Dustin, NA, Alex

name: Dustin
query: Hey, im 16 and i just recentky told my friends and some other people that i am not a virgin, but i really am, and i have let it go now so long, that now when i tell them that i was lying they dont believe me and i was just wondering. What are the statistics for how many guys lie about not being a virgin? i would appreciate if u could answer this for me. thank you.
Sincerly,
Dustin

Dustin,
If your friends won’t believe the truth, then lying to them is the only way you and they will ever have a friendly conversation.
As to how many guys lie about not being a virgin, we did an informal survey of the band and came up with 100%. Extrapolate those numbers and you find that most and maybe all young men dishonestly deny their sexual inexperience. Who can say why? Is it because chicks only want to do guys who have done tons of other chicks? While chicks definitely feel that way, there may be something more to it. It may be that a fella’s inclination to lie is really based on a desire to seem mature, knowledgeable, cool to his male friends. Certainly that’s the reason a guy gets a fake I.D.: not to fool a bouncer into thinking he’s older than he really is, but to fool his buddies. “Oh, you guys thought I was fourteen like you? No, no. No, man, check out my I.D… yeah, I’ll be twenty-two in July.”
Not to amplify the significant pressure that you apparently already feel to check off “nother person” on your To Do list, but have you considered that one easy way to solve the problem would be for you to go ahead and actually lose your virginity, except for real this time? An informal poll of the members of W.A.S. shows that nearly 35% of us enjoyed the experience of losing our virginity, and a full 66%(!!) are “kind of glad” or “very glad” that they ever did. Strong results that speak a powerful message, Dustin.
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name: N/A
query: I’m confused.
Us too, but in a good way, you know? Like, who really wants to have it all figured out? How great is the not knowing, the anticipation, the hoping! How much better than the naked form is the carefully clothed one! How much more exciting the question before you than the answer unveiled! What point would there be to any of this, N/A, if we knew where it would all lead? Cursed omniscience! Weep for God, N/A, and his lidless vision!
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name: Alex
query: Hey guys, i have been thinking latley about asking this girl out at my school, but i dont think she likes me. i’m short and fat, how can i get her to like me?
Alex,
If We Are Scientists has taught the world anything, it’s that guys who don’t necessarily fit the Beveryly Hills 90210 formula for male hotness (baggy jeans shorts; tall, stiff hair; fake jobs; etc.) can still appeal to women. All you have to do is be in a triple-awesome rock band. Do that, and you’re home free. Short and fat? Irrelevant. Look at Matt Pryor of The Get Up Kids — dude’s shaped like Danny DeVito, yet he’s got em lining up. Probably he does. At any rate, that guy from Smashmouth, the lead singer guy, is clearly rolling in dates. Every time he shows up at some insiders-only event, like a movie premier or a Toys-R-Us opening, his stretch H2 disgorges dozens of bulemic actress-waitresses in a farcical, Caligulan emulation of the old “How many more clowns can possibly come out of that mini-bus?” trick.
Now, if the problem is that you’re not only short and fat but also operating outside the pheremoneous cloud of rock, then the situation is substantially more complex. What you’ll have to do, Alex, in the absence of both celebrity cach� and traditional good looks, is present this girl with something else to make up for it. Whether it be a decent sense of humor, an impressive (non-Star Trek) skill, or a compassionate kindness that her CEO dad and quarterback-ex-boyfriend never had the time to show her, you’ll need to bring something to the table. Because while there are girls out there who’ll date you simply because they feel sorry for you, who think that, like an old mutt with a smashed hip, you deserve their pity — while these girls do exist, and they’re not bad people, sympathy is the foundation for a pretty dull romance, one you might as well avoid. Hold out for a chick whom you fascinate. Avoid the horror that is 99.4% of highschool romance. Unless you’re in college, in which case we can’t recommend too strongly that you treat yourself to a nice highschool romance.