query: Lovely scientists, there is a full moon tonight and I am without anything silver. I do however have a copper penny with Abe Lincoln’s head on it. I have also put on a fake mustache to attempt to fool them into thinking I am one of them. What should I do to keep the werewolvses away?
You have to act fast. First, glue together a small man out of toothpicks. Now glue Abe Lincoln’s coppery head on there. Now glue the fake mustache onto the toothpicks so that Abe Lincoln appears to be wearing a werewolf-fur coat. Now put this guy on the other side of town from where you intend to hang out tonight.
name: Tom and Bryn
query: if you’re going downtown (which is about 5 miles away), how long would it take to get there on a bus on a rainy day?
also have you seen wallace and gromit yet?
It will take you three minutes to get downtown, because buses travel one hundred miles per hour in the rain, because bus drivers think that police radar doesn’t work in the rain. You say to yourself, “Isn’t it dangerous, driving that fast in the rain?” Well, yes, but you don’t take the bus for a safe, conservative ride, you take it to see what’s going to happen that day on the bus.
query: I’ve just found out that you’re album is out in my homeland (U.K.). Usually I buy albums the day they come out, just so I can prove to my friends that I’m infinitely more scene than they are, but now, I’ve lost that privaledge. What can I do?
You have three options. First, you can travel back in time and get the album on the day it comes out; a corollary sub-option here is to send a message back in time to your October 17th self and urge him to buy the album — tell him his very scenicness is at stake. Second, you can buy the album today, then launch an elaborate campaign to convince your peer group that purchasing albums exactly 8 weeks after they come out is scene’s ne plus ultra. Third, you can cut up all your friends and find a new set of friends with whom to begin meticulously building a positive scene rating. As the first two options are completely impracticable, we recommend the third option, except legally. In a legal sense, we recommend pursuing the first option. But yeah, no, do the third thing.
name: pants and mill
query: wat do i do. thers this lad i fanci. an he dunt evan no hu i am. my frend pants nos him. but i wnt to get to no im too. wat do i do? u see….im a year younger than him aswell, so it makes it evan harder to try an see im. how can i get im to notice me?
You have but three options. First, you can invent time travel. That will definitely get this dude’s attention. A corollary sub-option here is to successfully send a message back through time to, say, the him of two months ago — maybe just a note saying “Hey! It’s me, Mill! From Simple Tools Making class! Just wanted to say ‘Hi’, but from the very near future!” He will be fucking flabbergasted probably. Second, you can launch an elaborate campaign to convince his peer group that when it comes to people worth knowing, you are the ne plus ultra. Getting an introduction with you will then become the primary goal not only of this dude, but of the other guys he hangs out with, whom you may ultimately find to be more satisfying, attentive lovers, even if they lack all of dude’s flashy equipment. Third, you can kill your objet’s family; this will put you all over his radar, for all of time. As the first two options are completely impracticable, we recommend the third option, except legally. Legally, we recommend you just walk up to the fucking dude and say “Hey! I’m Mill! We’re in Simple Tools together, right?”
name: Nansi (aka pants)
query: thers a lad i fancy at skul. he is givin really wierd signals. he uses lots of txts on me. hmmmm. i dnt no. he fancies some one else apparantly. but i dont think i believe him. all his m8s think he likes me tho. hes a year older than me and a lot taller. ive got cystic fibrosis. do you think my illness could be a part of him not wanting to go out with me?
Your first step is to assure the object of your affection that cystic fibrosis isn’t contagious. He sounds like an ignorant sonofabitch, so the possibility of contracting your malady is definitely something he’s stewing over — not in those words, of course. No, he’s thinking, “Her sick make him sick? Like porcupine make Flash sick when him play on porcupine?”
Once you strip away the naked terror he’s been feeling toward you, the wooing process can begin. Start by giving him treats — crackers, pretzels, those little Pounce succulents for cats. This causes him to think of you as “friend”. The next and final step is to rescue him from danger — take him to the hospital when he’s sick, push him out of the way of a careening rainy-day bus, maybe even have one of your friends anonymously kidnap him; then you heroically storm the dilapidated old house, lower a bucket into the pit and pull him out, rush him to the hospital and get his wounds closed up and get him hydrated. If you can make him feel that you’ve saved his life, he’ll be permanently grateful to you, all the way down to his bones. It’s that kind of aching-heart, weak-kneed gratitude that makes for a hell of a nice romance.
name: charlie brown =)
query: yeahh..i need your lyrics!! bought your album today. its amazing, but i have this thing for the lyrics..so i can sing along =D so where can i get them? and i WANT my lip pierced..my dad said no, mum said yeah (i hatee it when that happens) and its my birthday soon…can you think of a way i can persuade him?
You’re going to feel pretty foolish about this lyrics thing when we tell you that they’ve been right in front of you the whole time. You see, they’re on the album that you bought — that’s actually what Keith’s singing the whole time! The lyrics!
You’ve probably just scampered off to pop the CD into your boom box and get to work learning those lyrics, but in case you’re still reading, here’s what you do about the lip piercing thing, because yeah, you’d better goddamn well believe we know how you can persuade him. Here’s the thing: there’s a certain type of dad who thinks that jewelry is just fuckin dumb, especially on boys, especially lip piercings. Sounds like you maybe drew this exact dad. What he wants is for you to be “normal” — “normal” as defined by what boys looked like and acted like way back when he was your age. Which leaves you with three options.