NME Tour 3

We’ve dropped into Week Two here on the NME Tour, and we are gathering speed. Shit is starting to get real, we assure you. Take a look at this photo, for example. Ah, but that’s the absolute least of the excess. Never will we forget Michael’s mad mad costuming of two nights past, and neither will you once you gaze upon it. It hasn’t all been fun’n’games, of course. Look what happened when our green tour manager Adam tried to fix the garbage disposal on the bus by himself and without any protective gear for his hands: yikes! And even the most jaded among you, even those who spent weekends as a youth rewinding and pausing (and rewinding and pausing and rewinding and pausing) Faces of Death, will doubtless experience nausea when you see the grisly results of this teenage fan (her entire future ahead of her!) getting caught between the giant nubby wheels of our faithful transport, The Mineshaft Canary. Yes, but everything was back to normal as of last night, when the whole gang — Maxïmo, Monkeys, Jets & Scientists — got together for an improvised, multi-instrument rendition of Achy Breaky Heart on the Mystery Jets’ tour bus. We don’t go anywhere without our MBox, thanks to which you can take a listen here.

NME 2

Let’s take a moment to examine two things:
(1) Our gorgeous new tour bus, The Mineshaft Canary
(2) Michael Tapper’s breadth as an actor


Visible here is the Mineshaft Canary’s fine yellow plumage, whence, along with her shaft-like shape, she gets her name. In the first shot, Michael gives us Thunderous Pensiveness; in the second, Amused Indignation.


Michael wears a look of Gobsmacked Astonishment on entering the Canary and encountering the bunk room.


He chooses a bunk and instantly assumes a look of Near-Parental Pride


Paralyzing Fatigue overcomes him as he tests his new pyre’s character.


Next it’s off to the Command Centre, where collecting his daily per diem brings Michael to The Verge of Rapture.


It’ll take many several cold beers to calm him back down, so when Michael reaches into the fridge and finds the chopped up parts of a dead tramp instead, he registers Cataclysmic Disappointment.


Last stop: the entertainment room. Here, after a few tries, Michael is able to hold all the remote controls at the same time, which results in A Frantic, Breathless Sense of Accomplishment.


On the way back across the street to the venue, Michael encounters a couple of Belfast fans and agrees to pose for a pic; in it, he’s able to express A Mustache.

NME 1

First night of the NME Shockwaves Tour, and shock indeed rippled through the Irish cityside. Dublin, our first visit, though two of us (Murray and Cain) bear heritage. Mystery Jets, 7:30. W.A.S., 8:20. Arctic Monkeys, 9:10. Maxïmo Park, 10:10. A tour of goliaths.
Chris, frayed by overnight travel, neglected to bring his goggles onstage, thus tethering himself, a rottweiler nuzzling his muzzle excitedly into sixpack packaging. Keith and Michael proceeded apace, aware too well that disaster wasn’t an option, that a tour of this size demands at least partial penitence to form; that, jet lag or no, we couldn’t blow this one. Tomorrow night we’ll blow it though, big.
We’re supposed to be shooting footage for MTV2 US and UK, but the camera battery gave out just as we unholstered it to record the inaugural post-show champagne decapitation. We were a painter unrolling his brushes just as the sun goes down. The loss, ultimately, will be born by television audiences the world over.
On a positive tip, the April UK tour has expanded like a tomcat who reverts from his mouse diet to milk. Bristol, Glasgow, and Birmingham have upgraded, and a show at the Empire has been added in London town. Be there or be square. Or be from outside the U.K.

Who’s Your Favorite Scientist?/Can’t Convince Mome to Let Lizzy Sleep Over…/How to Convince Mome to Get Me a Dog…/When Will WAS Break Up?/Trouble With Painting Teacher…/Myspace Page?/Lyrics to Nobody Move?/How Can I Be As Cool As I Think I Am?

ame: jordan
query: How do i get the ladies like a scientist? Should I just tell them I am a scientist and hope that works? I just need girls and I need advice! Also, who is your favorite scientist in all of history?
Our favorite scientists in all of history has either not yet been born or is living but has yet to unveil his big invention, which is Space Painting, which would allow us to paint in space. Like, not to go up into space in a space ship and paint in zero gravity on a canvas. Space painting is where you actually paint.
Space.

Substantially more exciting than the stuff we currently consider advanced — fission, dirtbiking. And the scientist who invents it, besides rounding up all the major prizes and enough cash remuneration to last her family for a thousand years, will also earn the honor of our band going around saying, “Man, yeah, that lady who figured out space painting, hands down.”
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name: Courtney
query: I’m trying to convince my mom into letting my friend Lizzy spend the night on week-nights during the summer but she won’t let me neither will my dad. What should I do?
Appeal to the family dog? If you can curry his favor, that’d be a place to start. Play your cards carefully. Be strategic. You just may bring Mom and Dad around with a “But Dr. Mallory thinks it’s okay” gambit.
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name: Samantha
query: I love dogs, but i dont have one. When i ask my mom for one she just says “no.” And then when i ask her why she just says “because you don’t need one.” She never gives me a REAL answer. How do i get her to change her mind?
What if instead we got you to change your mind? You don’t want a dog. Seriously, you don’t. Why? Well… what makes you think you do? Have you even thought about it? About the responsibility? About all the shit you are going to have to shovel? Go ahead and take that literally, by the way. Owning and caring for a dog means actually getting out there and shoveling that animal’s shit, which gets all over the shovel and remains on the grass where it was initially dumped and also splats all over wherever you throw it and, in case you hadn’t heard, smells completely awful. There’s a reason that when something smells particularly terrible we say, “Man, that smells like dogshit.” “Man,” you hear the guy mutter, “this corpse has been lying here in the sun for probably days and I have to say, it smells just like dogshit.” And yet you’re hoping to bring an animal into your home whose main specialty, whose one reliable function, is to crap out putrid little rotten corpses. That smell awful.
Not only that, but dogs bite people, and then you get sued by them. This is a daily occurrence, in case you don’t read the newspaper. You’re going to bring home a new boyfriend one day and your dog’s going to get jealous and bite your boyfriend’s face off, the face that made you like him in the first place. And then his parents will sue your family right into the poorhouse.
Have you heard of “slobber”? Do you tend to think of it as a positive term? Because the other thing that dogs can be trusted to do, besides thumping gaseous dead rats out their ass and besides biting everybody, is to slobber all over themselves and you.
If you have other pets, say goodbye to them now, because your dog is going to kill them.
You need to do some serious thinking about whether a dog is really what you need in your life right now.


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name: Sappy
query: When are We Are Scientists breaking up?
When it is becoming clear that things with the girl are not to be working out and efforts to repair are already having been tried and resultingly hope is being lost.
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name: michaela
query: hey
i am an artist and my painting is really pissing me off because my teacher (yes im still at school sigh – two more years, two more years..), yeah, my goddamn teacher fucked it up. how can i make it better, still keeping the composition she suggested but retain my approval and adamant love for it? also, is it advisable to read a dictionary or thesaurus to up my vocabulary to your astronomical standard (no flattery there whatsoever)? which publication and company would you advise? ps you guys rock hardcore xxx

Michaela,
Reading the dictionary is not enough; you need to memorize it. Forget about a thesaurus. It’s a waste of time. What need does a person who knows all the words have for a thesaurus? Not much.
This painting thing — that’s a tough situation. If we understand correctly, you’ve got the painting pretty close to how you want it, and something about the way it is now makes you love it. But your teacher wants you to make substantial changes to it, presumably because she finds some formal flaw with the way you’re going about describing things with the paint. Well, there’s your love to consider, sure, but are you forgetting about something? Are you forgetting about… your teacher’s love, maybe? You love the painting now, but your teacher is asking you to make a couple of changes so that she can love it. And what’s wrong with that? Are you suggesting that your love is somehow worth more than hers? The opposite is actually more sensible; after all, your teacher is a professional artist who knows how to really love a painting. We suggest you follow your teacher’s instructions and give that brilliant, lonely old woman something to warm her in her final weeks.
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name: Dan
query: heyo ppl, you lot on myspace? simple question should hav a simple answer, or if u’d like you can make it a long one with dragons an tales of unicorns an hippys…or somthin like tht, its up 2 u
For the answer to that question you have to go back forty years to the 1960’s, when hippies and unicorns still roamed the earth. You see, at that time there was no Myspace — no internet even — and yet something about dragons. Years later we would establish a page on Myspace, but hide it away carefully at Myspace.com/wearescientists so that only total geniuses would be able to find it without our help.
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name: J C
query: Hey! plz could u send me the lyrics to ‘nobody moves nobody gets hurt’ its an ace song!
thanks

Of course:
Lyrics to Nobody Move (with instrumentation)
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name: glen
query: Why is it when I alone I am so assured of my unmatched charm and razor sharp wit? Everyone from the people on TV to wannabes in magazines fail to compete with my firm grasp of the latest trends and fashions. I am infaliable. It is almost as if my life is script for a movie and I’m the dashing lead.
The only problem is whenever I leave the house and encouter any kind of social situation and tend to melt and sticky the hand of my confidence in a melting ice cream type of metaphor.
How can achieve the level of cool confidence that I have within my head within the context of actual reality?

Well, Glen, you just typed, “I am infaliable.” That seems like as good a place as any to start. The fact is, everybody is their own biggest fan; everybody thinks they’re cooler than they are; everybody spells worse than they think they do. Even if they think they spell really poorly, they doubtless spell even worse than that. Just take the pressure off yourself, Glen. It’s your worst enemy, this pressure. Relax into the fact that you’re kind of a retard. Just ease down into that reality and make it your home. Sit in it for a while like a baby sits in his stool. Probably that baby enjoys the warmth. Try to enjoy the warmth. Draw strength from it. Shift your bum around in it a little. Accept, Glen. Now get out there in the world. Walk confidently, comfortable in your mediocrity, resigned to it; not agitated by the wicked one-two punch of your own high expectations and the creeping sense that there’s no freaking way you’re living up to them.

THE 10 NEWS STORIES WE MOST WANT TO SEE IN 2006

#10: Actor Josh Lucas Wins $246 Million in Connecticut State Lottery
Actor Josh Lucas, who appeared in the films “Hulk” and “A Beautiful Mind”, turned up the winning ticket yesterday for Connecticut’s state lottery, the jackpot of which had grown to $246 million, a record payout for this or any lottery. Said Lucas, “My friends always used to call me ‘Lucky Luke’ in high school, but this is the first time I’ve really stopped and thought, you know what, I am one lucky son of a b___h.” The actor said he plans to donate most of the money to charity, but only after he’s bought his mother a new house.
#9: Actor Josh Lucas Lobbies Washington
Actor Josh Lucas appeared before a congressional panel today to testify that firing unwanted items and garbage into space is bound to backfire. The Hollywood celebrity, who starred in the films “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Stealth”, told senators that although space is thought to be infinite, infinity is “still a number” and “numbers run out.” Said Lucas, “We’re to the point as a culture where the moment we deem something undesirable, we shoot it into space. Trucks, hide, twine, bb’s — all and sunder gets tossed up into space without a second thought, but we’re going to wish we thought twice when we get up there and see what an awful mess we made, as we inevitably will.” Alaskan senator Ted Stevens has authored a bill that would make Alaska, instead of space, the target for launched odds and ends, a measure which Lucas has called, “better than doing nothing.”
#8: Actor Josh Lucas Convicted of Fraud in Connecticut State Lotto Win
Actor Josh Lucas, whose films include “Secondhand Lions” and “American Psycho”, admitted this week that he rigged the Connecticut State lottery. The actor told reporters, “I was thinking about it, and about how easy it would be to rig it — all it would take is a few hours on a computer and a decent printer — and I thought, well why not?” A court has ordered Lucas to return his winnings to the Connecticut State lottery board. Lucas told the court that he “will try to find it.”
#7: Stem Cells Used to Heal Heart Attack Patients
A group of scientists at the UCLA Medical Center led by actor Josh Lucas have chalked up another benchmark in the treatment of patients who suffer from heart disease. In a clinical study conducted in Los Angeles, Lucas successfully used stem cells taken from the umbilical cord blood of patients’ children to grow new heart muscle where it had been lost as a result of a heart attack. Cardiac muscle contracts the heart, pumping blood throughout the body, and can deteriorate as a result of coronary artery disease, which prevents the muscle from receiving blood and oxygen. Unlike muscle in other parts of the body, cardiac muscle does not grow back. In a feat that Surgeon General Richard Carmona has called “Nobel calibre”, Lucas has succeeded in growing new cardiac muscle. Said Carmona, “What has been accomplished here is nothing short of a miracle for the hundreds of millions of people worldwide who suffer from heart disease. This can change everything.” Lucas, who appeared in the films “Wing Commander III: Heart of the Tiger” and “Minotaur”, told reporters Monday, “Cord blood stem cells have been used to treat everything from cancer to sickle-cell anemia. But I always knew that if we unlocked their true potential, we’d be looking at something really big, something that could affect not one percent of the population, but fifty. I’ve shown that I was right.”
#6: Josh Lucas Tapped to Play Hercule Poirot in Planned Trilogy
Paramount announced today that Josh Lucas (“Minotaur”, “Dropback Ten”) will anchor their planned mega-budget Agatha Christie trilogy as detective Hercule Poirot. Poirot, protagonist of more than thirty Agatha Christie mysteries, is a Belgian born British private detective in post-WWI europe who favors deduction and insight over hands-on investigation and is known for his fastidious facial hair, dandy dress, and short, stocky stature. The films, which begin shooting this spring and are budgeted at more than $200 million per film, will comprise three of Christie’s best known mysteries: Murder on the Orient Express, The ABC Murders, and Death on the Nile. Support cast will include Paul Walker (“8 Below”, “8 Down Under”) as Poirot’s sometimes sidekick Arthur Hastings, and Kelly Clarkson as Countess Vera Rossakoff, the detective’s lifelong love interest. Lucas will receive $80 million for the three picture deal, a record paycheck for Hollywood that one industry insider called “richly deserved.”
#5: Josh Lucas, Actor, Killed by Bear
Josh Lucas, the actor who earned popular attention in films such as “Wing Commander III: Heart of the Tiger” and “Minotaur”, was discovered dead in his apartment Monday, killed by a bear that Lucas kept in his home. According to friends, Lucas and the bear were “inseparable.” The actor is survived by his bear, Hercule.
#4: Actor Josh Lucas Returned to Life
In a laboratory at the UCLA Medical School yesterday Josh Lucas, star of the films “Minotaur” and “Wing Commander III: Heart of the Tiger”, was brought back to life by a team of doctors who carefully followed instructions left in the actor’s will. Lucas, who was found dead in his Los Feliz home last week, remains unconscious but in good condition at the UCLA Medical Center. Dr. Ben Gannon, speaking at a press conference yesterday, said: “At this stage we have only a faint understanding of what has happened. Suffice it to say that Mr. Lucas, who was very much dead yesterday, today is very much alive.” Gannon and his team were alerted on Wednesday by the actor’s agent after he found in Lucas’s will a lengthy, highly detailed set of instructions to be carried out in the event of Lucas’s death. Said Gannon, “A lot of [what the will contains] is next-next-generation stuff, things the medical community is only dimly aware of, and only in the realm of theory. It’s astounding. Put it this way: if you were to represent the sum of human knowledge as a line, with cave-men on the left side and Josh Lucas on the right, the world in 2006 would lie substantially left of center. It’s utterly astounding.”
#3: Josh Lucas Announces Plans For ‘Society of the Future’
Actor Josh Lucas (“Minotaur”) revealed in a televised appearance on NBC yesterday evening that he has completed plans for what he calls “the Society of the Future”. In a one hour address that began at 8 p.m. EST, Lucas detailed a “complete overhaul” in the world’s economic systems that he says will engender “a society free from hunger, inequality, and disease.” The actor says his plan is founded on a “careful study of all things Earth” and the gigantic scientific advancements that he has kept somewhat mysterious in the months following his resurrection at the hands of UCLA doctors who blindly followed instructions contained in his will. Some of the steps Lucas called for yesterday included “the dismantling of all weapons of any kind”, “the incineration of all food stores”, and “the elimination of all property considered precious.” President Bush responded today by calling Lucas’s plan “intriguing”, saying that he “welcomes further detail.” He advised the world “not to begin implementing any of Mr. Lucas’s steps until he gives us more detail about how the whole thing is going to work.” This despite Lucas’s concluding remarks last night: “I have risen from death by my own ingenuity. If I can conquer death, surely I can conquer the lesser scourges — sickness, poverty, hatred. My methods depend on technology light years beyond anything you know. Language is insufficient for me to make even the greatest living scientist understand. I repeat: you cannot understand my plan for you. And I tell you this: my instructions are not optional.”
#2: Several Nations Sign Lucas Pact
As of yesterday, leaders of seven nations had signed the Lucas Pact, making Josh Lucas’s plan for a Society of the Future law inside their borders. The signatories — Japan, China, Germany, The United States, India, England, and Brazil — issued a pledge to “see The Plan implemented throughout the world.” While speculation on the nature of the multilateral pledge has been plentiful, no detailed statement has yet been made by any of the participating nations. The announcement made yesterday was both short and vague, promising “to use peaceful means where possible, but to embrace alternatives whenever necessary.” Actor Josh Lucas, who appeared in “Wing Commander III: Heart of the Tiger” and “In the Heat of the Night: A Matter of Justice”, said, “The brave nations who signed my Pact have cleared a path toward a future for all nations, for all of mankind, without sickness, poverty, war, even death. Now it is time for the rest of the world to fall into line. They should now consider themselves warned. And I repeat: participartion in my plan is not optional.”
#1: Delicious New Pies Now Widely Available
Some delicious new pies have finally hit the market and are available everywhere you buy food. Available in a variety of flavors, the pies are said to be completely amazing and worth triple their price. Those pies go on sale today but there are tons of them, so running out is never going to be the problem. The problem will be choosing which delicious flavor to eat.