Justin, Rob Brill, Ammy, Bix, BridgettheMilf, Fresh New Face, Guest154, Ellie, Mizzaya, Erin, Claire Morley, Matthew, Theodora, Lydia, Liana, Jon, Sparkz, Suzie, Ethan

name: Justiin
query: Well you see theres this girl I like but Im not sure if she exactly likes me yet. We always get along and everything. I always make her laugh and everything but Im not sure. What’s your opinion?
This girl who, as you say, laughs when you are making jokes and who gets along with you and enjoys your company in times of languor and repose and even, let it be said, has occasionally been seen to touch your arm or to grip your shoulder or thigh, if you are seated and have made her laugh — this girl, you and she have made love to each other? This detail which you left out of your confession is perhaps the most important detail in resolving whether this person is infatuated with you. Therefore, ask yourself this: have I made love with this girl, perhaps each afternoon? If you are in a position to answer yes, then consider that this girl is yours for the taking and the time is ripe to make your first move.
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name: Rob Brill
query: Does the fun ever start with you guys?! Cheers
Dear Rob,
The fun starts here:




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name: ammy
query: you guys are such
Potent artists. Consummate kissers. Humble servants of the almighty dollar. Top notch egotists. Refreshingly sedate political thinkers. The list goes on and on and tirelessly ever on.
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name: bix
query: what kind of guitar should i get? i want to shred like p. diddy with a
mohawk.

Bix,
Get yourself a Fender Squire Telecaster and then restring it with threads of fire and sandpaper the body and paint it the color of deforestation and then replace the neck with a leopard’s femur and the nobs with unpolished diamonds and bam you’re ready to go. It’s a custom job but any decent guitar shop should be able to do it for you.
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name: BridgettheMilf
query: HEY! I don’t really have a question but…I’m the momma from Atkins, AR. That’s me and my boy you got on your site. He looooved the show, that was the first one I’ve taken him to since he’s been old enough to know what’s going on around him(he’s 14 months old now) You should definitely come back sometime. Oh, I thought of a question: Isn’t my baby the most rockin’est cutest little boy you’ve ever seen???
Bridget,
It was the first show we’ve played with one so young in the audience. To be sure, it lent a protean electricity. And the answer to your question is yes. Our question to you: can he sell merch? Does he want to do some touring this summer?
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name: fresh news face
query: Allright, this looks like the place to get some fashion advice…. I’m really wanting to awe everyone without having to use the smooth talking. I need to know how to have proper style, more style than ever.
Glad you stopped by. Check it out. The key to proper style has been right in front of you this entire time. People ask us Guys, how do you fuckin’ do it? Look so good, lay down the blanket of awe, without ever opening your mouths? We pull out a flask and take a few swigs of The Drink. Then we stare at the questioner. If they still don’t get it we take another big pull on the flask. Then we kind of wink knowingly. The secret, you see, to dropping proper style is to be a servant of The Drink. Have that shit at hand like an I.V., constantly dripping into you, constantly fueling your fashion. Take shots. Chug pints. Slurp wine from goblets. Have you ever heard the phrase “fashionably drunk”? No. Because it’s redundant. “Drunk” means “fashionably drunk”. One time this girl came up to Michael and said to him “My god you’re looking stunning right now. Stunning and elegant and refined yet alert.” He was wearing a blue swimsuit and a Corona Beer tank-top. But he was drunk as fuck. His eyes were rolling up in his head and he could barely balance on all fours. He looked great and he knew it.
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name: guest154
query: I’m playing chess with this kid from Europe and he is making me question my reasons for living, how do I get Europe chess skills?
Hey. The secret that the Europeans know that very few Americans know which allows for such consistent, tactical play on the Europeans’ part is this: When the Europeans practice, they play with all pawns — no rooks, knights, queens, kings, masons, elves, or dolphins. The result is that when they sit down across from an American with the old checkered place mat on the table between them like an eerily geometric oil-and-vinegar spill, it’s almost too easy what with all those pieces that can move in funny, big ways, like the mason, which can leap the opponent’s pieces in a graceful arc and land without a splash on the other side and then do whatever. The other thing you’ll find Europeans doing is practicing in clothing several sizes too small and soaking wet with a fan pointed at them blowing wintry cold air, so basically they’re very uncomfortable and when they play against you, an American, they wear a nice pair of trousers that fit and maybe a smoking jacket and slippers and they adjust the temperature just so, and it just couldn’t be any easier to beat you under those conditions. How, then, do you acquire these skills? Beat them at their own game. Practice in the most uncomfortable, hobbling conditions you can possibly contrive. Practice with a hawk perched on your face. Practice with your hands covered in chocolate sauce. Practice with Will & Grace on TV in the next room. Then, when next you meet a euro in gentleman’s battle, allow yourself the finest comforts. Have apples at the ready to eat. Have some nice raisins. Wear a walkman and listen to Sublime. Victory will come as naturally as drawing breath. In fact, it will come as does drawing breath when you’ve been in a car accident and are in the hospital hooked up to a breathing machine — that is to say, you will not be able to avoid victory even if you decide you might like to.
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name: Ellie
query: What am I to do? I am addicted to eBay. I have bought everything from customised union jack guitar picks to a laptop, with tshirts, cds, minidiscs, guitars, amplifiers and a headless chicken inbetween. Ok, I added the chicken part. HELP ME!
Ellie,
You “added the chicken part”, but what about the headlessness? Did you add that or was that true? Because what really interests us is what you managed to get on eBay that had been decapitated. Call our fascination morbid, we’ve gotta know! You really got something “headless” off eBay? God, what could it be, what could it be, what could it be?! This is killing us! What the hell did you manage to get! Are we talking, like, illegal shit here? Black market shit? Maybe we don’t want to know! Don’t implicate us in the crime or anything! No but seriously, what did you get that was headless?
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name: Mizzaya
query: So I bought this stupid polka dot plant for 2$ at a campus plant sale last semester. It used to be cute and bushy, but has now turned into this monstrous thing with hairy flowers and long, spindly protrusions. However, the middle part is still cute and bushy. I just dont trust this plant anymore. Should I…kill it? Fork it over to someone else? Ignore it completely? It was 2 bucks after all. I’d say I got my money’s worth a long time ago.
You need to kill this plant before it grows a dick and starts fucking your cat, for chrissakes.
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name: Erin
query: Hey i am youg and guys think i look way older and i keep on getting scared like of cousre i lied to thme but my friends like tell me not ot i try soo hard and i am soo scared these guys might stolk me
Hmm. That sucks. Unfortunately nothing can really be done.
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name: claire morley
query: hi i’m trying to find out which nail extensions would be the best for me and which ones i should stay clear of what’s the advantages and disadvantages please
Well, basically, if you get pink ones, you may come off kind of prostitute-y, but with the right outfit it can be cute. Red is more traditional but not as fun and noticeable, and after all you’re not doing this so people will keep ignoring you, right? I mean, you’re not doing this so that it can continue to be the case that when you go to a party you end up standing in an abandoned corner or on the fire escape or sitting in the stairwell, your vision swollen by tears. You’re not doing this so that you can pass yet another birthday sitting at home with a bottle of wine waiting vainly for the phone to ring; or, worse still, hanging out at a bar with your closest friends who not only are completely unaware that it’s your birthday but actually end up sticking you for a few rounds of drinks, as was the case two years ago. You’re not doing this nail thing so that drunk guys will continue to slyly and with complete sincerity ask your cute friend if you’re her boyfriend or maybe just a gay pal. No, you’re doing this so that next time you take a week’s vacation you won’t end up spending it alone at a ski cabin in Vermont watching network TV. So that next time you dip into a pet store to see about buying a friend the puppies won’t act like they’d legitimately prefer to stay in their chicken wire cages with the piss-soaked newspaper flooring than go home with you. So that next time you’re at Wendy’s ordering a baked potato and chocolate shake the slightly hot fratboy behind the counter won’t absent-mindedly tell you “That’ll be six fifty-nine, sir.” Maybe something darker, something in the eggplant kingdom?
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name: matthew
email: matthewddp@aol.com
query: my name is matthew. my friends think that i have a small penis. i dont know if it is big or small. is 8 cm penis big or small. i am 13 years old can u help me with my quiestion. please tell me if it is big for my age or not
Hmmm… eight centimeters… you’d have to put that into inches for us, to be honest. But really, your friends wouldn’t make a point of telling you how small your penis is unless it were pretty darn small, right? Figure probably not. Our guess, then, is that you’re working with some undergrown gear. Fear not, though! You will come to learn that the size of your penis is actually not that important, particularly when it comes to getting a good job or acquiring a taste for wine or things like this. With sex having a good-sized penis is definitely crucial, but sex isn’t everything in life, especially later in life, during the “golden years”. At that time sex-drive tapers and you’re able to shrug off concerns of penis size and focus on your coin collection and writing your terrifically boring memoirs.
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name: theodora
query: today i was pondering the state of board games. compared to the games of yesteryear (parcheesi, monoploy, chutes & ladders, etc.) how do today’s board games rate? and equally, if not more importantly, what does this shift or stasis communicate about the effect of we are scientists on popular culture? plus would you like me more if i was a chess champ or a twister trophy holder? (i know, the aliteration is amazing) thanks for your much needed help.
~theodora

Okay, so, one thing at a time. If you’re wicked hot, we’d prefer that you be a titan of twister, cuz the flexibility and dexterity implied by twister skills means you’d probably be fun at sex. If you’re wicked nasty, physically, then your being highly flexible and athletic would just make us want to barf more, whereas agility of the mind — which a chess queen would certainly possess — would at least allow us to have interesting and enjoyable conversations with you. Cuz like, an ugly person who’s all peppy and into twister and is always spontaneously doing jumping jacks with a grin full of braces on her face — that’s puke fuel. That’s a dick deflation device par excellence (check the alliteration!).
As to your questions about board games of yesteryear and how they compare to today’s and what that implies about the band, we don’t really care about that kind of stuff.
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name: lydia
query: wow this shit is for real? i thought it was made up by a bunch of stoners. just wanted to confirm that. oh yeh and keith is hot. does he like english chicks? thanks bye! xxx
You pose an interesting ontological assertion: that things made by stoners are not real. Ultimately, as you surely realize, it’s problematic — it wouldn’t be difficult to come up with some examples of real things that stoners have made (sandwiches, footprints, disappointment). Nevertheless, what you write is compelling. Has a stoner ever made anything that actually mattered in any way? Has one ever created something that, were it to suddenly vanish from the world, would be missed? And if a thing exerts such little friction on the things around it, if a thing can truly be said to act on nothing and react to nothing… well does it really exist in any meaningful sense?
Thanks for the interesting query! We’ll continue to ponder!
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name: liana
query: we should sleep together sometime, yes?
Liana,
Sorry we took so long to answer this! Obviously the question is now irrelevant.
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name: jon
query: iwont to fuck someone
What you do is you go to some party at the house of some dudes that you hate and you go into the bathroom and take a shit not in the toilet bowl but in the tank and you close it up. The place will stink for weeks and the assholes will have no idea what’s going on, why their toilet keeps filling up with smelly, slightly brackish water every time they flush. This is called “upper decking” and it’s considered a checkmate.
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name: sparkz
query: How do i get over the girl i have liked for 1 year?
Marry her.
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name: Suzie
query: I need help with my heavy stinky corns. And when I try to fix them my hook gets in the way. I can’t even finger myself anymore.
About this you must tell no one.
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name: ethan
query: dear tWAS
my friends tell me if i go by my middle name of lee i will be sexier
are they correct?
ethan

Lee,
In many ways Lee is a sexier name than Ethan. Though it’s interesting to note that both are unisex names. Not to say that makes them less sexy — quite the opposite. The truth is, both names are on the sexy end of the scale:

Maybe the thing to do is to go by Lee when you’re on a hot date, but otherwise hang on to Ethan. Try to insinuate to your date that calling you Lee makes her special.

“Call me Lee”
“I thought your name was Ethan”
“Uhhh…”

That sort of thing. Best of both worlds.