Matt, Abbey, Debbie, Lee, Danielle, Ayla Morphew, Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, Natalie, Gina, Steph, TG, Erin, Jon Zinnerman, Aaron Carter, Ethan Fogus, Electricia, Dustin, Andrew Bauer, Art Vandelay, Shira, Johnny

name: matt
query: ok.. well i have been with this girl for nearly 2 years but she broke up with me because of year 12 she thinks im gonna get in the way i told her i wouldnt because i wont her to do her best unlike me who didnt finish but she still doesnt believe pretty destroyedd i cant get on with life i started a stupid drug habbit to stop the pain and unfortunantly its working but i dont want to get over her like that.. just last night she called me and told me her parents are moving to greece so she has to go so now im totallllllly destroyed.. i need help.. how do u get over a girl who u have been with for so long and just cant see urself without?? if u can help thankyou….

Matty, go to college. Girls everywhere!
name: abbey
query: i need to convince my mom to get me a dog, but how?
Pretty sure we’ve answered this exact question before, maybe several times. Too lazy to check. Anyway, maybe it’s you, Abbey, who keeps writing, and our solutions keep failing, but for some reason you persist in thinking we have the answer. Well you know what? You’re right, we do have the answer. Here’s what you do. Tell your mom that dogs? Dogs are fun. And people? People like fun, they love it. And what else is fun? Getting bad grades and playing with weapons. So, y’know, basically it’s her call, but you’re going to have to get some fun, and if it’s not by hanging out with your dog all day, it’s going to be by blowing off class and getting some nice guns and throwing stars.
name: Debbie
query: I know this band, and they’re name is We Are Scientists, and they purport to live in NYC, yet play no shows there. So i have this bet going with a friend; help us decide the winner. Is this the direct result of the pull of the moon’s gravity, like the tides, or has one of the band members succumbed to gingavitis? Thanks, i’m really looking forward to my 5 bucks…
This bet, it’s intriguingly limited in its scope. Are you sure it’s either the moon or gingivitis that’s to blame? Are you sure illiteracy’s not the problem? Your illiteracy, Debbie? Check the Shows page, Debbie! April 15 at CBGB! May 21 at the Tank!
name: lee
query: to light a candle is to cast a shadow. what’s up with THAT?
Yes, and to love is to lose, and to skip stones is to drown them. What’s the problem exactly?
name: Danielle
query: I suffer from Extreme Boredom, I try to spend my time doing things such as … well nothing. I’m one of those people in school which the teachers say “has great potential” and “is very bright”, but “doesn’t put in enough effort”. The truth is, I just can’t be arsed! Have you guys got a cure for me? Luv n peace Dan x
Yes! Here it is: In fifty to sixty years, you’ll be dead, Dan. At some point during this period you’ll realize there are at least a dozen things you’d like to do with your life. Most likely this realization will come too late, and in place of a well spent existence you’ll have a rueful, regret-soaked last ten years, years your breast will swell as it won’t have swollen since you were a teen, but where blood and hope once sprung will instead run bile thick and black with loss.
name: Ayla Morphew
query: hi i am thirteen and go to junior high i want to go to a high school dance tomarro and my mom wont let me my high school freind got me a pass to go but we changed my name my mom says it is fraud so then we change it back to mine she still wont let me go and i dont know why?
Yes yes, the old mom-won’t-let-me-go-to-the-dance-cuz-I-forged-my-pass-and-stuff issue. We get letters about this all the time. We’ll tell you what we’ve always told people in the past: What the fuck are you talking about? None of that shit you wrote up there makes sense.
name: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
query: uuuuuuuuu
Very funny, Mr. President. Don’t you have better things to do with your time?
name: natalie
query: So somehow I ended up at grad school in a scientific field, despite my liberal arts background, which involved my going to desperate lengths to avoid taking science classes. But basically I’m here to use science to answer questions about what I REALLY care about–language. I feel like I don’t belong. How can I be a PhD student in a scientific field? How did you become scientists? Do I need to start a band first?
U sound hott! Send pic!
name: Gina
query: Hello, my names Gina as you can see above. Um, I dunno I’m jus really head over heels for this guy. Oh wow i dont know how much you cant write on here but here goes. So i met em December 2004 at a Christmas party i attended with my guy friend Aaron, Chris (the guy i like) works with Aaron or used to anyways. I thought he was the hottest guy id ever seen and he was there with another girl she was adorable , real sweet (jess is her name) anyways chris asked aaron about me at work n told aaron i was real attractive n he thought i was cool, so aaron gave em my number and we have hung out a few times, i have slept with him, and i dont sleep with any random guy, it took soo long but i eventually jus said F it and did it because i had the biggest feeling for this guy. Hes in Alberta right now for 3 months for fire traning and i miss him terribly hes been gone for around 4 weeks er so maybe less and hes only called me once, he told me that he doesnt havea phone in his room and he has to walk a long ways to a pay phone and he jus got a phonecard i dunno maybe he doesnt wanna get distracted at work but ya i think the best thing to do is jus wait for him to come around, i mean he did the calling when he was down i never called em, i jus really like em a lot and i dunno if u guys believe in the astrological compatibility stuff but im a gemini and hes a cancer and its not a match made in heaven, i just am bumming here which sucks. i jus miss em, does it mean he doesnt like me if he hasnt called? if he gets back n continures calling me like he used to should i stop seein em cause he only wants to sleep with me? i dont know help!!
Does this fellow like you as much as you like him? No. He likes fire more than he likes you; you presumably like him more than fire. Do you know how we know this? Is it because of the gemini/cancer shit? No. Is it because we happen to know he does have a phone in his room? No; we can’t possibly know that. We know he likes you less than you like him because you know it and you wrote it all over the page up there. So the thing is for you to acknowledge that now. Once you’ve done that, you can keep seeing him or not, but with your eyes open. Keep having sex with him if you like it. Stop if you only did it because you thought you might marry him someday. Never will this come to pass. Meanwhile, feel free to date other people while he’s in Alberta, because firefighters have sex with each other; it’s a well-known fact, it’s all part of the game.
name: Steph
query: Who’s your daddy?
Dear Steph,
Sired by Lightning, we were nevertheless raised by Fire and mentored by Dark Matter.
name: T.G.
query: i met a girl in summer school who i have been in touch with and see at least once a week ever since…the problem she has told me she likes me but she has a boy friend she wants to be with for at least the next year…we both know there is a chance of having a future together but it isnt going to happen any time soon. We both need to move on, but that is where i am having trouble. I fear if i get over her i we wont have intrest ever again…and she cant be the one that gets away…i need your opinion because i can no longer deal with this mental burden. thanks.
We admire your dedication to a principle: she can’t be the one that gets away. Well, if you don’t mind waiting the year or so for her to complete the album cycle with her current beau, then it seems to us you’re fine. You say you’re worried that if you move on now, if you “get over her”, you won’t be capable of rekindling interest in the future. Let us assure you, TG, that your fears are baseless. People don’t lose interest in each other, not before they’ve been together on at least a hundred distinct occasions. Even then, all they need is a couple of months or years apart and the interest will have reappeared, somewhat magically. No, you’ll find in life that having interest in other people is easy — there are so many very interesting people! What’s difficult is deciding when and in whom to express your interest. There’s your mental burden, pal. When and in whom to express your interest. It will torture you right through to your last day!
name: Erin
query: Hey i am youg and guys think i look way older and i keep on getting scared like of cousre i lied to thme but my friends like tell me not ot i try soo hard and i am soo scared these guys might stolk me
Hmm. That sucks. Unfortunately nothing can really be done.
name: Erin
query: omg plzz help me my friend she always lies even to her parents and she never tells the thurth some times she just but 90% she dosent she tell me she cant help it how cna i help her ..? need advice fast
The trick is positive reinforcement. During that rare 10% of the time when she tells the truth, make a big deal about it. Congratulate her. Say, “Oh, wow! You just told the truth! What you just said, it was simple and honest! Unencumbered by the taint of your lying mind! How did that happen? Did you read that somewhere and memorize it? How did a machine that makes lies suddenly spit out the truth?” That way she feels rewarded when she tells the truth and will consider memorizing more true things from the TV or magazines so she can say them in conversation.
name: Jon Zinnerman
query: Hello you dirty pretty things. I was just wondering if you could promise me to reject any proposal’s recieved from my girlfriend in the near future. She has very much got the horn for you guys, but then don’t we all?
Cheers big ears.

Who’s your girlfriend? It may already be too late.
name: Aaron Carter
query: are you a real scientist??
What is a ‘scientist’ really? Is it someone with an advanced degree in the sciences? Then one of us is a scientist. Is it someone who takes an acute interest in the functioning of the physical world and applies carefully refined methods to investigating it? Then none of us is a scientist. Or is a scientist someone who is in a band that happens to be called ‘we are scientists’? In that case we are, each of us, scientists.
name: Aaron Carter
query: are you a real idiot?
No, actually we’re geniuses that go to great lengths to masquerade as idiots, who through great effort and brilliant contrivance manage to pull the wool over the world’s eyes and convince everybody that the three brightest minds of this or any historical period are borderline-retarded buffoons whose one negligible skill is doing a passable job playing a musical instrument. And we do it all for some vastly complex, intricately plotted reason that, when it’s ultimately revealed, will capture the wonder and admiration of man for generations to come.
Come on. Of course we’re a real idiot.
name: Ethan Fogus
query: President Bush is trying to shed his cowboy image. what if president bush talked like a (a) robot or a (b)pirate or maybe a (c) the “ahnold” voice.
which do you think he should use?

It would be interesting if Bush talked like a robot — probably the pirate or ahnold accents would be a little campy, but a well-realized robot delivery could be very interesting indeed. Authoritative, rational, commanding vast stores of data: these are the qualities we associate with robots, qualities which compare favorably with the current Bush associations. Before we settle on a robot as the best new incarnation of Bush, we want to advance another option: What if Bush worked really hard and nailed down a great Dick Cheney impersonation? That could be pretty wild.
name: electricia
query: save me from the scary conglomeration of pointy and round that is anime! my boyfriend loves naruto and i think i somehow agreed to watch it (after a long period of resistance) but how do i save my ruined reputation after that? if i said i actually like anime that would be hypocritical, while if i said i did watched it because i was forced, that would prompt the fall of my mafia-esque reputation of steel.
Perhaps you should tell people that you watched it in order to better understand your enemy. That’s just good strategy. To really prove that your aim was malicious, you could now set about creating your own anime series, but make it so that when kids watch it their minds fill with rage and they commit atrocious acts of brutality and violence. This would turn anime into public enemy number one. Anti-anime parent groups would form and there would be congressional hearings and, in the US at least, it would be banned. That will allow you to once again look your friends in the eye.
name: dustin
query: Whenever i go to my girlfriends house her mom constantly hits on me. She is a very attractive woman and i dont know what i should do. Can you please help me?
“Janie’s mom has
got it goin’ ooooon!
Here she comes in
nothin’ but a thoooong!
Her tits still firm,
she’s offerin’ me the bong!
Cuz Janie’s mom has
got it goin’ onnnn!
Oh, Janie’s mom has
got it goin’ on!
And yeah she looks good,
but also we get along!
Janie’s alright but
she’s no Janie’s Mom!
Cuz Janie’s mom has
got it goin’ ooooon!”
You see what we’re saying? You know that Fountains of Wayne song? Catchy stuff. Anyway, yeah, that’s an awkward situation, Dustin. Probably the most graceful thing for you to do is to make it clear to your gf’s mom that you think of her not as an attractive older woman, but as a doddering elderly person of unknown gender. Say things like, “Oh, Mrs. Smith, do you need me to turn that page for you?” and “Mrs. Smith, you really should move your bedroom to the ground floor — surely at your age the stairs are an unnecessary burden.” Also compliment her on her wonderfully realistic wig. And say you think it’s so cool that she doesn’t wear polyester pantsuits like everyone else her age. At the very least your girlfriend will think this sort of thing is hilarious and charming and will offer you carnal rewards of the highest order.
name: Andrew Bauer
query: So I’m a Freshman in high school, popular, quarterback of the football team, best player on the basketball team. And i was seein one of the most popular seniors and so we were gettin pretty serious we were having sex ateast 3 times a week and then all of a sudden she just decided since she was leaving for college pretty soon that she couldnt even talk to me any more. So now none of my friends ever wanna hang out any more ive been playin really bad at basketball all because i cant get my mind off her. How can I get my mind off of her?
You used to beat us up. We hope the pain is excruciating.
name: art vandelay
query: hello you frisky oven mitts! what turns you on about a girl? her looks, personality, brains ect. ? (i know…you are mostly turned on by 15 year old girls, right? :)
What turns us on about a girl is that ineffable alignment of qualities that on their own are mere flaxen flakes in the stream of experience but together constitute an 80-foot tall golden buddha. A sneer, a weird haircut, velvet brown eyes, a command of languages or beasts, a solid punch, clothes that fit but aren’t tight… so many things, thousands of things, a random handful of which can twine together to snare the heart of a scientist. Of course, none of this is relevant if she’s over 15.
name: Shira
query: Once there was this band website that featured pictures of this really adorable cat and then all of a sudden they discontinued pictures of the cat and I’m so bummed. What should I/this band do?
If this mystery band is anything like us, they probably discontinued the pictures because the cat died of alcohol poisoning. As to what you/the band should do, you should learn an important lesson: If you have a tiny body — if you’re a little six pound guy — you can’t glug jack daniels all night with a bunch of folks who weigh a hundred pounds or more and expect to walk away from it.
name: johnny
query: I went out with this girl for 4 years and now we are broken up for about 2 months and she has a new boyfriend. I can’t stop thinking about her and i really want to be back together with her, but I can’t. She said we can try again later. I really love her. I need to try to forget her and need ideas for meeting other girls and make her jealous. How can i do this?
Do not fucking kid yourself, dude. That business is over with. Even if you guys did get back together after she finishes with this other guy, what’s happening now — the betrayal and injury — would be a gnawing piece of your history together that would sully everything. No, better to move on, and not in the sense of finding another girl so you can make your ex jealous. Take heart in the fact that by rebounding so quickly, your ex hasn’t taken the time to thoroughly get over your relationship. A year from now she’ll find herself suddenly faced with feelings that she’s bottling up now, and you, long ago having dealt with the separation, will be able to give her some seriously cold shoulder, effectively destroying her very mind.