Stu, Katie, Becky, Anthony, Ayla, Zennor, Jatil, Sarah, Rachel, Chris, Mat, Brad

name: Stu
query: i havnt really got a question but more a compliment. just been listening to ur songs on ur site and they’re amazing. good to finally hear sum catchy, musically technical and really pleasent songs. u guys are hard to come across and i really do hope u make big here in the U.K u have my support and i’ll hopefully b able to make it to atleast one of ur gigs.
happy playin,

Why can’t the rest of you be more like Stu? Unambiguous in your praise, open with your opinion, unafraid to stand up and laud the hell out of that which rings thy bell, the We Are Scientists. Teach them, Stu.
name: Katie
query: I am debating whether or not to embark on a can of coke (or “Coke” if you’re being really picky about it) What do i do? Reply quickly, because if the answer is “Yes”, i might die of dehydration.. In which case I will make sure that you are held personally responsible for my death. Tatty-bye! xXx
We’re contractually forbidden from endorsing your consumption of Coke or any other Coca-Cola beverage. Now, PEPSI — there’s a delicious refreshment. Subtle flavor; carbonation gentle yet firm; evocative, romantic, precise coloration; classic logo. Don’t know, there’s just something about PEPSI. Right? And the whole family of PEPSI products, really. Just something about them.
name: Becky
query: Reading your advice to other people I found myself deeply distressed by the number of semi-illiterate morons who use lower-case i’s and mis-use apostrophes. Can you not correct their puncuation before posting them on your website? And also how many buttercups do you think a girl could eat before she was seriously ill? (If you could respond to this quickly, that’d be good…)
How many buttercups could a girl eat before she were seriously ill, not was, Becky. And it looks like your rendition of punctuation is one t short. And lowercase is one word, not a hyphenate; so is misuse. And when you write them (“…before posting them on your website”), what are you referring to? Presumably you mean advice requests, but you’ve structured your sentence so that them refers to the “semi-illiterate morons”.
But all that’s neither here nor there! It has always been our belief that a girl of average weight and height and gastrointestinal capacity would be able to eat twenty or so buttercups before she died. Depending on esophageal durability, she could probably down the buttercups two or three at a time. For guys this number is slightly higher, and for labrador retrievers it goes up an order of magnitude.
name: anthony
query: Me and this girl have been hanging out for about three months now. The thing is, i recently admitted to her that i have feelings for her. Unfortunately, she said she jsut wanted to be friends. I wish i could simply say “goodbye” i don’t want to hang out, but she hang’s out wiht my friends as well. What makes things worse is i get sad when she’s around my friends. I really need help. I don’t knwo what to do, how do i get over this girl?
Anthony: Your only option is to transcend the situation. And by that we mean begin wearing a fake beard and large black sunglasses and stop washing your hair. And draw a tattoo of a snake on both forearms and run everywhere you go, don’t ever walk. Also develop an intense curiosity about the exact distance between various objects; spend all your time measuring and noting down the distance between the top front left corner of your fridge and the closest edge of the cat’s water bowl, between the last digit on your car’s digital dash and the wasp nest up in the garage rafters. Become this person and within six months we guarantee you will literally not even remember this girl’s name.
name: ayla
query: were did you get the name
name: Zennor
query: I have a science exam in two days. It is very very likely that i will fail, as the science classrooms serve more as a social area to us. Is there anything you can do to help?
Yes we could come to your class and take the test for you and fucking ace that thing to such a degree that your teacher will be left wondering what the hell is going on in the world that any one person (you) should know so many rock hard facts concerning science. Where is your test and at what time and is this a No. 2 pencil type of test or a black ballpoint pen type of test, if you know what we mean.
name: jatil
query: how do i get over a girl with whom i was madly in love? how do i erase all thoughts from my mind?
Well, you’ve answered the first question all by yourself: you get over a girl by erasing all thoughts from your mind. But so how do you go about the erasure? Maniacal tasks. Maniacal tasks are the answer, and we’ll tell you what we’re talking about, because there is one that works best. Go to a pet store and get yourself a hedgehog, an adult hedgehog — most mall pet stores will have no problem filling this order. Get this creature back to your pad and put him in a terrarium (a fish tank with no water is fine) — give him some sawdust or cedar chips to stand on — and get yourself a thousand redbulls and sit there right in front of the terrarium in a wooden chair and watch the hedgehog and don’t take your eyes off of him and don’t feed him or interact with him in any way. Watch him for a month. After a week or so he’ll die. Don’t take your eyes off of him for a full month. At the end of this month, you will be free.
name: Sarah
query: hey! my bro is graduating, and as i hate the idea of spending a full day in a state of bordom, i want to liven it up a bit. Punk style clothing would amuse me… although my lack of piercings would make it knda unconvincing, then there is always the possiblity of wearing huge sunglasses and imitating a minor celeb, something on tht kind of scale. Amusing, but not highly embarrasing. I want dirty looks, but also to appear too intimidating to be approached, (also not by the wrong people, so whore clothing is out) A wonderwoman suit however takes things too faar! Now you know my limits, what should i wear to a graduation?
Thank you for thinking of us for this job. Here is what you need to do: Get a professional to build a remote control dummy about the size of a 6 year old child — 2 feet tall or so. Dress this dummy in the clothes that you would normally wear if you were going to dress blandly for a graduation — use your actual clothes so that they are rumpled and over-large on the dummy. You yourself should wear white pants and a white t-shirt and white shoes and socks. And so what you do is you walk around right next to the dummy, guiding its movements using the remote control, and whenever people try to talk to you you completely ignore them, you keep your eyes fixed on the dummy, and you make the dummy look at the person trying to engage you and you cause the dummy to raise its hand and kind of wave. Keep staring at the dummy and keep that dummy waving until they walk away.
name: Rachel
query: heya, u dudes sound hot! erm, here’s the thing, i am a girl and i was going out with a girl, we split up because everyone in school found out, now i feel lonely and really crap becaise i know when i go back to school every1 will be gossiping about me! aaaah! its all poo! what do u guys think?
Rachel, 14 years old
xXx luv u guys

Dear Rachel,
Poo is right; that whole deal sucks. Sounds like you’re going to have to step up and become the kid who’s defiantly herself at an age when most kids have no fucking clue what that entails. You’ve got a tough road ahead, but you’re learning some valuable things; these things you learn will either turn you into a bitter, unlikable bastard, or they’ll make you a prematurely self-aware child genius of emotion. Please aim for the latter, and please tell the haters at school that We Are Scientists would laugh if they got into a car accident.
name: Chris
query: I’m considering starting up a rock band consisting of myself a group of sock puppets. Is this wise? If so, where can I find instruments small enough for the puppets to play?
You will need to fashion the instruments. But yeah, that’s a very wise idea unless you hate money.
name: mat
query: hey, anyhoo, all my friends say i talk really fast but really i don’t, they just talk real slow(i think they have problems), and if i tried talking slow it’d be boring coz then i’d think of something else coz i have a real short attention span and i’d say something new halfway through my… i just saw you guys on mtv2, nobody move. Was that a real teddy bear? anyway, living in the north east of england, my question is,
do you like toast as much as me?
greatly appreciated, ^

Hey, Mat. MAT. MAAAAT!! Mat shut the fuck up for five seconds! Just shut the fuck up! Mat, Mat, Mat, you MUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Okay. Better. Now listen. Just keep your goddamn tasmanian devil-mouth shut for a minute and fucking LISTEN, alright? Okay, here’s the thing, Mat. You do talk too fast — way too fast. We’ve only known you for five minutes now and already the temptation to whack you on the skull with a sap is almost irrepressible. You need to calm the fuck down. You should probably start smoking pot or get on a regular course of valium or something. Anything to tranquilize that hummingbird in your head. Maybe just stick your head into a bucket and get it stuck in there for five or ten minutes — this happened to our cat with a water glass and he was pleasantly gum-brained for the rest of his days. The point is that your friends can’t be expected to hang out with a dude whose controls have somehow got stuck on fast-forward. If you want to maintain relationships with other humans, you need to somehow increase the viscosity of your mind. Either that or rig up a breathing device that infuses your air with helium so you always talk in that chipmunk voice; this might make you seem novel instead of maddening.
name: Brad
query: Benedict is a pretty crappy middle name in this day and age after the great depression up to today and its tomorrows (-_-) Any ideas on how to make it sound any cooler? It makes for fun initials though – BBC =D
The easiest way to make the name Benedict sound cooler is to shorten it to Edict. And then start going by that, and also talk about yourself in the third person. Cuz it’s a hot enough name that you can get away with that, you know? Another fashionable thing kids are doing these days is throwing accents all over their names, so maybe you could just start spelling it B�nedict. Or B�n�d��!. But still pronounce it “Benedict”. And then always write it in red, and make that part of the spelling; if anybody writes your name in black pen, start putting off major attitude and tell them they misspelled it. That’s some pretty current stuff we’d suggest.

Well, to many of you

Well, to many of you this is going to come as a real mallet blow to the skull, and not in the good way that sometimes when you snort a line of crazy fluorescent pink powder it can feel like a mallet blow to the skull. No, this is the bad kind of braining, the kind where we have to tell you that we need to postpone most of the dates that compose the imminent NATIONAL TOUR OF AMERICA OF ALL TIME. We’ll still be playing out to Chicago, and the L.A., North Carolina, and D.C. dates remain secure. See the revised schedule here. We’re piercingly aware that we are dropping a Suck Bomb on people, not our usual Thrill Bomb or Lust Bomb. But scheduling the next couple of months in such a way that we can do all the touring we want to do and also get the 256,455 elements of the album ready in time for various releases — well, it’s gotten tight, is the point. Something had to go. How else can we finish all the videos? And go to all the parties? And do the vamping that we need to do? And snort the full course of fluorescent pink powders? No but seriously, we are doing all kinds of stuff these days, and you have our word it’s all going to make you proud. For example, here’s a couple of shots of us on set at the video shoot for The Great Escape:

And here we are at a shoot for L’Uomo Vogue:

And hey! Hey! Here’s us getting ready to tape a piece for MTV2 UK:

And yeah, we’ve been playing our hearts out:

And signing the autographs:

And we’ve been getting the tanks into position:

And Chris brought this dead squirrel back to life:

And, and…
Fuck, guys… sorry about postponing these dates.