Matt, Abbey, Debbie, Lee, Danielle, Ayla Morphew, Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, Natalie, Gina, Steph, TG, Erin, Jon Zinnerman, Aaron Carter, Ethan Fogus, Electricia, Dustin, Andrew Bauer, Art Vandelay, Shira, Johnny

name: matt
query: ok.. well i have been with this girl for nearly 2 years but she broke up with me because of year 12 she thinks im gonna get in the way i told her i wouldnt because i wont her to do her best unlike me who didnt finish but she still doesnt believe me..im pretty destroyedd i cant get on with life i started a stupid drug habbit to stop the pain and unfortunantly its working but i dont want to get over her like that.. just last night she called me and told me her parents are moving to greece so she has to go so now im totallllllly destroyed.. i need help.. how do u get over a girl who u have been with for so long and just cant see urself without?? if u can help thankyou….
mattty…

Matty, go to college. Girls everywhere!
—————
name: abbey
query: i need to convince my mom to get me a dog, but how?
Pretty sure we’ve answered this exact question before, maybe several times. Too lazy to check. Anyway, maybe it’s you, Abbey, who keeps writing, and our solutions keep failing, but for some reason you persist in thinking we have the answer. Well you know what? You’re right, we do have the answer. Here’s what you do. Tell your mom that dogs? Dogs are fun. And people? People like fun, they love it. And what else is fun? Getting bad grades and playing with weapons. So, y’know, basically it’s her call, but you’re going to have to get some fun, and if it’s not by hanging out with your dog all day, it’s going to be by blowing off class and getting some nice guns and throwing stars.
—————
name: Debbie
query: I know this band, and they’re name is We Are Scientists, and they purport to live in NYC, yet play no shows there. So i have this bet going with a friend; help us decide the winner. Is this the direct result of the pull of the moon’s gravity, like the tides, or has one of the band members succumbed to gingavitis? Thanks, i’m really looking forward to my 5 bucks…
Deb,
This bet, it’s intriguingly limited in its scope. Are you sure it’s either the moon or gingivitis that’s to blame? Are you sure illiteracy’s not the problem? Your illiteracy, Debbie? Check the Shows page, Debbie! April 15 at CBGB! May 21 at the Tank!
—————
name: lee
query: to light a candle is to cast a shadow. what’s up with THAT?
Yes, and to love is to lose, and to skip stones is to drown them. What’s the problem exactly?
—————
name: Danielle
query: I suffer from Extreme Boredom, I try to spend my time doing things such as … well nothing. I’m one of those people in school which the teachers say “has great potential” and “is very bright”, but “doesn’t put in enough effort”. The truth is, I just can’t be arsed! Have you guys got a cure for me? Luv n peace Dan x
Yes! Here it is: In fifty to sixty years, you’ll be dead, Dan. At some point during this period you’ll realize there are at least a dozen things you’d like to do with your life. Most likely this realization will come too late, and in place of a well spent existence you’ll have a rueful, regret-soaked last ten years, years your breast will swell as it won’t have swollen since you were a teen, but where blood and hope once sprung will instead run bile thick and black with loss.
—————
name: Ayla Morphew
query: hi i am thirteen and go to junior high i want to go to a high school dance tomarro and my mom wont let me my high school freind got me a pass to go but we changed my name my mom says it is fraud so then we change it back to mine she still wont let me go and i dont know why?
Ayla,
Yes yes, the old mom-won’t-let-me-go-to-the-dance-cuz-I-forged-my-pass-and-stuff issue. We get letters about this all the time. We’ll tell you what we’ve always told people in the past: What the fuck are you talking about? None of that shit you wrote up there makes sense.
—————
name: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
query: uuuuuuuuu
Very funny, Mr. President. Don’t you have better things to do with your time?
—————
name: natalie
query: So somehow I ended up at grad school in a scientific field, despite my liberal arts background, which involved my going to desperate lengths to avoid taking science classes. But basically I’m here to use science to answer questions about what I REALLY care about–language. I feel like I don’t belong. How can I be a PhD student in a scientific field? How did you become scientists? Do I need to start a band first?
Natalie,
U sound hott! Send pic!
—————
name: Gina
query: Hello, my names Gina as you can see above. Um, I dunno I’m jus really head over heels for this guy. Oh wow i dont know how much you cant write on here but here goes. So i met em December 2004 at a Christmas party i attended with my guy friend Aaron, Chris (the guy i like) works with Aaron or used to anyways. I thought he was the hottest guy id ever seen and he was there with another girl she was adorable , real sweet (jess is her name) anyways chris asked aaron about me at work n told aaron i was real attractive n he thought i was cool, so aaron gave em my number and we have hung out a few times, i have slept with him, and i dont sleep with any random guy, it took soo long but i eventually jus said F it and did it because i had the biggest feeling for this guy. Hes in Alberta right now for 3 months for fire traning and i miss him terribly hes been gone for around 4 weeks er so maybe less and hes only called me once, he told me that he doesnt havea phone in his room and he has to walk a long ways to a pay phone and he jus got a phonecard i dunno maybe he doesnt wanna get distracted at work but ya i think the best thing to do is jus wait for him to come around, i mean he did the calling when he was down i never called em, i jus really like em a lot and i dunno if u guys believe in the astrological compatibility stuff but im a gemini and hes a cancer and its not a match made in heaven, i just am bumming here which sucks. i jus miss em, does it mean he doesnt like me if he hasnt called? if he gets back n continures calling me like he used to should i stop seein em cause he only wants to sleep with me? i dont know help!!
Gina,
Does this fellow like you as much as you like him? No. He likes fire more than he likes you; you presumably like him more than fire. Do you know how we know this? Is it because of the gemini/cancer shit? No. Is it because we happen to know he does have a phone in his room? No; we can’t possibly know that. We know he likes you less than you like him because you know it and you wrote it all over the page up there. So the thing is for you to acknowledge that now. Once you’ve done that, you can keep seeing him or not, but with your eyes open. Keep having sex with him if you like it. Stop if you only did it because you thought you might marry him someday. Never will this come to pass. Meanwhile, feel free to date other people while he’s in Alberta, because firefighters have sex with each other; it’s a well-known fact, it’s all part of the game.
—————
name: Steph
query: Who’s your daddy?
Dear Steph,
Sired by Lightning, we were nevertheless raised by Fire and mentored by Dark Matter.
—————
name: T.G.
query: i met a girl in summer school who i have been in touch with and see at least once a week ever since…the problem she has told me she likes me but she has a boy friend she wants to be with for at least the next year…we both know there is a chance of having a future together but it isnt going to happen any time soon. We both need to move on, but that is where i am having trouble. I fear if i get over her i we wont have intrest ever again…and she cant be the one that gets away…i need your opinion because i can no longer deal with this mental burden. thanks.
T-bone,
We admire your dedication to a principle: she can’t be the one that gets away. Well, if you don’t mind waiting the year or so for her to complete the album cycle with her current beau, then it seems to us you’re fine. You say you’re worried that if you move on now, if you “get over her”, you won’t be capable of rekindling interest in the future. Let us assure you, TG, that your fears are baseless. People don’t lose interest in each other, not before they’ve been together on at least a hundred distinct occasions. Even then, all they need is a couple of months or years apart and the interest will have reappeared, somewhat magically. No, you’ll find in life that having interest in other people is easy — there are so many very interesting people! What’s difficult is deciding when and in whom to express your interest. There’s your mental burden, pal. When and in whom to express your interest. It will torture you right through to your last day!
—————
name: Erin
query: Hey i am youg and guys think i look way older and i keep on getting scared like of cousre i lied to thme but my friends like tell me not ot i try soo hard and i am soo scared these guys might stolk me
Hmm. That sucks. Unfortunately nothing can really be done.
—————
name: Erin
query: omg plzz help me my friend she always lies even to her parents and she never tells the thurth some times she just but 90% she dosent she tell me she cant help it how cna i help her ..? need advice fast
The trick is positive reinforcement. During that rare 10% of the time when she tells the truth, make a big deal about it. Congratulate her. Say, “Oh, wow! You just told the truth! What you just said, it was simple and honest! Unencumbered by the taint of your lying mind! How did that happen? Did you read that somewhere and memorize it? How did a machine that makes lies suddenly spit out the truth?” That way she feels rewarded when she tells the truth and will consider memorizing more true things from the TV or magazines so she can say them in conversation.
—————
name: Jon Zinnerman
query: Hello you dirty pretty things. I was just wondering if you could promise me to reject any proposal’s recieved from my girlfriend in the near future. She has very much got the horn for you guys, but then don’t we all?
Cheers big ears.

Jon,
Who’s your girlfriend? It may already be too late.
—————
name: Aaron Carter
query: are you a real scientist??
Aaron,
What is a ‘scientist’ really? Is it someone with an advanced degree in the sciences? Then one of us is a scientist. Is it someone who takes an acute interest in the functioning of the physical world and applies carefully refined methods to investigating it? Then none of us is a scientist. Or is a scientist someone who is in a band that happens to be called ‘we are scientists’? In that case we are, each of us, scientists.
—————
name: Aaron Carter
query: are you a real idiot?
No, actually we’re geniuses that go to great lengths to masquerade as idiots, who through great effort and brilliant contrivance manage to pull the wool over the world’s eyes and convince everybody that the three brightest minds of this or any historical period are borderline-retarded buffoons whose one negligible skill is doing a passable job playing a musical instrument. And we do it all for some vastly complex, intricately plotted reason that, when it’s ultimately revealed, will capture the wonder and admiration of man for generations to come.
Come on. Of course we’re a real idiot.
—————
name: Ethan Fogus
query: President Bush is trying to shed his cowboy image. what if president bush talked like a (a) robot or a (b)pirate or maybe a (c) the “ahnold” voice.
which do you think he should use?

It would be interesting if Bush talked like a robot — probably the pirate or ahnold accents would be a little campy, but a well-realized robot delivery could be very interesting indeed. Authoritative, rational, commanding vast stores of data: these are the qualities we associate with robots, qualities which compare favorably with the current Bush associations. Before we settle on a robot as the best new incarnation of Bush, we want to advance another option: What if Bush worked really hard and nailed down a great Dick Cheney impersonation? That could be pretty wild.
—————
name: electricia
query: save me from the scary conglomeration of pointy and round that is anime! my boyfriend loves naruto and i think i somehow agreed to watch it (after a long period of resistance) but how do i save my ruined reputation after that? if i said i actually like anime that would be hypocritical, while if i said i did watched it because i was forced, that would prompt the fall of my mafia-esque reputation of steel.
Perhaps you should tell people that you watched it in order to better understand your enemy. That’s just good strategy. To really prove that your aim was malicious, you could now set about creating your own anime series, but make it so that when kids watch it their minds fill with rage and they commit atrocious acts of brutality and violence. This would turn anime into public enemy number one. Anti-anime parent groups would form and there would be congressional hearings and, in the US at least, it would be banned. That will allow you to once again look your friends in the eye.
—————
name: dustin
query: Whenever i go to my girlfriends house her mom constantly hits on me. She is a very attractive woman and i dont know what i should do. Can you please help me?
“Janie’s mom has
got it goin’ ooooon!
Here she comes in
nothin’ but a thoooong!
Her tits still firm,
she’s offerin’ me the bong!
Cuz Janie’s mom has
got it goin’ onnnn!
Oh, Janie’s mom has
got it goin’ on!
And yeah she looks good,
but also we get along!
Janie’s alright but
she’s no Janie’s Mom!
Cuz Janie’s mom has
got it goin’ ooooon!”
You see what we’re saying? You know that Fountains of Wayne song? Catchy stuff. Anyway, yeah, that’s an awkward situation, Dustin. Probably the most graceful thing for you to do is to make it clear to your gf’s mom that you think of her not as an attractive older woman, but as a doddering elderly person of unknown gender. Say things like, “Oh, Mrs. Smith, do you need me to turn that page for you?” and “Mrs. Smith, you really should move your bedroom to the ground floor — surely at your age the stairs are an unnecessary burden.” Also compliment her on her wonderfully realistic wig. And say you think it’s so cool that she doesn’t wear polyester pantsuits like everyone else her age. At the very least your girlfriend will think this sort of thing is hilarious and charming and will offer you carnal rewards of the highest order.
—————
name: Andrew Bauer
query: So I’m a Freshman in high school, popular, quarterback of the football team, best player on the basketball team. And i was seein one of the most popular seniors and so we were gettin pretty serious we were having sex ateast 3 times a week and then all of a sudden she just decided since she was leaving for college pretty soon that she couldnt even talk to me any more. So now none of my friends ever wanna hang out any more ive been playin really bad at basketball all because i cant get my mind off her. How can I get my mind off of her?
Guy,
You used to beat us up. We hope the pain is excruciating.
—————
name: art vandelay
query: hello you frisky oven mitts! what turns you on about a girl? her looks, personality, brains ect. ? (i know…you are mostly turned on by 15 year old girls, right? :)
Art,
What turns us on about a girl is that ineffable alignment of qualities that on their own are mere flaxen flakes in the stream of experience but together constitute an 80-foot tall golden buddha. A sneer, a weird haircut, velvet brown eyes, a command of languages or beasts, a solid punch, clothes that fit but aren’t tight… so many things, thousands of things, a random handful of which can twine together to snare the heart of a scientist. Of course, none of this is relevant if she’s over 15.
—————
name: Shira
query: Once there was this band website that featured pictures of this really adorable cat and then all of a sudden they discontinued pictures of the cat and I’m so bummed. What should I/this band do?
If this mystery band is anything like us, they probably discontinued the pictures because the cat died of alcohol poisoning. As to what you/the band should do, you should learn an important lesson: If you have a tiny body — if you’re a little six pound guy — you can’t glug jack daniels all night with a bunch of folks who weigh a hundred pounds or more and expect to walk away from it.
—————
name: johnny
query: I went out with this girl for 4 years and now we are broken up for about 2 months and she has a new boyfriend. I can’t stop thinking about her and i really want to be back together with her, but I can’t. She said we can try again later. I really love her. I need to try to forget her and need ideas for meeting other girls and make her jealous. How can i do this?
Johnny,
Do not fucking kid yourself, dude. That business is over with. Even if you guys did get back together after she finishes with this other guy, what’s happening now — the betrayal and injury — would be a gnawing piece of your history together that would sully everything. No, better to move on, and not in the sense of finding another girl so you can make your ex jealous. Take heart in the fact that by rebounding so quickly, your ex hasn’t taken the time to thoroughly get over your relationship. A year from now she’ll find herself suddenly faced with feelings that she’s bottling up now, and you, long ago having dealt with the separation, will be able to give her some seriously cold shoulder, effectively destroying her very mind.

Note to readers: We've decided

Note to readers: We’ve decided to subtly change our approach to the News page. We’re going to try giving (even) less coverage to shows here and focus more on non-show related information such as lies and fanciful tales. If you want to hear how shows went, you’ll now have to visit the Past Shows page (linked at the bottom of the Shows page), where we’re going to start logging such comments. We hope the change doesn’t bother you. We expect it will allow us to focus more heavily on the manufacture of bullshit here on the News page. Of course, we’ll still have to deal with the occasional piece of information here — album updates, recording coverage, etc. — but we’ll do our best to minimize truth’s intrusion.
Starting line: ?
Finish line: ???
Total mileage: ??!?%!?!?!??
It’s been several days since we last reported in, and during the intervening period Life On The Road has claimed our minds, claimed them for his own. What will Life On The Road do with our minds now that he’s got them? Throw them against a brick wall? Burn them? Marry them off to his daughters, Tragedy, Vice, and Pain? That’s up to Life On The Road. We’re no longer able to muster concern for our own fates.
Look at some of the mucked up shit we’ve seen. Look, here’s the “biggest cross in the Western hemisphere”:


Here’s a cop drifting lazily down Interstate 44 holding his gun to his own head as a means of trying to muster some concern about his fate now that LOTR has permanently subpoenaed his mind:

Here’s a Mexican restaurant in the middle of New Mexico that has somehow taken over the premises of a McDonald’s and only partially redecorated:

Probably Alfonso just found this place abandoned by the McDonald’s people, who fled into the desert after LOTR had swatted their very minds into space with a cricket bat. Alfonso, his own consciousness terrifically strained by Life On The Road, decided to paint his name on the wall and start serving burritos from the kitchen.
Here’s Keith and Michael sitting around in Claremont having a beer after a long drive in from El Paso:

They are blithely unaware of the Mexican wrestling masks that have spontaneously manifested as an outward expression of the vile irrationality that now stampedes through their minds like an army of badgers gleaming across the dark underbelly of some perverted otherworld rainbow.
After a tremendous show at The Independent in San Francisco, we joined ranks with Bishop Allen, piled into El Lobo, and undertook what would prove to be a weirdly drawn out drive to LA. Behold the matrix of dread:



Hanging out at the Prince one evening, somebody whose mind had decomposed into a cinderpot of spoil ordered silkworms for the table.

Most of us tried them. Nobody liked them. Here’s CO enjoying hers:

“Foul” was how she described the experience. Eating it seemed to actually make her angry, is how bad to the mouth these silkworms were.

Here’s something amazing:

Rule 2 needn’t be displayed, perhaps. Maybe even it can’t be displayed, can’t be put into words. It’s just a feeling you have. Also, look at the small sign at the top of the picture: “ALL PRICES OF TAXABLE ITEMS INCLUDE REIMBURSEMENT FOR SALES TAXES COMPUTED TO THE NEAREST MILL”. Why do they reimburse customers for sales tax? More crucially, what is the nearest “mill”? Million? Computed to the nearest million? You walk around the western United States right now and you’re able to watch the sanity of the world slowly evaporate like a lake in some sun-fucked desert that rain clouds recently gave up visiting.

**Next stop: The U.K.**

Point of ingress: Atkins, AR

Point of ingress: Atkins, AR
Point of egress (4 days later): El Paso, TX
Total mileage: fairly serious
On Tuesday we awoke and bade our hosts at The Godbey travel well and safely till next our path crossed theirs, then got in the Lobo Argentino and sailed for Little Rock.
It was to be a joyful day in the capitol, thanks to the Rudder family of Midland Road. At around 10, El Lobo secreted through the city limits, we raised Christian R. on a non-secure PCS line and received concise and accurate directions to The Satellite, a breakfasting service in Little Rock’s Heights neighborhood that pulled no punches in dealing us a knockout meal. Next we headed to the Rudder home, where we met the lovely and graceful Penny R., the delightful firebrand Lissa R., and the warm, gentlemanly Pat R. At chez-Rudder, there can be no shortage of encounters with the animal kingdom. The Canine government is represented by Stewart, Lily and Annie. Stewart, a muscular russet chihuahua whose thirst for affection can’t be quenched, spends his time indoors, while Lily and Annie can often be found ministering to the door mice and sunflowers in the yard. The world of cats elected three fine representatives in Veronica, Roger, and Name Forgotten. There is also a bird fella whom the Rudders rescued from a dysfunctional family environment where his parents made an activity of homicidally dive-bombing him.
In the afternoon, Lissa took us to a bar on the river walk called Flying Saucer. Here we did what is in our blood: played pool and drank hand-crafted ales.



That’s Melissa there with the cigarette, and Michael there holding the huge cigarette. Any of you who used to read The Spark web presence back in the days of its ascendency will know that Lissa was subjected to much torture and duplicity by her brother Christian in the name of entertaining the faceless masses. A couple of hours of hang time with Lissa left us really burning with the injustice of it all, such a fine and upstanding person is she, and so when we returned to the Rudder’s later in the evening, we snuck into the kitchen and removed some childhood pictures of Christian from the fridge and document-photographed them and now present them to you, the faceless masses, for your entertainment.

Jackpot.

“Why are you coming into my room while me and T.J. are working on Van Halen?”

Pictures of people when they are very young can be pretty funny.

“Here are the loaves you ordered. You should hold them like this — they warm your chest and it’s nice.”

That last one with the loaves is sort of stunning. It should be noted that the magnet fixing it to the fridge was placed directly over the loaves of bread, presumably because those loaves do make this pic sort of creepy. “Childhood photo of a serial killer” sort of thing. Also, that story about serving justice was horse hockey. We snuck these document photos before we had met Lissa that afternoon and without even thinking about Christian’s renowned commitment to disrupting privacy.

Tuesday evening we had a great show at the Whitewater Tavern, and liquidated unprecedented amounts of merch because of Lissa’s won’t-take-no approach to sales, which really struck home with the tipsy pub crowd. We formally invited her to travel with us as our merch person.
After the show we got back into the Lobo and made Texarkana, where a few hours of restless motel sleep were logged, then put van to pavement the next morning and got into Austin just before our 4 o’clock sound check time (which morphed into a 7 o’clock sound check time, then, at 7, shattered and reassembled as a sorry-there’s-no-time-for-you-to-sound-check sound check time; we didn’t really mind, though, since the only thing more boring than waiting around for a sound check is checking sound).
The show went really well that night. We got a great improvised introduction from our friend Neil Pollack, whom we haven’t seen in over a year. The Hard Rock filled to capacity for the set, possibly because we circulated a rumor that U2 was going to be playing our slot. The folks at ASCAP did a fine job with everything, and our thanks go to Jen and Jeff and Name Forgotten and Name Forgotten, as well as to Name Forgotten, who performed flawlessly at the soundboard. At this point in the story, the show behind us, you will come to understand why there are so many “Name Forgotten”s in this news piece: we spent Wednesday, 10 pm, till Saturday, 10 am, drunk. God there was so much drinking. The section of Austin that contains most of SXSW (and our hotel) was very tightly arranged, so we were able to go everywhere on foot, except when we were too drunk to walk. For a period of about a day Michael rode around in a powered wheel chair. Right now you’re saying to yourself, “Come on. This is boring. Oh boy, I can’t WAIT to hear how drunk you got, you idiots. You sound like a couple of college kids.” But seriously? At one point Keith was so drunk that he finished a beer and started eating the beer bottle; it looked like a man crunching into a delicate ice-sculpture, except with lots of blood. At one point Chris started chugging from a gallon wine bottle, declaring that he hoped to absorb some of the alcohol from his system. At one point Michael drank Jack Daniels from a plastic cup.
SXSW being a music festival, we saw a couple of great shows while we were there, but not THAT many because of how goddamn drunk we kept being. Tomorrow’s Friend, now six members strong, really killed it. Mute Math, who played the ASCAP showcase with us, did some vacuuming of our minds. Their drummer, Darren, is not only literally the nicest person we’ve ever met — just egregiously nice — but also the most beastly, terrifying drummer yet announced, and watching him is totally exhilerating. Go to a Mute Math show and stand as close to Darren as you can, then mail us five dollars for the favor of wising you up. The Immediate, a band from Dublin, spun a delightful sound. There were also a bunch of bands whom we desperately, desperately wanted to see, but missed, one after the other, because of the thing with them having alcohol available at this festival. Some of those bands were: Oxford Collapse (missed twice), Dirty on Purpose, Bloc Party, BARR, The Double (caught the end of the last song (then passed out on the floor)), Kaiser Chiefs. The list goes on, a lengthy trail of shame. So much lost. So many opportunities shot out into space from the air lock. Don’t drink, kids! It’s bad! Don’t ever ever drink! Unless what you want is to have a great, great fucking time, stay off the liquor! Unless what you care about is happiness and delight in living, steer clear of beer!
Now we’re midway through the Austin-LA trek. It’s some desolate stuff, but easy on the eyes, actually, all sagebrush and pi

Jay, God, Meg, Sarah, Don't You Know Who I'm Not?, PWINKy, Chantelle, Little Timmy, Shin, Girls 4 President, Shelly Fucking Murder

name: Jay
query: I want to fake a fever.. o any other illness.. i heard that sleeping with onions under ur armpits will make u sweat and will look like u have a fever.. is it right? any sugestions
Jay,
To be honest we’re not completely sure what effect sleeping with onions under your armpits will have, because, weirdly, we’ve never slept with them in the armpit area. If it’s anything like sleeping with cole slaw under your armpits, though, trust us when we say it’s not worth the trouble. No, there are easier ways to fake illness, methods that will just as effectively get you out of attending the next congressional voting session (how did we know? call it a hunch).
One old but effective approach is to say your leg is gangrenous. It’s just exotic enough to make verification difficult (most people don’t really know what gangrene looks like), and when you roll into the office with the “problem” leg amputated mid-thigh, suspicion will melt away.
Along similar lines there’s the classic fake cough, which involves coughing a lot, but not because any illness is actually making your throat scratchy — rather, you’re deliberately coughing to make people think your throat is scratchy. It works great.
—————
name: god
query: I am my own god, i’am my dogs gog i think, ask him, his name is Boo Boo could i be your god too?
God,
Oh, God, you funny, funny God. You keep asking us this question at night, your deep, reverby, almost robotic voice echoing off the canyon walls of our dreams. And we keep hedging, telling you we’re not sure about any of this, and so now you’ve gone and written to us on our Advice page — cornered us, essentially — because now we really do have to answer you.
So here’s the thing. We’d rather not have you as our god, but are willing to accept you as our gog, as Boo Boo has (we asked and he confirmed this). If that’s cool. Really, we’re not looking to piss you off — the last thing we need is for our brakes to fail as we’re descending some mountain road, or for an ibis to have a heart attack mid-flight and fall hundreds of feet and skewer one of our eyes with his bill. But it’s our sense that having you as our gog will be a more laid back arrangement than the alternative. Our impression is that having you as our gog will involve your teaching us to catch frisbees in our mouths, which is something we’ve been sucking at teaching ourselves. It’s very hard to do. Looks easy — Boo Boo makes it look REALLY easy — but it really couldn’t be any harder.
Do we have a deal?
—————
name: meg
query: How can I convince my parents to let me see my boyfriend all the time? because I only get to see once every weekend!! and they make me super mad if I don’t get to see him.
Meg,
You should be thankful. Seeing someone only once a week keeps things fresh. If your parents let you see your boyfriend every day — and I think they know this — you and your boyfriend would be looking at each other as the most boring fucking people on or just below the face of the earth.You would loathe the tedium, the sapping fatigue, that would have come to characterize time spent with each other. You would think of your boyfriend as a lead suit that you had to wear, a lead suit that made almost everything you did more difficult, more tiring. He would think of you as a straightjacket that smelled like Pine-Sol.
—————
name: sarah
query: how do i let my mom to let me get my belly button pierced?
Get it done on her birthday. Tell her it’s your gift to her. What can she say? All she can do is show you a tight-lipped smile as her organs cook in a boiling broth.
—————
name: don’t you know who i’m not?
query: what’s your opinion on the fishbowl lives of the olsen twins?
We could talk all day about the Olsen twins — several times a week we do just that — but all the theories, all the enthusiastic speculation, amounts to one question: Is there really just one of them? And she dresses in two different distinct ways and uses two names and pretends to be her own twin? And every time you see a picture of them together it’s airbrush chicanery? And when they appear on television debriefing Barbara Walters or Katie Couric that’s actually done through the high-tech intervention of aliens?
Okay but forget about that. Here’s another question that’s been fevering our very minds and fueling many a late-night gab sesh: Have MK and Ashley ever had sex? Not that we think they’re lesbians, but do you think they’ve ever fucked each other just to do it? Just to be able to say they did it? Just to see what it would be like to essentially make hot athletic sweat-slicked love to yourself? We’re guessing they probably have. If you think about it for five seconds, you realize they must have. They must have had sex with each other.
Another one of our opinions on this issue is that it’s really unfair that people are always gossiping about MK and Ashley, as though their private lives are fair territory for public speculation. Stop it, people! Leave these girls alone! Get a life! Stop spending so much time on the phone or the internet spinning crazy theories about these two excellent entertainers! Or one entertainer pretending to be two!
—————
name: PWINKy
query: Dear Master of Scientific Awesome:
According to you, I am dead. What should I do?
-PWINKy in the A-T-L

Test your powers. If you are dead, you’ll have a new relationship with the physical world. We’re not sure what that relationship will entail, but it’s bound to contrast sharply with what being alive accustomed you to. For one thing, you almost certainly can’t be hurt. Try chopping off your hand. Nothing, right? Okay, now smash a mason jar and chew up the shards. Not too bad, eh? Try going to this website. If you don’t feel compelled to flee almost instantly, compelled by pangs of agony, then you’re unquestionably dead. As to what you should do, well, enjoy it! Take advantage! Explore the benefits! Watch Beetlejuice for inspiration! Find a girl you really love, one who makes you smile every time you think about her, and haunt her for the rest of your days!
—————
name: chantelle
query: how can i get my mum to get me a dog
Tell her you feel like you’ve been going blind lately and that you need a seeing-eye dog. Or! Or, tell her you want to find out which of your friends are on the weed and you need a drug dog to help sniff them out. Or tell her you’re so lonely that if she doesn’t get you a dog your only recourse will be to let your American History teacher touch you but not just through the clothes as has been the dominant paradigm thus far this school year.
—————
name: LITTLE TIMMY
query: Should i have a turkey or peanutbutter and jelly sandwich?
You shall have neither, for you possess neither turkey nor peanut butter nor jelly nor bread. If you’re going to have a sandwich, you’ll have to settle for some lint sandwiched between two mouse turds.
Respectfully,
W.A.S.
—————
name: Shin
query: i though this section was advice from US to the band BOO…oh well wants some anyway?
“when pruning leaves, always were gloves”

No, this isn’t advice from you to us; we have nothing to learn from you. Do we want some advice anyway? Sure. Pruning leaves… gloves… right, got it. There’s just one problem: we don’t prune leaves. On our estate, which is vast and home to entire species of trees, we employ two foreign men to care for each tree — two foreign men per tree, in total hundreds of thousands of men from other countries. We’ll be happy to pass along your insight to our army of foreign pruners, but there’s just one problem: those guys, the foreign gentlemen, don’t even prune the leaves — not by hand anyway. No, they are all given expensive, sophisticated pruning droids which they operate by remote control as they sit poolside and slurp vibrantly colored tropical cocktails, as tasty as they are expensive, which is to say terrifically so.
So thanks for trying to help, Shin, but as you can see we’re doing JUST FINE on our own, and now we need to resume assisting the poor bastards who write in to this site, bastards whose only hope in the miserable sub-basement of life which they inhabit happens to be us, the we are scientists.
—————
name: Girls 4 President
query: Dear W.A.S.,
All this quarter I have been taking Biology 131 as required as part of my fine art degree. Problem is my professor could quite possibly be the worst teacher in the history of biological studies. Although my professor is very knowledgeable in his area of study, he is very bad at teaching what he knows to others. Most days I think skewering my eyeballs with my pencil would be less painful then haivng to sit in that class listening to him drone on for an hour (2 on Thursdays) in a class I am more than likely going to fail. Do you think I should stick the class out for the rest of the quarter and risk a massive drop in my GPA and my dream to go to the NYU School of Figuritive Art in the pursuit of vast scientific knowledge or drop the class now and waste the hours I’ve spent in that class?

G4P,
Sounds like you’re forgetting one very important thing: Learning is fun! No, just kidding, that sounds like a shitty situation. So if you have to take Biology 131 to get your fine art degree, doesn’t that mean if you drop this course you’ll just have to take it again? Is there a different section taught by a different teacher you’re eyeing? If so, that’s not a bad way to go. Otherwise, if the NYU School of Figurative Art is your dream, then you’ve got to make it happen for yourself, girl! You’ve got to study the living shit out of that Bio material and ace the final! Cue the all-nighter montage! The music? Jimmy Eat World’s ‘The Middle’! Here’s a shot of you scrutinizing a life-size cross-sectional chart of the human body! Now here’s a shot of you sitting at a study table in the library, half a dozen books open in front of you, scribbling notes as another student in the background packs up his stuff, yawns, and heads home! And now a shot of you in bed with your boyfriend! We see the two of you share a shivering simultaneous orgasm after which, heaving breaths, your b.f. looks at you with amazement, as if to say, “Where did that come from?!” You point to the night stand, where your Bio textbook lies open to a profile schematic of the male human pelvis! Next is the shot of you taking the test! We see two or three time lapses — each time fewer and fewer students remain at their desks! Finally time is called and you hand the essay book to your teacher, who kind of smirks at you derisively! And now here’s the payoff shot of everybody huddled around the sheet of scores posted on the door right outside Professor Scumbottom’s office! Your name is at the top of the list! Above the names of all the science nerds who are now eyeing you with wonder and respect! Then as an epilogue shot we see you walk into a building in Manhattan! Above the doors it says “Baruch School of Figurative Art”! It’s no NYU, but it’s still pretty good! You’re smiling and holding hands with this hunky multi-pierced art guy who is definitely not the guy you were in bed with before! You’ve moved on and found extreme happiness, even though stuff didn’t unfold exactly as you had envisioned it!
—————
name: shelly fucking murder
query: i cam across your website, idk what the hee it is, but i want a lip pircing :( but my mom wont let me, how can i get her to let me!? i want to shoot someone. 😀
And thank god you did come across our website, because have we got a plan for you. You should tell your mom that you agree with her, that lip piercings are gay and that you would never in a million years get one now that you’ve realized this. Then go get a lip piercing. She’ll be so confused and weirded out by your adolescent flippancy that she won’t really know how to deal. She’ll probably just tell you it looks nice.

Hit the 'sphalt in: Carbon

Hit the ‘sphalt in: Carbon City, AL
Left the ‘sphalt in: Atkins, AR
Total mileage: 357


You’re looking at The Godbey. Owned and operated by the incomparable Chris and Cassie
,

with the constant assistance of Foodfight

this venue we found to be of top calibre. It was a simple, beautiful evening, this show. We played. Local chanteur Andy Warr played:

Our Brooklyn homeboys The Oxford Collapse played:

We bought their t-shirts. Adam, Dan, and Mike… sweet Adam, Dan, and Mike, sweet Mike. Great, good guys. Here’s a picture of Keith watching them perform:

Notice anything weird? Anything having to do with a baby? There’s a baby watching the show. Look again. There’s a baby there, right there in front of one of the house speakers, being held by his assistant at the exact height he likes to watch shows from.

That’s us with Oxford Collapse. We paid them $5 to do this picture with us, which is why their level of enthusiasm is weird and possibly a little venal.
And that’s it. Cassie made us lasagna. Chris bought beer and Wild Turkey and gave us gas money even though the kids didn’t exactly come out in force. A good, simple night. Babies watching shows. Good things happening in this area of the world.
We were negligent beyond prosecution with photographing the Atlanta show at The Masquerade, but let it suffice to say that we met seminal board members Nathaniel (PWINK)and Ethan (Ethan), which was rewarding in the way that paying for sex is rewarding. Nathaniel snapped some shots: bang.
**Tonight: The Whitewater in Little Rock, AR. Tomorrow: SXSW!**

Chris reviews GAS STATION MARKETING


One bag? No. No, it’s not. What the hell can you do with one bag of ice? You can’t do anything. There’s not enough ice in one bag of ice to cool down anything. You couldn’t bring down the temperature of a luke-warm beverage even one degree with a bag of ice. If you put only one bag of ice in your pants, right inside your underwear, you wouldn’t feel anything — it’s not cold enough to make a difference. If you took a gerbil out of his nice warm burrow and packed him into the middle of one bag of ice, that gerbil would assume he was still snug in his burrow, such an ineffectual chiller is one bag of ice. No, you’re going to need far, far more than one bag of ice. You’re going to need at least six bags. Six to fifty. Fifty bags of ice should just. BARELY! be enough for your intended use, whatever that may be. Whether it be to put into your cooler or even just into a cup of scalding coffee in order to bring the temperature down to a nice drinkable “hot”. For these and other things, you will be relieved to have one hundred bags of ice on hand. Now, head over to the register with these four hundred bags of premium ice and we’ll get you on your way.

Insertion point onto national freeway

Insertion point onto national freeway system: Philadelphia, PA
Withdrew from freeway system at: South of the Border, SC
Total mileage: 509.6




In the mega rest stop/community called South of the Border, South Carolina, in a restaurant called Pedro’s Taco & Hot Dog & Ice Cream Restaurant or Pedro’s Casa de Tacos y Ice Cream y Hot Dogs y Breakfast or something, the girl in the photo above came to the We Are Scientists dining booth and told us: “Has anyone ever told you guys you look like the Beatles?” She was at Pedro’s with a small pack of her friends, who hung back at their table, probably intimidated by the fact that the We Are Scientists were sitting ten feet away. We agreed to do a photo. One of the shy friends came over with two cameras and got a shot with each, then obliged us and took a shot with Chris’s camera.
Other completely fucked up shit also happened in South of the Border. For example, here’s our motel room’s bathroom:



Why do you think they made the floor the color of limes that have been soaked in LSD? Why do you think they limo-tinted the shower glass? We fought with each other like savage dogs most of the night trying to get our individual theories accepted as law.
Another good thing about South of the Border is that they have life-sized plastic animals everywhere, which good taste forced us to pose with. Try to spot the ram, bull, and wild bronco horse items:





Everything — but EVERYTHING — in South of the Border is owned by the mysterious Pedro. His name peers down from all vantages like the eye of Ra. When you enter the town you temporarily become “Pedro’s [your name]”. The benefit? There is no crime.
Holy fuck, you’ve never seen our van:



We’ve been calling it El Lobo Argentino. We don’t have a logo yet for El Lobo, so if you’ve got an idea and some time and a pack of markers, work something up and send it to us. The van even came with a driver who looks like but has a separate identity from Chris:



He is called Paquit

Our biggest tour yet —

Our biggest tour yet — it may seem small to you, but it’s our biggest yet! Starting… now.
Schedule.

Four Eyes, Jessica, Bill, Ian, Carrie,

name: Four Eyes
query: My question: Why don’t guys make passes at girls who wear glasses? I developed the hypothesis: Guys will not make passes at girls who wear glasses. Through loosely controlled self-experimentation, I believe I have indeed proved this to be significantly correct (dates = > .01). However, I have yet to determine a cause. Can you help?
4i[pl.],
Yeah seriously, what’s the deal with that? Well we’ll tell you: it’s genetic purity those guys are concerned about. It may sometimes seem that guys think of sex as somehow related to pleasure, but they don’t. When guys have sex, it’s because they want children. We’re not talking about some subconscious biologically-embedded desire to procreate; that’s more what happens with girls. Fact: dudes love babies and little kids. Fact: you can’t get kids without a little sex, and dude’s have resigned themselves to this. Fact: dudes are therefore committed to having sex. And of course guys don’t want their babies not being able to see for shit.
—————
name: Jessica
query: I am only 13, and I’m not a virgin. Is that bad? Should I lie to my friends and say that i am a virgin? Almost everyone in my grade thinks I’m not a virgin. What can I say to them?
Jessica,
Hey, uh… do you have a boyfriend?
—————
name: bill
query: the chick i was dating got off with a guy i know in front of me on new years eve. I’ve told her to go away, She says she wants to contact me in the future what should i do
Change your phone number, your email address and physical address, your hair style and color, your daily schedule, the way you dress and how you talk, etc. This makes you more difficult to reach. Step 2: call her “a diseased whore whom [you] detest” and really let the loathing drip like foam from the mouth of a rabid dog. Use that as your response to anything she says, to you but also to anyone else if you happen to be in earshot. This makes it more difficult for her to want to reach you.
—————
name: ian
query: How many scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes all three of us to make the music that earns the money that pays for the butler who tells Mason, our full-time light bulb changer, to change the light bulbs when they die.
—————
name: Carrie
query: Dear Scientists,
My friends grandmother recently used the phrase “shopping uptown for downtown business” in reference to what’s commonly known in these here parts as “making out.” Could you enlighten me as to why more people don’t use this far superior phrase?

Because it features a metaphor, and like whiny children balking at their vegetables, people shrink from metaphors. Another example of that is us trying with little success to popularize this wonderful euphemism for full-on, all-out, major league fuckin: “Doin’ it downtown, and sometimes from behind, with fervor, meerkat-style.” People don’t like it. Why? Because it’s too much work for them to process the metaphor. Cattle!

The Science Diaries #11