Category Archives: Advice

How Do I Prepare For Your Show?/Capricorn+Capricorn=Evil?/Can Science Gals Find Science Guys?/I Wanna Drop Out And Be A Groupie/I Love A Married Man/What’s Your Guitar Of Choice?

name: Amy
query: im going to see you fine gentlemen on april 10th and i was just wondering if theres anything i should do in order to get the most out of my we are scientists experience??
A few things that can’t hurt:
Melt your mind beforehand: Come to the show your mind already molten, your intentions shattered, your inclinations and desires bone-broken and reduced to mush.
Eat a good meal that evening: The wrong way to watch We Are Scientists — the very exact wrong way — is tummy a’rumble.
Bring your own hair: We don’t provide hair.
Above all come to the show with an open mind and a sincere desire to have a great time because we are going to bring the rock and make you feel great about yourself and your friends and parents and life and the fact that your dog got lured by the neighborhood perv into a thresher where he got flung — thousands of strands of him, like 1500 pieces of wet uncooked bacon — all over the driveway! Which you later had to clean up cuz your parents were on vacay.
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name: nini
query: capricorn + capricorn compatability go on,tell me its a doomed relationship.
Not only is the relationship doomed but, if you pursue it, so is the future of mankind and life on this planet! Have you ever seen Back to the Future? And so are you familiar with the tremendous threat involved in a person from the present meeting a version of himself from the future or past? Remember how it will create a rift in the time/space continuum that will compound and react and multiply and radiate fissures of awful anarchy out through the fabric of existence and destroy not only reality but also every possible path reality could have taken since the instant after matter’s inception? Well the film’s creators were basing that on what happens when capricorns date capricorns.
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name: Camara Samuel
query: I am an aspiring scientist…and currently a senior in High School…do you think I will ever find a boy who shares my intrests in the natural sciences at my young age…
Hm. Tough Q. There are certainly high school guys out there who enjoy the natural sciences, but they are massive pervs who spend all their time shredding dogs in shredders and then freaking out in passionate observance of the raw-bacon-fireworks that putting that dog in the shredder caused. They love Mad Libs, for chrissakes, these guys.
Your best bet is to find a nice english major and slowly insinuate your love of science into his mind. Do this by giving him sex once every time he completes a “Short Answer & Essay” section at the end of a chapter of your Chem or Bio books. A girl did this for one of the members of W.A.S. when he was in high school, and the predictable-enough pavlovian result is that science topics now cause actual physical arousal. Seriously, nothing gets him hard like slinging a terrified dog into a shredder.
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name: Frankie
query: I wana drop out of uni and be a groupie..is this wrong?
If dropping out of uni and becoming a groupie is wrong, Frankie, then who the fuck wants to be right? You know? Who wants to be right? If that’s wrong, dropping out of uni and groupying it up, who wants to be right in those circumstances? Where society is actually going to tell you that dropping out of the ol’ uni and getting your groupie on is wrong. Who, Frankie, who? Frankie… … … … who. Who.
Who.
Frankie, oh my god, Frankie…
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name: rollerskateskinny, its not really but I need to remain anon!
query: What do you do when you absolutely love and adore a married man…and I mean really really love!
I know WAS probably have firsthand experience of this, so I thought I’d ask!
Cheers
xxx

Rollerskateskinny,
When a woman really, really loves a man, that’s when she is liable to be tricked into performing unsavory tasks, so take advantage of your situation. Keep the wife around at all times — you’ll find the man you love will completely leave off of making these embarrassing requests of you and your body. You will be free to pursue a sublime spiritual friendship, while wife is condemned to perform the awful physical servicing of her masochistic, sick/evil fetish-master pervert of a husband.
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name: Daniel
query: What kind of guitars (acustic and Electric) do you guys love the most?
Well, Daniel, the kind with naked ladies on the front. And we’ll tell you why. It’s because they have great tone and great feel.

Who’s Your Favorite Scientist?/Can’t Convince Mome to Let Lizzy Sleep Over…/How to Convince Mome to Get Me a Dog…/When Will WAS Break Up?/Trouble With Painting Teacher…/Myspace Page?/Lyrics to Nobody Move?/How Can I Be As Cool As I Think I Am?

ame: jordan
query: How do i get the ladies like a scientist? Should I just tell them I am a scientist and hope that works? I just need girls and I need advice! Also, who is your favorite scientist in all of history?
Our favorite scientists in all of history has either not yet been born or is living but has yet to unveil his big invention, which is Space Painting, which would allow us to paint in space. Like, not to go up into space in a space ship and paint in zero gravity on a canvas. Space painting is where you actually paint.
Space.

Substantially more exciting than the stuff we currently consider advanced — fission, dirtbiking. And the scientist who invents it, besides rounding up all the major prizes and enough cash remuneration to last her family for a thousand years, will also earn the honor of our band going around saying, “Man, yeah, that lady who figured out space painting, hands down.”
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name: Courtney
query: I’m trying to convince my mom into letting my friend Lizzy spend the night on week-nights during the summer but she won’t let me neither will my dad. What should I do?
Appeal to the family dog? If you can curry his favor, that’d be a place to start. Play your cards carefully. Be strategic. You just may bring Mom and Dad around with a “But Dr. Mallory thinks it’s okay” gambit.
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name: Samantha
query: I love dogs, but i dont have one. When i ask my mom for one she just says “no.” And then when i ask her why she just says “because you don’t need one.” She never gives me a REAL answer. How do i get her to change her mind?
What if instead we got you to change your mind? You don’t want a dog. Seriously, you don’t. Why? Well… what makes you think you do? Have you even thought about it? About the responsibility? About all the shit you are going to have to shovel? Go ahead and take that literally, by the way. Owning and caring for a dog means actually getting out there and shoveling that animal’s shit, which gets all over the shovel and remains on the grass where it was initially dumped and also splats all over wherever you throw it and, in case you hadn’t heard, smells completely awful. There’s a reason that when something smells particularly terrible we say, “Man, that smells like dogshit.” “Man,” you hear the guy mutter, “this corpse has been lying here in the sun for probably days and I have to say, it smells just like dogshit.” And yet you’re hoping to bring an animal into your home whose main specialty, whose one reliable function, is to crap out putrid little rotten corpses. That smell awful.
Not only that, but dogs bite people, and then you get sued by them. This is a daily occurrence, in case you don’t read the newspaper. You’re going to bring home a new boyfriend one day and your dog’s going to get jealous and bite your boyfriend’s face off, the face that made you like him in the first place. And then his parents will sue your family right into the poorhouse.
Have you heard of “slobber”? Do you tend to think of it as a positive term? Because the other thing that dogs can be trusted to do, besides thumping gaseous dead rats out their ass and besides biting everybody, is to slobber all over themselves and you.
If you have other pets, say goodbye to them now, because your dog is going to kill them.
You need to do some serious thinking about whether a dog is really what you need in your life right now.


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name: Sappy
query: When are We Are Scientists breaking up?
When it is becoming clear that things with the girl are not to be working out and efforts to repair are already having been tried and resultingly hope is being lost.
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name: michaela
query: hey
i am an artist and my painting is really pissing me off because my teacher (yes im still at school sigh – two more years, two more years..), yeah, my goddamn teacher fucked it up. how can i make it better, still keeping the composition she suggested but retain my approval and adamant love for it? also, is it advisable to read a dictionary or thesaurus to up my vocabulary to your astronomical standard (no flattery there whatsoever)? which publication and company would you advise? ps you guys rock hardcore xxx

Michaela,
Reading the dictionary is not enough; you need to memorize it. Forget about a thesaurus. It’s a waste of time. What need does a person who knows all the words have for a thesaurus? Not much.
This painting thing — that’s a tough situation. If we understand correctly, you’ve got the painting pretty close to how you want it, and something about the way it is now makes you love it. But your teacher wants you to make substantial changes to it, presumably because she finds some formal flaw with the way you’re going about describing things with the paint. Well, there’s your love to consider, sure, but are you forgetting about something? Are you forgetting about… your teacher’s love, maybe? You love the painting now, but your teacher is asking you to make a couple of changes so that she can love it. And what’s wrong with that? Are you suggesting that your love is somehow worth more than hers? The opposite is actually more sensible; after all, your teacher is a professional artist who knows how to really love a painting. We suggest you follow your teacher’s instructions and give that brilliant, lonely old woman something to warm her in her final weeks.
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name: Dan
query: heyo ppl, you lot on myspace? simple question should hav a simple answer, or if u’d like you can make it a long one with dragons an tales of unicorns an hippys…or somthin like tht, its up 2 u
For the answer to that question you have to go back forty years to the 1960’s, when hippies and unicorns still roamed the earth. You see, at that time there was no Myspace — no internet even — and yet something about dragons. Years later we would establish a page on Myspace, but hide it away carefully at Myspace.com/wearescientists so that only total geniuses would be able to find it without our help.
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name: J C
query: Hey! plz could u send me the lyrics to ‘nobody moves nobody gets hurt’ its an ace song!
thanks

Of course:
Lyrics to Nobody Move (with instrumentation)
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name: glen
query: Why is it when I alone I am so assured of my unmatched charm and razor sharp wit? Everyone from the people on TV to wannabes in magazines fail to compete with my firm grasp of the latest trends and fashions. I am infaliable. It is almost as if my life is script for a movie and I’m the dashing lead.
The only problem is whenever I leave the house and encouter any kind of social situation and tend to melt and sticky the hand of my confidence in a melting ice cream type of metaphor.
How can achieve the level of cool confidence that I have within my head within the context of actual reality?

Well, Glen, you just typed, “I am infaliable.” That seems like as good a place as any to start. The fact is, everybody is their own biggest fan; everybody thinks they’re cooler than they are; everybody spells worse than they think they do. Even if they think they spell really poorly, they doubtless spell even worse than that. Just take the pressure off yourself, Glen. It’s your worst enemy, this pressure. Relax into the fact that you’re kind of a retard. Just ease down into that reality and make it your home. Sit in it for a while like a baby sits in his stool. Probably that baby enjoys the warmth. Try to enjoy the warmth. Draw strength from it. Shift your bum around in it a little. Accept, Glen. Now get out there in the world. Walk confidently, comfortable in your mediocrity, resigned to it; not agitated by the wicked one-two punch of your own high expectations and the creeping sense that there’s no freaking way you’re living up to them.

Barnaby, Tom & Bryn, Matthew, Pants & Mill, Nansi, Charlie Brown

name: Barnaby
query: Lovely scientists, there is a full moon tonight and I am without anything silver. I do however have a copper penny with Abe Lincoln’s head on it. I have also put on a fake mustache to attempt to fool them into thinking I am one of them. What should I do to keep the werewolvses away?
You have to act fast. First, glue together a small man out of toothpicks. Now glue Abe Lincoln’s coppery head on there. Now glue the fake mustache onto the toothpicks so that Abe Lincoln appears to be wearing a werewolf-fur coat. Now put this guy on the other side of town from where you intend to hang out tonight.
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name: Tom and Bryn
query: if you’re going downtown (which is about 5 miles away), how long would it take to get there on a bus on a rainy day?
also have you seen wallace and gromit yet?
thanks

It will take you three minutes to get downtown, because buses travel one hundred miles per hour in the rain, because bus drivers think that police radar doesn’t work in the rain. You say to yourself, “Isn’t it dangerous, driving that fast in the rain?” Well, yes, but you don’t take the bus for a safe, conservative ride, you take it to see what’s going to happen that day on the bus.
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name: Matthew
query: I’ve just found out that you’re album is out in my homeland (U.K.). Usually I buy albums the day they come out, just so I can prove to my friends that I’m infinitely more scene than they are, but now, I’ve lost that privaledge. What can I do?
You have three options. First, you can travel back in time and get the album on the day it comes out; a corollary sub-option here is to send a message back in time to your October 17th self and urge him to buy the album — tell him his very scenicness is at stake. Second, you can buy the album today, then launch an elaborate campaign to convince your peer group that purchasing albums exactly 8 weeks after they come out is scene’s ne plus ultra. Third, you can cut up all your friends and find a new set of friends with whom to begin meticulously building a positive scene rating. As the first two options are completely impracticable, we recommend the third option, except legally. In a legal sense, we recommend pursuing the first option. But yeah, no, do the third thing.
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name: pants and mill
query: wat do i do. thers this lad i fanci. an he dunt evan no hu i am. my frend pants nos him. but i wnt to get to no im too. wat do i do? u see….im a year younger than him aswell, so it makes it evan harder to try an see im. how can i get im to notice me?
You have but three options. First, you can invent time travel. That will definitely get this dude’s attention. A corollary sub-option here is to successfully send a message back through time to, say, the him of two months ago — maybe just a note saying “Hey! It’s me, Mill! From Simple Tools Making class! Just wanted to say ‘Hi’, but from the very near future!” He will be fucking flabbergasted probably. Second, you can launch an elaborate campaign to convince his peer group that when it comes to people worth knowing, you are the ne plus ultra. Getting an introduction with you will then become the primary goal not only of this dude, but of the other guys he hangs out with, whom you may ultimately find to be more satisfying, attentive lovers, even if they lack all of dude’s flashy equipment. Third, you can kill your objet’s family; this will put you all over his radar, for all of time. As the first two options are completely impracticable, we recommend the third option, except legally. Legally, we recommend you just walk up to the fucking dude and say “Hey! I’m Mill! We’re in Simple Tools together, right?”
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name: Nansi (aka pants)
query: thers a lad i fancy at skul. he is givin really wierd signals. he uses lots of txts on me. hmmmm. i dnt no. he fancies some one else apparantly. but i dont think i believe him. all his m8s think he likes me tho. hes a year older than me and a lot taller. ive got cystic fibrosis. do you think my illness could be a part of him not wanting to go out with me?
Your first step is to assure the object of your affection that cystic fibrosis isn’t contagious. He sounds like an ignorant sonofabitch, so the possibility of contracting your malady is definitely something he’s stewing over — not in those words, of course. No, he’s thinking, “Her sick make him sick? Like porcupine make Flash sick when him play on porcupine?”
Once you strip away the naked terror he’s been feeling toward you, the wooing process can begin. Start by giving him treats — crackers, pretzels, those little Pounce succulents for cats. This causes him to think of you as “friend”. The next and final step is to rescue him from danger — take him to the hospital when he’s sick, push him out of the way of a careening rainy-day bus, maybe even have one of your friends anonymously kidnap him; then you heroically storm the dilapidated old house, lower a bucket into the pit and pull him out, rush him to the hospital and get his wounds closed up and get him hydrated. If you can make him feel that you’ve saved his life, he’ll be permanently grateful to you, all the way down to his bones. It’s that kind of aching-heart, weak-kneed gratitude that makes for a hell of a nice romance.
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name: charlie brown =)
query: yeahh..i need your lyrics!! bought your album today. its amazing, but i have this thing for the lyrics..so i can sing along =D so where can i get them? and i WANT my lip pierced..my dad said no, mum said yeah (i hatee it when that happens) and its my birthday soon…can you think of a way i can persuade him?
You’re going to feel pretty foolish about this lyrics thing when we tell you that they’ve been right in front of you the whole time. You see, they’re on the album that you bought — that’s actually what Keith’s singing the whole time! The lyrics!
You’ve probably just scampered off to pop the CD into your boom box and get to work learning those lyrics, but in case you’re still reading, here’s what you do about the lip piercing thing, because yeah, you’d better goddamn well believe we know how you can persuade him. Here’s the thing: there’s a certain type of dad who thinks that jewelry is just fuckin dumb, especially on boys, especially lip piercings. Sounds like you maybe drew this exact dad. What he wants is for you to be “normal” — “normal” as defined by what boys looked like and acted like way back when he was your age. Which leaves you with three options.

Mr. Marteeni, Eamonn, Robin, Rusty, etc…

name: mr marteeni
query: gd evning or morning or afternoon which ever aplies. do u think fat arses are better than small ones cuz my good friends arse is quite small? lots of love ure personal friend
Ah, Mr. Marteeni! Personal friend to We Are Scientists! Where have you been, sir? At sea? Exploring? Studying asses? Yes! Your passion is manifest! And contagious, as well, we might add! Now let’s see here, as to your inquiry, “Is bigger better when it comes to asses?”, the answer, unfortunately for your primly assed friend, is an emphatic YES. YES, bigger asses are not just quantitatively superior to small asses but also qualitatively superior. YES, people prefer big asses, unless they are perverts who, subconsciously or not, want to be fucking little kids. And YES, Mr. Marteeni, fucking kids, even just a little, is morally wrong; we’d been meaning to mention that to you for some time now, Mr. Marteeni — we only hope we’re not too late. Which is to say also, sir, that having a small ass is a morally detestable action and should be protested by men of conscience. Harness wind to sail and spread the word to all humankind, Mr. Marteeni! To all humankind!
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name: Eamonn
query: You know the formula for kinetic energy is:
[Kinetic energy = o.5 x mass x (speed x speed)]
I just wondered what kind of energy the band puts into a live performance, I was hoping they would work it out and get back to moi?

The answer is surprising! We did the calculations, and frankly even we were surprised by the result! “Which was?” you ask. 0!! Can you believe it? As we said, even we were quite surprised.
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name: Robin (again)
query: ok, so i took my exams and i stayed on at school. but im still in love damn you. she lives far away from me. help. argh! distance relationships do work right? tell me they work you scientist, instrument playing learned advisors of mine.
Long distance relationships do work, yes, for torturing yourself to death. For that, they are perfect. If what you’re after is emotional or sexual or intellectual satisfaction, then you’re much better off reading sci-fi books or watching Friends or getting big into model rockets.
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name: rusty
query: im worried about the size of my cats penis
the other cats are laughing

Perhaps it’s time you stop worrying this issue to death like some worry-soaked old maid and instead do something about it! Get your cat a cat-penis pump! They’re proven and effective! Your cat will experience substantial elongation and thickening of his penis after the first treatment! And then the limit is the sky! Whatever you do, don’t let your cat pump his penis up so big that he can’t walk owing to his overlarge penis! Then, perversely, you’ve got the other cats laughing at him again! Albeit more nervously than before!
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name: A well-wisher
query: This is not really a request for advice, but more a reversal of roles as I offer you my own nugget of wisdom. As a Briton I urge you, do not ever go near Lambrini again. It truly is the drink of 12 year olds who think they’re sophisticated but are simply misguided. Lambrini makes people ugly and stupid, and the only alcoholic beverage of less worth is in fact it’s cheaper alternative Lambrucini. Don’t go near that either.
By the way, kudos to you on your impressive eloquence.

Your point is well made, and we’re going to to take it under advisement. But now, so that we can better avoid this dreadful “Lambrucini”, be a good girl and tell us where it can be found. Go on then, where do they keep the Lambrucini? WHERE DO THEY KEEP THE GODDAMN LAMBRUCINI?
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name: lidz
query: This is a serious call for help (for once) scientists.I have to make a really big decision soon, and it is causing me to have constant brain overload!! I have to choose whether to go to college in england or stay in ireland. For a number of reasons i wanted to leave Ireland (cos i thought it was pretty shit) but now I’m not sure. My parents are blackmailing me to to stay here, but I don’t know what to do! I would love to move back to England. Man i am stressed. Everyones telling me to do different things!!!So I am asking everyone else what I should do, and then decide that way! So what do you think?
We think that’s the right way of going about it.
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name: lizz
query: was just wunderin if u could send me the lyrics to ur new song plz cos taz bin annoyin me wat they r lol!
Well, yeah, sure, we can do that. It’s a bit surprising to us that you’ve heard our new songs, to be honest — we’ve only played them in the practice space, and never with anybody outside the band present. But the last thing we want to be is annoyin, so here are those lyrics:

Ponies for Show
Girl, you been telling me things,
things I ain’t never seen, [backing: Things he ain’t never heard or seen]
stuff about this one guy
and his show ponies, and his show ponies
[backing: and his show ponies]
and his show ponies
[backing: they’re his show ponies]
and his show ponies
[backing: see the show ponies]
And girl I think I like you.
We’ve fun wherever we go.
You took me to the circus,
showed me ponies for show, showed me ponies for show
[backing: showed him ponies for show]
showed me ponies for show
[backing: took him to the circus, girl]
and showed me ponies for show
[backing: showed him ponies for show]
ponies ponies for show
[backing: ponies ponies for show]
ponies ponies for ponies
[backing: ponies ponies for show]
and ponies ponies for show
[backing: ponies ponies ponies ponies REPEAT]

Dwight, Troll
I met a man, a troll, today
He said his name was Dwight
I taught him what I knew of cards
And cards we played all night
Cards we played all night, hey!

Just kidding, we don’t have any new songs. Are you talking about the songs on the CD? You can’t understand what Keith’s saying? Really? Come on. Try super hard!
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name: RobbieM
query: You guys are really great musicians and as an aspiring rock star myself i was wondering if you could give me some advice on a problem i’m having, who should play Lt. Templeton “Faceman” Peck in a movie adaptation of the A-Team?
Well, Robbie, we can’t say for certain; this isn’t exactly our field of expertise, you know. But this much is objectively clear: you could do a lot worse than Keith for the role of Faceman in your film. Before you protest, consider his strengths:

  • He will work without pay, because he takes his wages in glory.

  • He looks vaguely like the actor who portrayed the Faceman in the original television series. Art Keating, was it? Mortimer Articking? We’re just joking, of course — we have no fucking clue what the actor’s name was.
  • Keith does his own stunts, so long as he never has to leave the ground, never has to move more than 3 mph, never has to invert his body or indeed lie down flat, never has to interact with machinery of any kind or even anything that converts potential energy to heat, never has to speak in a language other than English (as defined by the set of words and grammatical conventions with which Keith is already familiar), never has to wink or sneer, and never has to have his hair cut. Which saves you, the producer, a lot of money, having an actor who does all his own stunts.

kill, Amanda, Phoenix, Philly, Kathryn, Kev, Ralph, Ben

name: kill.them.with.kindness.
query: I like this guy and he likes me, I wanna ask him out but I dont know how…will you guys help me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! This is our area of expertise! Let’s say his name is George. What you want to do is pass him a note that says the following:

George, George, your name is George
Will you accompany me to the gorge?
There we will talk and chat and chatter
And eat sweet meats, and I’ll get fatter

Or let’s say his name is Prince:

Prince, prince, your name is Prince
Will you go with me to the fence?
There we will talk and chat and chatter
And eat sweet meats, and I’ll get fatter

So, the idea being that you need to give this guy something in verse or he probably isn’t even going to understand it. Guys are quite committed to the idea that poetry is the language of love; we dare say your fella is not an exception. So then, like, if his name is Mark, you might try something like:

Mark, Mark, your name is Mark
Will you come with me to the park?
There we will talk and chat and chatter
And eat sweet meats, and I’ll get fatter

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name: Amanda
query: do you guys like New Jersey?
Amanda,
Thank you for asking. The time has come to erase any confusion on this subject. There have been a lot of rumors, a lot of conjecture, a lot of, frankly, hoo-ha. May we officially go on the record as being completely in favor of New Jersey. What ever it is you guys are doing over there, it’s working; keep doing it. Seldom have we encountered a state lying immediately to the west of New York City, but New Jersey is just such a place.
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name: Phoenix
query: I have to do a sex dance at skool, we have to create the image of sex, we dont actually get down and dirty with r partner, and as u three men are extremly sexy, i was wondering if u knew any moves?!?
So, uh, “Phoenix”… what type of school is it that you’ve enrolled in, anyway? A trade school, perhaps? Well, never mind that. We’re here to help. It’s a shame, though, that your professor has specifically prohibited simply fucking your partner on stage (“getting down and dirty”, as you say), because one great way to create the image of sex through dance would be to get up there on stage and just kind of fuck around with a partner or a couple of partners — like, have sex. With a partner. That would definitely accomplish the assignment, so the caveat is a real drag.
Okay, but there’s another option. Can you use props? Let’s assume you can. So what you do is get a nice big desk up there — a solid, dark wood guy that the audience can’t see through. And then you stand against the far side of the desk, facing the audience, and you bend over the desk. And your partner comes up behind you, and both of your are naked, and he makes like he’s fucking you from behind. But check it out — you don’t really have sex! He never actually enters you! Your professor has no grounds for protest, and you have created the image of sex through classical dance, earning an A for the semester.
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name: come to philly !
query: i was thinking about asking out a boy that i have known for a while. i really like him, but is it a turn-off for a girl to make the first move? help me scientists… you’re my only hope.
No way; there’s nothing wrong with a girl making the first move. In point of fact, Michael Tapper patently refuses to make the first move. Any girl that’s ever “tasted of the Tapper” has made the first move. “Tasted of the Tapper” is a phrase Michael uses a lot. A couple of others he favors are: “Drink from the Tap”, “Tongue the Tap”, “Apply for and receive a gentle Tapping”, and “Grapple the Tapple”.
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name: kathryn
query: what should i do at uni? should i even go to uni? should i get a shitty job but be happy? should i just end it all now?
Let’s take those one at a time.
1) You should study bird physics; you’ve always loved the subject, and that counts for a lot.
2) No.
3a) Yes, do get as shitty a job as possible.
3b) If you get a sufficiently shitty job, the kind we’re recommending, happiness won’t be an option unfortunately.
4) Oh, don’t end it all now, for chrissakes. That’s so dramatic. You just need a change! Try applying for some courses over at the uni or getting a shitty new job.
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name: Leicester Kev
query: Are Keith and Michael annoyed that in the band section, Chris’ name is the only one that takes full advantage of the Coca Cola typeface???
It drives them to madness. Many long nights have Keith and Michael spent stumbling blindly across snow-whipped moors, shouting unintelligible rages into the white blanket void, their eyes crazed, lolling in teary sockets. Braying for solace into the world’s deaf ear.
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name: Ben
query: i sat by a fire all night trying to work this out, but had to give up as my face melted. please help! (with the question, the wonderful NHS sorted the face, with budgeted effects!)A cowboy in the American West, reconnoitring Native Indian territory, saw a band of two and half dozen warriors. Fearing he would be captured, he wanted to leave a message for his colleagues, who were following him, but he had no pen and no paper. in fact all he could find were five fencing posts. How, using them, could he pass on the information
Hey, Ben! This cowboy actually has a pretty broad range of messages he’ll be able to communicate using the fencing posts. By grouping them close together, he tells passers-by that there are five things (indian settlements? indians?) grouped near one another, somewhere, maybe nearby. By laying one post on the ground then laying another directly on top of that, then laying two more posts atop one another roughly two feet away and parallel to the first two, and then laying the last post perpendicular to and connecting the two stacks, the cowboy communicates that there is a bridge. Finally, he could make a desperate plea to the indian warriors that they use the five stakes to kill him; now when his compatriot cowboys find the stakes all driven through his chest and head and stuff, they’ll be aware that indians got him.

Tasha, Confused Girl, Frankie, Pedro, Tom, Dave G, James Brand, Mary, Fflur, Andrew

name: tasha
query: where can i find lyrics for your song nobody move, nobody get hurt. i can’t find them anywhere and i have noidea what you are saying in the song.
Keith usually works on the lyrics in this hard-bound black book of his; the lyrics to Nobody Move have got to be in there somewhere. You might even find early revisions or something cool like that. Maybe a version where he says,

My party, not your party!
I won’t permit your body
through my door nor ‘pon my floor
so be
thee
gone
just get
thee
lost, yeaah

or something along those lines. Maybe the verse would be,

If no
one moves
the stuff on the mantle my ‘rents
won’t know
You guys all came over and
smo-ho-hoked these drugs
‘n’ comported yourselves like thugs

Could be a treasure chest. Please keep us abreast of any findings.
—————
name: confused girl
query: hi…um i really need to avoid school tomorrow so i was wondering, how can i fake a fever? i already had one but now its fading and i need my head to be really hot or i have to go to school, so please help me!
Some viruses work very fast and should be able to put your temperature through the roof in plenty of time to get out school tomorrow. Contract Hanta, Ebola, Margsburg… hell, even a good strain of Influenza will have you sick as hell by morning! If you can’t get a good virus, we suggest the food poisoning route. Botulism will leave little doubt in mom’s head that school is the last place on Earth you need to be — you might even worm a hospital visit out of it.
—————
name: frankie
query: what is the critical angle of glass?
What do we look like, optics guys? Cuz we’ve gone to a great deal of trouble to hide it! So hopefully it wasn’t totally obvious! That we are in fact optics guys!
No but anyway, Frankie, in order to calculate that, you’re going to need a cut of reasonably pure glass that’s at least big enough to draw a 30″x30″ square in the center. Now position the pane horizontally on a couple of short saw-horses (any stand is fine) so that you have a sort of glass table, ideally around 2′ tall. Put a couple of stacks of magazines and a bowl of nuts and maybe a bowl of M&Ms on there; finish it off with a fresh, conservative flower arrangement in a nice vase. Now what you do is you get crouched down all low and slithery under this table and you wait for your friends to come over. And you just set down there under the glass like a snake in his hole. And you study your friends through the glass as they browse the magazines and graze on nuts. Your eyes all bugged out and your teeth bared, you just watch and watch and watch.
—————
name: Pedro
query: do you like girls with mullets?
Pedro,
Interesting question. We don’t not like girls with mullets. Not to say we don’t not not like girls with mullets either, of course. But do we like them, though? These girls with mullets? No, not really. Not because of their mullets or anything, it’s just… Well, you know what we mean.
—————
name: Tom
query: I’m hot, I get too much sex, and girls want me… but when I’m in a reltionship I feel a constant need to be a player, I feel a need for an ego boost. I need to be told Im pretty. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IM PRETTY! whats that all about
Well, Tom, probably what’s going on is that you’re conflating your physical beauty with more valuable qualities like character and intelligence. It’s understandable that you’d do this, because it’s convenient — as you said, you know you’re pretty. And so you have this frustrating situation where part of you collects girls because doing so verifies that you’re good-looking, which is what this part of you thinks is valuable. Then there’s the other, less conscious part of you; this part knows that beauty is a shallow achievement indeed, one worthy of little esteem compared to a gemstone like character; and your naughty side is continually proving to your subconscious side that you have no character. Which is where the disappointment comes from, the disappointment in yourself that, although you’re only dimly aware of it, compels you to complain to your friends and yourself and America’s Favorite Rock Band.
In sum, cowardice and mental laziness have resulted in your conviction that what you want is compliments on your appearance. If it really were confirmation of physical beauty you were after, though, you would be satisfied by now and would be capable of not cheating on people. What you in fact are after is the same thing you’re pissing away every time you philander. That is why you can neither stop cheating nor enjoy it for the “ego boost” you’ve convinced yourself it gives you.
Now that we’ve apprised you of the fact that you’re living in a stupid dream, you should be able to wake up from it if that’s really what you want. Please also forward us the phone numbers and iChat addresses of some of these hot ladies you’ve been cavorting with — they sound loose!
—————
name: dave g
query: I’m 16 years old guy and I have a problem I thought maybe you could help me with. I’m not the most experienced of people, and I was wondering if you could fill in my knowledge…what and where is the clitoris? I really want to impress my future first girlfriend so spare no detail…
The… the “clitoris”? Uh… And you say this has the power to somehow impress girls?
—————
name: james brand
query: how much would u pay someone to streak at your concert??
We would pay them with a smile and a nod. Maybe the flash of a camera if they were cute.
—————
name: Mary
query: You are playing in Manchester (my home) the night before my crucially important science modualars. Should I stay (at home) or should I go (to the gig)? Thank you and goodnight.
At times like this we have no problem being unabashedly selfish: stay at home and study for your test. There is just SOOOO much that we want science to invent as soon as possible.
—————
name: Fflur
query: I like you. Will one of you, or all of you be my boyfriends? If not, tell me if the boy I like a little likes me.
Yes to all queries. Now you’re in a bit of a pinch, aren’t you, Fflur?
—————
name: Andrew
query: How ca i get rich without doing anything at all? And i can’t play any instruments, so i can’t form a band or anything…
As far as we’re aware, there’s really no way other than being in a band for a person to reliably become extremely wealthy in the absence of any effort or skill. That is of course why we are all in a band. It’s too bad you weren’t born able to play instruments, as the inevitably rich members of the world’s bands were, because seriously: being in a band is zero parts time commitment, zero parts struggle, 2 parts huge wealth, 2 parts awesome parties, 1 part monstrous disgusting wealth, and 2 parts mind-rattling, math-defying wealthiness.
Probably the quickest way to effortless riches in your case would be to commit suicide and get reincarnated with musical ability.

Stu, Katie, Becky, Anthony, Ayla, Zennor, Jatil, Sarah, Rachel, Chris, Mat, Brad

name: Stu
query: i havnt really got a question but more a compliment. just been listening to ur songs on ur site and they’re amazing. good to finally hear sum catchy, musically technical and really pleasent songs. u guys are hard to come across and i really do hope u make big here in the U.K u have my support and i’ll hopefully b able to make it to atleast one of ur gigs.
happy playin,
Stu

Why can’t the rest of you be more like Stu? Unambiguous in your praise, open with your opinion, unafraid to stand up and laud the hell out of that which rings thy bell, the We Are Scientists. Teach them, Stu.
—————
name: Katie
query: I am debating whether or not to embark on a can of coke (or “Coke” if you’re being really picky about it) What do i do? Reply quickly, because if the answer is “Yes”, i might die of dehydration.. In which case I will make sure that you are held personally responsible for my death. Tatty-bye! xXx
We’re contractually forbidden from endorsing your consumption of Coke or any other Coca-Cola beverage. Now, PEPSI — there’s a delicious refreshment. Subtle flavor; carbonation gentle yet firm; evocative, romantic, precise coloration; classic logo. Don’t know, there’s just something about PEPSI. Right? And the whole family of PEPSI products, really. Just something about them.
—————
name: Becky
query: Reading your advice to other people I found myself deeply distressed by the number of semi-illiterate morons who use lower-case i’s and mis-use apostrophes. Can you not correct their puncuation before posting them on your website? And also how many buttercups do you think a girl could eat before she was seriously ill? (If you could respond to this quickly, that’d be good…)
How many buttercups could a girl eat before she were seriously ill, not was, Becky. And it looks like your rendition of punctuation is one t short. And lowercase is one word, not a hyphenate; so is misuse. And when you write them (“…before posting them on your website”), what are you referring to? Presumably you mean advice requests, but you’ve structured your sentence so that them refers to the “semi-illiterate morons”.
But all that’s neither here nor there! It has always been our belief that a girl of average weight and height and gastrointestinal capacity would be able to eat twenty or so buttercups before she died. Depending on esophageal durability, she could probably down the buttercups two or three at a time. For guys this number is slightly higher, and for labrador retrievers it goes up an order of magnitude.
—————
name: anthony
query: Me and this girl have been hanging out for about three months now. The thing is, i recently admitted to her that i have feelings for her. Unfortunately, she said she jsut wanted to be friends. I wish i could simply say “goodbye” i don’t want to hang out, but she hang’s out wiht my friends as well. What makes things worse is i get sad when she’s around my friends. I really need help. I don’t knwo what to do, how do i get over this girl?
Anthony: Your only option is to transcend the situation. And by that we mean begin wearing a fake beard and large black sunglasses and stop washing your hair. And draw a tattoo of a snake on both forearms and run everywhere you go, don’t ever walk. Also develop an intense curiosity about the exact distance between various objects; spend all your time measuring and noting down the distance between the top front left corner of your fridge and the closest edge of the cat’s water bowl, between the last digit on your car’s digital dash and the wasp nest up in the garage rafters. Become this person and within six months we guarantee you will literally not even remember this girl’s name.
—————
name: ayla
query: were did you get the name
Parents.
—————
name: Zennor
query: I have a science exam in two days. It is very very likely that i will fail, as the science classrooms serve more as a social area to us. Is there anything you can do to help?
Yes we could come to your class and take the test for you and fucking ace that thing to such a degree that your teacher will be left wondering what the hell is going on in the world that any one person (you) should know so many rock hard facts concerning science. Where is your test and at what time and is this a No. 2 pencil type of test or a black ballpoint pen type of test, if you know what we mean.
—————
name: jatil
query: how do i get over a girl with whom i was madly in love? how do i erase all thoughts from my mind?
Well, you’ve answered the first question all by yourself: you get over a girl by erasing all thoughts from your mind. But so how do you go about the erasure? Maniacal tasks. Maniacal tasks are the answer, and we’ll tell you what we’re talking about, because there is one that works best. Go to a pet store and get yourself a hedgehog, an adult hedgehog — most mall pet stores will have no problem filling this order. Get this creature back to your pad and put him in a terrarium (a fish tank with no water is fine) — give him some sawdust or cedar chips to stand on — and get yourself a thousand redbulls and sit there right in front of the terrarium in a wooden chair and watch the hedgehog and don’t take your eyes off of him and don’t feed him or interact with him in any way. Watch him for a month. After a week or so he’ll die. Don’t take your eyes off of him for a full month. At the end of this month, you will be free.
—————
name: Sarah
query: hey! my bro is graduating, and as i hate the idea of spending a full day in a state of bordom, i want to liven it up a bit. Punk style clothing would amuse me… although my lack of piercings would make it knda unconvincing, then there is always the possiblity of wearing huge sunglasses and imitating a minor celeb, something on tht kind of scale. Amusing, but not highly embarrasing. I want dirty looks, but also to appear too intimidating to be approached, (also not by the wrong people, so whore clothing is out) A wonderwoman suit however takes things too faar! Now you know my limits, what should i wear to a graduation?
Sarah,
Thank you for thinking of us for this job. Here is what you need to do: Get a professional to build a remote control dummy about the size of a 6 year old child — 2 feet tall or so. Dress this dummy in the clothes that you would normally wear if you were going to dress blandly for a graduation — use your actual clothes so that they are rumpled and over-large on the dummy. You yourself should wear white pants and a white t-shirt and white shoes and socks. And so what you do is you walk around right next to the dummy, guiding its movements using the remote control, and whenever people try to talk to you you completely ignore them, you keep your eyes fixed on the dummy, and you make the dummy look at the person trying to engage you and you cause the dummy to raise its hand and kind of wave. Keep staring at the dummy and keep that dummy waving until they walk away.
—————
name: Rachel
query: heya, u dudes sound hot! erm, here’s the thing, i am a girl and i was going out with a girl, we split up because everyone in school found out, now i feel lonely and really crap becaise i know when i go back to school every1 will be gossiping about me! aaaah! its all poo! what do u guys think?
Rachel, 14 years old
xXx luv u guys

Dear Rachel,
Poo is right; that whole deal sucks. Sounds like you’re going to have to step up and become the kid who’s defiantly herself at an age when most kids have no fucking clue what that entails. You’ve got a tough road ahead, but you’re learning some valuable things; these things you learn will either turn you into a bitter, unlikable bastard, or they’ll make you a prematurely self-aware child genius of emotion. Please aim for the latter, and please tell the haters at school that We Are Scientists would laugh if they got into a car accident.
—————
name: Chris
query: I’m considering starting up a rock band consisting of myself a group of sock puppets. Is this wise? If so, where can I find instruments small enough for the puppets to play?
You will need to fashion the instruments. But yeah, that’s a very wise idea unless you hate money.
—————
name: mat
query: hey, anyhoo, all my friends say i talk really fast but really i don’t, they just talk real slow(i think they have problems), and if i tried talking slow it’d be boring coz then i’d think of something else coz i have a real short attention span and i’d say something new halfway through my… i just saw you guys on mtv2, nobody move. Was that a real teddy bear? anyway, living in the north east of england, my question is,
do you like toast as much as me?
greatly appreciated, ^

Hey, Mat. MAT. MAAAAT!! Mat shut the fuck up for five seconds! Just shut the fuck up! Mat, Mat, Mat, you MUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Okay. Better. Now listen. Just keep your goddamn tasmanian devil-mouth shut for a minute and fucking LISTEN, alright? Okay, here’s the thing, Mat. You do talk too fast — way too fast. We’ve only known you for five minutes now and already the temptation to whack you on the skull with a sap is almost irrepressible. You need to calm the fuck down. You should probably start smoking pot or get on a regular course of valium or something. Anything to tranquilize that hummingbird in your head. Maybe just stick your head into a bucket and get it stuck in there for five or ten minutes — this happened to our cat with a water glass and he was pleasantly gum-brained for the rest of his days. The point is that your friends can’t be expected to hang out with a dude whose controls have somehow got stuck on fast-forward. If you want to maintain relationships with other humans, you need to somehow increase the viscosity of your mind. Either that or rig up a breathing device that infuses your air with helium so you always talk in that chipmunk voice; this might make you seem novel instead of maddening.
—————
name: Brad
query: Benedict is a pretty crappy middle name in this day and age after the great depression up to today and its tomorrows (-_-) Any ideas on how to make it sound any cooler? It makes for fun initials though – BBC =D
The easiest way to make the name Benedict sound cooler is to shorten it to Edict. And then start going by that, and also talk about yourself in the third person. Cuz it’s a hot enough name that you can get away with that, you know? Another fashionable thing kids are doing these days is throwing accents all over their names, so maybe you could just start spelling it B�nedict. Or B�n�d��!. But still pronounce it “Benedict”. And then always write it in red, and make that part of the spelling; if anybody writes your name in black pen, start putting off major attitude and tell them they misspelled it. That’s some pretty current stuff we’d suggest.

Robin, Anon, Tania, Kirsty, Inmate #314159265, Emily, Keith, Michael, and Chris, Eman, Justin Rudder and Christian Rice, Anonymous Man-Person, Ian

name: Robin
query: should i leave skool and not take my exams all in the name of love?
Robin,
Only you can answer that question for yourself. Your answer is ‘yes’.
—————
name: Anon
query: if you were going to tell a guy you really really liked him and wanted him to respond in a good way, like being happy about it, how would you do it? what do I say to him?
It’s crucial that the guy be into you as well. The methods you use to reveal your ardor almost become irrelevant if the guy to whom the revelation is made dislikes or even despises you. That’s because if he finds you repellent, there’s not going to be anything positive for him in learning of your affection. At best, your announcement will strike him as irrelevant. But it stands a good chance of really grossing him out.
In sum, before you expend too many nights slugging Red Bull, fine-tuning blue prints, blurting equations out onto the chalkboard in an illegible scrawl, anxiously flicking the propeller on your thinking cap — before you do too much more of that, maybe confirm that this guy even likes you, you know? For all you know, this guy hate hate hates you. Hates you. And your loathsome ways.
—————
name: Tania
query: Hi sooooooo my story is like this : this guy, Raymond he’s in my grade and i like him very very much since LAST year. He is very attractive, friendlycute, handsome, sexy, damn hot……oh well! u know i cant figure it out if he feels the same way as i do.well he does give me his attractive,naughty looks in the classroom as if he feels the same way n so do i.but we hardly talk to each other mayb bcoz we’re jus shy or too attracted to talk.Besides he’s already got a girlfriend from some other grade. m wanna hold him,kiss him,talk 2 him,jus look at him.But d problem is HOW?how do i talk 2 him,how do i tell him my feelings besides wat if he says that he doesnt like me or he’s got a galfriend of course,that would be embarrasing!
Tania,
You owe it to yourSELF to go after this guy. If you don’t you’ll spend the rest of your life wishing you had, wondering what might have been, cursing those chromosomal threads that resulted in the tableau of cowardice that is you. You say he gives you attractive, naughty looks? Well that’s a great sign. That the two of you have never spoken is less great, as is the pre-existing girlfriend from another grade. But goddamnit, Tania, you know what you want and it’s time to go get it. Right now you’re a child in her bedroom gazing out the window at the beautiful weather, wanting to go out and play with the bees and the sunrays and the petulant muskrats, but worried about whether Mom will let her out before her homework’s done and not really wanting to walk down all those stairs and knowing anyway that the muskrats might be off knocking rocks into the river somewhere, and what we’re telling you here is to slide open the window and get the hell out there.
—————
name: Kirsty
query: Right i play guitar, i bit crapply but hey i play guitar, do u have any advice on how to get a band considering i live in the middle of nowhere and i’m a girl and all the musicians i know are sexist bout girls being in rock bands! HELP
Kirsty,
Our advice is to engage the classic comic film trope where you disguise yourself as a boy and show up at school as the new (male) kid who just moved to town and wants to start an awesome rock band. Let it get out that your dad is a star soccer player and that your older brother is under consideration to be the new James Bond and that your uncle was in the Kinks. Your cred will instantly rocket to a dizzying height, and you should have no trouble recruiting a crack team of preteen thrashers. You get the band together, you develop a secret crush on Johnny the rhythm guitarist (who is caught off guard by how much more empathetic you are than the other dudes he knows), you lead the crew to victory at the regional battle of the bands, then, the night before the national battle of the bands, you reveal to Johnny your true identity. Johnny initially balks at the revelation, feeling betrayed because you’ve been lying to him, but then he realizes that you’re right, there’s no fuckin’ way he’d have ever joined a band with a chick in it, and then the two of you share a red-hot PG kiss on the lips and head off to the national BOTB where you perform as a girl and your band (The Gift Horses) triumphs, winning you a half-set on the mainstage at Glastonbury and the admiration of your peers and respect of your parents and even a pejorative comment from Liam Gallagher in the following week’s NME.
—————
name: Kirsty
query: I really need to knoe about chinese firedrill etiquette but the link won’t work. HELP please and if u could help me with the fact that every year my bloody family drags me camping to the New Forest. Thus i have no guitar and eventually my mp3 runs out of batteries again Help Me Please
The link has been restored; feast your yearning mind. As to your family’s annual retreat, has it occurred to you that if you spent less time bemoaning your situation and more time discovering the magical offerings of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The New Forest, you’d go all year anticipating the trip instead of dreading it? Come on, Kirsty! You’ve got your guitar 51 weeks out of 52! Take just a handful of days out of your summer to appreciate the New Forest’s proud unicorns, roving manticores, friendly giant caterpillars; its two-headed brown bears and French-speaking bats; its rivers full of jewel-eyed fish and the tiger-striped serpents that feed on them. For chrissakes, even you should be able to enjoy an afternoon of light hallucination in the Meadow of Reflection on Past and Future! Our suggestion, Kirsty, is that you adjust your attitude. Do you realize there are people all over the world who’ve never played gin rummy with a werewolf?
—————
name: Inmate #314159265
query: i’ve been wondering about this for about 15 minutes now, and was wondering if maybe you could help me out. why is water wet? also, what is the origin of dirt? finally, any advice for a guy doing time for a crime he may not have been sober enough to commit looking to break out of the pen?
Dear 314159265,
Very nice, very cute, the way you threw in two diversionary questions that don’t really mean anything to you, maybe just to get yourself talking, until you could bring yourself to write about what’s really on your mind: what is the origin of dirt? Well, it’s a damn respectable question, and there’s no reason you needed to be shy about posing it. The fact is most people wonder where dirt came from, and if they had the good common sense you do to ask us, well then, like you, they’d find out the answer! You see, it’s an age-old question, yes, and it has the tenor of something almost philosophical in nature, something like ‘why is space so big?’ But actually the mystery of dirt’s origin is pretty simple: basically, it’s from rocks; rocks erode over time, crumble, and form dirt.
—————
name: Emily
query: Did you enjoy our humble island.
If you’re talking about the Island of Contemplation, which we were visiting just a moment ago, staring off into nowhere for ten or twenty minutes as though in a waking dream, then yes, we enjoyed your humble island very much.
—————
name: Keith, Michael, and Chris
query: Thanks for the watermelon. I am you… is that funny? Seriously, though, why?
What is this, some kind of freaking joke? We know damn well we didn’t write that question. Who do you think you’re fooling? Seriously, who? You think you’re a big legendary prankster because you lied when you filled out the form to submit an advice question? You think that makes you smart? Hardly, dude. You know what? Your friends are laughing at you right now. Behind your back. They’re joking around about how your personality is the perfect blend of fucking liar and guy with a tiny dick. One of your friends just spit out a bite of pizza because he was laughing so hard; specifically, he was laughing because your other friend put his hand down his pants and stuck his pinky finger out his zipper and started telling big fat lies in a near-flawless impersonation of you, their so-called good buddy the liar.
—————
name: Eman. That’s name backwards.
query: I am thirty-seven, she is fifty-eight. That means nothing, does it not? I thought you guys made sense, then I bought an ironing board. Perhaps another enrollment fee would be helpful worthy of upside down pop/rock? It’s almost, like, cylindrical…
I’ll tell you what’s cylindrical is a glossy doob. Tip one into relapse and it’s Fr�re Jacque on repeat, your hat leather, the other fella floating down the Ganges.
—————
name:Justin Rudder and Christian Rice
query: We do not exist. Why do we not exist? Is it because we are useless hybrids of otherwise awesome people?
That’s not the reason, no. There are many useless hybrids of otherwise awesome people alive and kicking. Take Skeet Ulrich. He’s a useless hybrid of Johnny Depp and a dead Johnny Depp. Or chihuahuas. They are useless hybrids of dogs and cats.
Who knows why you don’t exist. Are you sure you don’t? Try buying something. If you’re able to buy something then you absolutely do exist. This may be the only valid test of existence in today’s world.
—————
name: anonymous man-person
query: Why am I not as good-looking as, say, Dave Lowensohn?
Proportionally, your nose is almost bizarrely small, yet with very large, upward-tilted nostrils, like a hyena’s. Your teeth are straight and everything, but, like, too straight; they’re small, obsessively aligned, sharp-looking, and bleached-bone white. And christ, your ears. Perennially red, swollen — do you box or something? Do you get hit in the ears all the time? Or do you maybe keep falling on your ears? Your eyes are icy blue, really far apart, really big, really fucking scary — two lakes of glacial emptiness with evil fish swimming around occasionally catching the light. Your jaw is a horseshoe, your forehead a car bumper, your cheek bones 64-sided dice; your hair is a hat made of sea urchins.
Dave Lowensohn, on the other hand, is simply “ugly”.
—————
name: ian
query: I don’t want any advice, please?
That’s a shame, because you desperately need it. How ’bout a story, then. Once there was this kid named Ian who had a bad habit that he couldn’t seem to kick: he liked to fire his gun in malls. Often people got hurt when he went shooting in malls, and even when people didn’t get hurt Ian got into big trouble for reckless endangerment. And of course whenever people died, as they sometimes did, there would be loads of complications for Ian. So one day Ian was sitting there rotting in jail when one of the guards appeared at the bars. “Is it true that you never wanted to hurt anybody, you just love to shoot your gun in malls?” said the guard. “Not even necessarily in malls,” said Ian. “I just love to shoot my gun.” Then the guard said, “I think I may have a solution for you,” and he told Ian about firing ranges. “It’s where a person can go and shoot at a target in a safe environment,” said the guard. “Don’t you still sometimes hit the people standing around at the firing range?” asked Ian. “No,” said the guard, “because there’s a specific area for shooting where you shoot in a specific direction, and nobody’s allowed to be hanging around in that direction.” Ian thanked the guard for his advice and said if he ever got out he’d clean up his act, but he never did get out because of all the folks that got shot before he heard about firing ranges.
Ian, we know you don’t want any advice, but we’re giving it anyway: Stop having unprotected sex! To do so with all the viruses you have in your blood is terribly irresponsible!

Justin, Rob Brill, Ammy, Bix, BridgettheMilf, Fresh New Face, Guest154, Ellie, Mizzaya, Erin, Claire Morley, Matthew, Theodora, Lydia, Liana, Jon, Sparkz, Suzie, Ethan

name: Justiin
query: Well you see theres this girl I like but Im not sure if she exactly likes me yet. We always get along and everything. I always make her laugh and everything but Im not sure. What’s your opinion?
This girl who, as you say, laughs when you are making jokes and who gets along with you and enjoys your company in times of languor and repose and even, let it be said, has occasionally been seen to touch your arm or to grip your shoulder or thigh, if you are seated and have made her laugh — this girl, you and she have made love to each other? This detail which you left out of your confession is perhaps the most important detail in resolving whether this person is infatuated with you. Therefore, ask yourself this: have I made love with this girl, perhaps each afternoon? If you are in a position to answer yes, then consider that this girl is yours for the taking and the time is ripe to make your first move.
—————
name: Rob Brill
query: Does the fun ever start with you guys?! Cheers
Dear Rob,
The fun starts here:




—————
name: ammy
query: you guys are such
Potent artists. Consummate kissers. Humble servants of the almighty dollar. Top notch egotists. Refreshingly sedate political thinkers. The list goes on and on and tirelessly ever on.
—————
name: bix
query: what kind of guitar should i get? i want to shred like p. diddy with a
mohawk.

Bix,
Get yourself a Fender Squire Telecaster and then restring it with threads of fire and sandpaper the body and paint it the color of deforestation and then replace the neck with a leopard’s femur and the nobs with unpolished diamonds and bam you’re ready to go. It’s a custom job but any decent guitar shop should be able to do it for you.
—————
name: BridgettheMilf
query: HEY! I don’t really have a question but…I’m the momma from Atkins, AR. That’s me and my boy you got on your site. He looooved the show, that was the first one I’ve taken him to since he’s been old enough to know what’s going on around him(he’s 14 months old now) You should definitely come back sometime. Oh, I thought of a question: Isn’t my baby the most rockin’est cutest little boy you’ve ever seen???
Bridget,
It was the first show we’ve played with one so young in the audience. To be sure, it lent a protean electricity. And the answer to your question is yes. Our question to you: can he sell merch? Does he want to do some touring this summer?
—————
name: fresh news face
query: Allright, this looks like the place to get some fashion advice…. I’m really wanting to awe everyone without having to use the smooth talking. I need to know how to have proper style, more style than ever.
Glad you stopped by. Check it out. The key to proper style has been right in front of you this entire time. People ask us Guys, how do you fuckin’ do it? Look so good, lay down the blanket of awe, without ever opening your mouths? We pull out a flask and take a few swigs of The Drink. Then we stare at the questioner. If they still don’t get it we take another big pull on the flask. Then we kind of wink knowingly. The secret, you see, to dropping proper style is to be a servant of The Drink. Have that shit at hand like an I.V., constantly dripping into you, constantly fueling your fashion. Take shots. Chug pints. Slurp wine from goblets. Have you ever heard the phrase “fashionably drunk”? No. Because it’s redundant. “Drunk” means “fashionably drunk”. One time this girl came up to Michael and said to him “My god you’re looking stunning right now. Stunning and elegant and refined yet alert.” He was wearing a blue swimsuit and a Corona Beer tank-top. But he was drunk as fuck. His eyes were rolling up in his head and he could barely balance on all fours. He looked great and he knew it.
—————
name: guest154
query: I’m playing chess with this kid from Europe and he is making me question my reasons for living, how do I get Europe chess skills?
Hey. The secret that the Europeans know that very few Americans know which allows for such consistent, tactical play on the Europeans’ part is this: When the Europeans practice, they play with all pawns — no rooks, knights, queens, kings, masons, elves, or dolphins. The result is that when they sit down across from an American with the old checkered place mat on the table between them like an eerily geometric oil-and-vinegar spill, it’s almost too easy what with all those pieces that can move in funny, big ways, like the mason, which can leap the opponent’s pieces in a graceful arc and land without a splash on the other side and then do whatever. The other thing you’ll find Europeans doing is practicing in clothing several sizes too small and soaking wet with a fan pointed at them blowing wintry cold air, so basically they’re very uncomfortable and when they play against you, an American, they wear a nice pair of trousers that fit and maybe a smoking jacket and slippers and they adjust the temperature just so, and it just couldn’t be any easier to beat you under those conditions. How, then, do you acquire these skills? Beat them at their own game. Practice in the most uncomfortable, hobbling conditions you can possibly contrive. Practice with a hawk perched on your face. Practice with your hands covered in chocolate sauce. Practice with Will & Grace on TV in the next room. Then, when next you meet a euro in gentleman’s battle, allow yourself the finest comforts. Have apples at the ready to eat. Have some nice raisins. Wear a walkman and listen to Sublime. Victory will come as naturally as drawing breath. In fact, it will come as does drawing breath when you’ve been in a car accident and are in the hospital hooked up to a breathing machine — that is to say, you will not be able to avoid victory even if you decide you might like to.
—————
name: Ellie
query: What am I to do? I am addicted to eBay. I have bought everything from customised union jack guitar picks to a laptop, with tshirts, cds, minidiscs, guitars, amplifiers and a headless chicken inbetween. Ok, I added the chicken part. HELP ME!
Ellie,
You “added the chicken part”, but what about the headlessness? Did you add that or was that true? Because what really interests us is what you managed to get on eBay that had been decapitated. Call our fascination morbid, we’ve gotta know! You really got something “headless” off eBay? God, what could it be, what could it be, what could it be?! This is killing us! What the hell did you manage to get! Are we talking, like, illegal shit here? Black market shit? Maybe we don’t want to know! Don’t implicate us in the crime or anything! No but seriously, what did you get that was headless?
—————
name: Mizzaya
query: So I bought this stupid polka dot plant for 2$ at a campus plant sale last semester. It used to be cute and bushy, but has now turned into this monstrous thing with hairy flowers and long, spindly protrusions. However, the middle part is still cute and bushy. I just dont trust this plant anymore. Should I…kill it? Fork it over to someone else? Ignore it completely? It was 2 bucks after all. I’d say I got my money’s worth a long time ago.
You need to kill this plant before it grows a dick and starts fucking your cat, for chrissakes.
—————
name: Erin
query: Hey i am youg and guys think i look way older and i keep on getting scared like of cousre i lied to thme but my friends like tell me not ot i try soo hard and i am soo scared these guys might stolk me
Hmm. That sucks. Unfortunately nothing can really be done.
—————
name: claire morley
query: hi i’m trying to find out which nail extensions would be the best for me and which ones i should stay clear of what’s the advantages and disadvantages please
Well, basically, if you get pink ones, you may come off kind of prostitute-y, but with the right outfit it can be cute. Red is more traditional but not as fun and noticeable, and after all you’re not doing this so people will keep ignoring you, right? I mean, you’re not doing this so that it can continue to be the case that when you go to a party you end up standing in an abandoned corner or on the fire escape or sitting in the stairwell, your vision swollen by tears. You’re not doing this so that you can pass yet another birthday sitting at home with a bottle of wine waiting vainly for the phone to ring; or, worse still, hanging out at a bar with your closest friends who not only are completely unaware that it’s your birthday but actually end up sticking you for a few rounds of drinks, as was the case two years ago. You’re not doing this nail thing so that drunk guys will continue to slyly and with complete sincerity ask your cute friend if you’re her boyfriend or maybe just a gay pal. No, you’re doing this so that next time you take a week’s vacation you won’t end up spending it alone at a ski cabin in Vermont watching network TV. So that next time you dip into a pet store to see about buying a friend the puppies won’t act like they’d legitimately prefer to stay in their chicken wire cages with the piss-soaked newspaper flooring than go home with you. So that next time you’re at Wendy’s ordering a baked potato and chocolate shake the slightly hot fratboy behind the counter won’t absent-mindedly tell you “That’ll be six fifty-nine, sir.” Maybe something darker, something in the eggplant kingdom?
—————
name: matthew
email: matthewddp@aol.com
query: my name is matthew. my friends think that i have a small penis. i dont know if it is big or small. is 8 cm penis big or small. i am 13 years old can u help me with my quiestion. please tell me if it is big for my age or not
Hmmm… eight centimeters… you’d have to put that into inches for us, to be honest. But really, your friends wouldn’t make a point of telling you how small your penis is unless it were pretty darn small, right? Figure probably not. Our guess, then, is that you’re working with some undergrown gear. Fear not, though! You will come to learn that the size of your penis is actually not that important, particularly when it comes to getting a good job or acquiring a taste for wine or things like this. With sex having a good-sized penis is definitely crucial, but sex isn’t everything in life, especially later in life, during the “golden years”. At that time sex-drive tapers and you’re able to shrug off concerns of penis size and focus on your coin collection and writing your terrifically boring memoirs.
—————
name: theodora
query: today i was pondering the state of board games. compared to the games of yesteryear (parcheesi, monoploy, chutes & ladders, etc.) how do today’s board games rate? and equally, if not more importantly, what does this shift or stasis communicate about the effect of we are scientists on popular culture? plus would you like me more if i was a chess champ or a twister trophy holder? (i know, the aliteration is amazing) thanks for your much needed help.
~theodora

Okay, so, one thing at a time. If you’re wicked hot, we’d prefer that you be a titan of twister, cuz the flexibility and dexterity implied by twister skills means you’d probably be fun at sex. If you’re wicked nasty, physically, then your being highly flexible and athletic would just make us want to barf more, whereas agility of the mind — which a chess queen would certainly possess — would at least allow us to have interesting and enjoyable conversations with you. Cuz like, an ugly person who’s all peppy and into twister and is always spontaneously doing jumping jacks with a grin full of braces on her face — that’s puke fuel. That’s a dick deflation device par excellence (check the alliteration!).
As to your questions about board games of yesteryear and how they compare to today’s and what that implies about the band, we don’t really care about that kind of stuff.
—————
name: lydia
query: wow this shit is for real? i thought it was made up by a bunch of stoners. just wanted to confirm that. oh yeh and keith is hot. does he like english chicks? thanks bye! xxx
You pose an interesting ontological assertion: that things made by stoners are not real. Ultimately, as you surely realize, it’s problematic — it wouldn’t be difficult to come up with some examples of real things that stoners have made (sandwiches, footprints, disappointment). Nevertheless, what you write is compelling. Has a stoner ever made anything that actually mattered in any way? Has one ever created something that, were it to suddenly vanish from the world, would be missed? And if a thing exerts such little friction on the things around it, if a thing can truly be said to act on nothing and react to nothing… well does it really exist in any meaningful sense?
Thanks for the interesting query! We’ll continue to ponder!
—————
name: liana
query: we should sleep together sometime, yes?
Liana,
Sorry we took so long to answer this! Obviously the question is now irrelevant.
—————
name: jon
query: iwont to fuck someone
What you do is you go to some party at the house of some dudes that you hate and you go into the bathroom and take a shit not in the toilet bowl but in the tank and you close it up. The place will stink for weeks and the assholes will have no idea what’s going on, why their toilet keeps filling up with smelly, slightly brackish water every time they flush. This is called “upper decking” and it’s considered a checkmate.
—————
name: sparkz
query: How do i get over the girl i have liked for 1 year?
Marry her.
—————
name: Suzie
query: I need help with my heavy stinky corns. And when I try to fix them my hook gets in the way. I can’t even finger myself anymore.
About this you must tell no one.
—————
name: ethan
query: dear tWAS
my friends tell me if i go by my middle name of lee i will be sexier
are they correct?
ethan

Lee,
In many ways Lee is a sexier name than Ethan. Though it’s interesting to note that both are unisex names. Not to say that makes them less sexy — quite the opposite. The truth is, both names are on the sexy end of the scale:

Maybe the thing to do is to go by Lee when you’re on a hot date, but otherwise hang on to Ethan. Try to insinuate to your date that calling you Lee makes her special.

“Call me Lee”
“I thought your name was Ethan”
“Uhhh…”

That sort of thing. Best of both worlds.

Matt, Abbey, Debbie, Lee, Danielle, Ayla Morphew, Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, Natalie, Gina, Steph, TG, Erin, Jon Zinnerman, Aaron Carter, Ethan Fogus, Electricia, Dustin, Andrew Bauer, Art Vandelay, Shira, Johnny

name: matt
query: ok.. well i have been with this girl for nearly 2 years but she broke up with me because of year 12 she thinks im gonna get in the way i told her i wouldnt because i wont her to do her best unlike me who didnt finish but she still doesnt believe me..im pretty destroyedd i cant get on with life i started a stupid drug habbit to stop the pain and unfortunantly its working but i dont want to get over her like that.. just last night she called me and told me her parents are moving to greece so she has to go so now im totallllllly destroyed.. i need help.. how do u get over a girl who u have been with for so long and just cant see urself without?? if u can help thankyou….
mattty…

Matty, go to college. Girls everywhere!
—————
name: abbey
query: i need to convince my mom to get me a dog, but how?
Pretty sure we’ve answered this exact question before, maybe several times. Too lazy to check. Anyway, maybe it’s you, Abbey, who keeps writing, and our solutions keep failing, but for some reason you persist in thinking we have the answer. Well you know what? You’re right, we do have the answer. Here’s what you do. Tell your mom that dogs? Dogs are fun. And people? People like fun, they love it. And what else is fun? Getting bad grades and playing with weapons. So, y’know, basically it’s her call, but you’re going to have to get some fun, and if it’s not by hanging out with your dog all day, it’s going to be by blowing off class and getting some nice guns and throwing stars.
—————
name: Debbie
query: I know this band, and they’re name is We Are Scientists, and they purport to live in NYC, yet play no shows there. So i have this bet going with a friend; help us decide the winner. Is this the direct result of the pull of the moon’s gravity, like the tides, or has one of the band members succumbed to gingavitis? Thanks, i’m really looking forward to my 5 bucks…
Deb,
This bet, it’s intriguingly limited in its scope. Are you sure it’s either the moon or gingivitis that’s to blame? Are you sure illiteracy’s not the problem? Your illiteracy, Debbie? Check the Shows page, Debbie! April 15 at CBGB! May 21 at the Tank!
—————
name: lee
query: to light a candle is to cast a shadow. what’s up with THAT?
Yes, and to love is to lose, and to skip stones is to drown them. What’s the problem exactly?
—————
name: Danielle
query: I suffer from Extreme Boredom, I try to spend my time doing things such as … well nothing. I’m one of those people in school which the teachers say “has great potential” and “is very bright”, but “doesn’t put in enough effort”. The truth is, I just can’t be arsed! Have you guys got a cure for me? Luv n peace Dan x
Yes! Here it is: In fifty to sixty years, you’ll be dead, Dan. At some point during this period you’ll realize there are at least a dozen things you’d like to do with your life. Most likely this realization will come too late, and in place of a well spent existence you’ll have a rueful, regret-soaked last ten years, years your breast will swell as it won’t have swollen since you were a teen, but where blood and hope once sprung will instead run bile thick and black with loss.
—————
name: Ayla Morphew
query: hi i am thirteen and go to junior high i want to go to a high school dance tomarro and my mom wont let me my high school freind got me a pass to go but we changed my name my mom says it is fraud so then we change it back to mine she still wont let me go and i dont know why?
Ayla,
Yes yes, the old mom-won’t-let-me-go-to-the-dance-cuz-I-forged-my-pass-and-stuff issue. We get letters about this all the time. We’ll tell you what we’ve always told people in the past: What the fuck are you talking about? None of that shit you wrote up there makes sense.
—————
name: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
query: uuuuuuuuu
Very funny, Mr. President. Don’t you have better things to do with your time?
—————
name: natalie
query: So somehow I ended up at grad school in a scientific field, despite my liberal arts background, which involved my going to desperate lengths to avoid taking science classes. But basically I’m here to use science to answer questions about what I REALLY care about–language. I feel like I don’t belong. How can I be a PhD student in a scientific field? How did you become scientists? Do I need to start a band first?
Natalie,
U sound hott! Send pic!
—————
name: Gina
query: Hello, my names Gina as you can see above. Um, I dunno I’m jus really head over heels for this guy. Oh wow i dont know how much you cant write on here but here goes. So i met em December 2004 at a Christmas party i attended with my guy friend Aaron, Chris (the guy i like) works with Aaron or used to anyways. I thought he was the hottest guy id ever seen and he was there with another girl she was adorable , real sweet (jess is her name) anyways chris asked aaron about me at work n told aaron i was real attractive n he thought i was cool, so aaron gave em my number and we have hung out a few times, i have slept with him, and i dont sleep with any random guy, it took soo long but i eventually jus said F it and did it because i had the biggest feeling for this guy. Hes in Alberta right now for 3 months for fire traning and i miss him terribly hes been gone for around 4 weeks er so maybe less and hes only called me once, he told me that he doesnt havea phone in his room and he has to walk a long ways to a pay phone and he jus got a phonecard i dunno maybe he doesnt wanna get distracted at work but ya i think the best thing to do is jus wait for him to come around, i mean he did the calling when he was down i never called em, i jus really like em a lot and i dunno if u guys believe in the astrological compatibility stuff but im a gemini and hes a cancer and its not a match made in heaven, i just am bumming here which sucks. i jus miss em, does it mean he doesnt like me if he hasnt called? if he gets back n continures calling me like he used to should i stop seein em cause he only wants to sleep with me? i dont know help!!
Gina,
Does this fellow like you as much as you like him? No. He likes fire more than he likes you; you presumably like him more than fire. Do you know how we know this? Is it because of the gemini/cancer shit? No. Is it because we happen to know he does have a phone in his room? No; we can’t possibly know that. We know he likes you less than you like him because you know it and you wrote it all over the page up there. So the thing is for you to acknowledge that now. Once you’ve done that, you can keep seeing him or not, but with your eyes open. Keep having sex with him if you like it. Stop if you only did it because you thought you might marry him someday. Never will this come to pass. Meanwhile, feel free to date other people while he’s in Alberta, because firefighters have sex with each other; it’s a well-known fact, it’s all part of the game.
—————
name: Steph
query: Who’s your daddy?
Dear Steph,
Sired by Lightning, we were nevertheless raised by Fire and mentored by Dark Matter.
—————
name: T.G.
query: i met a girl in summer school who i have been in touch with and see at least once a week ever since…the problem she has told me she likes me but she has a boy friend she wants to be with for at least the next year…we both know there is a chance of having a future together but it isnt going to happen any time soon. We both need to move on, but that is where i am having trouble. I fear if i get over her i we wont have intrest ever again…and she cant be the one that gets away…i need your opinion because i can no longer deal with this mental burden. thanks.
T-bone,
We admire your dedication to a principle: she can’t be the one that gets away. Well, if you don’t mind waiting the year or so for her to complete the album cycle with her current beau, then it seems to us you’re fine. You say you’re worried that if you move on now, if you “get over her”, you won’t be capable of rekindling interest in the future. Let us assure you, TG, that your fears are baseless. People don’t lose interest in each other, not before they’ve been together on at least a hundred distinct occasions. Even then, all they need is a couple of months or years apart and the interest will have reappeared, somewhat magically. No, you’ll find in life that having interest in other people is easy — there are so many very interesting people! What’s difficult is deciding when and in whom to express your interest. There’s your mental burden, pal. When and in whom to express your interest. It will torture you right through to your last day!
—————
name: Erin
query: Hey i am youg and guys think i look way older and i keep on getting scared like of cousre i lied to thme but my friends like tell me not ot i try soo hard and i am soo scared these guys might stolk me
Hmm. That sucks. Unfortunately nothing can really be done.
—————
name: Erin
query: omg plzz help me my friend she always lies even to her parents and she never tells the thurth some times she just but 90% she dosent she tell me she cant help it how cna i help her ..? need advice fast
The trick is positive reinforcement. During that rare 10% of the time when she tells the truth, make a big deal about it. Congratulate her. Say, “Oh, wow! You just told the truth! What you just said, it was simple and honest! Unencumbered by the taint of your lying mind! How did that happen? Did you read that somewhere and memorize it? How did a machine that makes lies suddenly spit out the truth?” That way she feels rewarded when she tells the truth and will consider memorizing more true things from the TV or magazines so she can say them in conversation.
—————
name: Jon Zinnerman
query: Hello you dirty pretty things. I was just wondering if you could promise me to reject any proposal’s recieved from my girlfriend in the near future. She has very much got the horn for you guys, but then don’t we all?
Cheers big ears.

Jon,
Who’s your girlfriend? It may already be too late.
—————
name: Aaron Carter
query: are you a real scientist??
Aaron,
What is a ‘scientist’ really? Is it someone with an advanced degree in the sciences? Then one of us is a scientist. Is it someone who takes an acute interest in the functioning of the physical world and applies carefully refined methods to investigating it? Then none of us is a scientist. Or is a scientist someone who is in a band that happens to be called ‘we are scientists’? In that case we are, each of us, scientists.
—————
name: Aaron Carter
query: are you a real idiot?
No, actually we’re geniuses that go to great lengths to masquerade as idiots, who through great effort and brilliant contrivance manage to pull the wool over the world’s eyes and convince everybody that the three brightest minds of this or any historical period are borderline-retarded buffoons whose one negligible skill is doing a passable job playing a musical instrument. And we do it all for some vastly complex, intricately plotted reason that, when it’s ultimately revealed, will capture the wonder and admiration of man for generations to come.
Come on. Of course we’re a real idiot.
—————
name: Ethan Fogus
query: President Bush is trying to shed his cowboy image. what if president bush talked like a (a) robot or a (b)pirate or maybe a (c) the “ahnold” voice.
which do you think he should use?

It would be interesting if Bush talked like a robot — probably the pirate or ahnold accents would be a little campy, but a well-realized robot delivery could be very interesting indeed. Authoritative, rational, commanding vast stores of data: these are the qualities we associate with robots, qualities which compare favorably with the current Bush associations. Before we settle on a robot as the best new incarnation of Bush, we want to advance another option: What if Bush worked really hard and nailed down a great Dick Cheney impersonation? That could be pretty wild.
—————
name: electricia
query: save me from the scary conglomeration of pointy and round that is anime! my boyfriend loves naruto and i think i somehow agreed to watch it (after a long period of resistance) but how do i save my ruined reputation after that? if i said i actually like anime that would be hypocritical, while if i said i did watched it because i was forced, that would prompt the fall of my mafia-esque reputation of steel.
Perhaps you should tell people that you watched it in order to better understand your enemy. That’s just good strategy. To really prove that your aim was malicious, you could now set about creating your own anime series, but make it so that when kids watch it their minds fill with rage and they commit atrocious acts of brutality and violence. This would turn anime into public enemy number one. Anti-anime parent groups would form and there would be congressional hearings and, in the US at least, it would be banned. That will allow you to once again look your friends in the eye.
—————
name: dustin
query: Whenever i go to my girlfriends house her mom constantly hits on me. She is a very attractive woman and i dont know what i should do. Can you please help me?
“Janie’s mom has
got it goin’ ooooon!
Here she comes in
nothin’ but a thoooong!
Her tits still firm,
she’s offerin’ me the bong!
Cuz Janie’s mom has
got it goin’ onnnn!
Oh, Janie’s mom has
got it goin’ on!
And yeah she looks good,
but also we get along!
Janie’s alright but
she’s no Janie’s Mom!
Cuz Janie’s mom has
got it goin’ ooooon!”
You see what we’re saying? You know that Fountains of Wayne song? Catchy stuff. Anyway, yeah, that’s an awkward situation, Dustin. Probably the most graceful thing for you to do is to make it clear to your gf’s mom that you think of her not as an attractive older woman, but as a doddering elderly person of unknown gender. Say things like, “Oh, Mrs. Smith, do you need me to turn that page for you?” and “Mrs. Smith, you really should move your bedroom to the ground floor — surely at your age the stairs are an unnecessary burden.” Also compliment her on her wonderfully realistic wig. And say you think it’s so cool that she doesn’t wear polyester pantsuits like everyone else her age. At the very least your girlfriend will think this sort of thing is hilarious and charming and will offer you carnal rewards of the highest order.
—————
name: Andrew Bauer
query: So I’m a Freshman in high school, popular, quarterback of the football team, best player on the basketball team. And i was seein one of the most popular seniors and so we were gettin pretty serious we were having sex ateast 3 times a week and then all of a sudden she just decided since she was leaving for college pretty soon that she couldnt even talk to me any more. So now none of my friends ever wanna hang out any more ive been playin really bad at basketball all because i cant get my mind off her. How can I get my mind off of her?
Guy,
You used to beat us up. We hope the pain is excruciating.
—————
name: art vandelay
query: hello you frisky oven mitts! what turns you on about a girl? her looks, personality, brains ect. ? (i know…you are mostly turned on by 15 year old girls, right? :)
Art,
What turns us on about a girl is that ineffable alignment of qualities that on their own are mere flaxen flakes in the stream of experience but together constitute an 80-foot tall golden buddha. A sneer, a weird haircut, velvet brown eyes, a command of languages or beasts, a solid punch, clothes that fit but aren’t tight… so many things, thousands of things, a random handful of which can twine together to snare the heart of a scientist. Of course, none of this is relevant if she’s over 15.
—————
name: Shira
query: Once there was this band website that featured pictures of this really adorable cat and then all of a sudden they discontinued pictures of the cat and I’m so bummed. What should I/this band do?
If this mystery band is anything like us, they probably discontinued the pictures because the cat died of alcohol poisoning. As to what you/the band should do, you should learn an important lesson: If you have a tiny body — if you’re a little six pound guy — you can’t glug jack daniels all night with a bunch of folks who weigh a hundred pounds or more and expect to walk away from it.
—————
name: johnny
query: I went out with this girl for 4 years and now we are broken up for about 2 months and she has a new boyfriend. I can’t stop thinking about her and i really want to be back together with her, but I can’t. She said we can try again later. I really love her. I need to try to forget her and need ideas for meeting other girls and make her jealous. How can i do this?
Johnny,
Do not fucking kid yourself, dude. That business is over with. Even if you guys did get back together after she finishes with this other guy, what’s happening now — the betrayal and injury — would be a gnawing piece of your history together that would sully everything. No, better to move on, and not in the sense of finding another girl so you can make your ex jealous. Take heart in the fact that by rebounding so quickly, your ex hasn’t taken the time to thoroughly get over your relationship. A year from now she’ll find herself suddenly faced with feelings that she’s bottling up now, and you, long ago having dealt with the separation, will be able to give her some seriously cold shoulder, effectively destroying her very mind.