Who’s Your Favorite Scientist?/Can’t Convince Mome to Let Lizzy Sleep Over…/How to Convince Mome to Get Me a Dog…/When Will WAS Break Up?/Trouble With Painting Teacher…/Myspace Page?/Lyrics to Nobody Move?/How Can I Be As Cool As I Think I Am?

ame: jordan
query: How do i get the ladies like a scientist? Should I just tell them I am a scientist and hope that works? I just need girls and I need advice! Also, who is your favorite scientist in all of history?
Our favorite scientists in all of history has either not yet been born or is living but has yet to unveil his big invention, which is Space Painting, which would allow us to paint in space. Like, not to go up into space in a space ship and paint in zero gravity on a canvas. Space painting is where you actually paint.

Substantially more exciting than the stuff we currently consider advanced — fission, dirtbiking. And the scientist who invents it, besides rounding up all the major prizes and enough cash remuneration to last her family for a thousand years, will also earn the honor of our band going around saying, “Man, yeah, that lady who figured out space painting, hands down.”
name: Courtney
query: I’m trying to convince my mom into letting my friend Lizzy spend the night on week-nights during the summer but she won’t let me neither will my dad. What should I do?
Appeal to the family dog? If you can curry his favor, that’d be a place to start. Play your cards carefully. Be strategic. You just may bring Mom and Dad around with a “But Dr. Mallory thinks it’s okay” gambit.
name: Samantha
query: I love dogs, but i dont have one. When i ask my mom for one she just says “no.” And then when i ask her why she just says “because you don’t need one.” She never gives me a REAL answer. How do i get her to change her mind?
What if instead we got you to change your mind? You don’t want a dog. Seriously, you don’t. Why? Well… what makes you think you do? Have you even thought about it? About the responsibility? About all the shit you are going to have to shovel? Go ahead and take that literally, by the way. Owning and caring for a dog means actually getting out there and shoveling that animal’s shit, which gets all over the shovel and remains on the grass where it was initially dumped and also splats all over wherever you throw it and, in case you hadn’t heard, smells completely awful. There’s a reason that when something smells particularly terrible we say, “Man, that smells like dogshit.” “Man,” you hear the guy mutter, “this corpse has been lying here in the sun for probably days and I have to say, it smells just like dogshit.” And yet you’re hoping to bring an animal into your home whose main specialty, whose one reliable function, is to crap out putrid little rotten corpses. That smell awful.
Not only that, but dogs bite people, and then you get sued by them. This is a daily occurrence, in case you don’t read the newspaper. You’re going to bring home a new boyfriend one day and your dog’s going to get jealous and bite your boyfriend’s face off, the face that made you like him in the first place. And then his parents will sue your family right into the poorhouse.
Have you heard of “slobber”? Do you tend to think of it as a positive term? Because the other thing that dogs can be trusted to do, besides thumping gaseous dead rats out their ass and besides biting everybody, is to slobber all over themselves and you.
If you have other pets, say goodbye to them now, because your dog is going to kill them.
You need to do some serious thinking about whether a dog is really what you need in your life right now.

name: Sappy
query: When are We Are Scientists breaking up?
When it is becoming clear that things with the girl are not to be working out and efforts to repair are already having been tried and resultingly hope is being lost.
name: michaela
query: hey
i am an artist and my painting is really pissing me off because my teacher (yes im still at school sigh – two more years, two more years..), yeah, my goddamn teacher fucked it up. how can i make it better, still keeping the composition she suggested but retain my approval and adamant love for it? also, is it advisable to read a dictionary or thesaurus to up my vocabulary to your astronomical standard (no flattery there whatsoever)? which publication and company would you advise? ps you guys rock hardcore xxx

Reading the dictionary is not enough; you need to memorize it. Forget about a thesaurus. It’s a waste of time. What need does a person who knows all the words have for a thesaurus? Not much.
This painting thing — that’s a tough situation. If we understand correctly, you’ve got the painting pretty close to how you want it, and something about the way it is now makes you love it. But your teacher wants you to make substantial changes to it, presumably because she finds some formal flaw with the way you’re going about describing things with the paint. Well, there’s your love to consider, sure, but are you forgetting about something? Are you forgetting about… your teacher’s love, maybe? You love the painting now, but your teacher is asking you to make a couple of changes so that she can love it. And what’s wrong with that? Are you suggesting that your love is somehow worth more than hers? The opposite is actually more sensible; after all, your teacher is a professional artist who knows how to really love a painting. We suggest you follow your teacher’s instructions and give that brilliant, lonely old woman something to warm her in her final weeks.
name: Dan
query: heyo ppl, you lot on myspace? simple question should hav a simple answer, or if u’d like you can make it a long one with dragons an tales of unicorns an hippys…or somthin like tht, its up 2 u
For the answer to that question you have to go back forty years to the 1960’s, when hippies and unicorns still roamed the earth. You see, at that time there was no Myspace — no internet even — and yet something about dragons. Years later we would establish a page on Myspace, but hide it away carefully at Myspace.com/wearescientists so that only total geniuses would be able to find it without our help.
name: J C
query: Hey! plz could u send me the lyrics to ‘nobody moves nobody gets hurt’ its an ace song!

Of course:
Lyrics to Nobody Move (with instrumentation)
name: glen
query: Why is it when I alone I am so assured of my unmatched charm and razor sharp wit? Everyone from the people on TV to wannabes in magazines fail to compete with my firm grasp of the latest trends and fashions. I am infaliable. It is almost as if my life is script for a movie and I’m the dashing lead.
The only problem is whenever I leave the house and encouter any kind of social situation and tend to melt and sticky the hand of my confidence in a melting ice cream type of metaphor.
How can achieve the level of cool confidence that I have within my head within the context of actual reality?

Well, Glen, you just typed, “I am infaliable.” That seems like as good a place as any to start. The fact is, everybody is their own biggest fan; everybody thinks they’re cooler than they are; everybody spells worse than they think they do. Even if they think they spell really poorly, they doubtless spell even worse than that. Just take the pressure off yourself, Glen. It’s your worst enemy, this pressure. Relax into the fact that you’re kind of a retard. Just ease down into that reality and make it your home. Sit in it for a while like a baby sits in his stool. Probably that baby enjoys the warmth. Try to enjoy the warmth. Draw strength from it. Shift your bum around in it a little. Accept, Glen. Now get out there in the world. Walk confidently, comfortable in your mediocrity, resigned to it; not agitated by the wicked one-two punch of your own high expectations and the creeping sense that there’s no freaking way you’re living up to them.