There’s one big advantage that New Yorkers have over their counterparts living almost anywhere else in the world: resources. The breadth of resources that New Yorkers can access is unparalleled. Art, food, people, buildings, languages, music — all exist in an embarrassing panoply. So surprise is hardly the appropriate reaction to discovering that New York’s Times Square is home to a ready bank of top-shelf pickup lines.
Indeed, a stroll up 7th ave. democratically affords anyone — from the Hasidic virgin to the profligate pimp — access to The List, a collection of 100 varyingly-smoove romantic lines sold by men with fluorescent placards on their chests. Cost: $3. Benefit: Can you really put a price on the kind of sex earned with a dirty come-on? No; this is the real deal — the mammalian fuck-making invented by lions (and perfected by Colin Farrel).
At WAS HQ, we care about very few things, but one thing we really do care about is that each of you, our tragically mortal fans, should be able to experience the ferocious sex of the great cats. So we�ve reprinted The List here, along with annotations by our resident Sexpert, Sam DiClaremont, who has never been much good with picking up girls, and is therefore maybe a little bitter and dismissive of the whole pickup line “thing”, but in the end Sam knows his stuff, and he�ll help you cull the potent from the slap-inducers.
The rest is up to you!
[FYI, The List is divided into 5 sections: Funny Lines, Sweet Lines, Joke Lines, Kinky Lines, and Lines Women Wish Men Would Use. They�re all so pregnant with possibility, it�s a little amazing. We�ll get all five sections to you over the course of this week, starting with two today. Oh, and at the bottom of each page is printed the following: �To place an order, call 917-915-0469 or E-mail us at Creative_Minds_Inc@Yahoo.com today!� So presumably you can contact them and order more, uh, magic, we guess � not really sure what they�re selling. And note that we’ve retained all of The List’s spelling/grammatical questionables for authenticity/indie-rock chic.]
Section I: Funny Lines
1. Girl, I’m like Dominos pizza. if you don’t come in 30 minutes, the next one is free!
I like this one. The fact that it is so semantically and logically flawed screams “carefree spirit.” I would imagine that this is a very successful line.
2. Hey girl, why don�t you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up!
Nice. Suggestive without going too far. You can�t be sure that he�s offering you sex, but it seems like he might be.
3. Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants!
Not bad, but I prefer the variation, “Damn those pants is shiny! I can practically see myself in your pants, girl! Shinypants!”
4. The word of the day is legs. Let’s go back to my place and spread the word!
Okay, but I think you’d clearly not want to go with their punctuation. Do you really want to shout “Let’s go back to my place and spread the word!”, as their exclamation point implies? I tend to think something like that needs to be delivered suavely, calmly, with an elbow leaning on the bar, followed closely by the gentle sipping of your beer.
5. Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Ho ho! You may have to walk by again!
6. Excuse me; don’t you recognize me with clothes on?
A nice tactic. You’re trying to convince the person that the two of you are already in an intimate relationship together. The implication: why not go ahead and continue with the carnal pursuits that have characterized our last few years together?
7. As long as I have a face, you’ll always have a place to sit.
Great! Where can I hang my coat?
8. Excuse me, miss, do you have any African in you?
Answer: Would you like some?
I actually have used this line before and it has worked well.
9. Haven’t I seen you in my dreams?
“Huh huh, huh huh, duuuuh� wait, haven’t I seen you in my dreams” This one feels like confusion to me. I guess it’s all in the delivery.
10. Girl, let�s have a party and invite your pants to come down.
This is genius. I fucking love this line. I would go with “Girl, let’s have a party and invite your pants to come on down,” but otherwise this line is airtight.
11. Can I give you a ride home? I’ve got two tokens.
That is definitely a very funny line.
12. If I can’t have you in this life, can I have you in the next?
“Can I have you in the next life? If so I’ll speed us both along to that next plane of existence with this automatic pistol.” Why is this classified as a funny line? There’s no joke here.
13. Hi, I’m new in town, could you give me directions to your apartment?
Hot. What about, “I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your heart?” or, if you’re feeling frisky, “down your pants?”
14. Hey girl, tell me where you’re going to be, so I can be there too.
Fucking stupid. “Tell me where you’re going to be so I can be there too! Tell me where you’re going to be so I can be there too!!!�” This line is menacing. I picture a guy up in a tree chanting this at the top of his lungs.
15. Sweetheart, I’m a little low on cash, can I put you on layaway?
“Um, sure, I guess.” What does that mean if she agrees? Does that mean that as soon as you can get some money together, the two of you will go out? Not a very romantic notion.
16. Excuse me, miss, do you have a minute?
Answer: Well, you can borrow one of mine.
Awwwwww� awwwwwww�it’s this sort of heart-melting consideration for the other party that very regularly gets guys laid.
17. Excuse me, miss, do you have a man?
Answer: How long have you had that problem?
Toasted! Although, as someone hoping to become her man, isn’t it sort of illogical to characterize having a man as a problem?
18. Now that we’ve met, I bet you’ll have some good dreams tonight.
This one’s all in the simpleton wording.
19. Excuse me, miss, you dropped something.
Response: What did I drop?
Answer: My phone number!
A ploy that never fails. To get her in bed even faster, consider answering, “Deez NUTS!”
20. Excuse me, miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
Sweet, sweet, sweet! Yes! I love it! Yes, you can borrow my phone number since you lost yours! Better yet, let’s go to bed!
Section II: Sweet Lines
1. You are the second most beautiful woman in the world, next to my mother.
What the fuck? Does a girl really want to hear that? “Baby, you are very pretty, but my mother� ooohhhh my mother, I�oooohh�“
2. Excuse me; miss, do you mind if I give you this rose? I just want to show it how beautiful you are.
I love it. Go with it. If you’re crazy enough to pull it off, then yeah, do it. “Meet my rose, Germain, girl. Germain? Can you say hello to the pretty lady? Girl, Germain wants you to take your shirt of�would you mind doing that for him please”
3. If I was father time, I would make time stand still so I could admire your beauty.
“If I was father time, I would make time stand still in a timely manner so I could admire your beauty time and time again.”
4. I’m sorry for staring at you; I’ve never seen an angel up close before.
“But I have now, girl. Goddamn, I have now� Awwww, yes, I have now�damn’goddamn you got a fine ass, girl � angels got tha foin asses it turns out!! Ha HA!!”
5. If I had the power to rearrange the order of the alphabets, I would put U and I together.
I like that “alphabets” is plural. This guy is dedicated. He needs all the alphabets rearranged. First, he needs the letters “i” and “u” added to all the non-roman alphabets of the world, then, through careful lobbying of the relevant governing bodies, he�s going to get those two letter put right next to each other in the official alphabetical order. Dedication is sexy.
6. Girl, if I could hold you in my arms, I would know what it’s like to hold perfection.
“I would know what it’s like to hold a perfect ass, and have perfect breasts pressed against my chesticles.”
7. Excuse me, I seemed to be lost, can you give me directions?
Response: Where do you need to go?
Answer: I need to find the quickest way to your heart.
“I seemed to be lost.”
“But you’re okay now? You know where you’re going”
�Oh, yeah. Yeah, I�m fine. Thanks for your bootylicious concern.�
8. I wish God could give me another heart so I could fall in love with you twice.
Yes, yes, yes. No woman can resist this.
9. You’re hope, I’m less. Without you I’m hopeless.
Wouldn’t it be with you that I’m hopeless?
10. GOD gave the world light so I could see how beautiful you are.
Do they put GOD in all caps because you’re supposed to really emphasize it? “GOD!! gave the world light so I could see how beautiful you are.”
11. I would commit robbery if it meant I could steal your heart.
So, you would go rob a liquor store or something if it would cause me to fall in love with you? Why, that might be just the thing…
12. If falling in love with you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
“If falling in love with you is wrong, lock me in jail and throw away da mudda fuckin KEY, girl!! ” A classic for good reason. It’s interesting that the “Creative Minds, Inc” are claiming that they made this up; that seems dubious.
13. I don’t know what’s more beautiful in the morning. Watching the sunrise or looking into your eyes.
“I honestly don’t know, girl. I just absolutely love to get up in the morning and watch the sunrise — I love it — but on the other hand there’s also the fact that I do enjoy looking at your eyes, expecially when you naked. And I guess it’s a three-way tie, cuz I also very much dig looking at your tittays.”
14. Excuse me, miss, where are they?
Response: Where are what?
Answer: Your wings, I know an angel when I see one.
BLAAM! “I know an angel when I see one; will you go to the middle-school formal with me”
15. Excuse me, miss, do you have a quarter? I promised I would call my mother as soon as I fell in love.
“An� I just fell in love, girl — [long pause accompanied by deep staring into the eyes] — wit’ YOU, girl!!! Pladow!! Bam! Bam! BAM! Yes, girl! Yes, it’s true: we are to be married!! Ha ha!! Good news, girl, good news!! Bing, bang, boom!!”
16. If GOD made anything more beautiful than you, I hope he kept it for himself.
“I hope he did, baby, cuz God deserves something nice. The only person deserves somethin nice more than God, well that would be my mother, girl.” And there’s the all-caps GOD again; perhaps it’s an acronym? “Girl, allow me to introduce you to my deity: Goat of Dominion. Call him GOD; he fancies it.”
17. Excuse me, miss, there must be a thief somewhere, because someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
“Excuse me, miss, ALERT! ALERT! There’s a fuckin thief! [this one goes better if you really play it up] A fuckin� THIEF, miss!! HIDE! HIDE! HIDE YA�SELF!! WHAT�D HE STEAL, MISS? YOU ASKIN ME WHAT DID HE STEAL, GIRL? He stole the stars from the sky and put ’em in your eyes, girl, ha ha! Damn! Hit me wit’ them digits, girl.”
18. God must be lonely today, because one of his angels is missing from heaven.
I�m yours. Remove my clothes at your leisure.
19. If I were a poet, my words alone could not describe your exquisite beauty.
“I would require, girl, in addition to my words: paste, construction paper, bottle caps, Jenga, some wet-wipes, a travel alarm clock, a clean t-shirt, and a small box of jimmy-hats, girl”
20. All the lights in the sky can’t compete with the sunshine you bring into my life.
All those mysterious, inexplicable lights in the sky.