Mr. Marteeni, Eamonn, Robin, Rusty, etc…

name: mr marteeni
query: gd evning or morning or afternoon which ever aplies. do u think fat arses are better than small ones cuz my good friends arse is quite small? lots of love ure personal friend
Ah, Mr. Marteeni! Personal friend to We Are Scientists! Where have you been, sir? At sea? Exploring? Studying asses? Yes! Your passion is manifest! And contagious, as well, we might add! Now let’s see here, as to your inquiry, “Is bigger better when it comes to asses?”, the answer, unfortunately for your primly assed friend, is an emphatic YES. YES, bigger asses are not just quantitatively superior to small asses but also qualitatively superior. YES, people prefer big asses, unless they are perverts who, subconsciously or not, want to be fucking little kids. And YES, Mr. Marteeni, fucking kids, even just a little, is morally wrong; we’d been meaning to mention that to you for some time now, Mr. Marteeni — we only hope we’re not too late. Which is to say also, sir, that having a small ass is a morally detestable action and should be protested by men of conscience. Harness wind to sail and spread the word to all humankind, Mr. Marteeni! To all humankind!
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name: Eamonn
query: You know the formula for kinetic energy is:
[Kinetic energy = o.5 x mass x (speed x speed)]
I just wondered what kind of energy the band puts into a live performance, I was hoping they would work it out and get back to moi?

The answer is surprising! We did the calculations, and frankly even we were surprised by the result! “Which was?” you ask. 0!! Can you believe it? As we said, even we were quite surprised.
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name: Robin (again)
query: ok, so i took my exams and i stayed on at school. but im still in love damn you. she lives far away from me. help. argh! distance relationships do work right? tell me they work you scientist, instrument playing learned advisors of mine.
Long distance relationships do work, yes, for torturing yourself to death. For that, they are perfect. If what you’re after is emotional or sexual or intellectual satisfaction, then you’re much better off reading sci-fi books or watching Friends or getting big into model rockets.
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name: rusty
query: im worried about the size of my cats penis
the other cats are laughing

Perhaps it’s time you stop worrying this issue to death like some worry-soaked old maid and instead do something about it! Get your cat a cat-penis pump! They’re proven and effective! Your cat will experience substantial elongation and thickening of his penis after the first treatment! And then the limit is the sky! Whatever you do, don’t let your cat pump his penis up so big that he can’t walk owing to his overlarge penis! Then, perversely, you’ve got the other cats laughing at him again! Albeit more nervously than before!
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name: A well-wisher
query: This is not really a request for advice, but more a reversal of roles as I offer you my own nugget of wisdom. As a Briton I urge you, do not ever go near Lambrini again. It truly is the drink of 12 year olds who think they’re sophisticated but are simply misguided. Lambrini makes people ugly and stupid, and the only alcoholic beverage of less worth is in fact it’s cheaper alternative Lambrucini. Don’t go near that either.
By the way, kudos to you on your impressive eloquence.

Your point is well made, and we’re going to to take it under advisement. But now, so that we can better avoid this dreadful “Lambrucini”, be a good girl and tell us where it can be found. Go on then, where do they keep the Lambrucini? WHERE DO THEY KEEP THE GODDAMN LAMBRUCINI?
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name: lidz
query: This is a serious call for help (for once) scientists.I have to make a really big decision soon, and it is causing me to have constant brain overload!! I have to choose whether to go to college in england or stay in ireland. For a number of reasons i wanted to leave Ireland (cos i thought it was pretty shit) but now I’m not sure. My parents are blackmailing me to to stay here, but I don’t know what to do! I would love to move back to England. Man i am stressed. Everyones telling me to do different things!!!So I am asking everyone else what I should do, and then decide that way! So what do you think?
We think that’s the right way of going about it.
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name: lizz
query: was just wunderin if u could send me the lyrics to ur new song plz cos taz bin annoyin me wat they r lol!
Well, yeah, sure, we can do that. It’s a bit surprising to us that you’ve heard our new songs, to be honest — we’ve only played them in the practice space, and never with anybody outside the band present. But the last thing we want to be is annoyin, so here are those lyrics:

Ponies for Show
Girl, you been telling me things,
things I ain’t never seen, [backing: Things he ain’t never heard or seen]
stuff about this one guy
and his show ponies, and his show ponies
[backing: and his show ponies]
and his show ponies
[backing: they’re his show ponies]
and his show ponies
[backing: see the show ponies]
And girl I think I like you.
We’ve fun wherever we go.
You took me to the circus,
showed me ponies for show, showed me ponies for show
[backing: showed him ponies for show]
showed me ponies for show
[backing: took him to the circus, girl]
and showed me ponies for show
[backing: showed him ponies for show]
ponies ponies for show
[backing: ponies ponies for show]
ponies ponies for ponies
[backing: ponies ponies for show]
and ponies ponies for show
[backing: ponies ponies ponies ponies REPEAT]

Dwight, Troll
I met a man, a troll, today
He said his name was Dwight
I taught him what I knew of cards
And cards we played all night
Cards we played all night, hey!

Just kidding, we don’t have any new songs. Are you talking about the songs on the CD? You can’t understand what Keith’s saying? Really? Come on. Try super hard!
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name: RobbieM
query: You guys are really great musicians and as an aspiring rock star myself i was wondering if you could give me some advice on a problem i’m having, who should play Lt. Templeton “Faceman” Peck in a movie adaptation of the A-Team?
Well, Robbie, we can’t say for certain; this isn’t exactly our field of expertise, you know. But this much is objectively clear: you could do a lot worse than Keith for the role of Faceman in your film. Before you protest, consider his strengths:

  • He will work without pay, because he takes his wages in glory.

  • He looks vaguely like the actor who portrayed the Faceman in the original television series. Art Keating, was it? Mortimer Articking? We’re just joking, of course — we have no fucking clue what the actor’s name was.
  • Keith does his own stunts, so long as he never has to leave the ground, never has to move more than 3 mph, never has to invert his body or indeed lie down flat, never has to interact with machinery of any kind or even anything that converts potential energy to heat, never has to speak in a language other than English (as defined by the set of words and grammatical conventions with which Keith is already familiar), never has to wink or sneer, and never has to have his hair cut. Which saves you, the producer, a lot of money, having an actor who does all his own stunts.