You iron-jawed romantics, She loves

You iron-jawed romantics,
She loves me, she loves me not; she loves me, she loves me not; loves me, loves me not, We Are Scientists’ new EP has arrived. Never was a more encouraging petal plucked. Get a look at this thing:


God it’s beautiful. The Wolf’s Hour is our favorite child. It’s not only forward-thinking, it’s charismatic. It not only smells good, it tastes like s’mores. It not only kicks ass, it’s also a phenomenal kisser. Gaze on the tracklist:

Inaction
Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt
The Great Escape
This Scene Is Dead
This Means War
Callbacks Under the Sea

That’s right, CALLBACKS UNDER THE SEA

Rachel, Haley, Claire Oh, Dani Lee, Jimmyong, Turtle, Shira,

name: rachel
query: a friend and i have been having an argument as to the accepted definitions and “coolness” ordering of such terms as nerd and geek. dork would probably be in there too. as fellow scientists who i think have established themselves at the cool end of the spectrum thus giving credibility to your thoughts and decisions on the matter, what do you think? is it better to be a nerd or a geek? is one smarter than the other? can you be both at the same time? should i end my love affair with chemistry if i ever want to be seen as more than a freak (but the lasers are so darn cool…)?
Rachel,
Firstly, most importantly: don’t, don’t, DO NOT quit chemistry if what you want is to be cool. What’s cooler than chemistry? Nothing. On the spectrum of cool to gay, nothing (nothing!) is left of chemistry.


Take a look at Louis Pasteur. Louis Pasteur was the goddamn shit. To be clear, there’s no higher praise than ‘the goddamn shit’. Louis Pasteur — so it’s said — would walk into a salon full of upper crust early-bohemian hepcat types with their ivory opium pipes and their velvet waistcoats and pinstriped top hats and fake mustaches, etc., and he’d be wearing scuffed shoes and a damp wool sweater vest, and everyone’s eyes would snap to Louis like iron filaments scattered on a tray addressing a newly-arrived magnet.
As to ordering the terms ‘nerd’, ‘geek’, and ‘dork’, it’s ‘nerd’, ‘geek’, ‘dork’, just like that, coolest to gayest. That’s because dorks have no special skills whereas nerds are very smart and geeks are people who love gear and equipment and are passionate about RPGs and, often, crystals. It goes without saying that Louis Pasteur was a nerd; you may not have known that he was also a geek. Indeed, it was his obsession with the paraphernalia of chemistry, particularly beakers, that kept Pasteur in the lab when less-captivated chemists were out beating hobos.
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name: Haley
query: hey scientists. you guys make amazing music and i need a guy’s opinion on my trouble. there’s this very hot guy who lives in my building, and hangs out with people who i know but am not really friends with. (but also hangs out with my best friend and this another person who i’m not really friends with) With me so far? cheers. I’ve hung out with my friend and the girl and my crush once, and it wasn’t much fun, because they all had these inside jokes and I didn’t feel included. but he’s HOT, and friends with my friends, and lives in the same building…so what should be my next move? WHAT should I do?
Haley,
Gotta get your message across.
Got. To get. Your message. Across. To this person.
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name: claire oh
query: i am the commander in chief of a little game called “spork” at my high school (www.lebospork.info if i haven’t explained it well enough) where nearly seven score of young folks pay me a crisp five dollar bill in exchange for the name of another member of the seven score. then, all members carry around sporks. if a member catches their assigned member without their spork, they jab the flesh of the offender. the offender is forever banished from the proceedings until only one remains. the final player is rewarded for months of carrying around a plastic utensil with the absurdly large stack of green papers with pictures of abraham lincoln. it’s a lovely tradition that truly separates the strong from the weak. however, as the queen of these proceedings, there is invariably conflict regarding the legality of these, excuse my vulgarity, “sporkings”. however, the true dilemma occurs in that i am tempted to use this mound of seven hundred dollars for my own purposes. given the chance, i would hop on a plane to come see my favorite scientists (since they tend to avoid pittsburgh like the plague). what sort of ethical standards prevent me from doing this? social repercussions?
Claire,
What’s great about the game Spork is that it’s a perfect, comprehensive metaphor for life in early third-millenium-a.d. North America. To your question, there are often logistical problems with misusing money that your peers have given you in confidence, but those shouldn’t be confused with ethical problems, of which there are none. Social repercussions can include a diminished willingness on the part of your peers to entrust you with money, whether it be their Spork ante, their retirement savings, what have you.
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name: Dani Lee
query: Hi WA
I live in Miami. It’s 4:00 am on Sunday and I cant sleep. I was doing some research on hair extensions – and I stumbled upon your site. I know what your thinking – but don’t judge me, there for my dog. I would like to check you out. Do you ever come to this area. We never get anyone good here – Except for ‘Puff’ Daddy and En Reek A En Glaze E Us. Can you help this Damsel?
Kitten says Meow!

Dani Lee,
Kitten says meow, Dog says bow wow, y’know? Our fist says KAPOW! Do you see? Don’t worry, that fist isn’t aimed at you. The fist is flung at all those who would seek to come at us in a threatening manner � to “front”, to offer frontage � and it speaks these dark syllables: kapow.
We’ve never been to Miami, although Keith is from Miami (Michael’s from Texas and Chris is from Utah; this you know). Will we ever come to that area? Shit yes. Keep an eye on the Shows page.
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name: Jennie
query: Hey, my parents want me to major in Nursing, but I don’t want to. Is there a way I can major in something else without them being angry at me?
Of course. The key is to come up with something even better than Nursing. Chiropractics, Orthodontics, Angioplasty, Megalopepsi, Telekinesis, Mixology, Cryptogramics, Inorganics, Ceramic Tactics, Graphics, Tactics, Fragmentology, Tactology, Tactical Graphics � these are all great bets.
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name: jimmyong
query: why does some people likes to touch my penis?
Jimmy,
These people are called doctors. They touch your penis because your mom pays them to make sure you’re healthy, and in order for them to do that they have to examine you; part of the examination process is taking a look at your penis. If this is happening with great frequency, these examinations, then there must be something scientifically significant about your penis, something these doctors need to document and try to understand, something that could possibly change everything, everything for all of us, everything for the better.
Maybe now, knowing that it’s all on the level, you can relax and try to enjoy yourself!
—————
name: turtle
query: what is insanity
Turtle,
Insanity is a sucker punch when you lean in for a kiss. Insanity is a cock tattoo. It’s scrubbing the dinner dishes with cocaine. It’s snakes with no tongues. It’s a piccolo playing a bass line.
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name: Shira
query: I got this really hot deal on brown pants…30 bucks…like I said, pretty hot. But then I realized that my favorite shoes are green–The result, I look like a tree. Is this ok? What should I do?
Shira,
Oh christ, this is going to come as serious relief to you: you actually look like an upside down tree � brown on top, green on bottom. And while you’re right that a standard tree look would be frowned upon, inverted tree coloration is considered interesting, whimsical, and stylish. Continue apace!

A Conversation with Andy


Hey I’m Andy. One time my dad and me were walking over to where my mom works and a guy asked if my dad had a nickle and my dad said to get a job, so then today when Melanie Lippiter asked me if I had the fifty cents I owed her from when I borrowed fifty cents from her on Friday to buy root beer I said to get a job.

My mom said that my dad is a scoundrel and I told her I wanted to be a scoundrel when I grow up and she said a scoundrel is a bad thing to be but I didn’t care. My dad drinks whisky and I drink apple juice and he said when I’m older I can drink whisky. He said whisky tastes better than apple juice, and I drank some of the whisky once when Janet my babysitter was watching a movie but it was the wrong bottle because it tasted bad so I dumped it out and put apple juice in it so at least if dad ever accidentally drinks from that bottle he will get apple juice.

My drum teacher Mr. Tapper says I have the skills to pay the bills and that I’m a good drummer and that my parents don’t like me to practice at home because they like classical music. I asked my dad if he likes classical music and he said no he likes Bob Seeger. I told Mr. Tapper that and he said Bob Seeger is good. He’s going to teach me the song Night Moves for me to play for my dad.

On Monday at soccer practice Coach Miller said I have to throw some elbows and not to be afraid of the ball, and I said I wasn’t afraid of the ball and he said good. Then he told me and Sam and Andrew to stand in a line with our hands over our yankees and to try to block him from kicking the penalty kick, and when he kicked it I blocked it but it hit me in the face and I didn’t play any more and he said I didn’t have to and he gave me fifty cents to buy a coke but I bought a root beer. I asked him if it was okay that I bought a root beer not a coke and he said that was fine and he asked me how my nose felt and I said it stopped bleeding but it still hurt.

Sam got a dog for his birthday and I asked my mom if I could get a dog for my birthday and she said she would think about it so I asked my dad if I could get one and he said I could. I looked on AOL for different kinds of dogs so I could show my dad a picture of which one to get and I found the one I want and I showed it to him and he said I could get it:

I have to write a story for school and so I wrote one about my dog. His name is Rick. This is the story. One day Rick and Andy were walking to Sam’s house to play playstation when they saw a robber wearing a black mask and black clothes robbing Tina Applebaum’s house. They went over to the house and found out that the robbers had also kidnapped Tina so they followed them to their secret hideout in the woods.

At the hideout there were lots of guards so Rick and Andy had to sneak up on them. Rick bit the guards’ necks until they died and then Andy put them in a pit that Rick had dug. Then there were security cameras so Rick distracted them by running around while Andy threw chinese stars at the cameras, destroying the cameras with the chinese stars. Then since it was a long way from the entrance to the hideout to the area where the robbers lived, Andy and Rick took turns carrying each other. Andy rode on Rick’s back for a while while Rick ran as fast as he could, which was 85 miles per hour, then when Rick was tired Andy carried him.

At one part of the cave they had to go through a pitch black part and they couldn’t see anything but they could hear hissing all around. Then Rick said he could smell that they were surrounded by cats that wanted to attack them so Andy started a fire with some matches he remembered he had and sure enough there were 1000 black cats surrounding them. The cats were bigger than normal cats. They were one tenth the size of Rick instead of one fiftieth the size. They had blood on their fangs from the last people who tried to rescue someone who was kidnapped by the robbers and they were hissing and swatting at Andy and Rick.

That’s all I’ve finished. I have to turn it in next Monday after Thanksgiving break. For Thanksgiving we’re going to my grandma’s house in Urbana. Sometimes I like going there and sometimes I don’t. My grandma’s name is Myra. I used to like grandma’s cat Lucy but now Lucy bites you because she’s senile. Grandma makes pound cake that I like and also banana pudding with Nilla Wafers that I like. Dad said that grandma doesn’t respect him and mom said that’s because she tells grandma the things dad does.