Category Archives: Features

The Ham Canner

Let me just ask you this: have you ever seen a man can a ham as rapidly and accurately as him? And as gracefully? It’s unlikely: he’s the world record holder for a reason. You– You’re telling me you’ve never heard of him? Je-je-je-JESUS!! Crank the volume on your walkie-talkie and prepare to have your picture of reality re-painted.

I remember the first day I became aware of his incredible talent: it was the first day of the rest of my life. I don’t just mean that semantically. I was strolling down the production line on a Monday a.m., hoping to catch an assembler fucking up in some terrible way — one doesn�t advance in my line of work by reporting that everyone is doing just fine — and maybe earn myself a warm glance from Greg for crucifying the inept dope in Thursday’s ISO assessment, when I caught quite the opposite: one of the canners canning at what seemed even to the naked eye to be a very high rate. I ran to my office and got the big stop clock and rolled it out to the line. Go, I said, and I timed him: 3.5 hams per minute. On average. During one 63 second stretch he canned 4 hams. Is this getting through to you? What I had on my hands was a man who could potentially break the record.

Now the deal was this: he was running at around 3.5 hams that first day I timed him, but it turned out that, as my observation over the next week would show, he was actually moving between a 3.3 and a 3.5 average. The cause of fluctuation? Impossible to know. Could’ve been what he ate for dinner the night before; could�ve been what didn’t eat for dinner the night before — there were just too many variables to even attempt to trace them. But even at 3.3, this guy was within half a point of the record, and — I can still hardly believe this as I write it now — he had only begun canning for us the week before. And he had no previous experience. With canning.

So I took it upon myself to train him. Was it entirely selfless of me to do so? Of course not, I had the world to gain. But in the end it was about him, because he was the source of all of it, and when you looked at him, when you watched him can those fucking things� You just, you weren�t thinking about you, I can safely say that. Anyway, I trained him. I had him stuffing everything into everything, then stuffing that — the stuffed thing — into something else: blankets were stuffed into ziplocs; books into banana peels; potatoes into silly-putty eggs; plugs into outlets; casseroles into ovens; cars into carports� There was no end to what I had him stuff and the thing that I had him stuff that first thing toward and then into. No end. But after what seemed like and was several consecutive two-hour periods of training, he was ready.

We went down to the line. I wheeled in the stop-clock. A camcorder was set up so that verification could later be made by the appropriate committees. The first attempt started well: he was a blur of motion. It was ham-thwop, ham-thwop, ham-thwop — like some sort of precision machine. But when the smoke cleared, there were just two hams canned and an indistinguishable number bulging inside his clothing. No joke, he had stuffed ten, maybe a dozen hams into his outfit. I recognized this as him warming up, getting the blood flowing. Kink ironing. His walleyed stare straight ahead as we unpacked his jumper confirmed for me that he was sorting out his mental game. Well, for attempt two, the planets clicked into alignment. When the clock stopped, we had before us six canned hams! Exclamations of You’re fucking kidding! and You�ve got to be fucking kidding me! were silently mouthed by the stunned dozens who had assembled to witness history first hand. I think I said something to the effect of That’s impossible! I’m seeing it, but it’s impossible! Lord it was a heady moment in everyone there’s workday. Hell, workweek.

This Happens More Often Than You Think

Charles was dimly aware of being awake. He felt the pleasant weight of his body on the grass. The warm dry breeze came in between his shirt buttons and tickled his chest. He could faintly smell the fire from camp and something cooking. Rosemary and smoke. His eyelids flickered gently and began to open, then popped. He thought, “Holy fucking shit that’s a lion.”

Good things to stay if you want to sound like a little kid:

“Nice work, disgusticon.”

“Hey, humpstick! Nice work.”

“Hey, look, it’s Vinnie the Vagina. How’s it goin, Vinnie the Vagina? How’s your vagina?”

“Hey, look, it’s Crappy Andy. What’s up, Crappy Andy? Feeling crappy?”

“Hey, look, it’s Tom the Mom.”

“Hey, look, it’s Mangela. Feeling manly, Mangela?”

“My dad said that’s not true. My dad said Columbus was an American.”

Good things to say if you want to sound like a little kid in a Hollywood movie:


“I am an eleven year old kid, and here I am lecturing you on how to safely disarm a mine. I should be home in my jammies right now!”

“Mom, I miss dad. Who was that lady he was with today at the store? Is he ever coming back to live with us? Can we get a dog, mom? I’m going to name him Dad.”

“Actually, according to the internet you should press that green button, crank the ‘Tread Release’ lever over there, and then engage the ignition. If my mom knew what I was doing right now, she’d kill me!”

“I think I’m drunk. I can’t believe dad likes this stuff. Sometimes I miss dad. Hopefully he’ll come back and finish this stuff so I don’t have to. Say, what’s that you’ve got? Hey, it’s dad’s old bull whip. He showed me how to use it once. Stand over there.”

Pilot

Hey, everybody! W.A.S. shot a pilot that we’re going to be pitching to the networks soon, but we’d be remiss if we didn’t give you first look. We worked on this basically ALL last weekend, and it’s . . . well, it’s fucking ready:

The Parrot Between Us

An Attempt by We Are Scientists to Get Themselves Put Onto Some Kind of Dept. of Homeland Security Watchlist or Something

Hello dissident friends, and welcome. Do you have NEGATIVE FEELINGS ABOUT OUR GOVERNMENT? Feelings that have been particularly acute ever since that MUD-ASS GEORGE BUSH got elected? Feelings that you would like to purge through VIOLENT TERRORISTICAL ACTION AGAINST OUR GOVERNMENT AND THAT MUD-ASS? You’ve come to the right place. Here is HOW TO BUILD A BOMB:

(1) Get a pipe and some tape.
(2) Tape up the pipe, starting at one end and proceeding toward the center, past the center, all the way to the other end. Do this until you have what is essentially a ‘tape pipe’.
(3) Roll this over to the wall and stand it up against the wall.
(4) Push it up the wall and hold it against the wall with your left hand. Hold it up their against the wall.

A word to the wise: don’t USE THIS BOMB unless you are seriously committed to a COURSE OF ACTION with grave, irreversible repercussions. We aren’t offering the information on this website to sadistic thrill-seekers; we’re offering it to thoughtful, politically-minded rebels with a cause. Here’s HOW TO NEUTRALIZE A POLICEMAN WEARING RIOT GEAR:

(1) Get a decoy, such as a very fast cat or rabbit, and release it.
(2) Scrub the sink, toilet and bathtub.

We can not emphasize enough that THIS INFORMATION IS FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE COME TO THE END OF THEIR ROPES, who have HAD IT WITH GOVERNMENT TYRANNY and SEX-ED PROGRAMS. Here is how to watch a solar eclipse:

(1) This is not safe.
(2) Anyone who tells you otherwise is not your friend. Black cardboard with a pinhole punched through it? Come on. You think the sun’s killing force can’t get through a pinhole? It’s LIGHT, for chrissakes, the killing force is LIGHT — it can get through a thick sweater.

EXTREME ACTION and EXTREME SOLUTIONS are the only appropriate reactions to the oppression of a people by a tyrranical power. This we all know. But did you know how to ATTACK a math problem:

(1) Determine whether the problem is plus, minus, or times.
(2) In the case of a plussing problem, find the two numbers.
(3) Using the two numbers, get that many oranges. (So, if the numbers are 1027 and 325, get a pile of 1027 oranges and a pile of 325 oranges.)
(4) Take the two quantities of oranges and make one big quantity (pile).
(5) Count how many oranges are in this big pile. That is the answer.
(6) In the case of a times problem, find the two numbers.
(7) Let’s say the numbers are once again 1027 and 325. Get one thousand twenty-seven piles of oranges, with three hundred twenty-five oranges in each pile.
(8) Put all of the piles into one big pile.
(9) Count how many oranges are in this mega-pile.
(10) That is your answer to the times problem.
(11) In the case of a minus problem, let’s say the two numbers are again 1027 and 325.
(12) Begin the same way you did with the plus problem, by making one pile of 325 oranges and one pile of 1027 oranges.
(13) Pick up one orange from each pile and roll them both across the room.
(14) Do it again.
(15) Do it until one of the piles is gone.
(16) Count how many oranges are now in the remaining pile. That is the anwer. We’re going to bring down the U.S. Government.