kill, Amanda, Phoenix, Philly, Kathryn, Kev, Ralph, Ben

name: kill.them.with.kindness.
query: I like this guy and he likes me, I wanna ask him out but I dont know how…will you guys help me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! This is our area of expertise! Let’s say his name is George. What you want to do is pass him a note that says the following:

George, George, your name is George
Will you accompany me to the gorge?
There we will talk and chat and chatter
And eat sweet meats, and I’ll get fatter

Or let’s say his name is Prince:

Prince, prince, your name is Prince
Will you go with me to the fence?
There we will talk and chat and chatter
And eat sweet meats, and I’ll get fatter

So, the idea being that you need to give this guy something in verse or he probably isn’t even going to understand it. Guys are quite committed to the idea that poetry is the language of love; we dare say your fella is not an exception. So then, like, if his name is Mark, you might try something like:

Mark, Mark, your name is Mark
Will you come with me to the park?
There we will talk and chat and chatter
And eat sweet meats, and I’ll get fatter

name: Amanda
query: do you guys like New Jersey?
Thank you for asking. The time has come to erase any confusion on this subject. There have been a lot of rumors, a lot of conjecture, a lot of, frankly, hoo-ha. May we officially go on the record as being completely in favor of New Jersey. What ever it is you guys are doing over there, it’s working; keep doing it. Seldom have we encountered a state lying immediately to the west of New York City, but New Jersey is just such a place.
name: Phoenix
query: I have to do a sex dance at skool, we have to create the image of sex, we dont actually get down and dirty with r partner, and as u three men are extremly sexy, i was wondering if u knew any moves?!?
So, uh, “Phoenix”… what type of school is it that you’ve enrolled in, anyway? A trade school, perhaps? Well, never mind that. We’re here to help. It’s a shame, though, that your professor has specifically prohibited simply fucking your partner on stage (“getting down and dirty”, as you say), because one great way to create the image of sex through dance would be to get up there on stage and just kind of fuck around with a partner or a couple of partners — like, have sex. With a partner. That would definitely accomplish the assignment, so the caveat is a real drag.
Okay, but there’s another option. Can you use props? Let’s assume you can. So what you do is get a nice big desk up there — a solid, dark wood guy that the audience can’t see through. And then you stand against the far side of the desk, facing the audience, and you bend over the desk. And your partner comes up behind you, and both of your are naked, and he makes like he’s fucking you from behind. But check it out — you don’t really have sex! He never actually enters you! Your professor has no grounds for protest, and you have created the image of sex through classical dance, earning an A for the semester.
name: come to philly !
query: i was thinking about asking out a boy that i have known for a while. i really like him, but is it a turn-off for a girl to make the first move? help me scientists… you’re my only hope.
No way; there’s nothing wrong with a girl making the first move. In point of fact, Michael Tapper patently refuses to make the first move. Any girl that’s ever “tasted of the Tapper” has made the first move. “Tasted of the Tapper” is a phrase Michael uses a lot. A couple of others he favors are: “Drink from the Tap”, “Tongue the Tap”, “Apply for and receive a gentle Tapping”, and “Grapple the Tapple”.
name: kathryn
query: what should i do at uni? should i even go to uni? should i get a shitty job but be happy? should i just end it all now?
Let’s take those one at a time.
1) You should study bird physics; you’ve always loved the subject, and that counts for a lot.
2) No.
3a) Yes, do get as shitty a job as possible.
3b) If you get a sufficiently shitty job, the kind we’re recommending, happiness won’t be an option unfortunately.
4) Oh, don’t end it all now, for chrissakes. That’s so dramatic. You just need a change! Try applying for some courses over at the uni or getting a shitty new job.
name: Leicester Kev
query: Are Keith and Michael annoyed that in the band section, Chris’ name is the only one that takes full advantage of the Coca Cola typeface???
It drives them to madness. Many long nights have Keith and Michael spent stumbling blindly across snow-whipped moors, shouting unintelligible rages into the white blanket void, their eyes crazed, lolling in teary sockets. Braying for solace into the world’s deaf ear.
name: Ben
query: i sat by a fire all night trying to work this out, but had to give up as my face melted. please help! (with the question, the wonderful NHS sorted the face, with budgeted effects!)A cowboy in the American West, reconnoitring Native Indian territory, saw a band of two and half dozen warriors. Fearing he would be captured, he wanted to leave a message for his colleagues, who were following him, but he had no pen and no paper. in fact all he could find were five fencing posts. How, using them, could he pass on the information
Hey, Ben! This cowboy actually has a pretty broad range of messages he’ll be able to communicate using the fencing posts. By grouping them close together, he tells passers-by that there are five things (indian settlements? indians?) grouped near one another, somewhere, maybe nearby. By laying one post on the ground then laying another directly on top of that, then laying two more posts atop one another roughly two feet away and parallel to the first two, and then laying the last post perpendicular to and connecting the two stacks, the cowboy communicates that there is a bridge. Finally, he could make a desperate plea to the indian warriors that they use the five stakes to kill him; now when his compatriot cowboys find the stakes all driven through his chest and head and stuff, they’ll be aware that indians got him.