank you.”

Water head – a stupid person, imbecile. E.g.: “Oh MAN, you’re an idiot! Good God!! Let me feel of your head … let me hold it in my hands and sort of heft it … okay, relax your neck so I can heft it and get a feel for what it weighs … Yeah, see? It’s actually normal head-weight, and yet you are so stupid that we can rule out the possibility of there being brains in there, even pig brains, so I’m guessing what you’ve got is basically a water jug up there on top of your neck. You water brain.” “Doctor, that child suffers from hydrocephalus — he was quite literally born without a brain. I think you owe the family an apology. They are on the other side of that two-way mirror.” “Yes. Yes, of course. Pardon me. It’s just that he couldn’t answer even the simplest questions correctly.” “Or at all, I should imagine. His head is full of water.” “Then my diagnosis was correct and I’m not sure I see the problem. Good day.”

Traditionalist – one who prefers a good old-fashioned hanging to modern entertainments. E.g.: “Stan, buddy, a couple of us are going to get together and drive over to the mall and see a movie in the theaters there. You in?” “No man, no. I’m a bit of a traditionalist, I guess.” “Well, I don’t think they really do that anymore, dude. Maybe in third world countries or something.” “Then I’ll accompany you to the movies. Is Dog Soldiers on?” “Yes, dude. It’s what we’re going to see.” “Great. Let’s go. The sooner we begin watching Dog Soldiers the better.”

Achingly beautiful – sad, pathetic, na�ve. E.g.: “Look, I guess … sniffle sniffle … I guess I just thought that if we worked at it, if we stuck to our commitment to each other over everything else …sob … that … that what we’d end up with would be more valuable than anything we might have given up to be with each other … sniffle sniffle …” “Wow. That is just achingly beautiful.”

Dog Soldier – one of a group of werewolves who operate within a military command structure/hierarchy. E.g.: “[voice quavering] All I know is… sob… it’s like they were working t-t-together, y’know? These… these wolves were organized, Sir, I mean… they anticipated us…” “Okay, now just slow down, son. You’re telling this committee that 119 soldiers — your entire platoon — were wiped out by a pack of wolves? That these wolves were, were somehow organized?” “With all due respect, General, your man’s telling the truth. We’ve seen this before. In the Balkans. A unit of Dog Soldiers wiped out my entire regiment. More like three regiments, actually. In like an hour.” “Wait wait wait, hold on … Daw-…Dog Soldiers?” “It’s what their jackets say, General. Their leather jackets. Like biker jackets. Say ‘Dog Soldiers’ on the back. Very cool.” “Sounds it.”

Hasbro, Hasbuddy – Friend, pal. E.g.: “Hey! What’s up, hasbro?” “Ho ho ho! What Is UP, hasbuddy!!?”

Readers of the WAS Scientific Intronet Periodical,

meet Vince DeNunzio —

cold, calculating, constructive with criticism; the consummate consummate; always one step ahead of the curve, always game to settle a fist-fight with a knuckle sandwich; a physique to match his bearing – which is plaid, and often immitated – and a smile like a string of pearls, cuz his teeth are like pearls, cuz they’re shiny, white, perfectly round and relatively fragile. He’s the man of a thousand faces, all of them very similar. He’s the man who, if you saw him in a crowd — though you’ve met him a thousand times, spent countless hours in his company — you wouldn’t recognize him, if you had the retrograde amnesia, like the guy in memento, the movie, and if you didn’t have a polaroid of Vince, or, more likely, you had one but didn’t cross reference him with your stack of polaroids, cuz he’s just another guy you’re passing in the crowd, so why check him?, why cross-reference?, except that you might catch him staring at you and looking away too quickly, way too quickly, and then whistling very suspiciously and nodding greetings at people who don’t notice him, cuz that’s how he does his undercover work, Vince, then you might check your stack of polaroids, where you’d probably find his picture. And in the white bottom margin would be written.

Minor Alterations to Song Lyrics Followed by Evaluation of Merit

Living on a Prayer, Bon Jovi
What if JBJ had settled on the word ‘layer’ before he reached ‘prayer’ in his rhyming dictionary?

original:
WHOA-OH, we’re halfway there,
WHOA-OOH! Livin’ on a prayer.
Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear,
WHOA-OOH! Livin’ on a prayer.

now this:
WHOA-HO! We’re halfway they-er,
WHOA-HOOO!!! Livin’ on a layer.
Take my hand, we’ll make it I sway-er,
WHOA-HOOO!!! Livin’ on a layer…

EVALUATION:
What does Jovi mean by ‘layer’ here? Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear; we’re living on a layer. Of what? Does he mean like a different layer of reality because they’re so in love? So, in a sense, when you’re that in love you can’t really lose? You’re like on a totally different ‘layer’? This is a strong change. It replaces a fairly clich�d sentiment with the fresh notion of living on a separate layer.

When the Fire Burns Over the Seas, Atrocity
What if these German metal gods had gone with ‘hounds’ instead of ‘areas’ in the opening verse of their fan fave When the Fire…?

original:
The Earth has suffered since the day
As mankind went insane
Children are playing on infected grounds
Fish and birds are shooed out of their areas

or this:
The Earth has suffered since the day
As mankind went insane
Children are playing on infected grounds
Fish and birds are shooed away by hounds

EVALUATION:
We love Atrocity, but we’ve always felt that songwriter Gunther Grass chickened out a little bit at the end of this verse. ‘Areas’ is the kind of weak, non-descriptive catch-all word best left to folk bands; Atrocity is better than that. The idea of replacing that vague descriptor with a concrete detail like hounds chasing things is sure tempting; the fact that ‘hounds’ rhymes with ‘grounds’ makes it irresistable.

Nookie, Limp Bizkit
What if the word ‘Nookie’ were replaced with ‘Rookie’? Huh? What if?

original:
I did it all for the Nookie (huh?)
The Nookie (what?)
So you can take that cookie
And shove it up your (whoa!), shove it up your (hey!), shove it up your (wha!)

or is this maybe better:
I did it all for the Rookie! (who?)
The Rookie! (oh!)
So you can take that cookie
And shove it up your (ya!), shove it up your (drat!), shove it up your (ya!)

EVALUATION:
Who’s this ‘rookie’? Is he the new recruit? The new percussion guy who also goes ‘scratchy scratchy’ on the record player? If so then this is a pretty interesting change. The idea that Durst went through the motions of dating a girl just for the Rookie’s sake is pretty affecting. It casts Durst as a considerate role model who’s aware that his romantic habits are likely to rub off on the younger members of his band, and that it’s therefore his responsibility to show the Rookie how things are done around camp Bizkit. The latter half of the chorus would then seem to be directed to a Bizkit hanger-on who’s offering Durst a cookie as payment for dating a girl, possibly his own sister. “Screw you, dude,” says Durst, “I did it for the Rookie, so he’d know that what goes on OUTside the sack is just as important as what goes on INside the sack, expecially if what you’re trying to do is make sure to pee right before you go to bed so you don’t wake up in the morning with a damp, naughty surprise.”

Casey Jones, The Grateful Dead
What if the Dead had gone with these important changes…

original
Drivin’ that train
High on cocaine
Casey Jones you better
watch your speed
Trouble ahead
Trouble behind
and you know that notion
just crossed my mind

Friend-on-my-tip remix:
Drivin’ that train
High on propane
Just about that time I think I
DROPPED MY BEANS
Doubled my hands
Doubled my eyes
Still not quite an octopus,
not quite a fly

EVALUATION:
The f-o-m-t remix has a nice specificity to the lyrics that was critically lacking in the original ‘Casey Jones’ — the last four lines of the original are pretty much gibberish. A good story is about watching characters change and adapt: in the remix, we watch the narrator undergo an interesting change, and that adds a sense of progress. Also, propane is a far more plausible drug for a train conductor to be abusing — fact is, they can’t afford cocaine. The original ‘Casey’ contains the ominous warning that Casey Jones had better ‘watch [his] speed’. But how much more troubling than this gentle reminder is the idea that Casey is so f’ed up from inhaling all that propane that he has dropped his precious beans.

IT HAS GONE TOO FAR

Part of being a scientist is being able to block out the noise and focus on whatever knot you’ve given yourself the task of unravelling. Manifestations of this vary from individual to individual, but the habit is unfailingly found in any respected, results-oriented scientist. Albert Einstein famously avoided losing precious energy to closet crises by drastically limiting his wardrobe. Nils Boer is reputed to have gone weeks on end sleeping short nights on his office couch in order to eliminate the ten-minute commute to and from his house, which was two blocks from campus. And who can forget the way that, when faced with a life-threatening challenge, Angus MacGyver seemed to go into a sort of “zone”.

Well, we’re no different. A lot of blocking out goes on here at WAS HQ, a lot of narrow-focusing, a lot of streamlining. As a result, people get ignored, their feelings get bruised, and we’re sorry about that, by the way, for those of you who qualify, and you are legion. Where would we be without our myrmidons? We ask you.

But man do the results speak for themselves. Relativity discovered; sub-molecular dynamics described; Murdoc and his fucking cronies from H.I.T. thwarted; and, of course, some of this era’s hottest rock music doled out. It is with species-benefitting advances in mind, then, that we are scientists registers the following complaint: people are really going overboard with the whole saucy bumper-sticker thing, and it’s becoming distracting, and it’s hurting our work.

You know what we mean, of course. A vanishingly small number of drivers remain who don’t feel compelled by la mode to accesorize their cars with decals demanding that any strangers within eyeshot fuck off. What a disconcerting trend! What’s that? Not sure you agree that there’s a problem? Think we’re over-reacting? Check out some of these bumper stickers we’ve spotted recently; then tell us things haven’t gone too far…

Come on! How uncool is that? What about this one:

Totally out of nowhere! This next one probably takes the cake; not only is it totally mean-spirited, but it must cost a bundle cuz it’s really, really big (we’ve seen versions that cover the rear windshield):

Wow! And what about THIS….

We should probably come clean: that last one we see a lot because it’s on our car.

IT TOOK 10 MINUTES TO CONCEPT SUPER MARIO BROTHERS

IT TOOK 10 MINUTES TO CONCEPT SUPER MARIO BROS.

CAST
Danny Dans Dir. of Console Gaming for NES North America
Jim Jimereeno and Andy Antics Chief Creative Officers

Dans: Next item… the side-scroller. We need characters and story so when Japan is here next week we have something to show them. Ideas.
Antics: What about, like, cooking.
Jimereeno: What about princess, dragon, knight, all that.
Dans: I like it. Let’s go with a classic kidnapped princess thing. What’s the twist.
A: A cooking twist.
D: Fuck cooking. Jim?
J: Ah, ah… hmmm…
D: Throw something out.
J: Vegetables. Mushrooms.
D: I don’t want cooking.
J: No, like… She’s princess of the mushroom people. Princess Toadstool.
D: Princess Toadstool. Tremendous. Gimme more. Who’s the bad guy, keep it coming.
J: Turtles!
A: Oo, oo, turtles!
D: Maybe turtles as the minions. The boss can’t be a turtle.
A: Can’t he? I mean think about it.
D: No, he can’t. The boss can’t be a turtle. Clearly not. He’s, he’s… I need ferocity from the boss, not sluggishness and wisdom. Not bookishness.
J: I don’t think you’re thinking of turtles. You’re thinking of owls. Turtles I don’t think you can describe as bookish. Maybe… maybe wise, I guess, if only because they’re kind of measured, but not really bookish.
D: What, you haven’t seen Robin Hood the cartoon? The Disney one? Skippy the turtle? Nerd with glasses?
J: Okay. But still. They’re ill-tempered. They have terrible tempers.
A: Turtles have beaks, right? Sharp?
D: Turtle’s fly off the handle, you’re telling me. The boss isn’t a turtle. If only for variety’s sake.
A: What about a dog. They’re mean.
D: True.
J: A huge dog with a huge turtle shell.
D: I love that.
J: With spikes.
D: I– I love that. Okay. So what happens.
J: Dog invades mushroom kingdom with turtle army, turns mushroom people into bricks, like, like stones… ah… puts princess in the dungeon, and she’s the only one who can undo the spell, the brick spell.
D: Wow. Just– wow. Japan will shit a brick.
A: So to speak! Brick?! Heh heh.
D: Very nice. What about the hero. Who’s the knight.
J: Oh… I mean… fireman, opera singer, barracuda, canteloupe, a pair of… a pair scissors, a… a fucking… a fucking plumber, you know? Almost doesn’t matter.
D: Absolutlely. Pick one. Andy? Pick one.
A: Ummmmmm… plumber I guess.
D: Great. What’s the twist.
J: Twin plumbers. Italian. From, like, Brooklyn.
D: I love that. They’re twins from Brooklyn. Italian plumbers. Names?
J: Mussolini. Mussolini and, and… Tito.
D: Tito? Is Tito Italian?
J: I don’t know to be honest.
A: Mario?
D: That’s Italian.
J: Mario and Luigi.
D: Tremendous. The Mario brothers.
J: So wouldn’t that make their last name Mario? So it’s Mario Mario?
D: I don’t follow.
J: Mario and Luigi Mario? It’s the Wright brothers because their last name was Wright. Orville and Wilbur Wright or whatever. So if they’re the Mario brothers then Mario’s last name is Mario. Mario Mario.
D: Okay. I’m fine with that.
J: Yeah?
D: Definitely.
J: Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, the Mario brothers?
D: It’s almost too good.

the thing with the writing of Schwarzeneggerian taunts in exchange for prizes and prestige and vainglory

The thing that we had – the thing with the writing of Schwarzeneggerian taunts in exchange for prizes and prestige and vainglory – is now over. We are washing our hands of this business, from now on. This was too much trouble, and while the benefits were great – look at these quotes! these unbelievably amusing and disturbing quotes! – the cost to our psyches was enormous. The dishonesty, it was staggering. Look at you people, you people with your voting over and over for yourselves, with no more shame than is exhibited by your average ant as it (along with its posse) washes over a man and skeletonizes him. Before we name the hero of this episode, we would first like extend a special thanks to Ookla and Doc, two upstanding individuals who were humble and honest enough to admit that their lousy quotes were unworthy of even their own votes. Good job, kids. Not on the quotes, mind you – just the honesty. The quotes were stinky.

But so anyway, who won this thing, this awful, beautiful contest? Let’s take a look at the numbers:

First Ever (and, with luck, First Annual)
Schwarzeneggerian Execution Taunt Contest & Tremendathon

Which
taunter should win the FE(a,wl,FA)ETC&T?

Malcolm (60) 25%
i_am_a_winner (55) 23%
philo (2) 1%
Pancho_the_Bull (50) 21%
ookla_the_mok (0) 0%
Doc (0) 0%
Pope Pius XVII (59.5) 25%
electric_fuzz (8) 3%
MC Shammer (5) 2%


Total Votes:
239.5

Yeah, it was Malcolm. Malcolm took that ball and ran with it. He just ran and ran and ran – aimlessly, he ran. But also vigorously. Vigorously, he ran. What vigor! we shouted upon reading Malcolm’s quotes, and we assume that a nation agreed, because the votes are with him. Just like the votes were with the startlingly simian Commander-in-Chief of our Country. Malcolm is the George W. Bush of the WAS nation, and we will follow him to ruination.

Before we wrap this up and allow you to move on to browsing the almost pornographically arousing “photos” page on the website, we’d just like to point out how close this race was. The Pope, a close second, lost it by only 1/2 of a point. 1/2 point?! How is this possible, we ask? The answer, we assume, is that the technology is working for us. Somebody who voted was actually only half a person, or at least only voted half-heartedly, and the computer recognized this, marking the score as such! What intelligence these machines have now! What vigor!

In Honor of the Passage of Michael's Birthday, The Contest Is Over!

And in honor of his new maturity (trust us: brand new), we have decided that the contest’s winner should be determined using that most characteristically adult of political precepts, besides slander: democracy. Yes, the winner shall be decided by vote; yours, to be exact.
Since an uneducated vote is a corruption of the very principles ‘pon which the WAS heritage is founded, what you should do is go to the entries page and read over the entries. The decision you have then to make is not which particular taunt most impresses you, but which taunter put in the best cumulative performance. Then cast your vote. In a week or so, we’ll announce a winner, along with a detail of her/his prize package. As my junkie friend has managed to say at least once every five minutes for the several years I’ve known him: Get psyched. [Alt.: Dude, get psyched.]