ALARMING DISCOVERIES: People Are Crueler Than You Can Possibly Imagine

If you are like most Americans (and ALL members of the W.A.S. community), you are easily and thoroughly offended by vulgarity. Cuss words, it’s fair to say, incense you; when you hear them, your cheeks flush, you involuntarily begin flapping your arms in an understated manner, and you indignantly excuse yourself from the conversation.

We know, we understand, we agree. We’re with you 100%.

That’s why when we discovered that people everywhere — in your office, at your health club, in your home — have been surreptitiously lacing their conversation with obscenities, we knew we had to tell you, and fast.

So yeah, wow, can you believe the nerve of this? People have been sneaking filthy language into everday phrases that they use with you in everyday conversation. They’ve been doing this every day.

Don’t worry, though: W.A.S. is very much to the rescue. We’ve made note of several phrases that folks — hardy, everyday folks — have been corrupting in awful ways in order to clandestinely ship their naughty filth past the various border-checks of your mind. Steel yourself, push past the terrible discomfort, and read these dirty nuggets so that from now on you’ll know when to cover your ears and go “BLAH BLAH YADDA BLAH DA”[sic].

“John, look, inASSmuch as I’ve got the time, I’d like to help, but…” [alt: “inasmuch ASS”]

“This dog? A SHITzu, I think.”

“Okay, now turn the stopCOCK, or you’ll spill all the…”

“FantASStic. That sounds FantASStic.”

“…um, detroit is in miCHICKEN, I think.”

“You can not ASSuage my anxiety with vague promises of a quick death.”

“On that occasion, we put four sails to the wind and DID YOUR MOM, DID HER RIGHT IN THE BUTT.”

“A stuntman? If Jim is a stuntman, I’m Abraham FUCKing Lincoln.”

“This crime scene smells disturbingly like your shit, Detective. I can barely breathe in here… the air is stEIFFELing…”

Somehow, Typing These Phrases Into Google Led People to Our Website

(and although we’re not complaining, we’re now quite worried that something out there has gone horribly, horribly wrong, and you people simply don’t know how to use your intranet):

“the uneducated vote”

“NBC’s friends filming location”.

“to suppress lovemaking.”

“nighties for men and women”

“why does milk have two expiration dates?”

“smallest living mammal”

“scientist with a mullet”

“margaret thatcher’s bio”

“why you should not let age be the determining factor in anything you do”

“excuse me video” [twice]

“disturbing quotes”

“die on your lips”

“fucking good shows”

– okay, that last one does make perfect sense.

A Treasure Trove of Pickup Lines (Part 3)

It has come, the time when the final two sections of The List are published by us. Without any ado whatsoever, then, we give you 40 more pickup lines and our resident Sexpert�s knee-jerk reactions to each. (Don�t even think about reading these without first doing your homework: Part 1, Part 2)

Section IV: Kinky Lines

1. Excuse me, miss, can I have the number to your ass so I can make a booty call?
That is fucking awesome. This one would even work if you simply said, “Excuse me, miss, can I have the number to your ass” Absolutely unstoppable.

2. I know the letters f,c,k,i,n, and g. All I need now is you.
A prototype version of this one went: “Baby, you put the ‘u’ in ‘fucking’.”

3. Girl, if I die, I want to come back as your jeans so I can be on your butt tight and wear your ass out.
“and hold onto your wallet for ya”, girl, cuz I’m good like that.�

4. Girl, I wish I were both of your lips so I can get licked.
“Girl, I wish I were both of your lips so’s I can get licked on da balls, girl! You know what I’m sayin”

5. Excuse me, miss, are you cold?
Response: No, why?
Answer: You should be, you’ve been naked in my mind all night.

Fuckin-A! Another impressive variation on the knock-knock structure!

6. Can I take you out to eat, or do you want me to eat you out?
The great thing about this line is that she�s going to choose one, so either way you win.

7. Do you remember the beer commercial where the guy said, “this Buds for you!”
Response: Yes, why?
Answer: See this bulge in my pants? This bulge’s for You!

Grand. Again with the punctuation. Why the ! at the end of the first question? Are you supposed to shout it? I guess that gets her all excited, just hearing how excited you are about that Bud commercial.

8. Girl, my juice is like an M&M, it melts in your mouth and not in your hands.
Very nice. Not too forward, yet not too wimpy. This is a classy line. I picture Connery’s 007 using this line.

9. Excuse me, miss, I had a wet dream about you last night. Could you help me clean it up?
Another well calibrated masterpiece.

10. Excuse me, miss, I’m taking a survey. Do you spit or swallow.
She’s almost certain to respond: “Allow me to show you, funny man.”

11. Girl, my penis is like a candle on a birthday cake. All you have to do is blow.
Finally. Someone willing to be honest. The ladies love that. His penis is like a candle on a birthday cake.

12. Excuse me, miss, do you sleep on your stomach?
Response: No.
Answer: Can I?

BOOM. Bring in the big guns. I’d fall for this one. I’m all yours, mister.

13. I love that dress, but you know what would really look good on you?
Response: What?
Answer: Me.

Ker-splat. Lame. “I love that dress, but do you know who it would really look good on? Me.”

14. Excuse me, miss, I’m taking a survey. Do you breast-feed?
Response: No.
Answer: Well, would you like me to help you start?

“by impregnating you so’s you’ll start lactatin’ and den when da baby comes you can, like, breast feed it an shit”

“b>15. I wish I was your wash cloth, so I could be all over your body.
�I wish I was your washcloth so I could be all over your body like a washcloth all over the body of a person taking a shower with that selfsame washcloth.”

16. Chocolate ice cream is my favorite flavor. Do you mind if I lick you’re two scoops?
ZAP! Response: Actually, these aren’t made of ice cream.

17. Girl, I love how you have that lollipop in your mouth. Can I take its place?
“You know what I love about you, girl? It’s not your smile or the way you quote freely from Goonies, it’s how you always seem to have that lollipop in your mouth. Always, always, always. Love it, girl. What flavor is that shit anyway? Root beer or somethin”

18. Excuse me, miss, is that dress felt?
Response: No.
Answer: Would you like it to be?

“Excuse me, miss, are you, like, totally fucked right now? No? Would you like to be”

19. Oh baby! I got my saddle and I would love to ride you like a horse riding into the sunset.
“Just as a horse rides himself into the sunset, so would I like to ride you, miss. And yes, I brought a saddle.”

20. Girl, you’re so fine, I’d suck a fart out of your ass.
It has been scientifically proven that no woman can resist the intriguing possibilities that this line presents.

Section V: Lines Women Wish Men Would Use

1. I wish I was one of your tears so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
“I wish I was one of your tears so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die amongst your tittays” works so much better.

2. Your walk, your talk, and the beauty of your smile all combined is like a symphony of loveliness.
“Your walk, your talk, your penchant for rigged bets, all these things is one big symphony of specialness that complements yo’ tittays ever so nicely.”

3. There is only one thing more beautiful than the sun on a cloudy day, and that is you.
“There is only one thing more blinding than staring right at the sun, and that’s ya’ booty, girl.”

4. Your physical beauty is only surpassed by your exquisite personality.
“Your physiological shortcomings are only offset by your exquisite taste in Snapple.”

5. I didn’t believe in love at first sight until I saw you.

6. Just show me the way to your heart, body, and soul, and I’ll follow with no exceptions.
“Show me the way to your heart, body, and mind and I will follow with just one exception: I will not follow.”

7. Excuse me; miss, but I must tell you that your beauty is unfair to all the other women in the world.
“Your beauty is unfair, and so I shall have to mangle you. Out of fairness, you see.”

8. Girl, all I want to do is fill you with the treasure of love and treat you like the true queen that you are.
“Girl, I ask only that you allow me to fill you with the scepter of my love, as is your due given your queenly station.”

9. You’re a beautiful woman trapped in a more beautiful woman’s body.
“with the left hand of a still beautifuller woman and the hat of my mother, the most beautiful and sexually enticing woman there ever was.”

10. If you were a tear in my eye, I would never cry for fear of losing you.
And if you were shit on my ass�

11. I don’t know what your first name is, but I bet your last name is Heaven.
“I bet your first name is Angel-From, girl! You know what I’m sayin? Angel-from!!”

12. Give me your love and Ill give you everything your heart desires.
“I’ll give you everything your heart desires, not to exceed the value of the coins in my left pocket.”

13. You have the face I would like to wake up to every morning.
Snore. “I’d like for you to wake up on my face every morning.”

14. You’ve just been nominated for the most beautiful woman in the world, next to my mother.
Right next to my mother, baby!!! You and my mother, two beautiful, sexually primed young ladies whom I’m just a’dying to fuck!!

15. I would say God bless you, but he already did.
-Did you just sneeze?
-Well, I would say god bless you, but you didn’t sneeze.

16. Hello, sweetheart. Before we go any further, I don�t want anything from you. I just want to give you my heart..
Before we go any further with this thing, with this lovely relationship of ours that seems to be really taking on a life all its own, let me just say that I want nothing from you — [staring deeply into the eyes] — except to give you my heart, girl!!! Ha ha!! Hooray!!!

17. I would like to get more acquainted with you if you would allow me the pleasure of your presence.
What the fuck? What a totally sober come on. This one thrilled the ladies of Victorian England.

18. Hello, beautiful. If you don�t have a boyfriend at this present time, may I please have the honor and talk to you for a minute.
“Hello, most beautiful of lady-women. If you don’t have a male companion of frequency at this, the current time, then may I please please have the honor, fortuity, and fortitude to talk with my mouth, tongue, and larynx to you for, oh, say, sixty or thereabouts seconds”

19. I don�t want anything from you, just your friendship.
“I tell you I want nothing from you. Nothing. Well, friendship maybe. I’d take friendship if it were offered. Oh, and this, this bracelet — that would be nice. And those shoes. Are you using those shoes”

20. I’d rather have you than a million dollars.
Or, if it’s a really hot chick and you really want to get her: “I’d rather have you than two and a half million dollars.”