Film studies advice/Will you fuck my duck?/What’s the best laptop?/Why do cats scream inside bags?/How do you make yourself happy?/Am I related to Chris Cain?/There is llama-ravioli in my pants/Does your site being pink make me gay?/Please explain quadriplegics’ powers/What should I do instead of uni?/Do lyrics or music come first?

name: Emma
query: How would you suggest I get through my Film Studies coursework without killing myself? It isnt even that its hard, its just loooooooong… help :)
It’s true, rarely does an independent film succeed these days without the protagonist slaying him or herself at some point during the plot’s unfolding — during the first act, often as not. Who can forget Deep Blue Sea, Renny Harlan’s 1973 paragon of independent documentary film making, in which actor Samuel Jackson, the main character, is severed in two just below the ribs by a hyper-intelligent battle shark with a mouth like a bear trap in a world where bears are 40 ft. tall (such as the one proposed in Renny Harlan’s follow-up docu-drama: Space Journey: Bear Planet World).
But making a big movie that will make big waves is about bucking established trends, not heeding them. So our advice is that you make a film in which you, the protagonist, don’t die until the very, very end. Possibly your death is just implied, even, rather than displayed in loving detail. Granted, this won’t work for a serious film, but a romantic comedy or Pixar-esque family romp might just get away with it.
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name: Dr Jesse Puddleduck
query: Dear sirs.
I have a duck, his name is Pablo and i find him to be about 746% FUNKY. he’s not actually a duck, he’s a plastic duck, a plastic ducks head, stuck on the body of a smaller plastic duck.
My question is, would any of the members of We Are Scientists like to volunteer to become Pablo Denis Puddleduck’s official sexy man-bitch?
Regards, Captain Myxomatosis.

Dear Mr. Captain,
We are giving your offer careful consideration. One way or the other, after we’ve made a decision we will telephone you regarding your handsome offer. Your issue is important to us, and is being given the attention it deserves. Our expert staff is currently scrutinizing your generous offer in order to provide you with an intelligent, carefully weighed response.
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name: Remy
query: What is the best brand of Laptop to buy?
Okay, are you serious? Unless you’re a total freakin idiot or you’re just looking to throw away money to a gigantic megacorporation or both, there’s absolutely no reason for you not to build your own laptop. Why do that, you ask? Oh, let me think, because it’s lighter, faster, cheaper, better, and more customizable than any piece of crap Dell or HP or whatever evil megacorp you were hoping to sponsor with your purchase. But I don’t know how to build my own laptop, you screech. Well fortunately for you, I do know how, better than you would even after a hundred years of training, and I’m perfectly happy to give you detailed instructions, because I’m not some greed-hungry dictator like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs or pick your favorite.
I’m not going to put together a whole shopping list of things you need to get, rather I’ll just write the instructions down and if you see an item that you don’t have, that means a lightbulb should go on somewhere in your cave-head and you should go buy one of said items. All of the so-called ingredients that you’ll need you can buy at pretty much any store in the world.
First you’re going to attach your motherboard to the hard drive. First of all, on the side of the box that you buy your drive in there will be a number X rpm, such as 5200 rpm. Make sure that number is divisible by 64 MINIMUM, or you’ll be cursing yourself for the next thousand years as you wait for your computer to calculate five times five or the square root of four or something. Connect the drive to the motherboard. For this you should be using FirstDigital gigaWire with gigaSheath sheathing, or you might as well just buy a piece of shit IBM. (Note that your motherboard should have a MINIMUM of 4 gb cache-process data management speed time processing, or the gigaSheath might as well not be there, like saying sorry to someone who’s dead, and the thing you’re apologizing for is what got them killed.)
Now you’re going to attach your port array. If you plan on plugging anything into your computer, that is if you plan on using it for anything other than writing “I am an idiot” on the screen a hundred times a day and sending emails to the post office asking them when they can come pick up all the letters you’ve written this week, you need a MINIMUM of the following ports: 3 firewire 800g, 2 firewire 400 (9 pin), 5 USB-powered, 1 SCSI-c (64 nano-pin), 2 digital-to-analog, 2 analog-to-analog, 1 analog, 1 reverse digital, 2 device universalPort, 2 PC card multi, 2 multiPort, 1 audio in, 1 mic in, 1 mic out, 1 mic-to-mic, 1 digital-to-mic. Best way to connect these is to get a slidePort port array housing, drop them in there in whatever order will best serve your needs, and drop it in there.
Now, how am I going to type on this thing without a keypad, and if so, which keypad? you’re asking. Well, obviously, and the answer is that you want to go one of two ways with the keypad. Either go with a K-Tec LumiGloss 140-key rubberized mini-board, which is what I got my parents last xmas and is pretty much the best keypad in the world, or if you’re going to plan on spending a serious amount of time on this thing and comfort is your highest consideration, go with a TFT 514-key jewelKey iSystem intelliBoard with triple function-key row (F1 through F36), which I would recommend adding the hiddenMouse FreeSpin trackball to, which is the keypad I use, which is easily the best keypad that will ever be invented in our solar system, even if our solar system lasts for the rest of time, and in about five hundred years every scientists dedicates themselves full-time to besting the TFT 514-key. If you’re looking at some piece of crap Logitech keypad or similar, just save yourself the fifty bucks and have a friend run over your hands with his car, because your carpel tunnel is going to be so bad in six months you won’t notice the difference, but you’ll still have fifty bucks, assuming your friend is willing to run over your hands as a favor, gratis.
Finally, you need a screen. People are of different minds when it comes to screens, but for me there’s really only really one real choice that is large enough to make sense for sitting in front of for multiple hours, but still can be considered genuinely portable: the SJTdigital 24″/18″ multi-length TRUEtone ONEbRIGHT multiTone matte-gloss CMYKameleon invisiTube LCD in size medium is pretty much the only screen on the market that anyone who has ever used a computer will ever willingly use, these days.
You’re up and running, and you’re not a slave to some evil corporate tech support force who’s going to charge you $15 a second to listen to them work on their accent. If something goes wrong with your new laptop — which nothing will, because if you followed my instructions to the letter you’ve just built the best laptop money can buy — you can just fix it yourself.
Maybe you’re asking yourself if it can really be that simple, but yes, it can and is. There’s a lot of other stupid additions that people will tell you you should make to your laptop, built in camera, wifi card, etc., etc.. These people work for Gateway or Apple, or they are just complete idiots, which is actually redundant. You can glue all kinds of garbage onto your box, but at the end of the day you don’t need any of it if you’re trying to do serious work without being distracted by little sirens and lasers. Some of my friends, although I wouldn’t really call them friends because of this, own expensive laptops that they ordered from Sony or Dell and these computers look like somebody at Dell or Sony dipped them in glue and then rolled them around in a toy store. This is not what you want. You are not a baby lying in a crib entertaining himself with a crazy mobile that has lights all over it and makes animal sounds. You are an adult trying to get to work on a serious project, and the last thing you need on your laptop is cameras and fins and crap to annoy you and slow you down.
Don’t worry about trying to pay me for this info. If you really want to repay me for telling you what pretty much anyone who’s ever used a computer could have told you, feel free to blow up the next Circuit City you come across.
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name: Tone
query: Why does cats scream when you put them into bags, they love it, don’t the`y?
The fact is that cats don’t scream when you put them into bags, they purr. Ergo the phrase “sackful of thunder”.
You may be thinking of a horse, which releases a horrific, jarring scream when put into a bag, even though its apprehension disappears quickly and it can be difficult to pry out once having acclimated.
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name: laura
query: how do you make yourself happy? EH?
One thing that pretty much never fails is to run through your multiplication tables. If that doesn’t work, you’re clinically depressed — there’s a chemical problem in your brain — and the only way to effectively combat it is to play around with injecting your brain with various liquids until you figure out what you’re short on. Start with the edibles, because they’re safest — your apple juice, olive oil, ranch. If squirting that stuff into your brain area doesn’t make you feel like your old self, move on to bath products, then as a last resort cleaning agents, injecting right into the brain via the temple via a syringe. This may seem like an incautious approach, but the fact is that the human body — and the brain specifically — produces and uses not just “natural” stuff like olive oil and fruit juice, but also a cornucopia of “industrial” agents like bleach and Windex, and shampoo that conditions as it cleanses.
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name: shannon cain
query: My last name is also Cain and was wondering if I was related to Chris Cain. It would be cool if I were related. please write back!
The answer is yes! You are Chris Cain’s great granddaughter! He has journeyed through time and space searching, and now he has found you! You can expect a visit from Chris Cain and his ceremonial daggers (“The Serpent’s Teeth”) this very evening! Please leave your door unlocked or a window ajar!
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name: Tom.
query: There happens to be llama/ravioli in my pants. I don’t want to get him out, nor do I want him dead. My only question is, how can I adjust my choice in pants to better accomidate the llama/ravioli’s presence? If my pants anger him, he yells at me.
It sounds to us like you are straight tripping balls, friend — straight tripping balls! The problem may lie not with the llama or the ravioli, nor even with the pants, but with the fact that you appear to be straight tripping on your very balls.
Our advice is that you concern yourself primarily with the whereabouts of your balls so that you can ultimately spend less time tripping on them. Truly, you’re like a detective who has stumbled onto the clue that will crack the case, except you’ve stumbled right onto your own balls.
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name: matt
query: Whats up with the pink side of your site, I like your music a lot but its kind of creepy as far as website experiences go. I have to be all secretive if I view your site to make sure other guys don’t see it. Could you please make it more man friendly.. Am I metro-sexual if I really like your music?
Great question, great question. Are you a metrosexual if you like We Are Scientists? Probably. You are definitely gay. The only question is, are you a gay girl, or are you a gay dude? If you’re a gay girl, then you’re not a metrosexual. If you’re a gay guy, then you’re a metrosexual gay guy. In either case, you love the color pink, which is why we haven’t bothered to make the website more neutral. What would be the point, when all of our fans are either girls or gay metrosexual dudes, both of whom can’t get enough pink? (Note that here we mean “pink” the color, not “pink” the slang term for girls’ vaginas. Although gay girls love vaginas — be they pink, red, brown, or rainbow, like the toucan — metrosexual gay guys couldn’t care less about “pink” when it means vaginas and not the lovely light shade of red.)
In short, there is no version of our site with machine guns and german shepherds and beer bongs and chinese stars and pizza in the works. Although if you were to visit any of us at home you would see plenty of that kind of thing.
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name: pixie
query: please explain how a quadraplegic can use a walking frame to smash up a mouse, as you suggest [here]?
It will come as a shock to very few of our readers — though Pixie presumably counts toward their number — that people who are quadriplegic have the ability to control things with their minds. One needn’t follow modern science too closely to know that when a person has lost one or more of his senses, those that remain become more acute: the blind typically have better hearing than their sighted counterparts. This tendency manifests itself in a quadriplegic as a heightening of the telekinetic sense, allowing him to bend spoons using only his mind, to levitate cars, tap phone lines, reverse the planets’ orbits, and yes, to use a walking frame to trample a mouse.
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name: amelia
query: dear scientists. i hate my uni degree. i don’t want to finish it or work in that profession. lead me to a more suitable path. what should i do with my time?
Get nuts, dude! Nobody has ever regretted just getting nuts with their time! Wave goodbye to your cares and sorrows and take the step of getting nuts!
Here is a list of famous people who have gotten nuts:
George W. Bush
And as is very clear to anybody watching, dude is finding it pretty sweet, getting nuts! No regrets about getting nuts! One person we forgot who also regularly got nuts is Orco from the He-Man cartoon — Orco could barely complete simple tasks he was so nuts, but nobody was having a better time with the middle ages than him! Take it from GWB and Orco and use your time wisely with constant nuts getting!
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name: Sarah
query: when you write songs, what comes first the lyrics or the music?
The pile of bills.