Michael, Kathy de la K, Hello My, Diane, Erinn

name: Michael
query: Dear WAS,
I have an huge bump on my penis that may or may not be serious. I’ve tried busting it with a pin, but that only makes the bump hurt even more. What could this huge mass of tissue be? How can I get rid of it?

Dear Michael,
Yikes! What the hell are you thinking, man? Sending that kind of question to us! Michael! Friend! Heir to the throne of England! Listen! This is a family site, for chrissakes! The only thing worse than you writing such a question would be for us to publish it! On our family site!
Okay, no, but seriously, you need help, we have answers, end of story. We must help you. Hipocratic oath and all. So here’s what you do, Michael, and you can trust us because between the three of us we’ve delt with the same thing literally a hundred thousand times: you need to wrap your little friend in cloth — we’re talking the finest silks from Thailand, so gossamer they float through the air almost like a heat wave; the most sumptuous Carribean linens, shot through with golden filaments, their marvelous colors recalling a perfected happiness you haven’t known since childhood; cottons of such delicate weaves it will break your goddamn heart. Wrap yourself in these fine fabrics, yards of them. Scent the fabric with a few drops of splendid eau de jasmin. Tie it all up with a golden ribbon. Head to the doctor.
—————
name: kathy de la k
query: so i’m running a brother right, i’m a pimp/owner/financial manager/ etc, and sometimes my hoes get out of hand and i have to regulate. i don’t want to hit them since bruises might decrease their value to potential customers but i want them to learn their lesson when they go against their pimp. what can i do?

kdlk,
In our experience there is only one way to deal with a ho who gets out of hand and/or goes against her pimp, and that is to kill her with kindness. It sounds like a clich�, but you know what? Sometimes things become clich�s because they’re just so damn true.
—————
name: hello my
query: klfdmsdlkmf
Dear HM,
Learn to spell, asshole.
—————
name: Diane
query: I’m Lost? What Do I Do?
Dear Diane,
Head East on 6th street (toward the bridge) till you come to the Washington Mutual (we think it’s on Knudsen St.), where you’ll hang a right (Knudsen St.?). Go four or five blocks — you’re heading South now — and you’ll hit Main St. Take a left. All the shops are right along there. If you want food, we recommend Jimmy’s Tomato Kitchen; the most delicious flayed tomatoes you’ll slide into you! Add a little olive oil? A little parmesan? Toss it on a panini? Ask your waiter to oven bake it? You’ve practically got a pizza on your hands! Don’t tell Jimmy, though; he steadfastly refuses to allow his premium tomatoes to be used in something as base as pizza. Little tip about Jimmy, though, if you’ll pardon a couple of old gossips their vice: Jimmy is a pederast. So if you’re traveling with any young ones, be extra attentive. Super extra attentive, actually; that Jimmy’s a monster. The most aggressive, brazen pederast we’ve ever seen. One minute your little one will be right there at the table with you, and you’ll raise your menu to read about the many vintages of tomato available, and you’ll later swear to christ you were only at the menu for 30, maybe 40 seconds, and you’ll lower your menu to find the little one missing from his/her seat; you’ll jump up and scan the restaurant, but you won’t have to look far, cuz there at the next table for all to see will be Jimmy reaming your little one, your baby. Oh god, you’ll never forgive yourself.
Hope that helps! Call us if you have any trouble! Unless it’s with Jimmy, as we hold no sway over that demented fucking raptor! Hey, neither do the cops!
—————
name: Erinn
query: Hi, I’m in love with this guy but my friends think thats he’s creepy. He has a girlfriend, but they’re in an open relationship…there’s one problem though…since they’re in an open relationship they share the other people they hook up with and I don’t know if I want to be with his girlfriend…what do I do?

There’s an old chip of wisdom, Erinn, that if you really love a guy you’ll screw his girlfriend, too. And we think that’s pretty much true. Ask yourself, Erinn, do you love him? Are you really, really into him and do you really want things with you two to work? Well then you’re going to have to get used to sharing the bed with his girlfriend. Hey, Erinn, how do you think the rest of us do it? It’s the same for all of us. Each of us We Are Scientists guys has a girl that we love a lot, that we’re totally committed to, and she has no problem sleeping with us and our girlfriend. Cuz and that’s love, do you know? That’s love.