BRAIN THRUST MASTERY, week 1

Guys, holy fucking shit, we did it. We did it. We released an album and meeted our goal of landing it SQUARELY IN THE TOP 11. Yes, bitches, we have a top 11 album. Brain Thrust Mastery, at the conclusion of its initial week of sales in the UK, is at number 11, or as we’re choosing to write it from now on, number !!.

Seriously, though, what are some interesting facts about 7-11? It turns out there are a few. Did you know that 7-11, besides selling snacks and sundries, has dipped its barbed quill into the movie rental (“Movie Quik”), gasoline (“Citgo”), and cell phone (“Speak Out Wireless”) markets? That’s right, 7-11 sells snacks!

Fact 2: Japan has more 7-11 stores than any other country — by a comfortable margin. Of the 28,123 7-11 stores responding to a survey last year, 11,500 are in Japan. 1400 are in Tokyo alone! To put this into perspective, Japan is super small.

What’s most interesting to us about 7-11, though, is that they’re active sponsors in their community (the world). They sponsor a basketball team, a cycling team, a race car. Their sponsorship of the Chicago White Sox entails the Sox beginning each home game at 7:11 or 7:12, despite the fact that official start time for Midwestern baseball games is around 7:10.

What we’d love to see is for 7-11 to sponsor this band. Why? Our album is at 11, for one. And with 7-11’s marketing dollars, we’re confident we can keep the album between 7 and 11 for the rest of the year (2007!). Notice, too, that the album has 11 songs. Finally, there are 7 people in our band, each playing 11 instruments over the course of a normal show. If you’re reading this and think this would be a good idea — i.e., something mutually beneficial to W.A.S. and to the 7-11 Corp. — please tell the 7-11 Corp., because we’re ready to do it.

He is the law

One cool thing about driving around Britain doing in-stores, which is what we’re doing this week, is that you have plenty of time to watch the movies that you buy with the credit they give you at the stores you perform in. Here is just a taste of what we’ve been watching:

Judge Dredd*
Rambo 1-3*
Cobra*
Cyborg*
Double Impact*
Executive Orders*
Out For Justice*
Above The Law (or Nico)*
Under Siege*
Under Siege II*
On Deadly Ground*

If it seems like we’ve been focusing on Sylvester Stallone’s work, Jean Claude Van Damme’s important work, and the work of Steven Seagal, that’s because we don’t give any shit about anybody else. We literally, guys, don’t give A FUCK about anybody else or the “work” they’re doing.

If it’s been a while since you last watched the movies listed above, now is the time to refresh. We’ve marked with an asterisk the films that are absolutely crucial viewing for any thinking person who’s alive in 2008 and cares about art. To be honest, we weren’t initially convinced that Executive Orders deserved an asterisk. What happens in Executive Orders is that Steven Seagal dies in minute 22. When it happened, we grabbed the van’s steering wheel and drove straight into a fuel tanker we were so angry. In awarding the film a star, our thinking is: “This film has 22 minutes more Steven Seagal than 70% of the movies out there — let’s give it an asterisk.”

But all the other movies on the list are tied for first place in Art, probably even in the broader category of Work. These are simply great films. Take Cobra, for instance. Sylvester Stallone plays General Marion Cobretti, a cop with an attitude and absolutely zero tolerance for street scum. Cobra (as his kids call him) shoots first, killing his target, and asks questions later, trying to ascertain whether a crime was being committed. He even wears leather gloves when he eats pizza. Much of the film catalogs Gunnery Sergeant Cobretti’s lethal showdown with a Los Angeles “murder gang” who have made a sport out of killing innocent people, much the way Cobra has made a sport out of killing suspected criminals. The winner takes all: Brigitte Nielssen, back when she was scorching hot:


Dying to know how it ends up? You need only consider that Sly Stallone went on to marry Brigitte Nielssen, whereas all of the actors who played members of the murder gang died in the making of Cobra.

Please leave your favorite quotes from Cyborg in the comments section, and fucking watch this:

Brain Thrust Mastery enters your life on Monday!

You craggly-sharped (un)crags,
If you’ve been reading Livejournal lately then you know that we’ve been the sujet du jour, de la semaine, et, god willing, du siècle. Rather than compose a gigantis email to you about what’s going on over the next five days, we thought we’d pull some (of your?) words straight off of Facebook, I mean Livejournal…
Regarding the album release, maizewhale666 writes: “new w.a.s. album btm [BRAIN THRUST MASTERY] ouut [sic] MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 17 March!!!!!!! Eye [sic] can’t waaait!!!”
On where to buy the album, gorghorde666 writes: “Cnt wait for the ’album’ — gonna buy it from play.com. theey always treat me right okay with coupoons.”
On our new television advertisement, bariumberryMburyem666 writes: “I saw an advertisement on TV today for the new We Are Scientists album. It’s so good, I laughed. I recorded a video of it just with my camcorder pointed at the TV screen. Then I loaded that onto my computer and loaded that onto Youtube. Check it out!!!!!!
Finally, see what seaRanchgorghorde says about our plans for Sunday: “W.A.S. playing the ’Play.com Live’ event this weekend, performing on Sunday 16th March. Tickets are still available to buy and cost just £6 for adults and £3 for children and can be purchased through http://www.play.com/live. When I heard this news, I quit my job immediately and put in for extra vacation time, talking to my boss about a salary increase — she said she will consider it!”
Furthermore we want to make this promise to people who aren’t able to make it to one of our patented in-store signing events: if you purchase BRAIN THRUST MASTERY and see one or all of us on the street, and have your copy with you, we’ll sign it, then and there, no questions asked. We begin carrying pens TODAY.

After Hours

Release week for our new single AFTER HOURS is drawing to a close, and with it your chance to help make us even richer than we already are. You see, a top 5 single would spell tremendous wealth for We Are Scientists. We would be kings. We would command such authority as to be beyond even Razorlight’s sway.
Will you help us? MONEY-PURCHASE THE SINGLE .
Here are the things we promise to do if AFTER HOURS breaks into the top 10:
– Eliminate all private debt in Britain.
– Make movies free to everyone under the age of 65.
– All children taught to read by 2055 A.D.
Here’s what you can expect if AFTER HOURS goes top 5:
– Demons will be summoned and allowed to live among us. (Demons will have to abide by man’s law.)
– All animals will be shaved bald and given full body tat work.
And if AFTER HOURS becomes the 1 single this week, we will:
– Consolidate all television news channels into one channel. Train a walrus to speak perfect English, put him in a red sweater, and make him the host of the news, 24 hours/day. He would be injected with a chemical cocktail that would allow him to forego sleep and just do the news.
As you can see, we’re not the kind of band to hog the benefits of a high chart position: we’re all about redistributing our gains. Get your copy of AFTER HOURS now!
WHAT VIDEO HATH WROUGHT
Part 2 of our award-winning (5 stars on the YouTubes!) coverage of the 2008 NME Awards is available for memorization. See Chris get the scoop from Charlize Theron! See Keith almost get beat up by Lethal Bizzle! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME HONEST JOURNALISM HAS INVOLVED DOUBLE PENETRATION!

Buy After Hours This Week Make Us More Famous

You chocolate-filled land mines,
As you may already know, our new single is out this week. It’s called AFTER HOURS, and it’s the first thing to come off of our new album BRAIN THRUST MASTERY, unless you count an unfathomable quantity of luke-warm anticipation!!

Own it: BUY IT; TO OWN IT, BUY IT.
Order AFTER HOURS in any of its wonderful formats (we got your picture discs, we got your box sets, we got your VHS) here: AFTER HOURS PURCHASE BUTTON REGION
iTunes got us to give them a special acoustic version of this song, a version that we recorded live at Union Chapel in December, and you can get that here: VERSION FOR A ROMANTIC DINNER WITH BRUCE WAYNE (ALIAS THE BAT)
Here is what the critics would be saying if they had taken our suggestions:

“AFTER HOURS is like a kitten licking my tongue with the sand-papery tongue of him. That is to say I was squeamish, but now can’t imagine kissing another.”
“It sounds like going to Heaven, going to Valhalla, going to Elysium, and then, at the end, sh** gets even better for that final chorus — that is AFTER HOURS to me, this journalist.” (cover review — review appeared in its entirety on the cover of the magazine, on top of picture of Duffy, on top of her face)
“A blast of fresh air into the tomb of modern rock music. I dropped a turd. I’ve been listening to this non-stop since I received it four days ago — I’ve listened to it nearly 1400 times. Over the last 200 listens or so, I’ve started to hate it a lot. It’s not fair to review this track based on listens 1200-1400. AFTER HOURS makes me tear at my face right now, but it is an excellent song.”

IN THE VISIBLE WORLD OF VIDEO
We whacked our dicks on camera last week at the NME Awards and the result was this journalistic neutron bomb: THE CAMERA LOVES THE WAY WE LOOK AT HIM

After Hours Out Today!

You kill-crazy hand puppets,
Our new single, AFTER HOURS, goes on sale today — finally you will be given the opportunity to own a piece of history. Did you fail to snap up a chunk of the Berlin Wall when chunks were still available? Did you lose an eBay bidding war for Sputnik? To actor Gary Sinise? Did you lose it to Gary Sinise, or maybe actor Bruce Willis? Well now is your chance to make good. 50 years from now, when your grandchildren ask whether you have anything cool from the distant past that they can have, hand them the EXCLUSIVE BOXED VERSION OF AFTER HOURS, and shut them up for a solid half-hour. Or why not grab it now from ITUNES?
Of course there are a variety of alternative formats to choose from, some featuring the marvelous b-side Best Behaviour, others sporting grotesquely bad b-side Dig Dug. Just kidding! Dig Dug is a great song, you’ll find!

You may also wish to look into this live acoustic version of After Hours, taped at Union Chapel: GREAT FOR A QUIET EVENING AT HOME WITH LUBE.
HISTORIC INTERVIEW
For insightful thoughts on subjects ranging from economic stability to advancements in medicine to candy, please view this interview: AN INTERVIEW IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS.