Bubba Da Cat, Claire Lynn, Tim, Carrie, Dresden, Vicky, Steph, Patrick McKernan

name: Bubba Da Cat
query: I’ve been without a womanly companion for many months now. I’m 19 and I’m going to go back to school soon, but I’d love some tips from you guys on how to “woo” the women. Any help is appreciated.
From me to you,
Bubba Da Cat

Bubba D.C.,
The most important thing for attracting women is saying the right thing during conversation:

  • “Hello am I Bubba.”

  • “Do you mind if I order for you? I certainly prefer it.”
  • “I want to be fucked by you, like an animal; I want to feel you on my insides.”
  • “You’re an old soul, [girl’s name]-Mae.”
  • “Can you keep a secret? It’s about an illegal violent crime.”

Those are all great places to start. Rule #2: Just be yourself!
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name: Claire Lynn
query: Hey, WAS. Here’s my question. It’s a doozie, so brace yourselves. If you were invisible for one day (that’s 24 hours, mind you), what would YOU do? I’m simply stumped, personally.
Hey, Claire Lynn. Unfortunately we didn’t take your warning very seriously, and so we didn’t brace ourselves, and that question very nearly knocked us off of the ladder and into the fireplace. Thank jesus it didn’t. It’s not a working fireplace, this being New York City and fire codes being what they are, but we still light fires in there all the time and there was a near-bonfire tumbling around in there like a load of laundry in the dryer, except the clothes were pure flame. So again, thank sweet bellowing christ that your question didn’t send us flying right off the damn ladder like a stuntman yanked by a cord, as it very almost did.
Hey so what’s your question? Invisible for a day? Hmm…. Well, I think we would definitely go to the nearest river and catch fish with our bare hands, which would be easy if you were invisible because the fish would never even suspect danger and then *POP* — they’re being rended by your mighty jaws, your two-inch teeth exploring their most private physical terrain. They’re lunch. Probably sell the extra fish we couldn’t eat at Fulton market and make a fucking killing, live like kings the rest of our lives.
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name: tim
query: you all suk cock, especially the dustin guy. u make me sick, go drink some egg nog bell tend
Tim: Of course Dustin sucks cock, friend — that’s the reason he’s in the band! Why, if he didn’t suck cock, what the hell use would he be? Can’t sing, can’t play an instrument … CAN suck a mean cock! Thank god for it! Sometimes it’s exactly what you need after a long day on the road, your cock sucked. Sometimes that’s what you need more than a good meal or a good night’s rest or some Emergen-C, is your cock sucked by Dustin, that guy in our band.
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name: Carrie
query: Right. I’ve been pondering something: why do people say “Happy Holidays” but still show a picture of Santa? I’m just not convinced that Santa is also wishing people a Happy Hanukkah. If one is going to write a holiday-themed message in front of a picture of Father Christmas himself, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to say “Merry Christmas”? Trying to make a religiously neutral statement with a picture of St. Nicholas seems counter-productive. What can be done about this?
Carrie,
That’s not Santa on the card, it’s notorious screen curmudgeon Wilford Brimley.
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name: Dresden
query: This is kind of a three part question…
Have you guys ever heard of a band called ‘Gatsby’s American Dream’ ? If so, what do you think? What are some bands that the good ol’ scientists like? AND…I live in WA. Will you guys ever play a show in Seattle, or around? I’d like to see you guys in concert. As well as throw my money at you, in exchange for a t-shirt and CD(s). Thanks!

Dresden,
Never heard of GAD, but we’ll keep our eyes open. A couple of randomly selected bands that we’ve been spinning on our matching U2 iPods lately are Dirty Little Secret, The Blood Arm, Ram it Home, and Foreign Born. And yes, we’ll undoubtedly play Seattle at some point this Spring. Here’s a joke about Seattle:

Why does it rain so much in Seattle? Because birds love to pee on Seattle. That’s not rain it’s bird pee. Every day thousands of birds fly over Seattle at great altitude and they loose their bladders all over “fair” Seattle.

Our grandma used to love to tell us that one when we were little and she was drunk. That’s right, the three members of We Are Scientists have the same grandma, at least for the sake of Official Myth. For the sake of Official Myth, we are all sexually potent as well, all three of us.
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name: vicky
query: Hi-
i recently purchased a male pygmy goat, because the pet store was out of kittens, and i was wondering if it would be safe to keep him with my small pen of male rabbits. they really tear at the pen door when the goat gets close, i think they just really want a new roomie. isn’t that just adorable?

Vicky,
Stop right where you are. DON’T: put that pygmy goat in with them rabbies. Them rabbies, let us assure you, want more than a new roommate. Them rabbies want to take the pygmy goat’s male goathood away from him, to sever it from his undercarriage with their satanic teeth, speaking technically. Then they will run around laughing their horrible silent laughter and smearing themselves with that goat’s vitality. Look, rabbies are among the most jealous, mean-spirited, cuddly creatures in god’s whole nutty kingdom, and the best thing for you to do — if you even have a shotgun — is to go out back in the garden and gun them rabbies all over their cage.
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name: Steph
query: There’s this band I really like, and I want to buy one of their extremely cool t-shirts, but the only color available is really ugly. Should I buy the shirt anyway, or wait and hope they eventually come to their senses and make more attractive shirts?
Steph,
Fuck it — if they’ve got no taste, don’t reward them! Just get one of our shirts, they’re pretty cool: Merch page.
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name: patrick mckernan
query: know any 13 year old girls who need a boyfriend please
HELP!!!!! im very desprate

Dude,
These 13 year old girls — if we knew them, they wouldn’t need a boyfriend! See what we’re saying!