Advice For An Older Woman…/Clinical Depression/Which Scientist Is Cleverest?/Science Q Re: Oranges/My Name Arouses Me…/Why Are People Selfish Assholes?/Can I Kidnap Keith?

name: Rufin
query: How do you get an older girl to like you?
Dear Rufin,
You’ve got to get her attention, but in an adult way. Childish antics — starting a food fight, screaming your love from a tree top — won’t work with the mature ladies. Try instead becoming the CEO of a huge company like Tyco or Ford, and being the youngest ever to do so. Or buy a really old castle on a Mediterranean Island and hire a PR company to get Architecture Digest to do a big cover story on you. Or start driving around in a 22 karat gold Hummer. These are the sorts of things that not only imply wealth and influence, but also taste — all very attractive traits to older women!
name: Riles G.
query: Dear We Are Scientists,
Please read and answer this REAL problem.
Lately I have been feeling kind of empty. I think I’m lacking excitement in my life. I’m tired of the same old routine. Please tell me….What do I do?!!

Buy a 22 karat gold Hummer. Driving around a 21k gold Hummer, you can’t help but find excitement and adventure. It comes right to you! Why, you could drive a 21k Hummer around the Antarctic and have a hell of a good time. Once Michael went tooling around the Antarctic in just such a Hummer and he met a talking walrus whom he helped to rescue its master the Ice Princess from the clutches of an ice demon who was holding her in a prison of snow! After she had been rescued, you can bet that the Ice Princess was MOST grateful (wink! wink!), although she wasn’t very attractive and smelled terrible after the long years in the snow prison and so Michael accepted her affections only grudgingly. But accept them he did! And now this is a story that Michael can and does tell to nearly anybody who will listen! About his friend Gordo the walrus and the techniques he learned from Gordo and the Ice Princess that night after the daring rescue!
name: Danny
query: Which of you is cleverest? Also, where should I go to college?
We are all cleverer than the others at something. Michael is better than Keith or Chris at math, for example. And Keith definitely has the edge when it comes to creative stuff like art and dance and magic. And Chris, of course, is very fast at shining apples.
As to where you should go to school, that’s a tough question — one that requires a lot of consideration, soul-searching, discussion with family, friends and college representatives. You should go to Harvard!
name: Fiona
query: i respect you guys alot, as i love science. it is currently my life, along with you guys. but i have a confounding question:
oranges: what came first? the fruit or the colour?
my science teacher laughed and didnt answer. do you reckon there is some conspiracy there?
looking forward to your reply.
fiona, x

You’re damn right there’s a conspiracy, but it goes WAAAAY deeper than you suspect! What if I told you there’s no such thing as ‘oranges’, and there’s no such thing as ‘orange’, the color??!? Would you then begin to grasp the unrivaled scope of this thing? What if I then confided in you the following: I haven’t had sex or masturbated in something like three weeks! And I don’t miss it or anything, really! THEN would you begin to fathom the sheer, blinding, unparalleled scope of what’s going on here? Of what’s being perpetrated?!
Present your science teacher with these facts and dare him not to respond!
name: Ian
query: I get DANGEROUSLY aroused by my name…is this normal?
It is when your name is Ian. No name so successfully blends sexuality, bravado, courage, honesty, intensity, thoughtfulness, ethical commitment, athleticism, historical relevancy, height, surface area, tornado warnings, thermal radiation, and caramel.
Do you know what the problem would be? The problem would be if you didn’t shoot all over the inside of your pants every time you signed a letter.
name: annie
query: why are people such damn selfish assholes?
Because you only hang out with damn selfish assholes.
name: Katie
query: I love Keith … I am going to see you at T in the Park, Scotland, in July and I may kidnap him … however this may be tricky … is there any way he could come willingly? x
Well, if he comes willingly then it won’t be kidnapping. Since you’re so intent on kidnapping him, we have to rule Keith’s compliance out. But it seems like your heart’s in the right place, so we’re going to help you. What you need to do is to set up some kind of snare or cage or trap, and as bait you need to use sludge. Yes, sludge. Keith loves, loves, loves sludge — any kind of sludge. Brown, green, grey, green-grey, grey-brown, brownish-green — it’s all good to Keith Murray. Guy loves sludge! Loves to smear it all over his body! Loves to steep himself in it as though he were tea leaves and it were a steaming solvent! Loves to put sludge in his mouth and squeeze it around between his teeth! Loves to build huts of sun-hardened sludge and live in them for years and years at a stretch! He loves — and this part is kind of a secret — to put sludge in jars and label them with the names of important substances and then sneak the jars into the cabinets of America’s foremost scientists.
Using some decent muck or sludge, you will certainly snare yourself a Keith Murray. What you do with him is your business, but give consideration to the following plea: When you have finished, bury him in sludge! It would have meant so much to him!

Guess the Animal

Who wants to try to guess the animal? Everybody does! Hooray! Okay, we’re going to start with a hard one that we just learned, okay? So think about some of the animals that we just learned about in the last couple of weeks. Okay, here we go.
A native of North America, I use my slightly-webbed hind feet to navigate my chosen habitat. Several years ago I was introduced to The Netherlands, which is a country in Europe, where my burrowing habits damage dykes and levees; for that reason I’m hunted by the Dutch and sometimes served at restaurants as waterkonijn.
What am I?
What am I, huh?
Can anybody guess?
Here’s a hint: Over the course of her life, the female of my species typically has two or three litters with between six and ten babies in each litter.
Still nothing? Uh oh, you guys are in trouble. Okay, here’s another hint: “waterkonijn” means “water rabbit”.
That did it! That’s right, I’m a muskrat! A muskrat is correct! All right, great! Good job! Now you’ve loosened up your noodles a little bit, got those connections firing, let’s move on to something a little tougher.
Guess the animal.
I have four strong legs that allow me to run very fast — so strong, in fact, that I can carry people around on my back or even pull carriages behind me. People who use me for this sort of labor tend to nail U-shaped metal “shoes” to the hooves on my feet, in order to protect them.
I’m the most popular racing animal, and every year at events like the Kentucky Derby people bet millions of dollars on the abilities of some of my species’ more athletic members.
Any ideas?
Guys, anything?
A dog? No, no. Good guess, though. You can’t really ride a dog.
A bull? No, great guess.
Anybody else? Okay, here’s another hint. I’m a vegetarian and tend to live on grass and hay, but I have quite a sweet tooth: sweet vegetables like carrots and even actual sugar cubes are my favorites!
Anybody have it?
A… a what was that? A dog? No, no dogs don’t eat hay. And somebody already guessed dogs. Anyone else? Come one guys, think hard…
Okay, another hint: I’ve been in lots of movies! “The Black Stallion” was all about one of my kind befriending a young boy. In any movie involving knights and swords, the heroes are always riding around on top of me. There was even a movie called “Seabiscuit” about me. Indiana Jones prefers riding me to riding a camel, and in the movie “Hidalgo”, the guy from “Lord of the Rings” rides me all over the desert. In fact, some policemen in big cities like New York and London still ride around on me because I make it easier to push through crowds of people.
Anyone have any ideas? No? Nobody has any ideas? A cow? No, I’m not a cow. I’m not a cow, now come on, really think. Reeeally think, guys…
How bout this: my name rhymes with ‘morse’ and ‘borse’ and ‘course’ and ‘Norse’ and ‘lorse’ and ‘rorse’ and ‘torse’ and ‘zorse’… anybody? Anyone get it? Has anyone thought of what animal I am? Anybody?
How bout this, I look like a zebra but without the stripes. Anybody? I look like a donkey. Anybody? Anyone get it? I look like a pony. Or a mule. Can anybody think of it? Nope, not a lion, but that’s close. Like a lion, I have a mane. But think about a zebra, but without the stripes. Think about a zebra, but all brown. What would that be? Anybody know? What would a solid brown zebra be called? Or what’s another word for a pony? What else can you call a pony?
Hold on a sec, everybody… Okay, you see this? What’s this? What’s this a picture of? Can you tell me what it is? Can you tell me what this is a picture of? See that? What’s that? Okay, hold on a sec… give me just… one… second… I’m gonna… pop this tape in, and… Okay! Now, what are those? What are those animals there called? No, they’re not bulls. Look at them running there. What does a bull look like? That’s right, a bull has horns. But these don’t have horns, do they? No. No, so what are they? If they’re not dogs and they’re not bulls and they’re not lions or cows or zebras, they’re… they’re… Anybody know? They’re… they’re… What are they? They’re… horses, everybody. Horses. See? Like a big zebra, but with no stripes.
Your daddy has a horse? Well, I’m surprised you didn’t recognize the pictures. His name is Thunder? Well, I’m surprised you didn’t recognize the horses in the video. Is that what your daddy’s horse Thunder looks like? It is? Well, I’m surprised you didn’t recognize a picture and a video of a fucking horse when your daddy has one at home. Doesn’t that surprise you a little bit? Doesn’t it surprise you? Well, it’s okay to say that word sometimes when you can barely believe something; I’m sure your daddy uses it sometimes, too. Well I’m sure he just doesn’t tell you about it. How about this Carol Ann, we’ll play one more round of animal guessing. My name is Thunder and Carol Ann’s daddy is my owner. What kind of animal am I? A horse, that’s right, Pete. You’re a fucking genius. You actually got it before Carol Ann, which officially makes her the stupidest person in the world. Don’t you think so, Carol Ann? Well, yes, but remember it’s okay to use those words when you can barely believe something, and Pete guessing what kind of animal your daddy has before you can is pretty amazing. Don’t you think? Carol Ann? Don’t you think so, Carol Ann?
Alright, everybody go to the cafeteria now, it’s time for lunch. Carol Ann, remember that your sandwich is the thing inside the bag your mommy gave you, and your hand is the thing at the end of your arm that you pick other things up with. I want you to be very careful not to accidentally eat your hand instead of your sandwich. If you have any questions, just ask Pete. He’ll be happy to help you, won’t you Pete? Yeah, great.