Category Archives: Advice

Jay, God, Meg, Sarah, Don't You Know Who I'm Not?, PWINKy, Chantelle, Little Timmy, Shin, Girls 4 President, Shelly Fucking Murder

name: Jay
query: I want to fake a fever.. o any other illness.. i heard that sleeping with onions under ur armpits will make u sweat and will look like u have a fever.. is it right? any sugestions
Jay,
To be honest we’re not completely sure what effect sleeping with onions under your armpits will have, because, weirdly, we’ve never slept with them in the armpit area. If it’s anything like sleeping with cole slaw under your armpits, though, trust us when we say it’s not worth the trouble. No, there are easier ways to fake illness, methods that will just as effectively get you out of attending the next congressional voting session (how did we know? call it a hunch).
One old but effective approach is to say your leg is gangrenous. It’s just exotic enough to make verification difficult (most people don’t really know what gangrene looks like), and when you roll into the office with the “problem” leg amputated mid-thigh, suspicion will melt away.
Along similar lines there’s the classic fake cough, which involves coughing a lot, but not because any illness is actually making your throat scratchy — rather, you’re deliberately coughing to make people think your throat is scratchy. It works great.
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name: god
query: I am my own god, i’am my dogs gog i think, ask him, his name is Boo Boo could i be your god too?
God,
Oh, God, you funny, funny God. You keep asking us this question at night, your deep, reverby, almost robotic voice echoing off the canyon walls of our dreams. And we keep hedging, telling you we’re not sure about any of this, and so now you’ve gone and written to us on our Advice page — cornered us, essentially — because now we really do have to answer you.
So here’s the thing. We’d rather not have you as our god, but are willing to accept you as our gog, as Boo Boo has (we asked and he confirmed this). If that’s cool. Really, we’re not looking to piss you off — the last thing we need is for our brakes to fail as we’re descending some mountain road, or for an ibis to have a heart attack mid-flight and fall hundreds of feet and skewer one of our eyes with his bill. But it’s our sense that having you as our gog will be a more laid back arrangement than the alternative. Our impression is that having you as our gog will involve your teaching us to catch frisbees in our mouths, which is something we’ve been sucking at teaching ourselves. It’s very hard to do. Looks easy — Boo Boo makes it look REALLY easy — but it really couldn’t be any harder.
Do we have a deal?
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name: meg
query: How can I convince my parents to let me see my boyfriend all the time? because I only get to see once every weekend!! and they make me super mad if I don’t get to see him.
Meg,
You should be thankful. Seeing someone only once a week keeps things fresh. If your parents let you see your boyfriend every day — and I think they know this — you and your boyfriend would be looking at each other as the most boring fucking people on or just below the face of the earth.You would loathe the tedium, the sapping fatigue, that would have come to characterize time spent with each other. You would think of your boyfriend as a lead suit that you had to wear, a lead suit that made almost everything you did more difficult, more tiring. He would think of you as a straightjacket that smelled like Pine-Sol.
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name: sarah
query: how do i let my mom to let me get my belly button pierced?
Get it done on her birthday. Tell her it’s your gift to her. What can she say? All she can do is show you a tight-lipped smile as her organs cook in a boiling broth.
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name: don’t you know who i’m not?
query: what’s your opinion on the fishbowl lives of the olsen twins?
We could talk all day about the Olsen twins — several times a week we do just that — but all the theories, all the enthusiastic speculation, amounts to one question: Is there really just one of them? And she dresses in two different distinct ways and uses two names and pretends to be her own twin? And every time you see a picture of them together it’s airbrush chicanery? And when they appear on television debriefing Barbara Walters or Katie Couric that’s actually done through the high-tech intervention of aliens?
Okay but forget about that. Here’s another question that’s been fevering our very minds and fueling many a late-night gab sesh: Have MK and Ashley ever had sex? Not that we think they’re lesbians, but do you think they’ve ever fucked each other just to do it? Just to be able to say they did it? Just to see what it would be like to essentially make hot athletic sweat-slicked love to yourself? We’re guessing they probably have. If you think about it for five seconds, you realize they must have. They must have had sex with each other.
Another one of our opinions on this issue is that it’s really unfair that people are always gossiping about MK and Ashley, as though their private lives are fair territory for public speculation. Stop it, people! Leave these girls alone! Get a life! Stop spending so much time on the phone or the internet spinning crazy theories about these two excellent entertainers! Or one entertainer pretending to be two!
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name: PWINKy
query: Dear Master of Scientific Awesome:
According to you, I am dead. What should I do?
-PWINKy in the A-T-L

Test your powers. If you are dead, you’ll have a new relationship with the physical world. We’re not sure what that relationship will entail, but it’s bound to contrast sharply with what being alive accustomed you to. For one thing, you almost certainly can’t be hurt. Try chopping off your hand. Nothing, right? Okay, now smash a mason jar and chew up the shards. Not too bad, eh? Try going to this website. If you don’t feel compelled to flee almost instantly, compelled by pangs of agony, then you’re unquestionably dead. As to what you should do, well, enjoy it! Take advantage! Explore the benefits! Watch Beetlejuice for inspiration! Find a girl you really love, one who makes you smile every time you think about her, and haunt her for the rest of your days!
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name: chantelle
query: how can i get my mum to get me a dog
Tell her you feel like you’ve been going blind lately and that you need a seeing-eye dog. Or! Or, tell her you want to find out which of your friends are on the weed and you need a drug dog to help sniff them out. Or tell her you’re so lonely that if she doesn’t get you a dog your only recourse will be to let your American History teacher touch you but not just through the clothes as has been the dominant paradigm thus far this school year.
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name: LITTLE TIMMY
query: Should i have a turkey or peanutbutter and jelly sandwich?
You shall have neither, for you possess neither turkey nor peanut butter nor jelly nor bread. If you’re going to have a sandwich, you’ll have to settle for some lint sandwiched between two mouse turds.
Respectfully,
W.A.S.
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name: Shin
query: i though this section was advice from US to the band BOO…oh well wants some anyway?
“when pruning leaves, always were gloves”

No, this isn’t advice from you to us; we have nothing to learn from you. Do we want some advice anyway? Sure. Pruning leaves… gloves… right, got it. There’s just one problem: we don’t prune leaves. On our estate, which is vast and home to entire species of trees, we employ two foreign men to care for each tree — two foreign men per tree, in total hundreds of thousands of men from other countries. We’ll be happy to pass along your insight to our army of foreign pruners, but there’s just one problem: those guys, the foreign gentlemen, don’t even prune the leaves — not by hand anyway. No, they are all given expensive, sophisticated pruning droids which they operate by remote control as they sit poolside and slurp vibrantly colored tropical cocktails, as tasty as they are expensive, which is to say terrifically so.
So thanks for trying to help, Shin, but as you can see we’re doing JUST FINE on our own, and now we need to resume assisting the poor bastards who write in to this site, bastards whose only hope in the miserable sub-basement of life which they inhabit happens to be us, the we are scientists.
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name: Girls 4 President
query: Dear W.A.S.,
All this quarter I have been taking Biology 131 as required as part of my fine art degree. Problem is my professor could quite possibly be the worst teacher in the history of biological studies. Although my professor is very knowledgeable in his area of study, he is very bad at teaching what he knows to others. Most days I think skewering my eyeballs with my pencil would be less painful then haivng to sit in that class listening to him drone on for an hour (2 on Thursdays) in a class I am more than likely going to fail. Do you think I should stick the class out for the rest of the quarter and risk a massive drop in my GPA and my dream to go to the NYU School of Figuritive Art in the pursuit of vast scientific knowledge or drop the class now and waste the hours I’ve spent in that class?

G4P,
Sounds like you’re forgetting one very important thing: Learning is fun! No, just kidding, that sounds like a shitty situation. So if you have to take Biology 131 to get your fine art degree, doesn’t that mean if you drop this course you’ll just have to take it again? Is there a different section taught by a different teacher you’re eyeing? If so, that’s not a bad way to go. Otherwise, if the NYU School of Figurative Art is your dream, then you’ve got to make it happen for yourself, girl! You’ve got to study the living shit out of that Bio material and ace the final! Cue the all-nighter montage! The music? Jimmy Eat World’s ‘The Middle’! Here’s a shot of you scrutinizing a life-size cross-sectional chart of the human body! Now here’s a shot of you sitting at a study table in the library, half a dozen books open in front of you, scribbling notes as another student in the background packs up his stuff, yawns, and heads home! And now a shot of you in bed with your boyfriend! We see the two of you share a shivering simultaneous orgasm after which, heaving breaths, your b.f. looks at you with amazement, as if to say, “Where did that come from?!” You point to the night stand, where your Bio textbook lies open to a profile schematic of the male human pelvis! Next is the shot of you taking the test! We see two or three time lapses — each time fewer and fewer students remain at their desks! Finally time is called and you hand the essay book to your teacher, who kind of smirks at you derisively! And now here’s the payoff shot of everybody huddled around the sheet of scores posted on the door right outside Professor Scumbottom’s office! Your name is at the top of the list! Above the names of all the science nerds who are now eyeing you with wonder and respect! Then as an epilogue shot we see you walk into a building in Manhattan! Above the doors it says “Baruch School of Figurative Art”! It’s no NYU, but it’s still pretty good! You’re smiling and holding hands with this hunky multi-pierced art guy who is definitely not the guy you were in bed with before! You’ve moved on and found extreme happiness, even though stuff didn’t unfold exactly as you had envisioned it!
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name: shelly fucking murder
query: i cam across your website, idk what the hee it is, but i want a lip pircing :( but my mom wont let me, how can i get her to let me!? i want to shoot someone. 😀
And thank god you did come across our website, because have we got a plan for you. You should tell your mom that you agree with her, that lip piercings are gay and that you would never in a million years get one now that you’ve realized this. Then go get a lip piercing. She’ll be so confused and weirded out by your adolescent flippancy that she won’t really know how to deal. She’ll probably just tell you it looks nice.

Four Eyes, Jessica, Bill, Ian, Carrie,

name: Four Eyes
query: My question: Why don’t guys make passes at girls who wear glasses? I developed the hypothesis: Guys will not make passes at girls who wear glasses. Through loosely controlled self-experimentation, I believe I have indeed proved this to be significantly correct (dates = > .01). However, I have yet to determine a cause. Can you help?
4i[pl.],
Yeah seriously, what’s the deal with that? Well we’ll tell you: it’s genetic purity those guys are concerned about. It may sometimes seem that guys think of sex as somehow related to pleasure, but they don’t. When guys have sex, it’s because they want children. We’re not talking about some subconscious biologically-embedded desire to procreate; that’s more what happens with girls. Fact: dudes love babies and little kids. Fact: you can’t get kids without a little sex, and dude’s have resigned themselves to this. Fact: dudes are therefore committed to having sex. And of course guys don’t want their babies not being able to see for shit.
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name: Jessica
query: I am only 13, and I’m not a virgin. Is that bad? Should I lie to my friends and say that i am a virgin? Almost everyone in my grade thinks I’m not a virgin. What can I say to them?
Jessica,
Hey, uh… do you have a boyfriend?
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name: bill
query: the chick i was dating got off with a guy i know in front of me on new years eve. I’ve told her to go away, She says she wants to contact me in the future what should i do
Change your phone number, your email address and physical address, your hair style and color, your daily schedule, the way you dress and how you talk, etc. This makes you more difficult to reach. Step 2: call her “a diseased whore whom [you] detest” and really let the loathing drip like foam from the mouth of a rabid dog. Use that as your response to anything she says, to you but also to anyone else if you happen to be in earshot. This makes it more difficult for her to want to reach you.
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name: ian
query: How many scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes all three of us to make the music that earns the money that pays for the butler who tells Mason, our full-time light bulb changer, to change the light bulbs when they die.
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name: Carrie
query: Dear Scientists,
My friends grandmother recently used the phrase “shopping uptown for downtown business” in reference to what’s commonly known in these here parts as “making out.” Could you enlighten me as to why more people don’t use this far superior phrase?

Because it features a metaphor, and like whiny children balking at their vegetables, people shrink from metaphors. Another example of that is us trying with little success to popularize this wonderful euphemism for full-on, all-out, major league fuckin: “Doin’ it downtown, and sometimes from behind, with fervor, meerkat-style.” People don’t like it. Why? Because it’s too much work for them to process the metaphor. Cattle!

Bubba Da Cat, Claire Lynn, Tim, Carrie, Dresden, Vicky, Steph, Patrick McKernan

name: Bubba Da Cat
query: I’ve been without a womanly companion for many months now. I’m 19 and I’m going to go back to school soon, but I’d love some tips from you guys on how to “woo” the women. Any help is appreciated.
From me to you,
Bubba Da Cat

Bubba D.C.,
The most important thing for attracting women is saying the right thing during conversation:

  • “Hello am I Bubba.”

  • “Do you mind if I order for you? I certainly prefer it.”
  • “I want to be fucked by you, like an animal; I want to feel you on my insides.”
  • “You’re an old soul, [girl’s name]-Mae.”
  • “Can you keep a secret? It’s about an illegal violent crime.”

Those are all great places to start. Rule #2: Just be yourself!
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name: Claire Lynn
query: Hey, WAS. Here’s my question. It’s a doozie, so brace yourselves. If you were invisible for one day (that’s 24 hours, mind you), what would YOU do? I’m simply stumped, personally.
Hey, Claire Lynn. Unfortunately we didn’t take your warning very seriously, and so we didn’t brace ourselves, and that question very nearly knocked us off of the ladder and into the fireplace. Thank jesus it didn’t. It’s not a working fireplace, this being New York City and fire codes being what they are, but we still light fires in there all the time and there was a near-bonfire tumbling around in there like a load of laundry in the dryer, except the clothes were pure flame. So again, thank sweet bellowing christ that your question didn’t send us flying right off the damn ladder like a stuntman yanked by a cord, as it very almost did.
Hey so what’s your question? Invisible for a day? Hmm…. Well, I think we would definitely go to the nearest river and catch fish with our bare hands, which would be easy if you were invisible because the fish would never even suspect danger and then *POP* — they’re being rended by your mighty jaws, your two-inch teeth exploring their most private physical terrain. They’re lunch. Probably sell the extra fish we couldn’t eat at Fulton market and make a fucking killing, live like kings the rest of our lives.
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name: tim
query: you all suk cock, especially the dustin guy. u make me sick, go drink some egg nog bell tend
Tim: Of course Dustin sucks cock, friend — that’s the reason he’s in the band! Why, if he didn’t suck cock, what the hell use would he be? Can’t sing, can’t play an instrument … CAN suck a mean cock! Thank god for it! Sometimes it’s exactly what you need after a long day on the road, your cock sucked. Sometimes that’s what you need more than a good meal or a good night’s rest or some Emergen-C, is your cock sucked by Dustin, that guy in our band.
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name: Carrie
query: Right. I’ve been pondering something: why do people say “Happy Holidays” but still show a picture of Santa? I’m just not convinced that Santa is also wishing people a Happy Hanukkah. If one is going to write a holiday-themed message in front of a picture of Father Christmas himself, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to say “Merry Christmas”? Trying to make a religiously neutral statement with a picture of St. Nicholas seems counter-productive. What can be done about this?
Carrie,
That’s not Santa on the card, it’s notorious screen curmudgeon Wilford Brimley.
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name: Dresden
query: This is kind of a three part question…
Have you guys ever heard of a band called ‘Gatsby’s American Dream’ ? If so, what do you think? What are some bands that the good ol’ scientists like? AND…I live in WA. Will you guys ever play a show in Seattle, or around? I’d like to see you guys in concert. As well as throw my money at you, in exchange for a t-shirt and CD(s). Thanks!

Dresden,
Never heard of GAD, but we’ll keep our eyes open. A couple of randomly selected bands that we’ve been spinning on our matching U2 iPods lately are Dirty Little Secret, The Blood Arm, Ram it Home, and Foreign Born. And yes, we’ll undoubtedly play Seattle at some point this Spring. Here’s a joke about Seattle:

Why does it rain so much in Seattle? Because birds love to pee on Seattle. That’s not rain it’s bird pee. Every day thousands of birds fly over Seattle at great altitude and they loose their bladders all over “fair” Seattle.

Our grandma used to love to tell us that one when we were little and she was drunk. That’s right, the three members of We Are Scientists have the same grandma, at least for the sake of Official Myth. For the sake of Official Myth, we are all sexually potent as well, all three of us.
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name: vicky
query: Hi-
i recently purchased a male pygmy goat, because the pet store was out of kittens, and i was wondering if it would be safe to keep him with my small pen of male rabbits. they really tear at the pen door when the goat gets close, i think they just really want a new roomie. isn’t that just adorable?

Vicky,
Stop right where you are. DON’T: put that pygmy goat in with them rabbies. Them rabbies, let us assure you, want more than a new roommate. Them rabbies want to take the pygmy goat’s male goathood away from him, to sever it from his undercarriage with their satanic teeth, speaking technically. Then they will run around laughing their horrible silent laughter and smearing themselves with that goat’s vitality. Look, rabbies are among the most jealous, mean-spirited, cuddly creatures in god’s whole nutty kingdom, and the best thing for you to do — if you even have a shotgun — is to go out back in the garden and gun them rabbies all over their cage.
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name: Steph
query: There’s this band I really like, and I want to buy one of their extremely cool t-shirts, but the only color available is really ugly. Should I buy the shirt anyway, or wait and hope they eventually come to their senses and make more attractive shirts?
Steph,
Fuck it — if they’ve got no taste, don’t reward them! Just get one of our shirts, they’re pretty cool: Merch page.
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name: patrick mckernan
query: know any 13 year old girls who need a boyfriend please
HELP!!!!! im very desprate

Dude,
These 13 year old girls — if we knew them, they wouldn’t need a boyfriend! See what we’re saying!

Rachel, Haley, Claire Oh, Dani Lee, Jimmyong, Turtle, Shira,

name: rachel
query: a friend and i have been having an argument as to the accepted definitions and “coolness” ordering of such terms as nerd and geek. dork would probably be in there too. as fellow scientists who i think have established themselves at the cool end of the spectrum thus giving credibility to your thoughts and decisions on the matter, what do you think? is it better to be a nerd or a geek? is one smarter than the other? can you be both at the same time? should i end my love affair with chemistry if i ever want to be seen as more than a freak (but the lasers are so darn cool…)?
Rachel,
Firstly, most importantly: don’t, don’t, DO NOT quit chemistry if what you want is to be cool. What’s cooler than chemistry? Nothing. On the spectrum of cool to gay, nothing (nothing!) is left of chemistry.


Take a look at Louis Pasteur. Louis Pasteur was the goddamn shit. To be clear, there’s no higher praise than ‘the goddamn shit’. Louis Pasteur — so it’s said — would walk into a salon full of upper crust early-bohemian hepcat types with their ivory opium pipes and their velvet waistcoats and pinstriped top hats and fake mustaches, etc., and he’d be wearing scuffed shoes and a damp wool sweater vest, and everyone’s eyes would snap to Louis like iron filaments scattered on a tray addressing a newly-arrived magnet.
As to ordering the terms ‘nerd’, ‘geek’, and ‘dork’, it’s ‘nerd’, ‘geek’, ‘dork’, just like that, coolest to gayest. That’s because dorks have no special skills whereas nerds are very smart and geeks are people who love gear and equipment and are passionate about RPGs and, often, crystals. It goes without saying that Louis Pasteur was a nerd; you may not have known that he was also a geek. Indeed, it was his obsession with the paraphernalia of chemistry, particularly beakers, that kept Pasteur in the lab when less-captivated chemists were out beating hobos.
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name: Haley
query: hey scientists. you guys make amazing music and i need a guy’s opinion on my trouble. there’s this very hot guy who lives in my building, and hangs out with people who i know but am not really friends with. (but also hangs out with my best friend and this another person who i’m not really friends with) With me so far? cheers. I’ve hung out with my friend and the girl and my crush once, and it wasn’t much fun, because they all had these inside jokes and I didn’t feel included. but he’s HOT, and friends with my friends, and lives in the same building…so what should be my next move? WHAT should I do?
Haley,
Gotta get your message across.
Got. To get. Your message. Across. To this person.
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name: claire oh
query: i am the commander in chief of a little game called “spork” at my high school (www.lebospork.info if i haven’t explained it well enough) where nearly seven score of young folks pay me a crisp five dollar bill in exchange for the name of another member of the seven score. then, all members carry around sporks. if a member catches their assigned member without their spork, they jab the flesh of the offender. the offender is forever banished from the proceedings until only one remains. the final player is rewarded for months of carrying around a plastic utensil with the absurdly large stack of green papers with pictures of abraham lincoln. it’s a lovely tradition that truly separates the strong from the weak. however, as the queen of these proceedings, there is invariably conflict regarding the legality of these, excuse my vulgarity, “sporkings”. however, the true dilemma occurs in that i am tempted to use this mound of seven hundred dollars for my own purposes. given the chance, i would hop on a plane to come see my favorite scientists (since they tend to avoid pittsburgh like the plague). what sort of ethical standards prevent me from doing this? social repercussions?
Claire,
What’s great about the game Spork is that it’s a perfect, comprehensive metaphor for life in early third-millenium-a.d. North America. To your question, there are often logistical problems with misusing money that your peers have given you in confidence, but those shouldn’t be confused with ethical problems, of which there are none. Social repercussions can include a diminished willingness on the part of your peers to entrust you with money, whether it be their Spork ante, their retirement savings, what have you.
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name: Dani Lee
query: Hi WA
I live in Miami. It’s 4:00 am on Sunday and I cant sleep. I was doing some research on hair extensions – and I stumbled upon your site. I know what your thinking – but don’t judge me, there for my dog. I would like to check you out. Do you ever come to this area. We never get anyone good here – Except for ‘Puff’ Daddy and En Reek A En Glaze E Us. Can you help this Damsel?
Kitten says Meow!

Dani Lee,
Kitten says meow, Dog says bow wow, y’know? Our fist says KAPOW! Do you see? Don’t worry, that fist isn’t aimed at you. The fist is flung at all those who would seek to come at us in a threatening manner � to “front”, to offer frontage � and it speaks these dark syllables: kapow.
We’ve never been to Miami, although Keith is from Miami (Michael’s from Texas and Chris is from Utah; this you know). Will we ever come to that area? Shit yes. Keep an eye on the Shows page.
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name: Jennie
query: Hey, my parents want me to major in Nursing, but I don’t want to. Is there a way I can major in something else without them being angry at me?
Of course. The key is to come up with something even better than Nursing. Chiropractics, Orthodontics, Angioplasty, Megalopepsi, Telekinesis, Mixology, Cryptogramics, Inorganics, Ceramic Tactics, Graphics, Tactics, Fragmentology, Tactology, Tactical Graphics � these are all great bets.
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name: jimmyong
query: why does some people likes to touch my penis?
Jimmy,
These people are called doctors. They touch your penis because your mom pays them to make sure you’re healthy, and in order for them to do that they have to examine you; part of the examination process is taking a look at your penis. If this is happening with great frequency, these examinations, then there must be something scientifically significant about your penis, something these doctors need to document and try to understand, something that could possibly change everything, everything for all of us, everything for the better.
Maybe now, knowing that it’s all on the level, you can relax and try to enjoy yourself!
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name: turtle
query: what is insanity
Turtle,
Insanity is a sucker punch when you lean in for a kiss. Insanity is a cock tattoo. It’s scrubbing the dinner dishes with cocaine. It’s snakes with no tongues. It’s a piccolo playing a bass line.
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name: Shira
query: I got this really hot deal on brown pants…30 bucks…like I said, pretty hot. But then I realized that my favorite shoes are green–The result, I look like a tree. Is this ok? What should I do?
Shira,
Oh christ, this is going to come as serious relief to you: you actually look like an upside down tree � brown on top, green on bottom. And while you’re right that a standard tree look would be frowned upon, inverted tree coloration is considered interesting, whimsical, and stylish. Continue apace!

Micky, Emily, Ian, Molly, Be Safe, Steph

name: micky
query: my eye is really itchy and i have to go to the eye doctors in 15 minutes but i hate him! what can i do to escape the evil torture of scary men poking and prodding my eye?
Mick,
The solution is simple but you must act quickly. Now � QUICK! � get two spoons out of the silverware drawer and break off the handles as close to the scoops as you can, then gently place those small bowls over your eyeballs, carefully wrapping your lids over the metal edges. When your mom comes downstairs to fetch you for your trip to the doc, let her approach you with your back turned; when you sense that she’s two or three feet away, spin around and say, “Do you really think the doctor will offer even a modicum of comfort, of consolation, to his greatest foe, Old Iron Eyes!!”
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name: Emily
query: Dear WAS,
This summer vacation i went to the beach with my
[boy]friend for a week. Unexpectedly, out of the 7 hot men who were staying in our cramped, hot little beach house, i [only] began to develop strong feeling for one– let’s just call him “Woody” for now, ok[, because of his wooden personality]? Well anyway, even though i only knew him for such a short time, and not very well[adeptly], i was thinking of writing him an email, telling him how i feel… What should i say???? [Do you guys have his email address???] Please, i desperately need your wise and scienti[a]stic advice on this matter. You are my only hope.
Thank
[God for] you[ guys and what you do for the children].
I love you
[r soup recipes].
–Emily.

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name: ian
query: I know a girl who thinks Police Academy 4 is better than Star Wars. Despite my repeated attempts to persuade her otherwise and my constant threats of death if she does not change her ways she continues to indulge in this most absurd of beliefs. What action should would you recommend someone in my position to take (please note there is currently the Atlantic Ocean in between us so physical violence may be a problem).
Thank you in advance.
Ian

See, it’s like in those movies where a person has a really strong conviction, and the antagonist is trying to get her to renounce it, and so he threatens her with death � it never works. Of course this heroic figure is perfectly willing to give up her life rather than break faith with her convictions. But so then what the smart antagonists do is to threaten someone else’s life, and that always works. Because idealists all share the same gaping Achilles’ Heel: their belief in each individual’s right to choose his or her own fate. This pious naif, for all her willingness to sacrifice everything in service of an idea, is powerless to “cause” the death of another person.
So we’d say you should grab your roommate or somebody close by, drag him in front of a webcam, get your righteous friend on the phone, and issue the grim ultimatum. Somebody’s gonna start talking up Star Wars real fast, and we don’t mean you.
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name: Molly
query: WAS,
I just graduated from Pitzer College and moved home with the rents in Minnesota. What can I do to prevent myself from having a pathetic and depressed existence when I am so far away from beer bongs, Cali friends, and your concerts in NY?
Molly in Minnesota

Molly,
Surely there is nothing.
—————
name: be safe
query: your office colleque dump all the office work to you try hard to get you into the trouble and worst part you don’t have a faithful suppervisor because you don’t play dump like other girl in the office
B.S.,
How the hell do you know all that?! Our colleague here at the office does dump all of the work on us, then tries to get us in trouble for hogging all the office work! And, indeed, our supervisor is unfaithful � largely because we refuse to play dump!
What can we say but Thank You! Just knowing someone out there understands our predicament helps immensely!
—————
name: Steph
query: Dear Scientists,
I need your advice. You see, recently I started dating this guy, and of course I like him a lot (because of the brain chemical and whatnot). Unfortunately, however, he is a graduate student in physics, whereas I am a student of psychology. To be honest, I don’t think he even really believes psychology is a science. Can things ever work out between us, or is such a match so ill-fated as to be not even worth pursuing? Please advise, as I’m supposed to see him tonight, but of course will defer to your infinite wisdom, should you suggest otherwise.

Steph,
Remind your friend about the hallowed Ladder of Science, est. 1956 by Gerald P. Metaphor, a Cambridge professor of Archaeometrics. You’ll recall that the LoS, whose accuracy has been proven again and again by cartographers, establishes a clearly delineated hierarchy of the various scientific fields, assigning each a degree of “scienceness” (or, if you’re British, “scienticity”) that can be read as a concrete rating of the “hardness” of each branch of science. Here’s an abridged version that includes you and your buddy’s respective fields as well as several others for comparison; From softest to hardest, it looks like this:
Theology
Play-Do Molding
Geography
Geology
Physics
G.I. Joe
Conscription
Psychology
Prison Architecture
And of course in the unabridged version, there’s about 200 additional disciplines separating Physics and Psychology. Suffice it to say, then, Steph, that you are on only the safest of grounds.
Now, if your guy needs to be convinced on a more intuitive level, we recommend that you drop some psychology tricks on his ass. We’re hardly experts in the field, but we know generally what sorts of things a psych major can do. We recommend you start with a basic Mind Meld: grip the guy’s neck, shut your eyes, and open the floodgates of your memory, instantly inundating his brain with 25 years of experience and knowledge. Release his neck and allow him to sink to his knees with a massive sigh. Look at him knowingly. Say: “Science?” Next offer him a demo on Mind Control. Raise a tall flame on the stove and tell him to place his hand in it. When he refuses, say: “No? Sure you don’t want to?” Telepathically force him to comply; hold the hand there till tiny clouds of acrid gray smoke begin billowing off his palm. Finally, wow him with your ability to Free His Mind from the constraints of his current perceptions of reality; once that’s done, the two of you can share a hearty laugh � his carrying a note of apology for earlier derision � and enjoy a Superman-like flight through the night sky or a supersonic sprint across the surface of the Atlantic to Paris, city of lights, city of wine and poetry and romance.

Justin, Mirdonamy, Sarah,

name: justin
query: hi im really stuck you see my mom and i moved to new york 3 years ago and now its the summer and im spending it with my family in california and soon i will have to go back to new york but i wanna stay here and live with my dad and my dad wants me to live with him i have asked my mom if i can stay but she said no how can i convince her to let me stay with my dad ????????
Justin,
You need to tell her that a kid needs his dad, and a dad, well, he needs to be a dad to his kid. When a kid and a dad… when a kid doesn’t have his dad around, and that dad is somewhere far away, the dad� that is the KID, ends up with a vacuum… the dad ends up… from the dad’s end, a kid is as crucial as the dad is to the kid, so for the dad to be removed from the kid… at any age really… a kid and his dad, and vice versa… when a kid GIVES his trust to… to… your mom needs to understand about kids and dads and their kids that kids… when kids give… a dad who never… a kid who… a dad. A kid. A dad, a kid, the dad. The kid. The dad. The did. The kid did. Did dad? The kid did. Did kid? Dad did. The “Did Dad” Kid, they called him. He was known as that, and vice versa.
—————
name: Mirdonamy
query: Do yellow and blue really make green?� I mean, what is it to MAKE something anyhow?� Besides, the pineapple didn’t forget to chew the cardboard from last Tuesday, and next week’s diagram of pain doesn’t seem too promising for hamster domination now does it?!
Mirdonamy,
What is this, freshman philosophy class? Really. You can’t let yourself get caught up in these solipsistic tarbabies, kid. Sure, they’re fun to toy with on the subway on the way to work. “The pineapple didn’t forget to chew the cardboard, and either for that reason or in spite of it next week’s pain diagram appears to promise that the hamsters will fall somewhere short of outright dominance in their final campaign” — what a fun line of reasoning to explore! But ultimately it’ll get you nowhere. It’ll detain your reason, lock it up, so that the more you strain against its greasy binds the more you wear yourself out and forget your first principles.
Instead of wasting your time on that crap, build your mental muscles on this powerful Zen koan:

The bear finally reaches the front of the line and it is his turn to go down the waterslide. He is extremely nervous. During the last few minutes of waiting, the kids behind him have been speaking exuberantly and at length about the pure terror they experienced last time they rode this waterslide. The bear overcomes his fear enough to sit down in the small pool at the top of the slide. The water is cold on his asshole.

—————
name: Sarah
query: Dear Scientists,
I have been interested in playing an instrument for years now, and I’m finally getting motivated to learn. I have myself a shitty little drum set which falls apart whenever I strike it, or, I can save some money and buy either a bass or guitar. I just picked up a bass today and liked the way it felt, so I’m now wondering: what is each instrument’s feature/special power? Which one do you fine men believe I should take up?

Obviously you’re going to get near-unanimous disagreement when you ask us, the three members of a band featuring three different instruments, that question. Michael thinks drums are great, but not nearly as good as the guitar or the bass. Keith likes guitars okay, but nods his head as vigorously as a cartoon dog being offered a cartoon steak when you ask him if he’d like to play bass or drums instead. And Chris — while he doesn’t exactly ‘hate’ the bass — would “trade every bass in the world for just one guitar, or just one drumstick.” And although he’s referring to a drumstick of fried chicken, you can see that the jury is very much still out on what you should pick up.
One thing to consider is that female drummers are for some reason fairly rare, and are therefore highly prized. On the other hand, the guitar is really the only one of those instruments you’d be able to do much with if you don’t have a band and maybe just want to put on the occasional show for Grams and Gramps from the airy side of their gravestones. And the bass, of course, makes the best instrument for hitting people with, on account of its size and weight and the spikes that stick out of it.
So what you really need to do is decide what you’re after. What’s your goal? What role do you want music to play in your daily life? The fact is, at the end of the day, you can’t really go wrong with any of these three fine instruments, unless you choose drums.
Good luck!

Brattlett, Carlene, Tina Murray, Joey Patoony

name: brattlett
query: how do you convince your mom to get you a dog???
Brattlett: A fine question; a noble purpose. The most important part of convincing your mom to get you a dog is to impress upon her that you intend to use the dog for the greater good. A dog is like any tool: its virtue depends wholly on who wields it. A dog confers substantial power, so just by having one a person of flyblown moral fiber can easily be bent toward acts of evil. Your mom just wants to know that by getting you a dog she’s giving a gun to an honest cop, not handing an AK to a member of the Khmer Rouge; that she’s providing a chemistry set to Louis Pasteur, not James McCullen Destro.
—————
name: carlene
query: I am going to get braided extensions for the second time this year.I would like to know what kind of shampoo and conditioner i should use? I would just like to know how to keep my scalp clean and itch free if possible. Oh I am native american so I don’t have some of the problems with braids that the African Americans do.I really don’t know what those problems are. okay thanks
sincerily carlene

Carlene: We agree. What’s the African Americans’ problem with braids? Why must they hate all the time? Braids are great — on the right person, braids are GREAT! And yet some people certainly do seem to have a problem with them. You know what we say about this? To those who would disrespect the braid, we either say “whatever”, or we say “please just talk to my hand about this.” Alternatively, when we’re feeling particularly weary of the complaints, we’ll say, “maybe you’re right.”
But none of that is either here or there; instead it’s all neither here nor there, because you asked a question. Your question, if we cut and paste properly, was, “I would like to know what kind of shampoo and conditioner i should use?” Indeed you would, and so we’ll tell you. You should use Prell, or Pert, or Pantene. Paul Mitchell is also good. The fact is that only shampoos that begin with the letter ‘p’ contain the natural moisturizers and gentle cleansers that your braids need to stay shiny and itch free, all day long. It probably goes without saying that the more ‘p’s the better, so Pert Plus and Pantene Pro-V are the best of the best, although some people don’t like the way shampoos with a ‘v’ anywhere in their name smell, so the ne plus ultra is definitely Pert Plus. Take a look at this stuff in action:



—————
name: tina murray
query: Who spawned Keith? I don’t recognize him, and I am his earth mother – EXPLAIN!
Maybe the more apt question is: Who spurned Keith? We who know him well know that modern-day Keith can largely be traced to a single source : spurning. Getting spurned. The spurnings — the awful, endless spurnings — have had an effect on Keith so formative that, in comparison, who did or didn’t bear him into this world is almost entirely irrelevant. So then, since you are his mother and deserve to know, we offer you the following hopelessly incomplete list of people who have spurned Keith merely during the course of the last week:

  • Lady Luck

  • The God of Punctuality
  • The Goddess of Respectful Speech
  • The Archduke of Cheap Airline Tickets
  • The Countess of Timely Arrival of One’s Mail

Imagine, if you dare, stumbling through this life, reeling, always aware that you are constantly on the verge of being spurned by Fate, or Time, or the Bartender, or Mother Bonifant, patron saint of parking. What excruciation! What torment to know you live in a world which has turned its back on you! Which, even as it fawns over your neighbor, casts a cup of steaming coffee into your lap! You would — we all would, wouldn’t we? — evolve a certain distance, secrete a shell between yourself and the world. And through it, you would appear to all who knew you in your carefree youth as somehow different, colder, removed, like a vibrant painting behind a sheet of vellum.
And if all that’s not enough, you should be aware that Keith has been watching a lot of Little House on the Prairie lately — he pinched pennies for the better part of a year to buy the deluxe Criterion box set of all 12 seasons on DVD — and we’d be fools not to acknowledge the profound effect these viewings have had on our Keith. Imagine Keith as a mugfull of hot water — you wouldn’t be the first; now, in the form of Little House on the Prairie, add two, maybe three teabags. Let it sit for however long it takes to watch 12 seasons of LHotP. Not so suddenly, the liquid in that mug has lost its clarity, its purity of taste. It is now musky, spicy of scent, exceedingly potent to the tongue, so much so that the average taster of mugged beverages has a hard time not spitting it out. Yes, the mug’s contents have changed. And yet a simple chemical test would reveal that their primary constituent, by an overwhelming margin, remains water. Crystal clear, most refreshing, highly agreeable water.
—————
name: Joey Patoony
query: The old man that lives next door to me, Mr Meekham likes to touch me lots and I don’t like it. How can I get him to stop touching me without risking the loss of sweeties he always gives me?
Joey, friend, it’s time to grow up a notch. The fact is, life is a game of give and take, of this for that, of compromise. It’s all as mindless, amoral, and perfect as an open economy. And you, Joey, friend, need to get used to it. Wise up, kid: If this Mr. Meekham breaks out a package of savories, and you want in, well then you’d better be prepared to break out what you got, and let him in. Does that make sense, Joey? Little Joey? Kiddo?
Hey, now that’s all assuming that you’re at least 18 years of age, by the way, Joey. And that Mr. Meekham is over 18, too. Or that you’re both under 18, we think. Best to check the law in your state, just to be safe.
—————
name: kalos with a k and no r
query: well i recently found a wart on my penis… and i have a wart on my hand… is there a connection?
Yes. One is a metaphor for the other.

Sarah, Shea, Cybil, Lail, PP Trouble

name: Sarah
query: Dearest Scientists,
I have an oral law report and essay on sexual assault due wednesday…problem is, it’s 8pm Tuesday night and I haven’t even started! So my question is, should I fake sickness and stay home, only to have to miraculously “get better” by 6pm, when I go see the French Kicks play in Detroit? Or should I face the consequences of an unfinished report and possible reaming out by my law teacher in front of my class, followed by a night of rocking out? What should I do?!
Sarah

Sarah: It’s a fairly complex situation, you’re right. Actually, you’re on track to an answer, and of course deception is the key; you’re just not taking it quite far enough. Staying home sick with the old 10 Hour Flu is sloppy, bound to raise eyebrows. You want a clean escape, and here’s how to achieve it: Go to class. Listen to the other kids do their reports on sexual assault. When it’s your turn, announce in a voice genle yet firm that the topic is just too sensitive for you, you’re really sorry but you just couldn’t do a report. Shut your eyes when you say this and allow your voice to tremble slightly. After a moment or two of silence, the class will almost definitely move on, no questions asked, and your freedom will be won.
And, Sarah… Enjoy the French Kicks!
—————
name: Shea
query: Esterification lab project due in 2 days. I’m lost and I need to know why the smell changes, slight overview I guess. Salicylic acid and methanol. Acetic Acid and ethanol. Got anything?
Wow. You present us with a quandary, Shea. We’re loathe to undermine your learning by simply removing this obstacle from your path altogether. Yet we’d love to just blurt out the answer BECAUSE WE TOTALLY KNOW IT CUZ IT’S TOTALLYFUCKING EASY!!!
What if we were to give you a hint? A hint written in metaphor: There was once a monk by the name of Salicyl. He was elected by the other monks in his cloister to undertake the important annual trip to Methanopolis to resupply the cloister’s carefully managed stock of Acetic acid. During the weeklong journey to the capital, Salicyl decided a discreet stopover at the Olde Tyme Palace of Prostituency & Imbibation would be most in order. While there, he enjoyed the attentions of the renowned and widely-Known courtesans Clamyd and Syphil, and did in turn visit much attention upon the barrels of alkaloid-nested brock. Well, when two days hence Salicyl reached the apothecary in Methanopolis, he was in such an addled state, his body was so riddled by the infusions it had received at the Olde Timey WhooreBrothel, that he bungled the procurement and brought home to his brethren in Christ, who by this time were positively desperate for that Acetic acid, a barrel of reeking kimchi. He was sentenced by a thoroughly-piqued tribunal of his peers to 7 days of esterification in the Unholy Pit of Ethanol & Madness.
Godspeed, young scholar!
—————
name: cybil
query: my friend refuses to believe in God because she says the bible is sexist. what can i say to her?
First, catch your friend off guard by agreeing with her. Say, “I’m sorry, but it’s true! The Bible is very sexist!! From the powerful symbol of Eve as originating in one of Adam’s little tiny ribs on through to the end, that’s one sexist book!!” Then tell her that if she’s going to get hung up on the sexism, though, she’ll never notice all of the really BIG reasons that the Bible is dumb. Point out to her some of the tremendous inconsistencies in God’s “justice”; guide her to the passages where we’re told people used to routinely live in excess of 600 years; discuss the many instances when Israelite armies were commanded by God to kill not only the enemy’s soldiers, but also the women, children and animals; talk about Job.
Then you could also remind her that, despite all this, the Bible is after all a mere document, one that, in its current iteration, has been subject to the longest round of The Telephone Game ever played; that it has been re-translated, redacted, weeded and expanded under the highly-partisan guidance of so many different interests that it’s unlikely an official tally of collaborators is feasible, much less convenient. Which is to say that if there are particular things that bother your friend, particular aspects that seem out of date or depressingly archaic — such as the sexism — then she might consider chalking them up to the dated origins of the material, material that nevertheless serves a philosophy and perhaps even an entity that are very much timeless and would in themselves not likely offend even a very liberal person (not to say, of course, that merely by objecting to sexism your friend qualifies as “very liberal”), so long as that person generally adheres to some thread or another of what’s considered Western thought.
All of which would tend to suggest that maybe the sexism isn’t such a big deal, either because its severity shrinks when set beside the Bible’s greater offenses, or because it’s possible the sexism was blithely included by the all-too-human hands that actually jotted out the divine testament. But regardless of whether she buys any of that, you might also point out to your friend that whether the Bible and by extension God are sexist has nothing at all to do with whether it’s authentic or whether He exists. Surely it’s possible that God exists and he’s a sexist? Is your friend’s policy that since the Taliban is sexist, Osama bin Laden must not exist? You should be suspicious of your friend the moment she “refuses to believe in God”, because you don’t really refuse to believe in things — you either believe in them or don’t. We’d love to refuse to believe in bin Laden, but it would be a completely empty gesture. That’s because refusing to believe somebody exists isn’t the same as refusing them their existence, which is really what your friend is trying to do to God. Surely what your friend means when she says “believe in God” is “like God”. She refuses to like God, because he’s sexist. Unless she finds some crippling trainwreck of inconsistency in divine sexism, which would have to involve God claiming (a) that he’s always honest, and (b) that sexism is wrong, and then for him to (c) go ahead and be sexist. Which would certainly call the purity of God’s word into question, but then again, it would really just come down to honesty and, ultimately, likeability. And does God say you have to like him? Not really. You’ve got to respect him, certainly, and believe in him, obviously, and then accept his various tenets if you want to go to his after-party instead of to Hell, but like him? Not terribly necessary. If you can find a certain affinity for God, that’s icing on the cake. Job sure didn’t like God much, not for a while there, maybe not ever again.
Cybil! Take your friend to dinner and have a rap session! What’s more fun than rappin’ out about the Divine?!
—————
name: lail
query: I’m looking for some good used bookstores in the city. Where can I find some top notch establishments?
Lail,
We’re going to assume — safely, we think — that you’re using ‘store’ in a sense synonymous with ‘cache’. In which case you’ll be hard-pressed to beat the Public Library at 40th Street and 5th Avenue (though NYU’s library, if you can negotiate access, is also formidable).
—————
name: pp trouble
query: I find at work that I am not able to pee in the urinal when other people are present in the restroom. No where else do I have this problem. If I’m in the process of peeing at work and someone walks in, whether i know them or not, I immediately stop. Once they leave, nature resumes where it had left off. This is quite a severely embarrassing and inconvenient problem. Please help.
Dearest PPT,
Very interesting, indeed! Now, let us make sure we understand you properly: You say that whenever you are in the bathroom at work and other people are present and you try to pee, you have trouble. But nowhere else at work is this the case — you piss freely and unencumbered no matter where you decide to unfurl, so long as that place is not the urinal. Yes… very, interesting, in, deed! Well, first and foremost, from an etiquette standpoint, so long as the higher ups don’t have a problem with you whizzing in say the kitchen or the elevator or in other people’s trash baskets, we say go ahead and take advantage of what we assure you is a pleasantly liberal and backward-thinking take on waste management.
Of course, in the interest of Science, it would be nice to discover why you experience attacks of modesty only in the place where you are least likely to be the subjected to public scrutiny, to wit, the w.c. Now, we’re not certified psychologists, PPT — we’re not even particularly intuitive — but with that caveat in place, we’re going to cobble together the following little model of what may very well be taking place in your mind: What if what’s happening is that when you go into the bathroom, you suddenly and inevitably go on alert because you know that this is the only place where people can be absolutely sure that, if you’re here, you’re going to the bathroom. Follow us, now. If you stop to relieve yourself on the carpet outside the mailroom, or on the CFO’s chair, or just on the wall in some unadorned stretch of hallway, an onlooker would hardly be able to assume that what you’re about to do is pee. Indeed, there are anywhere between one and a hundred other officially sanctioned reasons for your being there. On the other hand! If a colleague walks in on you just as you’re squaring up to a urinal or even a sink, he can be fairly certain that you’re about tear aside the drapes and expose the young master to sunlight — and your mind knows this, and it CAN’T. STOP. THINKING ABOUT IT. It becomes preoccupied with the instantly incriminating fact that you are in a bathroom, standing in front of a urinal, and therefore, for anybody who’s looking, are very much about peeing. Your head gets so hung up on this fact, this guilt by geography, that it completely ignores this rather crucial detail: nobody who notices is going to much care.
Now conversely, when you’re about to sprinkle on some anonymous wall, your mind is thinking, “If we are spotted, we can easily make up an excuse. We can always say, ‘Oh, I thought I’d draw a picture on this wall, spruce things up a bit,’ or, if the urination has already begun, ‘Oh, I stopped by to spruce things up a bit, and I had to pee, and so in accordance with company policy I decided to just go ahead and do it right on the wall, and in fact I’m probably going to incorporate the yellow wash into the picture I draw. But no, I didn’t come by here specifically to pee — it’s not like peeing is a big deal to me or something I plan or what have you. Like the way I’d plan a night out on the town or even a trip to the supermarket — that’s not how I go about peeing.'” As to why you’re so frantically obsessed with insuring that people not think you give any thought to when or where you take a piss, it can only have to do with insecurity about the fact that you ARE very very thoughtful about your urination habits — as demonstrated by your letter to us!
Our advice? As stated: continue to avoid the restroom. Just make sure never to accept employment from a company that doesn’t let employees relieve themselves wheresoever they please, or if you do, make sure they wave the rule in your contract.

Dustin, NA, Alex

name: Dustin
query: Hey, im 16 and i just recentky told my friends and some other people that i am not a virgin, but i really am, and i have let it go now so long, that now when i tell them that i was lying they dont believe me and i was just wondering. What are the statistics for how many guys lie about not being a virgin? i would appreciate if u could answer this for me. thank you.
Sincerly,
Dustin

Dustin,
If your friends won’t believe the truth, then lying to them is the only way you and they will ever have a friendly conversation.
As to how many guys lie about not being a virgin, we did an informal survey of the band and came up with 100%. Extrapolate those numbers and you find that most and maybe all young men dishonestly deny their sexual inexperience. Who can say why? Is it because chicks only want to do guys who have done tons of other chicks? While chicks definitely feel that way, there may be something more to it. It may be that a fella’s inclination to lie is really based on a desire to seem mature, knowledgeable, cool to his male friends. Certainly that’s the reason a guy gets a fake I.D.: not to fool a bouncer into thinking he’s older than he really is, but to fool his buddies. “Oh, you guys thought I was fourteen like you? No, no. No, man, check out my I.D… yeah, I’ll be twenty-two in July.”
Not to amplify the significant pressure that you apparently already feel to check off “nother person” on your To Do list, but have you considered that one easy way to solve the problem would be for you to go ahead and actually lose your virginity, except for real this time? An informal poll of the members of W.A.S. shows that nearly 35% of us enjoyed the experience of losing our virginity, and a full 66%(!!) are “kind of glad” or “very glad” that they ever did. Strong results that speak a powerful message, Dustin.
—————
name: N/A
query: I’m confused.
Us too, but in a good way, you know? Like, who really wants to have it all figured out? How great is the not knowing, the anticipation, the hoping! How much better than the naked form is the carefully clothed one! How much more exciting the question before you than the answer unveiled! What point would there be to any of this, N/A, if we knew where it would all lead? Cursed omniscience! Weep for God, N/A, and his lidless vision!
—————
name: Alex
query: Hey guys, i have been thinking latley about asking this girl out at my school, but i dont think she likes me. i’m short and fat, how can i get her to like me?
Alex,
If We Are Scientists has taught the world anything, it’s that guys who don’t necessarily fit the Beveryly Hills 90210 formula for male hotness (baggy jeans shorts; tall, stiff hair; fake jobs; etc.) can still appeal to women. All you have to do is be in a triple-awesome rock band. Do that, and you’re home free. Short and fat? Irrelevant. Look at Matt Pryor of The Get Up Kids — dude’s shaped like Danny DeVito, yet he’s got em lining up. Probably he does. At any rate, that guy from Smashmouth, the lead singer guy, is clearly rolling in dates. Every time he shows up at some insiders-only event, like a movie premier or a Toys-R-Us opening, his stretch H2 disgorges dozens of bulemic actress-waitresses in a farcical, Caligulan emulation of the old “How many more clowns can possibly come out of that mini-bus?” trick.
Now, if the problem is that you’re not only short and fat but also operating outside the pheremoneous cloud of rock, then the situation is substantially more complex. What you’ll have to do, Alex, in the absence of both celebrity cach� and traditional good looks, is present this girl with something else to make up for it. Whether it be a decent sense of humor, an impressive (non-Star Trek) skill, or a compassionate kindness that her CEO dad and quarterback-ex-boyfriend never had the time to show her, you’ll need to bring something to the table. Because while there are girls out there who’ll date you simply because they feel sorry for you, who think that, like an old mutt with a smashed hip, you deserve their pity — while these girls do exist, and they’re not bad people, sympathy is the foundation for a pretty dull romance, one you might as well avoid. Hold out for a chick whom you fascinate. Avoid the horror that is 99.4% of highschool romance. Unless you’re in college, in which case we can’t recommend too strongly that you treat yourself to a nice highschool romance.

Michael, Kathy de la K, Hello My, Diane, Erinn

name: Michael
query: Dear WAS,
I have an huge bump on my penis that may or may not be serious. I’ve tried busting it with a pin, but that only makes the bump hurt even more. What could this huge mass of tissue be? How can I get rid of it?

Dear Michael,
Yikes! What the hell are you thinking, man? Sending that kind of question to us! Michael! Friend! Heir to the throne of England! Listen! This is a family site, for chrissakes! The only thing worse than you writing such a question would be for us to publish it! On our family site!
Okay, no, but seriously, you need help, we have answers, end of story. We must help you. Hipocratic oath and all. So here’s what you do, Michael, and you can trust us because between the three of us we’ve delt with the same thing literally a hundred thousand times: you need to wrap your little friend in cloth — we’re talking the finest silks from Thailand, so gossamer they float through the air almost like a heat wave; the most sumptuous Carribean linens, shot through with golden filaments, their marvelous colors recalling a perfected happiness you haven’t known since childhood; cottons of such delicate weaves it will break your goddamn heart. Wrap yourself in these fine fabrics, yards of them. Scent the fabric with a few drops of splendid eau de jasmin. Tie it all up with a golden ribbon. Head to the doctor.
—————
name: kathy de la k
query: so i’m running a brother right, i’m a pimp/owner/financial manager/ etc, and sometimes my hoes get out of hand and i have to regulate. i don’t want to hit them since bruises might decrease their value to potential customers but i want them to learn their lesson when they go against their pimp. what can i do?

kdlk,
In our experience there is only one way to deal with a ho who gets out of hand and/or goes against her pimp, and that is to kill her with kindness. It sounds like a clich�, but you know what? Sometimes things become clich�s because they’re just so damn true.
—————
name: hello my
query: klfdmsdlkmf
Dear HM,
Learn to spell, asshole.
—————
name: Diane
query: I’m Lost? What Do I Do?
Dear Diane,
Head East on 6th street (toward the bridge) till you come to the Washington Mutual (we think it’s on Knudsen St.), where you’ll hang a right (Knudsen St.?). Go four or five blocks — you’re heading South now — and you’ll hit Main St. Take a left. All the shops are right along there. If you want food, we recommend Jimmy’s Tomato Kitchen; the most delicious flayed tomatoes you’ll slide into you! Add a little olive oil? A little parmesan? Toss it on a panini? Ask your waiter to oven bake it? You’ve practically got a pizza on your hands! Don’t tell Jimmy, though; he steadfastly refuses to allow his premium tomatoes to be used in something as base as pizza. Little tip about Jimmy, though, if you’ll pardon a couple of old gossips their vice: Jimmy is a pederast. So if you’re traveling with any young ones, be extra attentive. Super extra attentive, actually; that Jimmy’s a monster. The most aggressive, brazen pederast we’ve ever seen. One minute your little one will be right there at the table with you, and you’ll raise your menu to read about the many vintages of tomato available, and you’ll later swear to christ you were only at the menu for 30, maybe 40 seconds, and you’ll lower your menu to find the little one missing from his/her seat; you’ll jump up and scan the restaurant, but you won’t have to look far, cuz there at the next table for all to see will be Jimmy reaming your little one, your baby. Oh god, you’ll never forgive yourself.
Hope that helps! Call us if you have any trouble! Unless it’s with Jimmy, as we hold no sway over that demented fucking raptor! Hey, neither do the cops!
—————
name: Erinn
query: Hi, I’m in love with this guy but my friends think thats he’s creepy. He has a girlfriend, but they’re in an open relationship…there’s one problem though…since they’re in an open relationship they share the other people they hook up with and I don’t know if I want to be with his girlfriend…what do I do?

There’s an old chip of wisdom, Erinn, that if you really love a guy you’ll screw his girlfriend, too. And we think that’s pretty much true. Ask yourself, Erinn, do you love him? Are you really, really into him and do you really want things with you two to work? Well then you’re going to have to get used to sharing the bed with his girlfriend. Hey, Erinn, how do you think the rest of us do it? It’s the same for all of us. Each of us We Are Scientists guys has a girl that we love a lot, that we’re totally committed to, and she has no problem sleeping with us and our girlfriend. Cuz and that’s love, do you know? That’s love.