Critter Companions, Purple Streaks, and Dating Problems

I am thinking of getting a new critter companion (my rat has become a crack addict and my cat got eaten by a fox) which do you think will be better to share my life with:a raven called Nero or a Human Botfly named Jenkins?Which do you think would come across more intimidating and less attractive/sexually inticing to cannibals? If you have trouble answering the previous mind-blowing question,which would put you off of eating my flesh more?

Thank you and good night,

Hey, Twemmy. It sounds like what you’re really wondering is how to avoid meeting your end, bit by bit, on the tip of a cannibal’s fork, or between the tips of a cannibal’s chopsticks, or stewing around in a cannibal’s cauldron – stewing, needless to say, in your own juices. Welcome, Twemmy, to a strange old thing called Life. All creatures, from botflies to ravens to rats, spend their days bathed in fear of same-species consumption – what George Bush Jr first called “cannonball-ism.” You are neither special nor new. And yet, be comforted that your fear is not irrational. Why, Andy has a young dog – not still a puppy, but not yet a hound – named Rufus, who has a hard time thinking about anything other than theoretical scenarios in which he is devoured by other dogs. We know this because we have successfully connected his thoughts to a TV!

Hello, great men of science.

My name is Lily, and I would like some advice. I just dyed my hair purple (Just a small bit in the back and few streaks up near the front.) What color do you suggest I dye it next?

Hi, Lily. First of all, Congratulations. You dyed your Hair, You say? That’s really great. Purple, too! Just great. And it sounds like You successfully marshaled Restraint and kept the Dye Job classy — a Little in the Back, and a few Streaks up Front, if Memory serves. No mean Feat, Moderation being a Virtue rarely within easy Reach to Those who set off down the Hair Color Path. So, again, Congratulations!

And now, though, you’d like to know what Color to use next? Not so fast, Lily. No so flippin’ fast. What’s your Rush? Are you living with a terminal Illness? Has your Doctor given you three Months to live? If so and you simply neglected to mention It, then by all means: On to the next Shade! Hustle to the next Hue! If, on the other Hand, you have Reason to expect that a nice, full Life lies ahead of You, then We implore You: calm Thyself. Enjoy your purple Streaks. Take Them out on the Town. Take Them to Prom. Book Passage for a Year at Sea, and bring your Wine-dark Stripes with You!

There is a Reason, Lily, that Humankind’s Stores of Hair Dye are running desperately low. It is the fickle, flip-flopping Whimsy of hairy young Women with little or no Sense of Color Commitment. Don’t join their Ranks, Lily! Save your Streaks till Marriage, at least!

Dear guys,
I have been very unlucky with the ladies for the last year. I left my ex cause she was crazy, after that I have not been able to find a decent nor sane girl after wards. And since you guys seems to have the best luck in finding some ladies I was wondering if you can help me. On a side note I’ll be seeing you at Maxwells, already have my ticket.


Hi, Dimo. First of all, sorry for the tardiness of this reply. Despite your query having been sent in January of 2010, we’re going to push forward under the assumption that you’re STILL having serious lady problems, that they’ve been a brutal plague on all of your adult years. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you seem like the kind of fellow who, try as he might, just can’t get it right with girls. So here are a coupla tips from a coupla dudes who, as you mention in your letter, “have the best luck in finding some ladies”:

– BUY THAT LADY A CAR. Old-fashioned but true: girls like guys who have “serious money.” Show her you have serious money by buying her a car. “The first time I see her?” Yes! Before some other guy does! Drive her new car right through the facade of the bar where she’s hanging out to make a strong “money don’t matter” impression.

– DEMONSTRATE AWARENESS OF CURRENT EVENTS. Women like guys who are keyed in to the world around them. It shows you’re not super-self-obsessed. It shows that although you may well have a name for your penis, you aren’t very strict about people using it. Say, “It’s amazing how much things are happen in a world all day according to some newspapers I like!” Got her.

– DANCE WITH HER. Dancing is a way of telegraphing what kind of person you are physically. Are you rhythmic? Strong? Timid? Deceptive? It will come across in your dancing. Learn to move as many parts of your body as you can, as fast as possible, when dancing. This will show that you have strong morals.

– LIAM NEESON. Find a way of getting into a discussion about “favorite actors.” Tell her yours is Liam Neeson. Tell her you think he has a beautiful spirit. Tell her you met him once and he talked for hours about his childhood, about his father, and growing up in Ireland in the 1960’s, and getting shit from the other kids because his home was constructed from whale muscle.

And just like that, Dimo, you’ll find yourself having flirtatious, promising exchanges with intelligent, funny ladies who are both decent and sane. From there, good friend, it’s up to you.

Submit your advice requests to advice[at] We will get back to you within a couple of years.