Category Archives: Features

Scientific MAKEOVER


Rick!
Rick’s from Cincinatti, where he runs wild with a pack of dogs; for Rick, scavenging, rulership of the hills, and the caress of a gentle breeze as you sleep are a way of life.

We played around with Rick’s look, and we think you’ll agree that the results should help him to hump all the bitches that have been eluding him.

Don’t take our word for it…


Uh oh!


Yes yes yes!!! Here come da humping!!


Any bitches reading this are almost certainly in heat at this point!


MAAAAKE-OOOOOVERRRRRRRRR!!!! A look like this might even give Rick a shot at some human females! Can you dig it? Or can you not, and therefore you have brain damage?

RICK

YOU

ARE

ON

FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-ERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Final test: what do the ladies think?


“Rick…is something different? Did you lose weight?”


“I brought you some flowers, Rick. Go ahead…take them. Rrrrrrick…”

WOW!!! Another successful
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE-OOOOOOOVERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

SEVERAL PHRASES THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN TO THE GENTLEMEN OF W.A.S.

We would like to sign you to our record label!

Let’s get your music into the hands of kids all over the world! I have the power to do that!

Sorry, we can’t make change for a bill this large!

I can’t get this jar open — can you?

It’s weird — I have this habit of coming to you for answers to the tough questions.

Dude, if it weren’t for you I’d be dead right now, or worse! You know that!

Turns out you excel at golf!

I want to so bad — more than I’ve ever wanted anything — but it seems you’re too big!

According to this your scores are right off the charts!

How do you find the time to update your website so much? It’s unreal!!

You’re so good with follow-through!

Thank you for what you did!

CORRECTIONS AND ADDENDA

In the January 18 edition of this webpage, we reported that “the average adult in good physical condition can easily outrun even the the most athletic lion.” This should have read, “cars can outrun even the most athletic lion.” We regret the confusion.

Our February 9 edition reported that health authorities in China were confronting a “mysterious disease causing the melting of facial flesh, and the falling out of eyes.” The disease, now called SARS, is not associated with those symptoms. We regret the error.

Our June 15 edition erroneously reported that, “tomato manufacturers have recalled all tomatos due to a deadly side-effect of genetic manipulation that has already killed tens of thousands. The side-effect, christened ‘Facial Sloughing’, causes the fatal melting of the face of a person who has consumed even microscopic portions of tomato, or breathed air that has come into contact with tomatoes or other air.” We regret the error.

In the June 24 edition of this website, we reported that geneticists working with the US military had developed “rabbits with machine guns for heads, deer with laser-heat vision capable of incinerating entire villages, squirrels with on-board missile guidance systems that can guide their own bodies–for they are also working missiles–into a target up to 200 miles away, and otters with submarine-busting drill apparati built into their groins.” We retract those claims, and regret the error.

Our July 1 edition reported that “Earth’s moon and Earth’s core, long felt to be discrete entities, have been shown by scientists working at NASA’s Albuquerque facility to be ‘one and the same thing’.” A NASA representative denies the report, asserting, surprisingly, that the moon and Earth’s core are “like [literally made of] apples and oranges.” We regret the confusion.

Scenes from the Boda Dome: Transcription of Elevator Security Tape 60040.11, Oct/11/33


WOMAN: Suitcase? Whereya going?

MAN: Ah, London.

W: Reeally? Very nice. For work or vacation?

M: No, work.

W: Oooh.

M: Yeah, but I’m going to Spain first.

W: REEally?! Woow! For vacation?

M: Oh no, uh…for work.

W: Okay, okay.

M: …

W: Have y’ever been to Cold Rock?

M: Mmmm, no. No. What’s that?

W: Ice cream. Delicious.

M: Oh!

W: DELICIOUS!

M: Wow. Um, where is it?

W: I donno. My friend took me there on Saturday.

M: Oh. I’ll, I’ll keep my eyes open.

W: Do!

M: I, I will.

W: You really should! It’s aMAAAzing!

Friday, June 27, A Toast to Arthur Titsenballs

Friday, June 27
A Toast to Arthur Titsenballs
The Tank
432 West 42nd St (between 9th and 10th Aves)
Doors open at 8:00pm
$3
If ever there were a show where your dollar fetches an incredible value–and there were, for there is this show–then it is this show. In celebration of the man, the myth, the hedge fund– Mr. Arthur P. Titsenballs–we have invited some of our favorite NYC artists to come out and do the damn thing. Check back for additions to this list; they’re certain to occur:

Bishop Allen – beautiful indie rock from the attractive kids whose album was given four of Rolling Stone’s review staff’s best stars. Click on their name to go listen to the MP3s they made–‘Busted Heart’ will do you right. This will be the last small show Bishop Allen ever plays.

The Arrangement – friends of Bishop Allen from indie rock Mecca B, Austin, TX. We have never heard them. We firmly believe that surprises are good. Although we’ve had to qualify that statement since the time we stuck our curious heads down into a badger warren and got a lifetime worth of amateur dental work done against our strongest, most vehemently voiced wishes. The Arrangement, we’re quite sure, will not be that kind of surprise.

Eugene Mirman – We can’t really overstate our excitement at having this major personality at our show. Go to Eugene’s website to see why we no longer consider our website funny; instead we now try to think of it as “wannabe” funny. The ‘Gun’ video is among the all time funniest things of all time. Eugene will be doing some stand-up; we’ll be the guys laughing our very asses off.

Becky Yamamoto – Becky’s mom says the Becky’s comedy is pretty good for a beginner. Becky’s dad says she should just get a job. Michael says that Becky’s one-woman show Heartbreak High is fucking brilliant, for one thing. So who are you gonna believe?

Tim & Eric – These guys pump out the humorous short films you’ve been asking about.

The Perpetual Life of Jim Albers – this is a 15 min. short film by Matt Goldman that was shown at SUNDANCE!!, maybe you’ve heard of it. SUNDANCE!!! for chrissakes. They liked it there.

DJ BASE & DJ Aaron Shinn – Hot DJ action. They will serve up selected cuts ranging from the classics to the new: Mr. Rogers records, The Sound of Music Movie Soundtrack, The Who, Star Trek Sound Effects, Dego, Aphex Twin, Love Thy God and Neighbor, Led Zepplin, The Beatles, Braniac, Golden Shower, EDMX, Cylob, Kraftwerk, Adult, Madonna, Prefuse 73, Mr. Oizo, Radiohead, Rod Stewart, Telex, Squarepusher and many others. You’ll be able to digest all of these one at a time or all at once.

In addition there will be cool-ass paintings by Paul Hrusa on the walls, fabulously cheap and cold beer at the bar, a lovely garden in which to paradoxically both smoke and chill, and, of course…
A FULL SET BY WE AREMOTHERFUCKINGSCIENTISTS!!!!!

Friday at 8. You’ve been waiting all your life for this, seems like.

The Pup Responds to Some of Your Most Pressing Queries

Q. Dear Pup,

Every time that it�s time for dinner, I rush into the dining room with everybody else and begin pigging out. With the boys and the girl at my side, I stuff myself as quickly as possible with chicken, beans, rolls, delicious butter, and sometimes salad to make the hunger in my belly go away. I try to put everything I see inside me. Then I am always slapped in the face and thrown out on the porch and have to sleep outside on the wooden porch with the nail-heads sticking up it seems like an inch into my ribs. Sometimes I go sleep on the grass, but there are bugs. I have never seen the boys or the girl on the porch, even though they eat the food off the table.

— Confused (Colly) in Cleveland

A. Dear Confused:

No matter how frequently I hear these stories of blatant prejudice, I can�t get used to them. Let me just say first, Confused, that you are almost certainly not imagining the bigoted treatment you describe � it�s common, it�s accepted, and it�s not going away. And you�re right to be uncomfortable. Even though you can run twice as fast, jump twice as high, and are twice as good at surprising cats as the other members of your family, you are given worse access to food and worse spots to sleep. Unfortunately, sympathy is about all I can offer you; changing these attitudes will take generations. If you wish to sleep inside and avoid the hurtful slappings, wait for your share of the food to be given to you after the family has finished eating.

Q. Pup,

I have a curious habit: I crap on the floor in various hidden spots around the house. Under tables, in closets, in sleeping bags, in drawers, atop cabinets and on the roof are some of the places I have let the crap fall. I�ve been known to crap in the yard, too, don�t get me wrong; but for the most part I crap in or on the house. Why do I do it? I�ve asked myself that many times. The answer, I think, is that it calms me. My family is very wealthy and employs a house-keeper who cleans up after me; consequently, they have yet to object to my particular disposition. And yet I feel that what I do is somehow�dirty.

— Ashamed in L.A.

A. Dear Ashamed,

If it makes you happy and your family doesn�t seem to mind, I say continue apace. Perhaps your guilt comes from concerns for the house-keeper, in which case try limiting the range of your pooping with an eye toward her convenience: poop only in her bedroom and bathroom area. This way she can slip out of bed in the morning, attend to your tailings, and return to sleep in the time it might previously have taken her to get the ladder out of the garage.

Q. Mr. Pup,

I am crazy for humping, simply crazy for it. �Enough� isn�t a word that can be applied to how much humping I can get in a day of putting all my energies into it. I hump: car tires, people�s legs, the driveway, bushes and trees, carrots, my food bowl, babies, planet earth. At my age (1), this is considered natural and acceptable and, har har, it will all pass and she�ll settle down someday and raise a family. That�s right: she. You see, the problem is that while it�s taken as a given that males my age will be hump-crazy, females are supposed to be reserved, polite. But I don�t feel reserved, Pup!! I don�t feel polite!! I must hump everything! So people call me a slut. What can I do?

— Bemused Birmingham Bitch


A. Dear B.,

Ahem. I think it best that we meet in person so that I can gain a better understanding of your problem � experience it first hand, if you will. I�ll take the liberty of stopping by the address noted on your envelope at my earliest convenience, and we shall try to find some way of sating this erosive desire of yours.

Long have I dreamt of this day.

ALARMING DISCOVERIES: People Are Crueler Than You Can Possibly Imagine

If you are like most Americans (and ALL members of the W.A.S. community), you are easily and thoroughly offended by vulgarity. Cuss words, it’s fair to say, incense you; when you hear them, your cheeks flush, you involuntarily begin flapping your arms in an understated manner, and you indignantly excuse yourself from the conversation.

We know, we understand, we agree. We’re with you 100%.

That’s why when we discovered that people everywhere — in your office, at your health club, in your home — have been surreptitiously lacing their conversation with obscenities, we knew we had to tell you, and fast.

So yeah, wow, can you believe the nerve of this? People have been sneaking filthy language into everday phrases that they use with you in everyday conversation. They’ve been doing this every day.

Don’t worry, though: W.A.S. is very much to the rescue. We’ve made note of several phrases that folks — hardy, everyday folks — have been corrupting in awful ways in order to clandestinely ship their naughty filth past the various border-checks of your mind. Steel yourself, push past the terrible discomfort, and read these dirty nuggets so that from now on you’ll know when to cover your ears and go “BLAH BLAH YADDA BLAH DA”[sic].

“John, look, inASSmuch as I’ve got the time, I’d like to help, but…” [alt: “inasmuch ASS”]

“This dog? A SHITzu, I think.”

“Okay, now turn the stopCOCK, or you’ll spill all the…”

“FantASStic. That sounds FantASStic.”

“…um, detroit is in miCHICKEN, I think.”

“You can not ASSuage my anxiety with vague promises of a quick death.”

“On that occasion, we put four sails to the wind and DID YOUR MOM, DID HER RIGHT IN THE BUTT.”

“A stuntman? If Jim is a stuntman, I’m Abraham FUCKing Lincoln.”

“This crime scene smells disturbingly like your shit, Detective. I can barely breathe in here… the air is stEIFFELing…”

Somehow, Typing These Phrases Into Google Led People to Our Website

(and although we’re not complaining, we’re now quite worried that something out there has gone horribly, horribly wrong, and you people simply don’t know how to use your intranet):

“the uneducated vote”

“NBC’s friends filming location”.

“to suppress lovemaking.”

“nighties for men and women”

“why does milk have two expiration dates?”

“smallest living mammal”

“scientist with a mullet”

“margaret thatcher’s bio”

“why you should not let age be the determining factor in anything you do”

“excuse me video” [twice]

“disturbing quotes”

“die on your lips”

“fucking good shows”

– okay, that last one does make perfect sense.

A Treasure Trove of Pickup Lines (Part 3)

It has come, the time when the final two sections of The List are published by us. Without any ado whatsoever, then, we give you 40 more pickup lines and our resident Sexpert�s knee-jerk reactions to each. (Don�t even think about reading these without first doing your homework: Part 1, Part 2)

Section IV: Kinky Lines

1. Excuse me, miss, can I have the number to your ass so I can make a booty call?
That is fucking awesome. This one would even work if you simply said, “Excuse me, miss, can I have the number to your ass” Absolutely unstoppable.

2. I know the letters f,c,k,i,n, and g. All I need now is you.
A prototype version of this one went: “Baby, you put the ‘u’ in ‘fucking’.”

3. Girl, if I die, I want to come back as your jeans so I can be on your butt tight and wear your ass out.
“and hold onto your wallet for ya”, girl, cuz I’m good like that.�

4. Girl, I wish I were both of your lips so I can get licked.
“Girl, I wish I were both of your lips so’s I can get licked on da balls, girl! You know what I’m sayin”

5. Excuse me, miss, are you cold?
Response: No, why?
Answer: You should be, you’ve been naked in my mind all night.

Fuckin-A! Another impressive variation on the knock-knock structure!

6. Can I take you out to eat, or do you want me to eat you out?
The great thing about this line is that she�s going to choose one, so either way you win.

7. Do you remember the beer commercial where the guy said, “this Buds for you!”
Response: Yes, why?
Answer: See this bulge in my pants? This bulge’s for You!

Grand. Again with the punctuation. Why the ! at the end of the first question? Are you supposed to shout it? I guess that gets her all excited, just hearing how excited you are about that Bud commercial.

8. Girl, my juice is like an M&M, it melts in your mouth and not in your hands.
Very nice. Not too forward, yet not too wimpy. This is a classy line. I picture Connery’s 007 using this line.

9. Excuse me, miss, I had a wet dream about you last night. Could you help me clean it up?
Another well calibrated masterpiece.

10. Excuse me, miss, I’m taking a survey. Do you spit or swallow.
She’s almost certain to respond: “Allow me to show you, funny man.”

11. Girl, my penis is like a candle on a birthday cake. All you have to do is blow.
Finally. Someone willing to be honest. The ladies love that. His penis is like a candle on a birthday cake.

12. Excuse me, miss, do you sleep on your stomach?
Response: No.
Answer: Can I?

BOOM. Bring in the big guns. I’d fall for this one. I’m all yours, mister.

13. I love that dress, but you know what would really look good on you?
Response: What?
Answer: Me.

Ker-splat. Lame. “I love that dress, but do you know who it would really look good on? Me.”

14. Excuse me, miss, I’m taking a survey. Do you breast-feed?
Response: No.
Answer: Well, would you like me to help you start?

“by impregnating you so’s you’ll start lactatin’ and den when da baby comes you can, like, breast feed it an shit”

“b>15. I wish I was your wash cloth, so I could be all over your body.
�I wish I was your washcloth so I could be all over your body like a washcloth all over the body of a person taking a shower with that selfsame washcloth.”

16. Chocolate ice cream is my favorite flavor. Do you mind if I lick you’re two scoops?
ZAP! Response: Actually, these aren’t made of ice cream.

17. Girl, I love how you have that lollipop in your mouth. Can I take its place?
“You know what I love about you, girl? It’s not your smile or the way you quote freely from Goonies, it’s how you always seem to have that lollipop in your mouth. Always, always, always. Love it, girl. What flavor is that shit anyway? Root beer or somethin”

18. Excuse me, miss, is that dress felt?
Response: No.
Answer: Would you like it to be?

“Excuse me, miss, are you, like, totally fucked right now? No? Would you like to be”

19. Oh baby! I got my saddle and I would love to ride you like a horse riding into the sunset.
“Just as a horse rides himself into the sunset, so would I like to ride you, miss. And yes, I brought a saddle.”

20. Girl, you’re so fine, I’d suck a fart out of your ass.
It has been scientifically proven that no woman can resist the intriguing possibilities that this line presents.

Section V: Lines Women Wish Men Would Use

1. I wish I was one of your tears so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
“I wish I was one of your tears so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die amongst your tittays” works so much better.

2. Your walk, your talk, and the beauty of your smile all combined is like a symphony of loveliness.
“Your walk, your talk, your penchant for rigged bets, all these things is one big symphony of specialness that complements yo’ tittays ever so nicely.”

3. There is only one thing more beautiful than the sun on a cloudy day, and that is you.
“There is only one thing more blinding than staring right at the sun, and that’s ya’ booty, girl.”

4. Your physical beauty is only surpassed by your exquisite personality.
“Your physiological shortcomings are only offset by your exquisite taste in Snapple.”

5. I didn’t believe in love at first sight until I saw you.
Gag.

6. Just show me the way to your heart, body, and soul, and I’ll follow with no exceptions.
“Show me the way to your heart, body, and mind and I will follow with just one exception: I will not follow.”

7. Excuse me; miss, but I must tell you that your beauty is unfair to all the other women in the world.
“Your beauty is unfair, and so I shall have to mangle you. Out of fairness, you see.”

8. Girl, all I want to do is fill you with the treasure of love and treat you like the true queen that you are.
“Girl, I ask only that you allow me to fill you with the scepter of my love, as is your due given your queenly station.”

9. You’re a beautiful woman trapped in a more beautiful woman’s body.
“with the left hand of a still beautifuller woman and the hat of my mother, the most beautiful and sexually enticing woman there ever was.”

10. If you were a tear in my eye, I would never cry for fear of losing you.
And if you were shit on my ass�

11. I don’t know what your first name is, but I bet your last name is Heaven.
“I bet your first name is Angel-From, girl! You know what I’m sayin? Angel-from!!”

12. Give me your love and Ill give you everything your heart desires.
“I’ll give you everything your heart desires, not to exceed the value of the coins in my left pocket.”

13. You have the face I would like to wake up to every morning.
Snore. “I’d like for you to wake up on my face every morning.”

14. You’ve just been nominated for the most beautiful woman in the world, next to my mother.
Right next to my mother, baby!!! You and my mother, two beautiful, sexually primed young ladies whom I’m just a’dying to fuck!!

15. I would say God bless you, but he already did.
-Did you just sneeze?
-No.
-Well, I would say god bless you, but you didn’t sneeze.

16. Hello, sweetheart. Before we go any further, I don�t want anything from you. I just want to give you my heart..
Before we go any further with this thing, with this lovely relationship of ours that seems to be really taking on a life all its own, let me just say that I want nothing from you — [staring deeply into the eyes] — except to give you my heart, girl!!! Ha ha!! Hooray!!!

17. I would like to get more acquainted with you if you would allow me the pleasure of your presence.
What the fuck? What a totally sober come on. This one thrilled the ladies of Victorian England.

18. Hello, beautiful. If you don�t have a boyfriend at this present time, may I please have the honor and talk to you for a minute.
“Hello, most beautiful of lady-women. If you don’t have a male companion of frequency at this, the current time, then may I please please have the honor, fortuity, and fortitude to talk with my mouth, tongue, and larynx to you for, oh, say, sixty or thereabouts seconds”

19. I don�t want anything from you, just your friendship.
“I tell you I want nothing from you. Nothing. Well, friendship maybe. I’d take friendship if it were offered. Oh, and this, this bracelet — that would be nice. And those shoes. Are you using those shoes”

20. I’d rather have you than a million dollars.
Or, if it’s a really hot chick and you really want to get her: “I’d rather have you than two and a half million dollars.”

A Treasure Trove of Pickup Lines (Part 2)

And now, the third quintile of Creative Minds, Inc.’s 100 Best Pickup Lines, critiqued, annotated, discussed in a scientific and methodological way by Sam DiClaremont, WAS’s in-house Sexpert. (You have no business reading this unless you’ve already read Part 1.)
Section III: Joke Lines

1. Is that your ass or does your back have the mumps?
What the fuck does that mean?

2. Damn, girl, are those your breasts, or do you have two midgets under your shirt?
“Are those your breasts, or do you have two cats curled up on your chest, girl?!”

3. Girl, your ass is so big, when you walk, it looks like your ankles are going to break.
Is this really a pick-up line? Isn’t it maybe just a straight insult?

4. Baby, you must be tired, because you�ve been running naked through my mind all day.
“Although I’m quite tired, too, cuz I’ve been chasing after you the whole time, and I’ve been carrying a chainsaw.”

5. Excuse me, miss, are you here alone, or is the huge guy coming this way your brother?
Huh? I�m pretty sure Creative Minds, Inc., did come up with this one on their own.

6. Can the three of us get together this weekend?
Response: The three of who?
Answer: You, my penis, and me!

“Why, you and me, girl, that’s two, and uh� well—oh, and my penis, girl! Don�t forget my penis! That’s three!”

7. Excuse me, miss, you dropped something.
Response: What?
Answer: Our conversation. Let’s pick it up from here.

I imagine this is the way a CIA operative approaches someone on a college campus to recruit him/her for the agency or something. Delivered really menacingly. “Our conversation. Let’s pick it up from here. Don’t bother turning around or trying to run. You’ll be gunned down before those cats on your chest can say ‘meow’. You work for us now.”

8. You know, I’ve been watching you not watching me.
“and it’s pissing me off.”

9. Excuse me, is your last name Campbell, because you look “um, um, good”.
You mean mm, mmm, good? “You look um that is you, uh um��

10. Hi, my name is _____. Don’t forget it, because you’ll be screaming it later tonight.
Another serial killer line. This is just incredibly intimidating. There’s nothing romantic about it. “Screaming later tonight’ sounds like it should be accented by the ring of a steel blade being pulled from its sheath.

11. Excuse me, miss, are you too tall for a short conversation?
“Excuse me miss, are you too smart to be fooled by bullshit”

12. Girl, your jeans are too loose, do you need me to fill them in for you.
“Allow me to buy you a chili-dog, girl! And a sheet cake or two!!”

13. Excuse me, miss, would you like to go with me to the movies? I have a great video at home.
Could you repeat that please, because I have no idea what you’re asking me. Are those two separate things you’re talking about? Or maybe at home you have a great video which explains how to go to the movies? Like a “how to” video?

14. Excuse me, miss, you dropped this back there.
Response: Back where?
Answer: My bedroom.

So, this one requires a prop, I guess. You have to decide what you’re going to claim was left back in your bedroom. I think the classy thing would be to hold up a nice cocktail or something, but maybe for verisimilitude an old bra or a hairnet or a condom wrapper would work better.

15. Girl, you look exactly like my second wife, and I married only once.
So� who do I look like then? Confusing. I think the best pick-up lines are really less clever and more an emotive suggestion. “BAM, baby!! WHATANASS!! Yahaaa!” That’s my kind of line.

16. Baby, the way I make love is like a drug: one dose of me and you’re hooked.
Don’t cats have little barbs on their penises? at least male cats? Is that what this is referring to?

17. Excuse me, miss, but is your husband married?
I don’t think this sounds like a pick-up line. More like a logic game or something. A real turn-off.

18. Girl, you look good and I look good, so why don’t we get together and see if it feels good!
Nice. and see if it feeeeeeeeeeels good, baby!

19. Girl, give me your number or I’ll kill myself.
Jesus christ. Suicidal desperation: I like it. It’s just crazy enough to work.

20. Excuse me, are those Bugle boy jeans you’re wearing?
“Excuse me, I like the Sprite in you.” The fellas over at Creative Minds, Inc., were laughing almost too hard to type when they wrote this one. “Bugle Boy jeans!!! Ho ho!! Like in the commercial!!”