Advice
- Snobby boyfriend, haircuts, and first time drinkersMay 20th, 2010View
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name: Elle
query: My man-friend (not my boyfriend!) always makes us watch movies that make me want to puke. EVERY film is pretentiously foreign or vomit inducing – no honest to goodness, kick someone in the balls and make a crass joke films. No TV sitcoms that aren’t full of English blokes with bad teeth and poor hygiene, NO arrested development marathons – No..they all have MEANING and..what’s that thing,substance? Anyway, they’re all real creepy and it’s annoying because all we do is cuddle up on the couch and watch movies. Listen, I’ve tried drowning them out with glasses of wine – nothing works! How do I get him to watch some shit, funny, non-creepy movies that don’t drive me to alcoholism?Sounds like your fella is one step away from centering the evening’s recreation around the viewing of a snuff film. His insistence on and craving for “reality” is a perversion of man’s natural approach to entertainment. Entertainment is not meant to shove our noses into the filthy facts that surround us; its mandate is to whisk us away from that, to take us to a sillier, sunnier place populated by hot people — a place where even the ugly friend character with the whiny voice is super duper fuckable, where, when you watch the show, you fairly ache to fuck that ugly friend. In the real world, people’s ugly friends are legitimately repellant.
If your guy continues down this road, it won’t be long before the only thing he considers “entertainment” is sport executions and torture, filmed with minimum embellishment so that the authenticity is indisputable. Talk about needing a drink simply to get through the film! You, Elle, will doubtless find yourself turning to stronger and stronger chemical blinders. You’ll come home from work and swallow a handful of Vicodin before you even set your keys down on the counter. Before long, you’ll be little more than a zombie. When lucidity does assert itself — as a result of burning yourself in the kitchen, perhaps, or of falling into an icy river – it will be a place of psychic excruciation so unendurable that you’ll consider jumping out the nearest window just to make the thinking stop. Your partner, meanwhile, will have descended into a world where impossibly graphic displays of agony and dread will feel like the only thing that is truly real. All else will strike him as frivolous, a deception. His skin will grow pale as the moon, his corneas will swell and blacken, and he’ll lose his ability to speak in anything other than a bestial gibber.
Truly, Elle, your concern is well founded. Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do.
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name: Andy
query: Dear Sirs, Why does your hair look its best on the day you decide to get it cut? Its a simple psychological thing.Yours Andy,
DublinGood insight, Andy. We would say you’re probably right.
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name: Tess, Marie & Sara
query: We have never drank before. What is it going to be like? We heard that some people who drink end up feeling funny. We were hoping to see what “all the hype is about” on July 7th of this year since that is the day that we will collectively turn 21 years of age. Please grant us our wish of getting drunk with real life scientists because we know that is the only way we will feel safe (who better than scientists to prepare us for physiological effects of drinking). We’d like this to occur at the Detroit Bar. That’s in California.Please don’t let us down. The happiness of our lives depend on this.
Thank you.
Guys, you’re thinking of doctors; it’s doctors who would be the safe choice to drink with during your first bacchanal. Scientists, with their trademark “objectivity,” their practiced eschewing of emotion, their atheistic belief that the energy in a beetle is the same as the energy in a human being, belong to one of the least safe categories of people to hang out with during an insecure time. “Let’s release some heat into the universe,” they suggest dispassionately as they gun down naive bible salesmen who’ve been careless enough to ring a scientist’s doorbell.
Of course, we’re not even really scientists. No, seriously! We’re just in a band called “We Are Scientists.” That’s right, we’re rock musicians, undoubtably the very worst kind of person to be around when safety is a concern. Throughout their short history, rock musicians have used any device available to them (Usually alcohol! Often at Detroit Bar!) to self destruct. No, you’d be pretty crazy to hitch your wagon to a rock musician in any situation that (a) involves alcohol, and (b) you will not have armed guards.
We must, for these reasons, decline your offer. Not that we don’t desperately want to accept, but right now, in the glare of hung-over mid-afternoon daylight, we’re experienced enough to know that if we show up at your birthday party, one of you will end up pregnant, one will end up dead, and one will seriously regret having invited us in the first place.
- Paddleball, poetry, finding a prom dateJune 28th, 2007View
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name: Mimi
query: What is the difference between a muffin and a cupcake?
A muffin has a fish center. A cupcake has icing on top, and has a center of pork or boar. Muffins originated in France and are still considered a top-shelf delicacy in that country; meanwhile, Italians, who invented cupcakes, regard them as acceptable nourishment only for prisoners and cattle.
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name: blake
query: how can you understand poetry?
Ah, but that is the point of poetry: to narrowly skirt the line on whose other side lies total gibberish. A poem should suggest meaning, but you should never be sure of what it’s saying. A poem that you fully understand is a terrible poem that fails in poetry’s one objective: to mystify the reader.
Here is an example of a perfectly good poem:
I raked leaves today
down
down
down
down
down
off the roof onto
your job interview came in the mail?
Powerfully suggestive, endlessly evocative, but ultimately impossible to parse.
Here, by contrast, is a shitty poem:
Mark lent me his ruler this morning
What makes it bad? The lack of mystery, of the suspense of un-knowing, or antiknowing, or “knowing without knowledge”.
Let’s take a look at another great classic that you’ll probably recognize from school:
Running my hand through your hair
my finger caught a knot.
I pushed gently
but the knot wouldn’t not not not not yield.
Did the knot come untangled, did it “yield”? Did the speaker get his hand out of the other person’s hair, or is it still stuck in there on that knot? The poem leaves this question open, with the possibility of several alternatives. “Not” is repeated so many times that the reader would have a tremendously difficult time figuring out exactly how “yield” is being is modified. The puzzle is rendered utterly insoluble by the addition of the homophone “knot”, which multiplies our confusion to an irreducible degree.
Is that guy’s hand stuck in that girl’s hair? Great fucking poem.
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name: Rachel
query: How skilled are each of you at paddle ball?
Glad you asked.
Here’s how we stack up against one another:
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name: Brandi
query: Ok i’m A girl and i need to find a prom date but I think it would be very akward to ask a guy what should I do?
There are a couple of reliable ways to get a guy to ask you to prom.
1) Go up to a guy and go, “Hey, will you read this out loud? Don’t fucking think about it just read it right now!!” And you show him a piece of paper that has “Want to go to prom” written on it. And so when he reads that you go, “You’re asking me? Oh my god, you’re asking me to prom? Yes, sure, yes! I’ll go! I will! I’d love to go with you!”
2) Come up behind a guy and grab his hair and hold a big hunting knife against his neck (hold it hard! It’s better to cut him a little than to hold it limply and not sell the stunt) and whisper into his ear, all threatening, “REPEAT AFTER ME. DO YOU.” And then wait for him to say “do you.” Then go, “WANT TO.” Let him say “want to.” Go, “GO TO PROM.” He’s all, “go to prom.” Then, “WITH ME.” He says, “with me.” “BRANDI.” Let him go, “Brandi.” Then get a kind of surprised, kind of embarrassed, but definitely pleased tone in your voice and be all, “Um… yeah. Yeah, sure, I’d love to.” Then knock him out with the butt of the knife, blindfold him, tie him up, put him in your car, and squirrel him away in your basement till prom rolls around, then get him out and take him to prom. This last step prevents him from welching on his offer.
3) Get a guy’s number and call him up — make it night, like around 4 in the morning. When he gets on the phone be like, “We have your sister.” Disguise your voice with one of those voice disguisers (you can get them at any supermarket). Have the thing make your voice super-deep. Be all, “Unless you do exactly as we say, we will begin cutting off parts and stop when there’s nothing big enough to cut off without the risk of cutting our finger by trying to hold the part that we’re trying to cut the other part off of.” Then put his sister on the phone and electrocute her or stomp her or something to make her cry out in pain. At this point the guy will probably yell something like “OKAY OKAY!! I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!! OH GOD!! OH JESUS JUST PLEASE DON’T HURT HER!!” When you hear those words, that means you’re going to prom. Take a second to congratulate yourself in your head. Job’s not done yet, though. Now go, “Tomorrow you will go to school. You will find Brandi. You will ask her a question. The question will be, do you want to go to prom. If she says yes, you will take her to prom next month. You will rent a limo, and you will get [name of cool friend of guy] and his date to share the limo with you and Brandi. You will make alcohol available to everyone. After prom is over, you will take Brandi to a good hotel and let her fuck you. You will stay over at the hotel with Brandi and let her fuck you again in the morning.” He may need you to go over the details a few times — remember, it’s late at night, you’ve just woken him up, and he’s scared. Tell him his sister will be returned at lunch time on the day after prom. Et, voila! You have a wonderful prom in store! Get rid of the sister as soon as you’ve made the call because she now represents a major liability rather than an important bargaining chip.
4) Create an email account the name of which has absolutely nothing to do with your appearance or name or anything else about you that this guy would know about. Then email the guy from your new account, and write “Dear [whoever], I have it on good authority that if you were to ask Brandi to prom, she would say yes. You should totally do it, as all us guys[!] agree that she’s the sexiest girl in school. She doesn’t know anything about this. How, you ask, do I know that she’ll say yes then? For many years, I have observed human behavior, making a careful study of what makes people want certain things but not others. I can now tell with a high degree of accuracy how a person will behave in a given situation, even if they don’t really know themselves. The reality is that Brandi probably doesn’t even know your name, much less actively yearn to go to prom with you. However, by watching her for several weeks, I’ve determined that if you ask her, she would say yes, and even go to bed with you after prom. Therefore, it is my professional opinion that you should ask her. Sincerely, an anonymous friend”
Have a great time at prom! Remember to wipe down your room for any kind of evidence that his sister was ever there, as you’re likely to receive a cursory visit from the cops after the call, and you can never be too careful!
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name: jostein
query: I smell bad under my knees. How come? Do i eat too much turkey? ehh? ehhhhh? eh?
You don’t eat enough turkey. If you ate too much turkey, you’d smell bad on top of your knees. Only by eating the exact right amount of turkey will you eliminate odor from your knees, though eating that exact right amount of turkey can actually cause your cell phone to smell… bad isn’t the word, but intense, somewhere between pine and freshly laid blacktop.
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name: Amaar
query: ok guys, so on a scale of one to ten, how hard do you think it would be for someone to put on pants if they had no arms?
It would be a good 6 or 7 to put pants on themselves, but only a 2 to put pants on someone else, as they would be able to use their mouth.
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name: Jon
query: K this question si really important. if i put on a godzilla mask riht now, would i scare all of tokyo?
Are you the mayor of Tokyo? If so then yes, if you leave the mask on for a few months. - Film studies advice/Will you fuck my duck?/What’s the best laptop?/Why do cats scream inside bags?/How do you make yourself happy?/Am I related to Chris Cain?/There is llama-ravioli in my pants/Does your site being pink make me gay?/Please explain quadriplegics’ powers/What should I do instead of uni?/Do lyrics or music come first?March 6th, 2007View
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name: Emma
query: How would you suggest I get through my Film Studies coursework without killing myself? It isnt even that its hard, its just loooooooong… help
It’s true, rarely does an independent film succeed these days without the protagonist slaying him or herself at some point during the plot’s unfolding — during the first act, often as not. Who can forget Deep Blue Sea, Renny Harlan’s 1973 paragon of independent documentary film making, in which actor Samuel Jackson, the main character, is severed in two just below the ribs by a hyper-intelligent battle shark with a mouth like a bear trap in a world where bears are 40 ft. tall (such as the one proposed in Renny Harlan’s follow-up docu-drama: Space Journey: Bear Planet World).
But making a big movie that will make big waves is about bucking established trends, not heeding them. So our advice is that you make a film in which you, the protagonist, don’t die until the very, very end. Possibly your death is just implied, even, rather than displayed in loving detail. Granted, this won’t work for a serious film, but a romantic comedy or Pixar-esque family romp might just get away with it.
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name: Dr Jesse Puddleduck
query: Dear sirs.
I have a duck, his name is Pablo and i find him to be about 746% FUNKY. he’s not actually a duck, he’s a plastic duck, a plastic ducks head, stuck on the body of a smaller plastic duck.
My question is, would any of the members of We Are Scientists like to volunteer to become Pablo Denis Puddleduck’s official sexy man-bitch?
Regards, Captain Myxomatosis.
Dear Mr. Captain,
We are giving your offer careful consideration. One way or the other, after we’ve made a decision we will telephone you regarding your handsome offer. Your issue is important to us, and is being given the attention it deserves. Our expert staff is currently scrutinizing your generous offer in order to provide you with an intelligent, carefully weighed response.
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name: Remy
query: What is the best brand of Laptop to buy?
Okay, are you serious? Unless you’re a total freakin idiot or you’re just looking to throw away money to a gigantic megacorporation or both, there’s absolutely no reason for you not to build your own laptop. Why do that, you ask? Oh, let me think, because it’s lighter, faster, cheaper, better, and more customizable than any piece of crap Dell or HP or whatever evil megacorp you were hoping to sponsor with your purchase. But I don’t know how to build my own laptop, you screech. Well fortunately for you, I do know how, better than you would even after a hundred years of training, and I’m perfectly happy to give you detailed instructions, because I’m not some greed-hungry dictator like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs or pick your favorite.
I’m not going to put together a whole shopping list of things you need to get, rather I’ll just write the instructions down and if you see an item that you don’t have, that means a lightbulb should go on somewhere in your cave-head and you should go buy one of said items. All of the so-called ingredients that you’ll need you can buy at pretty much any store in the world.
First you’re going to attach your motherboard to the hard drive. First of all, on the side of the box that you buy your drive in there will be a number X rpm, such as 5200 rpm. Make sure that number is divisible by 64 MINIMUM, or you’ll be cursing yourself for the next thousand years as you wait for your computer to calculate five times five or the square root of four or something. Connect the drive to the motherboard. For this you should be using FirstDigital gigaWire with gigaSheath sheathing, or you might as well just buy a piece of shit IBM. (Note that your motherboard should have a MINIMUM of 4 gb cache-process data management speed time processing, or the gigaSheath might as well not be there, like saying sorry to someone who’s dead, and the thing you’re apologizing for is what got them killed.)
Now you’re going to attach your port array. If you plan on plugging anything into your computer, that is if you plan on using it for anything other than writing “I am an idiot” on the screen a hundred times a day and sending emails to the post office asking them when they can come pick up all the letters you’ve written this week, you need a MINIMUM of the following ports: 3 firewire 800g, 2 firewire 400 (9 pin), 5 USB-powered, 1 SCSI-c (64 nano-pin), 2 digital-to-analog, 2 analog-to-analog, 1 analog, 1 reverse digital, 2 device universalPort, 2 PC card multi, 2 multiPort, 1 audio in, 1 mic in, 1 mic out, 1 mic-to-mic, 1 digital-to-mic. Best way to connect these is to get a slidePort port array housing, drop them in there in whatever order will best serve your needs, and drop it in there.
Now, how am I going to type on this thing without a keypad, and if so, which keypad? you’re asking. Well, obviously, and the answer is that you want to go one of two ways with the keypad. Either go with a K-Tec LumiGloss 140-key rubberized mini-board, which is what I got my parents last xmas and is pretty much the best keypad in the world, or if you’re going to plan on spending a serious amount of time on this thing and comfort is your highest consideration, go with a TFT 514-key jewelKey iSystem intelliBoard with triple function-key row (F1 through F36), which I would recommend adding the hiddenMouse FreeSpin trackball to, which is the keypad I use, which is easily the best keypad that will ever be invented in our solar system, even if our solar system lasts for the rest of time, and in about five hundred years every scientists dedicates themselves full-time to besting the TFT 514-key. If you’re looking at some piece of crap Logitech keypad or similar, just save yourself the fifty bucks and have a friend run over your hands with his car, because your carpel tunnel is going to be so bad in six months you won’t notice the difference, but you’ll still have fifty bucks, assuming your friend is willing to run over your hands as a favor, gratis.
Finally, you need a screen. People are of different minds when it comes to screens, but for me there’s really only really one real choice that is large enough to make sense for sitting in front of for multiple hours, but still can be considered genuinely portable: the SJTdigital 24″/18″ multi-length TRUEtone ONEbRIGHT multiTone matte-gloss CMYKameleon invisiTube LCD in size medium is pretty much the only screen on the market that anyone who has ever used a computer will ever willingly use, these days.
You’re up and running, and you’re not a slave to some evil corporate tech support force who’s going to charge you $15 a second to listen to them work on their accent. If something goes wrong with your new laptop — which nothing will, because if you followed my instructions to the letter you’ve just built the best laptop money can buy — you can just fix it yourself.
Maybe you’re asking yourself if it can really be that simple, but yes, it can and is. There’s a lot of other stupid additions that people will tell you you should make to your laptop, built in camera, wifi card, etc., etc.. These people work for Gateway or Apple, or they are just complete idiots, which is actually redundant. You can glue all kinds of garbage onto your box, but at the end of the day you don’t need any of it if you’re trying to do serious work without being distracted by little sirens and lasers. Some of my friends, although I wouldn’t really call them friends because of this, own expensive laptops that they ordered from Sony or Dell and these computers look like somebody at Dell or Sony dipped them in glue and then rolled them around in a toy store. This is not what you want. You are not a baby lying in a crib entertaining himself with a crazy mobile that has lights all over it and makes animal sounds. You are an adult trying to get to work on a serious project, and the last thing you need on your laptop is cameras and fins and crap to annoy you and slow you down.
Don’t worry about trying to pay me for this info. If you really want to repay me for telling you what pretty much anyone who’s ever used a computer could have told you, feel free to blow up the next Circuit City you come across.
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name: Tone
query: Why does cats scream when you put them into bags, they love it, don’t the`y?
The fact is that cats don’t scream when you put them into bags, they purr. Ergo the phrase “sackful of thunder”.
You may be thinking of a horse, which releases a horrific, jarring scream when put into a bag, even though its apprehension disappears quickly and it can be difficult to pry out once having acclimated.
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name: laura
query: how do you make yourself happy? EH?
One thing that pretty much never fails is to run through your multiplication tables. If that doesn’t work, you’re clinically depressed — there’s a chemical problem in your brain — and the only way to effectively combat it is to play around with injecting your brain with various liquids until you figure out what you’re short on. Start with the edibles, because they’re safest — your apple juice, olive oil, ranch. If squirting that stuff into your brain area doesn’t make you feel like your old self, move on to bath products, then as a last resort cleaning agents, injecting right into the brain via the temple via a syringe. This may seem like an incautious approach, but the fact is that the human body — and the brain specifically — produces and uses not just “natural” stuff like olive oil and fruit juice, but also a cornucopia of “industrial” agents like bleach and Windex, and shampoo that conditions as it cleanses.
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name: shannon cain
query: My last name is also Cain and was wondering if I was related to Chris Cain. It would be cool if I were related. please write back!
The answer is yes! You are Chris Cain’s great granddaughter! He has journeyed through time and space searching, and now he has found you! You can expect a visit from Chris Cain and his ceremonial daggers (“The Serpent’s Teeth”) this very evening! Please leave your door unlocked or a window ajar!
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name: Tom.
query: There happens to be llama/ravioli in my pants. I don’t want to get him out, nor do I want him dead. My only question is, how can I adjust my choice in pants to better accomidate the llama/ravioli’s presence? If my pants anger him, he yells at me.
It sounds to us like you are straight tripping balls, friend — straight tripping balls! The problem may lie not with the llama or the ravioli, nor even with the pants, but with the fact that you appear to be straight tripping on your very balls.
Our advice is that you concern yourself primarily with the whereabouts of your balls so that you can ultimately spend less time tripping on them. Truly, you’re like a detective who has stumbled onto the clue that will crack the case, except you’ve stumbled right onto your own balls.
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name: matt
query: Whats up with the pink side of your site, I like your music a lot but its kind of creepy as far as website experiences go. I have to be all secretive if I view your site to make sure other guys don’t see it. Could you please make it more man friendly.. Am I metro-sexual if I really like your music?
Great question, great question. Are you a metrosexual if you like We Are Scientists? Probably. You are definitely gay. The only question is, are you a gay girl, or are you a gay dude? If you’re a gay girl, then you’re not a metrosexual. If you’re a gay guy, then you’re a metrosexual gay guy. In either case, you love the color pink, which is why we haven’t bothered to make the website more neutral. What would be the point, when all of our fans are either girls or gay metrosexual dudes, both of whom can’t get enough pink? (Note that here we mean “pink” the color, not “pink” the slang term for girls’ vaginas. Although gay girls love vaginas — be they pink, red, brown, or rainbow, like the toucan — metrosexual gay guys couldn’t care less about “pink” when it means vaginas and not the lovely light shade of red.)
In short, there is no version of our site with machine guns and german shepherds and beer bongs and chinese stars and pizza in the works. Although if you were to visit any of us at home you would see plenty of that kind of thing.
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name: pixie
query: please explain how a quadraplegic can use a walking frame to smash up a mouse, as you suggest [here]?
It will come as a shock to very few of our readers — though Pixie presumably counts toward their number — that people who are quadriplegic have the ability to control things with their minds. One needn’t follow modern science too closely to know that when a person has lost one or more of his senses, those that remain become more acute: the blind typically have better hearing than their sighted counterparts. This tendency manifests itself in a quadriplegic as a heightening of the telekinetic sense, allowing him to bend spoons using only his mind, to levitate cars, tap phone lines, reverse the planets’ orbits, and yes, to use a walking frame to trample a mouse.
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name: amelia
query: dear scientists. i hate my uni degree. i don’t want to finish it or work in that profession. lead me to a more suitable path. what should i do with my time?
Get nuts, dude! Nobody has ever regretted just getting nuts with their time! Wave goodbye to your cares and sorrows and take the step of getting nuts!
Here is a list of famous people who have gotten nuts:
George W. Bush
And as is very clear to anybody watching, dude is finding it pretty sweet, getting nuts! No regrets about getting nuts! One person we forgot who also regularly got nuts is Orco from the He-Man cartoon — Orco could barely complete simple tasks he was so nuts, but nobody was having a better time with the middle ages than him! Take it from GWB and Orco and use your time wisely with constant nuts getting!
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name: Sarah
query: when you write songs, what comes first the lyrics or the music?
The pile of bills. - Who’d Win Out Of Kong & Napoleon?/What Does Brooklyn Have To Offer?/How Do I Know If He Likes Me?/Does W.A.S. Like Chicken?November 5th, 2006View
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name: Peter
query: Who would win i a battle King Kong or Napoleon(with army)?
A good question — is the brute juggernaut strength of Napoleon enough to overcome King Kong’s dazzling mind for tactics and strategy? Regardless of the final outcome, what a contest; nobody’s walking away unscathed. Indeed, our guess is that any victory would have to be a Pyrrhic one. Here’s one possible way it could play out:
- King Kong instigates.
- Napoleon reacts.
- King Kong pulls some surprisingly sick shit, right here at the beginning.
- Napoleon, having none of it, reacts, with force.
- King Kong is furious.
- Napoleon is furious. Each party now firmly believes that the other is in the wrong.
- King Kong pulls out all the stops with a thinking man’s pounce.
- Napoleon weathers it and fucking comes right back at King Kong with hell glowing in his eyes.
- King Kong feints, telegraphing one thing, then does something else.
- Napoleon is feeling terror and rage in equal measure.
- King Kong, long past the point in his distinguished career of military conquest where he can feel fear, steels himself for the endgame.
- Napoleon and King Kong both give it their all in a final push for victory; each can go home proud of having tried super hard for his team, and having given the enemy a dangerously tough go of it that he (the enemy) will not soon forget.
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name: Liz
query: I’ve been going to art and design school in Brooklyn for 2 years now and still haven’t been able to experience what Brooklyn has to offer…could you recommend some things to do here on the weekends?
If you haven’t already, you simply must go watch Napoleon and King Kong fight. We dare you to tear your eyes away!
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name: Franal
query: How do i know if the lad likes me without actually asking him?
When you make love, does he sometimes embrace your body with a desperation that can’t be mistaken for the mere physical need to culminate, that is in fact his every cell willing away the physical — the metaphysical — boundary dividing him and you? Don’t sweat it, he likes you!
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name: Azzy
query: Do any of you boys like chicken?
Azzy,
Take a look at this graph; it was put together by criminologists at University of Michigan, and does a pretty good job of detailing the fairly fluid degree to which each of us likes chicken.
So let’s walk you through what you’re seeing. Chris, a meat-eater, doesn’t like chicken much for breakfast, but is down with chicken for lunch and loves a good chicken dish for dinner. Chicken rarely shows up in Chris’s dreams, but when it does, it’s neither as an object of desire nor a source of fear or disgust.
Keith is a vegetarian, and the idea of eating chicken really grosses him out. Perhaps because chicken is so lacking in his diet, Keith’s body manifests lots of chicken consumption in his dreams. A map of chicken’s allure for Keith over the course of one night’s dreams reads like a meat-eater’s average week. That’s because after devouring a chicken sandwich and a cauldron full of chicken nuggets, dream-Keith’s chicken love is temporarily sated; not until later in his dream-afternoon will he again feel chicken’s awful pull.
Michael’s also a vegetarian, also refrains from eating chicken. Michael dreams almost exclusively, though, of eating chicken. During the day, he tours the world as We Are Scientists’ drummer — playing concerts, signing autographs, sitting down with reporters, eating pasta and vegetables. At night, he sits in restaurants and eats chicken. Chicken, chicken, chicken. Chicken soufflé, chicken pudding, chicken popsicles, chicken lollipops, chicken milkshakes, chicken granola bars: no form is too strange for chicken to take during Michael’s dreams, and he cannot eat enough of it. If you put your ear against the curtain of Michael’s bunk, you hear, “Chicken please… I’ll have the chicken… more chicken… do they make that in chicken?… let’s go to that chicken place… I smell chicken; do I smell chicken?… let’s do chicken…” - Advice For An Older Woman…/Clinical Depression/Which Scientist Is Cleverest?/Science Q Re: Oranges/My Name Arouses Me…/Why Are People Selfish Assholes?/Can I Kidnap Keith?June 11th, 2006View
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name: Rufin
query: How do you get an older girl to like you?
Dear Rufin,
You’ve got to get her attention, but in an adult way. Childish antics — starting a food fight, screaming your love from a tree top — won’t work with the mature ladies. Try instead becoming the CEO of a huge company like Tyco or Ford, and being the youngest ever to do so. Or buy a really old castle on a Mediterranean Island and hire a PR company to get Architecture Digest to do a big cover story on you. Or start driving around in a 22 karat gold Hummer. These are the sorts of things that not only imply wealth and influence, but also taste — all very attractive traits to older women!
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name: Riles G.
query: Dear We Are Scientists,
Please read and answer this REAL problem.
Lately I have been feeling kind of empty. I think I’m lacking excitement in my life. I’m tired of the same old routine. Please tell me….What do I do?!!
Buy a 22 karat gold Hummer. Driving around a 21k gold Hummer, you can’t help but find excitement and adventure. It comes right to you! Why, you could drive a 21k Hummer around the Antarctic and have a hell of a good time. Once Michael went tooling around the Antarctic in just such a Hummer and he met a talking walrus whom he helped to rescue its master the Ice Princess from the clutches of an ice demon who was holding her in a prison of snow! After she had been rescued, you can bet that the Ice Princess was MOST grateful (wink! wink!), although she wasn’t very attractive and smelled terrible after the long years in the snow prison and so Michael accepted her affections only grudgingly. But accept them he did! And now this is a story that Michael can and does tell to nearly anybody who will listen! About his friend Gordo the walrus and the techniques he learned from Gordo and the Ice Princess that night after the daring rescue!
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name: Danny
query: Which of you is cleverest? Also, where should I go to college?
We are all cleverer than the others at something. Michael is better than Keith or Chris at math, for example. And Keith definitely has the edge when it comes to creative stuff like art and dance and magic. And Chris, of course, is very fast at shining apples.
As to where you should go to school, that’s a tough question — one that requires a lot of consideration, soul-searching, discussion with family, friends and college representatives. You should go to Harvard!
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name: Fiona
query: i respect you guys alot, as i love science. it is currently my life, along with you guys. but i have a confounding question:
oranges: what came first? the fruit or the colour?
my science teacher laughed and didnt answer. do you reckon there is some conspiracy there?
looking forward to your reply.
fiona, x
You’re damn right there’s a conspiracy, but it goes WAAAAY deeper than you suspect! What if I told you there’s no such thing as ‘oranges’, and there’s no such thing as ‘orange’, the color??!? Would you then begin to grasp the unrivaled scope of this thing? What if I then confided in you the following: I haven’t had sex or masturbated in something like three weeks! And I don’t miss it or anything, really! THEN would you begin to fathom the sheer, blinding, unparalleled scope of what’s going on here? Of what’s being perpetrated?!
Present your science teacher with these facts and dare him not to respond!
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name: Ian
query: I get DANGEROUSLY aroused by my name…is this normal?
It is when your name is Ian. No name so successfully blends sexuality, bravado, courage, honesty, intensity, thoughtfulness, ethical commitment, athleticism, historical relevancy, height, surface area, tornado warnings, thermal radiation, and caramel.
Do you know what the problem would be? The problem would be if you didn’t shoot all over the inside of your pants every time you signed a letter.
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name: annie
query: why are people such damn selfish assholes?
Because you only hang out with damn selfish assholes.
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name: Katie
query: I love Keith … I am going to see you at T in the Park, Scotland, in July and I may kidnap him … however this may be tricky … is there any way he could come willingly? x
Well, if he comes willingly then it won’t be kidnapping. Since you’re so intent on kidnapping him, we have to rule Keith’s compliance out. But it seems like your heart’s in the right place, so we’re going to help you. What you need to do is to set up some kind of snare or cage or trap, and as bait you need to use sludge. Yes, sludge. Keith loves, loves, loves sludge — any kind of sludge. Brown, green, grey, green-grey, grey-brown, brownish-green — it’s all good to Keith Murray. Guy loves sludge! Loves to smear it all over his body! Loves to steep himself in it as though he were tea leaves and it were a steaming solvent! Loves to put sludge in his mouth and squeeze it around between his teeth! Loves to build huts of sun-hardened sludge and live in them for years and years at a stretch! He loves — and this part is kind of a secret — to put sludge in jars and label them with the names of important substances and then sneak the jars into the cabinets of America’s foremost scientists.
Using some decent muck or sludge, you will certainly snare yourself a Keith Murray. What you do with him is your business, but give consideration to the following plea: When you have finished, bury him in sludge! It would have meant so much to him! - How Do I Prepare For Your Show?/Capricorn+Capricorn=Evil?/Can Science Gals Find Science Guys?/I Wanna Drop Out And Be A Groupie/I Love A Married Man/What’s Your Guitar Of Choice?March 10th, 2006View
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name: Amy
query: im going to see you fine gentlemen on april 10th and i was just wondering if theres anything i should do in order to get the most out of my we are scientists experience??
A few things that can’t hurt:
- Melt your mind beforehand: Come to the show your mind already molten, your intentions shattered, your inclinations and desires bone-broken and reduced to mush.
- Eat a good meal that evening: The wrong way to watch We Are Scientists — the very exact wrong way — is tummy a’rumble.
- Bring your own hair: We don’t provide hair.
- Above all come to the show with an open mind and a sincere desire to have a great time because we are going to bring the rock and make you feel great about yourself and your friends and parents and life and the fact that your dog got lured by the neighborhood perv into a thresher where he got flung — thousands of strands of him, like 1500 pieces of wet uncooked bacon — all over the driveway! Which you later had to clean up cuz your parents were on vacay.
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name: nini
query: capricorn + capricorn compatability go on,tell me its a doomed relationship.
Not only is the relationship doomed but, if you pursue it, so is the future of mankind and life on this planet! Have you ever seen Back to the Future? And so are you familiar with the tremendous threat involved in a person from the present meeting a version of himself from the future or past? Remember how it will create a rift in the time/space continuum that will compound and react and multiply and radiate fissures of awful anarchy out through the fabric of existence and destroy not only reality but also every possible path reality could have taken since the instant after matter’s inception? Well the film’s creators were basing that on what happens when capricorns date capricorns.
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name: Camara Samuel
query: I am an aspiring scientist…and currently a senior in High School…do you think I will ever find a boy who shares my intrests in the natural sciences at my young age…
Hm. Tough Q. There are certainly high school guys out there who enjoy the natural sciences, but they are massive pervs who spend all their time shredding dogs in shredders and then freaking out in passionate observance of the raw-bacon-fireworks that putting that dog in the shredder caused. They love Mad Libs, for chrissakes, these guys.
Your best bet is to find a nice english major and slowly insinuate your love of science into his mind. Do this by giving him sex once every time he completes a “Short Answer & Essay” section at the end of a chapter of your Chem or Bio books. A girl did this for one of the members of W.A.S. when he was in high school, and the predictable-enough pavlovian result is that science topics now cause actual physical arousal. Seriously, nothing gets him hard like slinging a terrified dog into a shredder.
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name: Frankie
query: I wana drop out of uni and be a groupie..is this wrong?
If dropping out of uni and becoming a groupie is wrong, Frankie, then who the fuck wants to be right? You know? Who wants to be right? If that’s wrong, dropping out of uni and groupying it up, who wants to be right in those circumstances? Where society is actually going to tell you that dropping out of the ol’ uni and getting your groupie on is wrong. Who, Frankie, who? Frankie… … … … who. Who.
Who.
Frankie, oh my god, Frankie…
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name: rollerskateskinny, its not really but I need to remain anon!
query: What do you do when you absolutely love and adore a married man…and I mean really really love!
I know WAS probably have firsthand experience of this, so I thought I’d ask!
Cheers
xxx
Rollerskateskinny,
When a woman really, really loves a man, that’s when she is liable to be tricked into performing unsavory tasks, so take advantage of your situation. Keep the wife around at all times — you’ll find the man you love will completely leave off of making these embarrassing requests of you and your body. You will be free to pursue a sublime spiritual friendship, while wife is condemned to perform the awful physical servicing of her masochistic, sick/evil fetish-master pervert of a husband.
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name: Daniel
query: What kind of guitars (acustic and Electric) do you guys love the most?
Well, Daniel, the kind with naked ladies on the front. And we’ll tell you why. It’s because they have great tone and great feel. - Who’s Your Favorite Scientist?/Can’t Convince Mome to Let Lizzy Sleep Over…/How to Convince Mome to Get Me a Dog…/When Will WAS Break Up?/Trouble With Painting Teacher…/Myspace Page?/Lyrics to Nobody Move?/How Can I Be As Cool As I Think I Am?January 3rd, 2006View
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ame: jordan
query: How do i get the ladies like a scientist? Should I just tell them I am a scientist and hope that works? I just need girls and I need advice! Also, who is your favorite scientist in all of history?
Our favorite scientists in all of history has either not yet been born or is living but has yet to unveil his big invention, which is Space Painting, which would allow us to paint in space. Like, not to go up into space in a space ship and paint in zero gravity on a canvas. Space painting is where you actually paint.
Space.
Substantially more exciting than the stuff we currently consider advanced — fission, dirtbiking. And the scientist who invents it, besides rounding up all the major prizes and enough cash remuneration to last her family for a thousand years, will also earn the honor of our band going around saying, “Man, yeah, that lady who figured out space painting, hands down.”
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name: Courtney
query: I’m trying to convince my mom into letting my friend Lizzy spend the night on week-nights during the summer but she won’t let me neither will my dad. What should I do?
Appeal to the family dog? If you can curry his favor, that’d be a place to start. Play your cards carefully. Be strategic. You just may bring Mom and Dad around with a “But Dr. Mallory thinks it’s okay” gambit.
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name: Samantha
query: I love dogs, but i dont have one. When i ask my mom for one she just says “no.” And then when i ask her why she just says “because you don’t need one.” She never gives me a REAL answer. How do i get her to change her mind?
What if instead we got you to change your mind? You don’t want a dog. Seriously, you don’t. Why? Well… what makes you think you do? Have you even thought about it? About the responsibility? About all the shit you are going to have to shovel? Go ahead and take that literally, by the way. Owning and caring for a dog means actually getting out there and shoveling that animal’s shit, which gets all over the shovel and remains on the grass where it was initially dumped and also splats all over wherever you throw it and, in case you hadn’t heard, smells completely awful. There’s a reason that when something smells particularly terrible we say, “Man, that smells like dogshit.” “Man,” you hear the guy mutter, “this corpse has been lying here in the sun for probably days and I have to say, it smells just like dogshit.” And yet you’re hoping to bring an animal into your home whose main specialty, whose one reliable function, is to crap out putrid little rotten corpses. That smell awful.
Not only that, but dogs bite people, and then you get sued by them. This is a daily occurrence, in case you don’t read the newspaper. You’re going to bring home a new boyfriend one day and your dog’s going to get jealous and bite your boyfriend’s face off, the face that made you like him in the first place. And then his parents will sue your family right into the poorhouse.
Have you heard of “slobber”? Do you tend to think of it as a positive term? Because the other thing that dogs can be trusted to do, besides thumping gaseous dead rats out their ass and besides biting everybody, is to slobber all over themselves and you.
If you have other pets, say goodbye to them now, because your dog is going to kill them.
You need to do some serious thinking about whether a dog is really what you need in your life right now.
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name: Sappy
query: When are We Are Scientists breaking up?
When it is becoming clear that things with the girl are not to be working out and efforts to repair are already having been tried and resultingly hope is being lost.
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name: michaela
query: hey
i am an artist and my painting is really pissing me off because my teacher (yes im still at school sigh – two more years, two more years..), yeah, my goddamn teacher fucked it up. how can i make it better, still keeping the composition she suggested but retain my approval and adamant love for it? also, is it advisable to read a dictionary or thesaurus to up my vocabulary to your astronomical standard (no flattery there whatsoever)? which publication and company would you advise? ps you guys rock hardcore xxx
Michaela,
Reading the dictionary is not enough; you need to memorize it. Forget about a thesaurus. It’s a waste of time. What need does a person who knows all the words have for a thesaurus? Not much.
This painting thing — that’s a tough situation. If we understand correctly, you’ve got the painting pretty close to how you want it, and something about the way it is now makes you love it. But your teacher wants you to make substantial changes to it, presumably because she finds some formal flaw with the way you’re going about describing things with the paint. Well, there’s your love to consider, sure, but are you forgetting about something? Are you forgetting about… your teacher’s love, maybe? You love the painting now, but your teacher is asking you to make a couple of changes so that she can love it. And what’s wrong with that? Are you suggesting that your love is somehow worth more than hers? The opposite is actually more sensible; after all, your teacher is a professional artist who knows how to really love a painting. We suggest you follow your teacher’s instructions and give that brilliant, lonely old woman something to warm her in her final weeks.
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name: Dan
query: heyo ppl, you lot on myspace? simple question should hav a simple answer, or if u’d like you can make it a long one with dragons an tales of unicorns an hippys…or somthin like tht, its up 2 u
For the answer to that question you have to go back forty years to the 1960′s, when hippies and unicorns still roamed the earth. You see, at that time there was no Myspace — no internet even — and yet something about dragons. Years later we would establish a page on Myspace, but hide it away carefully at Myspace.com/wearescientists so that only total geniuses would be able to find it without our help.
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name: J C
query: Hey! plz could u send me the lyrics to ‘nobody moves nobody gets hurt’ its an ace song!
thanks
Of course:
Lyrics to Nobody Move (with instrumentation)
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name: glen
query: Why is it when I alone I am so assured of my unmatched charm and razor sharp wit? Everyone from the people on TV to wannabes in magazines fail to compete with my firm grasp of the latest trends and fashions. I am infaliable. It is almost as if my life is script for a movie and I’m the dashing lead.
The only problem is whenever I leave the house and encouter any kind of social situation and tend to melt and sticky the hand of my confidence in a melting ice cream type of metaphor.
How can achieve the level of cool confidence that I have within my head within the context of actual reality?
Well, Glen, you just typed, “I am infaliable.” That seems like as good a place as any to start. The fact is, everybody is their own biggest fan; everybody thinks they’re cooler than they are; everybody spells worse than they think they do. Even if they think they spell really poorly, they doubtless spell even worse than that. Just take the pressure off yourself, Glen. It’s your worst enemy, this pressure. Relax into the fact that you’re kind of a retard. Just ease down into that reality and make it your home. Sit in it for a while like a baby sits in his stool. Probably that baby enjoys the warmth. Try to enjoy the warmth. Draw strength from it. Shift your bum around in it a little. Accept, Glen. Now get out there in the world. Walk confidently, comfortable in your mediocrity, resigned to it; not agitated by the wicked one-two punch of your own high expectations and the creeping sense that there’s no freaking way you’re living up to them. - Barnaby, Tom & Bryn, Matthew, Pants & Mill, Nansi, Charlie BrownDecember 13th, 2005View
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name: Barnaby
query: Lovely scientists, there is a full moon tonight and I am without anything silver. I do however have a copper penny with Abe Lincoln’s head on it. I have also put on a fake mustache to attempt to fool them into thinking I am one of them. What should I do to keep the werewolvses away?
You have to act fast. First, glue together a small man out of toothpicks. Now glue Abe Lincoln’s coppery head on there. Now glue the fake mustache onto the toothpicks so that Abe Lincoln appears to be wearing a werewolf-fur coat. Now put this guy on the other side of town from where you intend to hang out tonight.
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name: Tom and Bryn
query: if you’re going downtown (which is about 5 miles away), how long would it take to get there on a bus on a rainy day?
also have you seen wallace and gromit yet?
thanks
It will take you three minutes to get downtown, because buses travel one hundred miles per hour in the rain, because bus drivers think that police radar doesn’t work in the rain. You say to yourself, “Isn’t it dangerous, driving that fast in the rain?” Well, yes, but you don’t take the bus for a safe, conservative ride, you take it to see what’s going to happen that day on the bus.
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name: Matthew
query: I’ve just found out that you’re album is out in my homeland (U.K.). Usually I buy albums the day they come out, just so I can prove to my friends that I’m infinitely more scene than they are, but now, I’ve lost that privaledge. What can I do?
You have three options. First, you can travel back in time and get the album on the day it comes out; a corollary sub-option here is to send a message back in time to your October 17th self and urge him to buy the album — tell him his very scenicness is at stake. Second, you can buy the album today, then launch an elaborate campaign to convince your peer group that purchasing albums exactly 8 weeks after they come out is scene’s ne plus ultra. Third, you can cut up all your friends and find a new set of friends with whom to begin meticulously building a positive scene rating. As the first two options are completely impracticable, we recommend the third option, except legally. In a legal sense, we recommend pursuing the first option. But yeah, no, do the third thing.
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name: pants and mill
query: wat do i do. thers this lad i fanci. an he dunt evan no hu i am. my frend pants nos him. but i wnt to get to no im too. wat do i do? u see….im a year younger than him aswell, so it makes it evan harder to try an see im. how can i get im to notice me?
You have but three options. First, you can invent time travel. That will definitely get this dude’s attention. A corollary sub-option here is to successfully send a message back through time to, say, the him of two months ago — maybe just a note saying “Hey! It’s me, Mill! From Simple Tools Making class! Just wanted to say ‘Hi’, but from the very near future!” He will be fucking flabbergasted probably. Second, you can launch an elaborate campaign to convince his peer group that when it comes to people worth knowing, you are the ne plus ultra. Getting an introduction with you will then become the primary goal not only of this dude, but of the other guys he hangs out with, whom you may ultimately find to be more satisfying, attentive lovers, even if they lack all of dude’s flashy equipment. Third, you can kill your objet’s family; this will put you all over his radar, for all of time. As the first two options are completely impracticable, we recommend the third option, except legally. Legally, we recommend you just walk up to the fucking dude and say “Hey! I’m Mill! We’re in Simple Tools together, right?”
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name: Nansi (aka pants)
query: thers a lad i fancy at skul. he is givin really wierd signals. he uses lots of txts on me. hmmmm. i dnt no. he fancies some one else apparantly. but i dont think i believe him. all his m8s think he likes me tho. hes a year older than me and a lot taller. ive got cystic fibrosis. do you think my illness could be a part of him not wanting to go out with me?
Your first step is to assure the object of your affection that cystic fibrosis isn’t contagious. He sounds like an ignorant sonofabitch, so the possibility of contracting your malady is definitely something he’s stewing over — not in those words, of course. No, he’s thinking, “Her sick make him sick? Like porcupine make Flash sick when him play on porcupine?”
Once you strip away the naked terror he’s been feeling toward you, the wooing process can begin. Start by giving him treats — crackers, pretzels, those little Pounce succulents for cats. This causes him to think of you as “friend”. The next and final step is to rescue him from danger — take him to the hospital when he’s sick, push him out of the way of a careening rainy-day bus, maybe even have one of your friends anonymously kidnap him; then you heroically storm the dilapidated old house, lower a bucket into the pit and pull him out, rush him to the hospital and get his wounds closed up and get him hydrated. If you can make him feel that you’ve saved his life, he’ll be permanently grateful to you, all the way down to his bones. It’s that kind of aching-heart, weak-kneed gratitude that makes for a hell of a nice romance.
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name: charlie brown =)
query: yeahh..i need your lyrics!! bought your album today. its amazing, but i have this thing for the lyrics..so i can sing along =D so where can i get them? and i WANT my lip pierced..my dad said no, mum said yeah (i hatee it when that happens) and its my birthday soon…can you think of a way i can persuade him?
You’re going to feel pretty foolish about this lyrics thing when we tell you that they’ve been right in front of you the whole time. You see, they’re on the album that you bought — that’s actually what Keith’s singing the whole time! The lyrics!
You’ve probably just scampered off to pop the CD into your boom box and get to work learning those lyrics, but in case you’re still reading, here’s what you do about the lip piercing thing, because yeah, you’d better goddamn well believe we know how you can persuade him. Here’s the thing: there’s a certain type of dad who thinks that jewelry is just fuckin dumb, especially on boys, especially lip piercings. Sounds like you maybe drew this exact dad. What he wants is for you to be “normal” — “normal” as defined by what boys looked like and acted like way back when he was your age. Which leaves you with three options. - Mr. Marteeni, Eamonn, Robin, Rusty, etc…November 26th, 2005View
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name: mr marteeni
query: gd evning or morning or afternoon which ever aplies. do u think fat arses are better than small ones cuz my good friends arse is quite small? lots of love ure personal friend
Ah, Mr. Marteeni! Personal friend to We Are Scientists! Where have you been, sir? At sea? Exploring? Studying asses? Yes! Your passion is manifest! And contagious, as well, we might add! Now let’s see here, as to your inquiry, “Is bigger better when it comes to asses?”, the answer, unfortunately for your primly assed friend, is an emphatic YES. YES, bigger asses are not just quantitatively superior to small asses but also qualitatively superior. YES, people prefer big asses, unless they are perverts who, subconsciously or not, want to be fucking little kids. And YES, Mr. Marteeni, fucking kids, even just a little, is morally wrong; we’d been meaning to mention that to you for some time now, Mr. Marteeni — we only hope we’re not too late. Which is to say also, sir, that having a small ass is a morally detestable action and should be protested by men of conscience. Harness wind to sail and spread the word to all humankind, Mr. Marteeni! To all humankind!
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name: Eamonn
query: You know the formula for kinetic energy is:
[Kinetic energy = o.5 x mass x (speed x speed)]
I just wondered what kind of energy the band puts into a live performance, I was hoping they would work it out and get back to moi?
The answer is surprising! We did the calculations, and frankly even we were surprised by the result! “Which was?” you ask. 0!! Can you believe it? As we said, even we were quite surprised.
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name: Robin (again)
query: ok, so i took my exams and i stayed on at school. but im still in love damn you. she lives far away from me. help. argh! distance relationships do work right? tell me they work you scientist, instrument playing learned advisors of mine.
Long distance relationships do work, yes, for torturing yourself to death. For that, they are perfect. If what you’re after is emotional or sexual or intellectual satisfaction, then you’re much better off reading sci-fi books or watching Friends or getting big into model rockets.
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name: rusty
query: im worried about the size of my cats penis
the other cats are laughing
Perhaps it’s time you stop worrying this issue to death like some worry-soaked old maid and instead do something about it! Get your cat a cat-penis pump! They’re proven and effective! Your cat will experience substantial elongation and thickening of his penis after the first treatment! And then the limit is the sky! Whatever you do, don’t let your cat pump his penis up so big that he can’t walk owing to his overlarge penis! Then, perversely, you’ve got the other cats laughing at him again! Albeit more nervously than before!
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name: A well-wisher
query: This is not really a request for advice, but more a reversal of roles as I offer you my own nugget of wisdom. As a Briton I urge you, do not ever go near Lambrini again. It truly is the drink of 12 year olds who think they’re sophisticated but are simply misguided. Lambrini makes people ugly and stupid, and the only alcoholic beverage of less worth is in fact it’s cheaper alternative Lambrucini. Don’t go near that either.
By the way, kudos to you on your impressive eloquence.
Your point is well made, and we’re going to to take it under advisement. But now, so that we can better avoid this dreadful “Lambrucini”, be a good girl and tell us where it can be found. Go on then, where do they keep the Lambrucini? WHERE DO THEY KEEP THE GODDAMN LAMBRUCINI?
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name: lidz
query: This is a serious call for help (for once) scientists.I have to make a really big decision soon, and it is causing me to have constant brain overload!! I have to choose whether to go to college in england or stay in ireland. For a number of reasons i wanted to leave Ireland (cos i thought it was pretty shit) but now I’m not sure. My parents are blackmailing me to to stay here, but I don’t know what to do! I would love to move back to England. Man i am stressed. Everyones telling me to do different things!!!So I am asking everyone else what I should do, and then decide that way! So what do you think?
We think that’s the right way of going about it.
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name: lizz
query: was just wunderin if u could send me the lyrics to ur new song plz cos taz bin annoyin me wat they r lol!
Well, yeah, sure, we can do that. It’s a bit surprising to us that you’ve heard our new songs, to be honest — we’ve only played them in the practice space, and never with anybody outside the band present. But the last thing we want to be is annoyin, so here are those lyrics:Ponies for Show
Girl, you been telling me things,
things I ain’t never seen, [backing: Things he ain't never heard or seen]
stuff about this one guy
and his show ponies, and his show ponies
[backing: and his show ponies]
and his show ponies
[backing: they're his show ponies]
and his show ponies
[backing: see the show ponies]
And girl I think I like you.
We’ve fun wherever we go.
You took me to the circus,
showed me ponies for show, showed me ponies for show
[backing: showed him ponies for show]
showed me ponies for show
[backing: took him to the circus, girl]
and showed me ponies for show
[backing: showed him ponies for show]
ponies ponies for show
[backing: ponies ponies for show]
ponies ponies for ponies
[backing: ponies ponies for show]
and ponies ponies for show
[backing: ponies ponies ponies ponies REPEAT]Dwight, Troll
I met a man, a troll, today
He said his name was Dwight
I taught him what I knew of cards
And cards we played all night
Cards we played all night, hey!Just kidding, we don’t have any new songs. Are you talking about the songs on the CD? You can’t understand what Keith’s saying? Really? Come on. Try super hard!
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name: RobbieM
query: You guys are really great musicians and as an aspiring rock star myself i was wondering if you could give me some advice on a problem i’m having, who should play Lt. Templeton “Faceman” Peck in a movie adaptation of the A-Team?
Well, Robbie, we can’t say for certain; this isn’t exactly our field of expertise, you know. But this much is objectively clear: you could do a lot worse than Keith for the role of Faceman in your film. Before you protest, consider his strengths:- He will work without pay, because he takes his wages in glory.
- He looks vaguely like the actor who portrayed the Faceman in the original television series. Art Keating, was it? Mortimer Articking? We’re just joking, of course — we have no fucking clue what the actor’s name was.
- Keith does his own stunts, so long as he never has to leave the ground, never has to move more than 3 mph, never has to invert his body or indeed lie down flat, never has to interact with machinery of any kind or even anything that converts potential energy to heat, never has to speak in a language other than English (as defined by the set of words and grammatical conventions with which Keith is already familiar), never has to wink or sneer, and never has to have his hair cut. Which saves you, the producer, a lot of money, having an actor who does all his own stunts.
- kill, Amanda, Phoenix, Philly, Kathryn, Kev, Ralph, BenOctober 23rd, 2005View
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name: kill.them.with.kindness.
query: I like this guy and he likes me, I wanna ask him out but I dont know how…will you guys help me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! This is our area of expertise! Let’s say his name is George. What you want to do is pass him a note that says the following:
George, George, your name is George
Will you accompany me to the gorge?
There we will talk and chat and chatter
And eat sweet meats, and I’ll get fatterOr let’s say his name is Prince:
Prince, prince, your name is Prince
Will you go with me to the fence?
There we will talk and chat and chatter
And eat sweet meats, and I’ll get fatterSo, the idea being that you need to give this guy something in verse or he probably isn’t even going to understand it. Guys are quite committed to the idea that poetry is the language of love; we dare say your fella is not an exception. So then, like, if his name is Mark, you might try something like:
Mark, Mark, your name is Mark
Will you come with me to the park?
There we will talk and chat and chatter
And eat sweet meats, and I’ll get fatter—————
name: Amanda
query: do you guys like New Jersey?
Amanda,
Thank you for asking. The time has come to erase any confusion on this subject. There have been a lot of rumors, a lot of conjecture, a lot of, frankly, hoo-ha. May we officially go on the record as being completely in favor of New Jersey. What ever it is you guys are doing over there, it’s working; keep doing it. Seldom have we encountered a state lying immediately to the west of New York City, but New Jersey is just such a place.
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name: Phoenix
query: I have to do a sex dance at skool, we have to create the image of sex, we dont actually get down and dirty with r partner, and as u three men are extremly sexy, i was wondering if u knew any moves?!?
So, uh, “Phoenix”… what type of school is it that you’ve enrolled in, anyway? A trade school, perhaps? Well, never mind that. We’re here to help. It’s a shame, though, that your professor has specifically prohibited simply fucking your partner on stage (“getting down and dirty”, as you say), because one great way to create the image of sex through dance would be to get up there on stage and just kind of fuck around with a partner or a couple of partners — like, have sex. With a partner. That would definitely accomplish the assignment, so the caveat is a real drag.
Okay, but there’s another option. Can you use props? Let’s assume you can. So what you do is get a nice big desk up there — a solid, dark wood guy that the audience can’t see through. And then you stand against the far side of the desk, facing the audience, and you bend over the desk. And your partner comes up behind you, and both of your are naked, and he makes like he’s fucking you from behind. But check it out — you don’t really have sex! He never actually enters you! Your professor has no grounds for protest, and you have created the image of sex through classical dance, earning an A for the semester.
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name: come to philly !
query: i was thinking about asking out a boy that i have known for a while. i really like him, but is it a turn-off for a girl to make the first move? help me scientists… you’re my only hope.
No way; there’s nothing wrong with a girl making the first move. In point of fact, Michael Tapper patently refuses to make the first move. Any girl that’s ever “tasted of the Tapper” has made the first move. “Tasted of the Tapper” is a phrase Michael uses a lot. A couple of others he favors are: “Drink from the Tap”, “Tongue the Tap”, “Apply for and receive a gentle Tapping”, and “Grapple the Tapple”.
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name: kathryn
query: what should i do at uni? should i even go to uni? should i get a shitty job but be happy? should i just end it all now?
Let’s take those one at a time.
1) You should study bird physics; you’ve always loved the subject, and that counts for a lot.
2) No.
3a) Yes, do get as shitty a job as possible.
3b) If you get a sufficiently shitty job, the kind we’re recommending, happiness won’t be an option unfortunately.
4) Oh, don’t end it all now, for chrissakes. That’s so dramatic. You just need a change! Try applying for some courses over at the uni or getting a shitty new job.
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name: Leicester Kev
query: Are Keith and Michael annoyed that in the band section, Chris’ name is the only one that takes full advantage of the Coca Cola typeface???
It drives them to madness. Many long nights have Keith and Michael spent stumbling blindly across snow-whipped moors, shouting unintelligible rages into the white blanket void, their eyes crazed, lolling in teary sockets. Braying for solace into the world’s deaf ear.
—————
name: Ben
query: i sat by a fire all night trying to work this out, but had to give up as my face melted. please help! (with the question, the wonderful NHS sorted the face, with budgeted effects!)A cowboy in the American West, reconnoitring Native Indian territory, saw a band of two and half dozen warriors. Fearing he would be captured, he wanted to leave a message for his colleagues, who were following him, but he had no pen and no paper. in fact all he could find were five fencing posts. How, using them, could he pass on the information
Hey, Ben! This cowboy actually has a pretty broad range of messages he’ll be able to communicate using the fencing posts. By grouping them close together, he tells passers-by that there are five things (indian settlements? indians?) grouped near one another, somewhere, maybe nearby. By laying one post on the ground then laying another directly on top of that, then laying two more posts atop one another roughly two feet away and parallel to the first two, and then laying the last post perpendicular to and connecting the two stacks, the cowboy communicates that there is a bridge. Finally, he could make a desperate plea to the indian warriors that they use the five stakes to kill him; now when his compatriot cowboys find the stakes all driven through his chest and head and stuff, they’ll be aware that indians got him.
