Field mice, Last week we

Field mice,
Last week we got in there over at 770 broadway, over there in the village, we got in there and we did some work for the MTVu people, did some things that — should you expose yourself to them — will enter your mind like a semtex weevil and blow the whole fuckin nerve basket there into about ninety pieces. What we did is a taping for a show called The Freshmen. That involved us sitting on stools and watching music videos and critiquing them on-camera. Usually the program has college kids trying to drop the knowledge, but as you go to college in the first place because you don’t know shit and are trying to find out one or two or — in the best cases — three things, and but since college students feel that they must act as though sometime early in their freshman year they already learned one of those things — which act results in empty arrogance –, we’re very sure our critiques will go down in MTVu history as wise and turbulent on an almost biblical level. Don’t take that slight on college kids too personally, college kids — we were in college, too, and that’s exactly how we know about the rampant hubris. Now we’re just as sure of ourselves, but with the added ingredient of nearly always being right, we’ve gone from ‘really tired to be around’ to ‘really, really fucking fun to be around’. Hey but so we’ll be hosting The Freshmen all week August 22nd through the 28th. Monday, August 22, is an especially hot day to watch MTVu because Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt is going to be a “Back to School Week All-Day Premiere” that day, which means that with the exception of the Freshmen episode we host that day, literally the entire 24 hours of programming that day will be the bear video over and over again, back to back. No, just kidding, but they will play it many times throughout the day, is our understanding, that that will mark the first showing of W.A.S. video footage on home territory. Equals BIG TIME.

Tasha, Confused Girl, Frankie, Pedro, Tom, Dave G, James Brand, Mary, Fflur, Andrew

name: tasha
query: where can i find lyrics for your song nobody move, nobody get hurt. i can’t find them anywhere and i have noidea what you are saying in the song.
Keith usually works on the lyrics in this hard-bound black book of his; the lyrics to Nobody Move have got to be in there somewhere. You might even find early revisions or something cool like that. Maybe a version where he says,

My party, not your party!
I won’t permit your body
through my door nor ‘pon my floor
so be
thee
gone
just get
thee
lost, yeaah

or something along those lines. Maybe the verse would be,

If no
one moves
the stuff on the mantle my ‘rents
won’t know
You guys all came over and
smo-ho-hoked these drugs
‘n’ comported yourselves like thugs

Could be a treasure chest. Please keep us abreast of any findings.
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name: confused girl
query: hi…um i really need to avoid school tomorrow so i was wondering, how can i fake a fever? i already had one but now its fading and i need my head to be really hot or i have to go to school, so please help me!
Some viruses work very fast and should be able to put your temperature through the roof in plenty of time to get out school tomorrow. Contract Hanta, Ebola, Margsburg… hell, even a good strain of Influenza will have you sick as hell by morning! If you can’t get a good virus, we suggest the food poisoning route. Botulism will leave little doubt in mom’s head that school is the last place on Earth you need to be — you might even worm a hospital visit out of it.
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name: frankie
query: what is the critical angle of glass?
What do we look like, optics guys? Cuz we’ve gone to a great deal of trouble to hide it! So hopefully it wasn’t totally obvious! That we are in fact optics guys!
No but anyway, Frankie, in order to calculate that, you’re going to need a cut of reasonably pure glass that’s at least big enough to draw a 30″x30″ square in the center. Now position the pane horizontally on a couple of short saw-horses (any stand is fine) so that you have a sort of glass table, ideally around 2′ tall. Put a couple of stacks of magazines and a bowl of nuts and maybe a bowl of M&Ms on there; finish it off with a fresh, conservative flower arrangement in a nice vase. Now what you do is you get crouched down all low and slithery under this table and you wait for your friends to come over. And you just set down there under the glass like a snake in his hole. And you study your friends through the glass as they browse the magazines and graze on nuts. Your eyes all bugged out and your teeth bared, you just watch and watch and watch.
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name: Pedro
query: do you like girls with mullets?
Pedro,
Interesting question. We don’t not like girls with mullets. Not to say we don’t not not like girls with mullets either, of course. But do we like them, though? These girls with mullets? No, not really. Not because of their mullets or anything, it’s just… Well, you know what we mean.
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name: Tom
query: I’m hot, I get too much sex, and girls want me… but when I’m in a reltionship I feel a constant need to be a player, I feel a need for an ego boost. I need to be told Im pretty. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IM PRETTY! whats that all about
Well, Tom, probably what’s going on is that you’re conflating your physical beauty with more valuable qualities like character and intelligence. It’s understandable that you’d do this, because it’s convenient — as you said, you know you’re pretty. And so you have this frustrating situation where part of you collects girls because doing so verifies that you’re good-looking, which is what this part of you thinks is valuable. Then there’s the other, less conscious part of you; this part knows that beauty is a shallow achievement indeed, one worthy of little esteem compared to a gemstone like character; and your naughty side is continually proving to your subconscious side that you have no character. Which is where the disappointment comes from, the disappointment in yourself that, although you’re only dimly aware of it, compels you to complain to your friends and yourself and America’s Favorite Rock Band.
In sum, cowardice and mental laziness have resulted in your conviction that what you want is compliments on your appearance. If it really were confirmation of physical beauty you were after, though, you would be satisfied by now and would be capable of not cheating on people. What you in fact are after is the same thing you’re pissing away every time you philander. That is why you can neither stop cheating nor enjoy it for the “ego boost” you’ve convinced yourself it gives you.
Now that we’ve apprised you of the fact that you’re living in a stupid dream, you should be able to wake up from it if that’s really what you want. Please also forward us the phone numbers and iChat addresses of some of these hot ladies you’ve been cavorting with — they sound loose!
—————
name: dave g
query: I’m 16 years old guy and I have a problem I thought maybe you could help me with. I’m not the most experienced of people, and I was wondering if you could fill in my knowledge…what and where is the clitoris? I really want to impress my future first girlfriend so spare no detail…
The… the “clitoris”? Uh… And you say this has the power to somehow impress girls?
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name: james brand
query: how much would u pay someone to streak at your concert??
We would pay them with a smile and a nod. Maybe the flash of a camera if they were cute.
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name: Mary
query: You are playing in Manchester (my home) the night before my crucially important science modualars. Should I stay (at home) or should I go (to the gig)? Thank you and goodnight.
At times like this we have no problem being unabashedly selfish: stay at home and study for your test. There is just SOOOO much that we want science to invent as soon as possible.
—————
name: Fflur
query: I like you. Will one of you, or all of you be my boyfriends? If not, tell me if the boy I like a little likes me.
Yes to all queries. Now you’re in a bit of a pinch, aren’t you, Fflur?
—————
name: Andrew
query: How ca i get rich without doing anything at all? And i can’t play any instruments, so i can’t form a band or anything…
As far as we’re aware, there’s really no way other than being in a band for a person to reliably become extremely wealthy in the absence of any effort or skill. That is of course why we are all in a band. It’s too bad you weren’t born able to play instruments, as the inevitably rich members of the world’s bands were, because seriously: being in a band is zero parts time commitment, zero parts struggle, 2 parts huge wealth, 2 parts awesome parties, 1 part monstrous disgusting wealth, and 2 parts mind-rattling, math-defying wealthiness.
Probably the quickest way to effortless riches in your case would be to commit suicide and get reincarnated with musical ability.