Hey, is that a new

Hey, is that a new haircut? Did you get your HAIR CUT???!? Oh. It looked sort of different from here. Do you always wear it like that, or…? Oh.
So, kittens, the big news, nearly a week and a half old at this point, is that we are back from the Hot Aural Action tour, and boy-holy-shit was it hot. What a good tour it was! We will get you the all-important web pics and the jokes and happenings from that trip soon. SOON! That’s a promise!
There really is no other news, no “small” news or anything. Keep up the good work, everybody. As a reward for your steely resolve in these troubling times, here are 24 things for you to think about, each of which will give you a little lift — who can’t use a little lift during their day? Read each one and really take a moment to think about what you’re reading:
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. A special glance.
5. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
6. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
7. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
8. A Chocolate milkshake (or vanilla!) (or strawberry).
9. A long-distance phone call.
10. A bubble bath.
11. A good conversation.
12. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
13. Laughing at yourself.
14. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
15. Running through sprinklers.
16. Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful.
18. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
19. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
20. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
21. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
22. Playing with a new puppy.
23. Driving your car off a pier.
24. Lighting a cat on fire.

A Treasure Trove of Pickup Lines (Part 2)

And now, the third quintile of Creative Minds, Inc.’s 100 Best Pickup Lines, critiqued, annotated, discussed in a scientific and methodological way by Sam DiClaremont, WAS’s in-house Sexpert. (You have no business reading this unless you’ve already read Part 1.)
Section III: Joke Lines

1. Is that your ass or does your back have the mumps?
What the fuck does that mean?

2. Damn, girl, are those your breasts, or do you have two midgets under your shirt?
“Are those your breasts, or do you have two cats curled up on your chest, girl?!”

3. Girl, your ass is so big, when you walk, it looks like your ankles are going to break.
Is this really a pick-up line? Isn’t it maybe just a straight insult?

4. Baby, you must be tired, because you�ve been running naked through my mind all day.
“Although I’m quite tired, too, cuz I’ve been chasing after you the whole time, and I’ve been carrying a chainsaw.”

5. Excuse me, miss, are you here alone, or is the huge guy coming this way your brother?
Huh? I�m pretty sure Creative Minds, Inc., did come up with this one on their own.

6. Can the three of us get together this weekend?
Response: The three of who?
Answer: You, my penis, and me!

“Why, you and me, girl, that’s two, and uh� well—oh, and my penis, girl! Don�t forget my penis! That’s three!”

7. Excuse me, miss, you dropped something.
Response: What?
Answer: Our conversation. Let’s pick it up from here.

I imagine this is the way a CIA operative approaches someone on a college campus to recruit him/her for the agency or something. Delivered really menacingly. “Our conversation. Let’s pick it up from here. Don’t bother turning around or trying to run. You’ll be gunned down before those cats on your chest can say ‘meow’. You work for us now.”

8. You know, I’ve been watching you not watching me.
“and it’s pissing me off.”

9. Excuse me, is your last name Campbell, because you look “um, um, good”.
You mean mm, mmm, good? “You look um that is you, uh um��

10. Hi, my name is _____. Don’t forget it, because you’ll be screaming it later tonight.
Another serial killer line. This is just incredibly intimidating. There’s nothing romantic about it. “Screaming later tonight’ sounds like it should be accented by the ring of a steel blade being pulled from its sheath.

11. Excuse me, miss, are you too tall for a short conversation?
“Excuse me miss, are you too smart to be fooled by bullshit”

12. Girl, your jeans are too loose, do you need me to fill them in for you.
“Allow me to buy you a chili-dog, girl! And a sheet cake or two!!”

13. Excuse me, miss, would you like to go with me to the movies? I have a great video at home.
Could you repeat that please, because I have no idea what you’re asking me. Are those two separate things you’re talking about? Or maybe at home you have a great video which explains how to go to the movies? Like a “how to” video?

14. Excuse me, miss, you dropped this back there.
Response: Back where?
Answer: My bedroom.

So, this one requires a prop, I guess. You have to decide what you’re going to claim was left back in your bedroom. I think the classy thing would be to hold up a nice cocktail or something, but maybe for verisimilitude an old bra or a hairnet or a condom wrapper would work better.

15. Girl, you look exactly like my second wife, and I married only once.
So� who do I look like then? Confusing. I think the best pick-up lines are really less clever and more an emotive suggestion. “BAM, baby!! WHATANASS!! Yahaaa!” That’s my kind of line.

16. Baby, the way I make love is like a drug: one dose of me and you’re hooked.
Don’t cats have little barbs on their penises? at least male cats? Is that what this is referring to?

17. Excuse me, miss, but is your husband married?
I don’t think this sounds like a pick-up line. More like a logic game or something. A real turn-off.

18. Girl, you look good and I look good, so why don’t we get together and see if it feels good!
Nice. and see if it feeeeeeeeeeels good, baby!

19. Girl, give me your number or I’ll kill myself.
Jesus christ. Suicidal desperation: I like it. It’s just crazy enough to work.

20. Excuse me, are those Bugle boy jeans you’re wearing?
“Excuse me, I like the Sprite in you.” The fellas over at Creative Minds, Inc., were laughing almost too hard to type when they wrote this one. “Bugle Boy jeans!!! Ho ho!! Like in the commercial!!”

A Treasure Trove of Pickup Lines (Part 1)

There’s one big advantage that New Yorkers have over their counterparts living almost anywhere else in the world: resources. The breadth of resources that New Yorkers can access is unparalleled. Art, food, people, buildings, languages, music — all exist in an embarrassing panoply. So surprise is hardly the appropriate reaction to discovering that New York’s Times Square is home to a ready bank of top-shelf pickup lines.

Indeed, a stroll up 7th ave. democratically affords anyone — from the Hasidic virgin to the profligate pimp — access to The List, a collection of 100 varyingly-smoove romantic lines sold by men with fluorescent placards on their chests. Cost: $3. Benefit: Can you really put a price on the kind of sex earned with a dirty come-on? No; this is the real deal — the mammalian fuck-making invented by lions (and perfected by Colin Farrel).
At WAS HQ, we care about very few things, but one thing we really do care about is that each of you, our tragically mortal fans, should be able to experience the ferocious sex of the great cats. So we�ve reprinted The List here, along with annotations by our resident Sexpert, Sam DiClaremont, who has never been much good with picking up girls, and is therefore maybe a little bitter and dismissive of the whole pickup line “thing”, but in the end Sam knows his stuff, and he�ll help you cull the potent from the slap-inducers.
The rest is up to you!
[FYI, The List is divided into 5 sections: Funny Lines, Sweet Lines, Joke Lines, Kinky Lines, and Lines Women Wish Men Would Use. They�re all so pregnant with possibility, it�s a little amazing. We�ll get all five sections to you over the course of this week, starting with two today. Oh, and at the bottom of each page is printed the following: �To place an order, call 917-915-0469 or E-mail us at Creative_Minds_Inc@Yahoo.com today!� So presumably you can contact them and order more, uh, magic, we guess � not really sure what they�re selling. And note that we’ve retained all of The List’s spelling/grammatical questionables for authenticity/indie-rock chic.]
Section I: Funny Lines

1. Girl, I’m like Dominos pizza. if you don’t come in 30 minutes, the next one is free!
I like this one. The fact that it is so semantically and logically flawed screams “carefree spirit.” I would imagine that this is a very successful line.
2. Hey girl, why don�t you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up!
Nice. Suggestive without going too far. You can�t be sure that he�s offering you sex, but it seems like he might be.

3. Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants!
Not bad, but I prefer the variation, “Damn those pants is shiny! I can practically see myself in your pants, girl! Shinypants!”

4. The word of the day is legs. Let’s go back to my place and spread the word!
Okay, but I think you’d clearly not want to go with their punctuation. Do you really want to shout “Let’s go back to my place and spread the word!”, as their exclamation point implies? I tend to think something like that needs to be delivered suavely, calmly, with an elbow leaning on the bar, followed closely by the gentle sipping of your beer.
5. Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Ho ho! You may have to walk by again!

6. Excuse me; don’t you recognize me with clothes on?
A nice tactic. You’re trying to convince the person that the two of you are already in an intimate relationship together. The implication: why not go ahead and continue with the carnal pursuits that have characterized our last few years together?

7. As long as I have a face, you’ll always have a place to sit.
Great! Where can I hang my coat?

8. Excuse me, miss, do you have any African in you?
Response: No
Answer: Would you like some?

I actually have used this line before and it has worked well.

9. Haven’t I seen you in my dreams?
“Huh huh, huh huh, duuuuh� wait, haven’t I seen you in my dreams” This one feels like confusion to me. I guess it’s all in the delivery.
10. Girl, let�s have a party and invite your pants to come down.
This is genius. I fucking love this line. I would go with “Girl, let’s have a party and invite your pants to come on down,” but otherwise this line is airtight.

11. Can I give you a ride home? I’ve got two tokens.
That is definitely a very funny line.

12. If I can’t have you in this life, can I have you in the next?
“Can I have you in the next life? If so I’ll speed us both along to that next plane of existence with this automatic pistol.” Why is this classified as a funny line? There’s no joke here.

13. Hi, I’m new in town, could you give me directions to your apartment?
Hot. What about, “I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your heart?” or, if you’re feeling frisky, “down your pants?”

14. Hey girl, tell me where you’re going to be, so I can be there too.
Fucking stupid. “Tell me where you’re going to be so I can be there too! Tell me where you’re going to be so I can be there too!!!�” This line is menacing. I picture a guy up in a tree chanting this at the top of his lungs.

15. Sweetheart, I’m a little low on cash, can I put you on layaway?
“Um, sure, I guess.” What does that mean if she agrees? Does that mean that as soon as you can get some money together, the two of you will go out? Not a very romantic notion.

16. Excuse me, miss, do you have a minute?
Response: No
Answer: Well, you can borrow one of mine.

Awwwwww� awwwwwww�it’s this sort of heart-melting consideration for the other party that very regularly gets guys laid.

17. Excuse me, miss, do you have a man?
Response: Yes
Answer: How long have you had that problem?

Toasted! Although, as someone hoping to become her man, isn’t it sort of illogical to characterize having a man as a problem?

18. Now that we’ve met, I bet you’ll have some good dreams tonight.
This one’s all in the simpleton wording.

19. Excuse me, miss, you dropped something.
Response: What did I drop?
Answer: My phone number!

A ploy that never fails. To get her in bed even faster, consider answering, “Deez NUTS!”

20. Excuse me, miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
Sweet, sweet, sweet! Yes! I love it! Yes, you can borrow my phone number since you lost yours! Better yet, let’s go to bed!

Section II: Sweet Lines

1. You are the second most beautiful woman in the world, next to my mother.
What the fuck? Does a girl really want to hear that? “Baby, you are very pretty, but my mother� ooohhhh my mother, I�oooohh�

2. Excuse me; miss, do you mind if I give you this rose? I just want to show it how beautiful you are.
I love it. Go with it. If you’re crazy enough to pull it off, then yeah, do it. “Meet my rose, Germain, girl. Germain? Can you say hello to the pretty lady? Girl, Germain wants you to take your shirt of�would you mind doing that for him please”

3. If I was father time, I would make time stand still so I could admire your beauty.
“If I was father time, I would make time stand still in a timely manner so I could admire your beauty time and time again.”

4. I’m sorry for staring at you; I’ve never seen an angel up close before.
“But I have now, girl. Goddamn, I have now� Awwww, yes, I have now�damn’goddamn you got a fine ass, girl � angels got tha foin asses it turns out!! Ha HA!!”

5. If I had the power to rearrange the order of the alphabets, I would put U and I together.
I like that “alphabets” is plural. This guy is dedicated. He needs all the alphabets rearranged. First, he needs the letters “i” and “u” added to all the non-roman alphabets of the world, then, through careful lobbying of the relevant governing bodies, he�s going to get those two letter put right next to each other in the official alphabetical order. Dedication is sexy.

6. Girl, if I could hold you in my arms, I would know what it’s like to hold perfection.
“I would know what it’s like to hold a perfect ass, and have perfect breasts pressed against my chesticles.”

7. Excuse me, I seemed to be lost, can you give me directions?
Response: Where do you need to go?
Answer: I need to find the quickest way to your heart.

“I seemed to be lost.”
“But you’re okay now? You know where you’re going”
�Oh, yeah. Yeah, I�m fine. Thanks for your bootylicious concern.�

8. I wish God could give me another heart so I could fall in love with you twice.
Yes, yes, yes. No woman can resist this.

9. You’re hope, I’m less. Without you I’m hopeless.
Wouldn’t it be with you that I’m hopeless?

10. GOD gave the world light so I could see how beautiful you are.
Do they put GOD in all caps because you’re supposed to really emphasize it? “GOD!! gave the world light so I could see how beautiful you are.”

11. I would commit robbery if it meant I could steal your heart.
So, you would go rob a liquor store or something if it would cause me to fall in love with you? Why, that might be just the thing…

12. If falling in love with you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
“If falling in love with you is wrong, lock me in jail and throw away da mudda fuckin KEY, girl!! ” A classic for good reason. It’s interesting that the “Creative Minds, Inc” are claiming that they made this up; that seems dubious.

13. I don’t know what’s more beautiful in the morning. Watching the sunrise or looking into your eyes.
“I honestly don’t know, girl. I just absolutely love to get up in the morning and watch the sunrise — I love it — but on the other hand there’s also the fact that I do enjoy looking at your eyes, expecially when you naked. And I guess it’s a three-way tie, cuz I also very much dig looking at your tittays.”

14. Excuse me, miss, where are they?
Response: Where are what?
Answer: Your wings, I know an angel when I see one.

BLAAM! “I know an angel when I see one; will you go to the middle-school formal with me”

15. Excuse me, miss, do you have a quarter? I promised I would call my mother as soon as I fell in love.
“An� I just fell in love, girl — [long pause accompanied by deep staring into the eyes] — wit’ YOU, girl!!! Pladow!! Bam! Bam! BAM! Yes, girl! Yes, it’s true: we are to be married!! Ha ha!! Good news, girl, good news!! Bing, bang, boom!!”

16. If GOD made anything more beautiful than you, I hope he kept it for himself.
“I hope he did, baby, cuz God deserves something nice. The only person deserves somethin nice more than God, well that would be my mother, girl.” And there’s the all-caps GOD again; perhaps it’s an acronym? “Girl, allow me to introduce you to my deity: Goat of Dominion. Call him GOD; he fancies it.”

17. Excuse me, miss, there must be a thief somewhere, because someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
“Excuse me, miss, ALERT! ALERT! There’s a fuckin thief! [this one goes better if you really play it up] A fuckin� THIEF, miss!! HIDE! HIDE! HIDE YA�SELF!! WHAT�D HE STEAL, MISS? YOU ASKIN ME WHAT DID HE STEAL, GIRL? He stole the stars from the sky and put ’em in your eyes, girl, ha ha! Damn! Hit me wit’ them digits, girl.”

18. God must be lonely today, because one of his angels is missing from heaven.
I�m yours. Remove my clothes at your leisure.

19. If I were a poet, my words alone could not describe your exquisite beauty.
“I would require, girl, in addition to my words: paste, construction paper, bottle caps, Jenga, some wet-wipes, a travel alarm clock, a clean t-shirt, and a small box of jimmy-hats, girl”

20. All the lights in the sky can’t compete with the sunshine you bring into my life.
All those mysterious, inexplicable lights in the sky.

Letter to Kraft

Leah

hey kids, i just woke up from an awfully bizzare (yet i believe somewhat telling) dream about you all. so it started out that we were in california and were heading back to the east coast. well intersetingly enough we were all on the same flight into BWI. well it ended up that chris never made it on the plane but keith and michael did. and i felt somehow responsible for this, but keith kept reassuring me that it was solely the fault of an old lady who had way too many bags. the plane ride started innocently enough, the three of us talking,�perhaps about keith’s�nappy mullet like hair extension. and then they landed the plane on the side of a mountain because some people were being roudy and the flight attendant was all “we’re not going to start this plane again till all of you settle down”. so everyone went back to their seats but when the plane started again a few guys got up and started fighting and somehow everyone knew it would end up�escalating to�guns and bloodshed so they landed the plane again and in chaos and panic instructed people to leave through the emergency exits. of course i assumed i was all alone from this point on, every man for himself type of thing, but keith grabbed my arm and together we all escaped.

sounds like a good ending, but there’s more. so we hopped a plane to thailand.�after a very awful and bumpy ride (we were flying so low we were next to the cars on the freeway) we ended up in thailand where there was a homeless begger and keith instructed me to give�the thai woman�a dollar because he only had a five. so i did. and then i woke up.

any suggestions about what this might mean?� by the way, rockin’ show at the grove house. i’ll definitely see you when i’m back on the east coast.
fondly, leah
Leah,
Telling, indeed. We think it’s safe to say that this dream represents an unwillingness on your part to face up to a harsh reality you’re currently dealing with — possibly disease has put a crippling wrench in your plans to hike the Appalachian trail; or your dog has died and you can’t quite bring yourself to stop playing frisbee with him. There is obviously something that your consciousness is having an awful time coming to grips with, and the turmoil has manifested itself in this escapist fantasy. Let’s do a blow-by-blow.
First of all, Chris loves few things more than plowing through old ladies in the manner popularized by offensive linesmen. So much the better if they’re huffing around a bunch of bags, because this produces a nice bowling-pin effect — bags everywhere, contents of bags everywhere: dried flowers, lipstick, chocolates, pewter jewelry, napkins, fossil molds, candle holders, origami swans. All over the floor. Fake teeth splashing across the floor like ivory skittles. Verily, the notion that an old lady laden with bags would be an obstacle to Chris (and not a target) is absurd. It’s absurdist, really.
Next: Keith’s nappy mullet-like hair extensions? That’s just… that’s just ridiculous! Who…who told you Keith has hair extensions? I mean… did someone actually tell you that, or or or, uh, or was that just you being, y’know, uh, fanciful. Or what. Okay so but not that it matters! At all, uh… cuz, yeah, the point is that obviously — OBVIOUSLY — Keith doesn’t have hair extensions! Or hair plugs, mind us. Let us emphasize that: Keith doesn’t have hair plugs. Nor has he ever had them.
Moving on! Planes do not land on the sides of mountains when people are rowdy! How many times will we have to make that point on this web-page before people get it? PLANES DO NOT LAND ON THE SIDES OF MOUNTAINS WHEN PEOPLE ARE ROWDY! That would be way too dangerous to even attempt! The fact is, the only way a pilot would ever attempt to set a commercial jet-liner down on the side of a mountain would be if everyone on board were being just totally calm and well-behaved. Not only does it require intense concentration to pull off such a landing, but also, landing on a mountainside is a reward, you follow? As in, for top-shelf behavior only. A pilot would no more do a mountainside landing for a rowdy passenger than one would hand over some nice fresh poison to a misbehaving rat.
Finally, your fevered reverie ends with a scene that flies in the face of reality with a carelessness that makes the rest of the dream seem downright plausible: Keith tells you to donate a buck to a homelss thai woman? The idea that Keith would give or cause to be given to a beggar some measure of comfort — whether monetary, culinary, or even verbal… wow… that’s, like, an insult to the assumption that the universe is anything more ordered than a haphazard collection of random actions dictated by some totally chaotic anti-will. An anecdote: during our recent tour, we stopped over in San Francisco, where, while strolling the lovely, spring-scented streets, Keith was approached by an old homeless fellow who asked for a nickel toward buying a sandwich. Keith silently walked past, and minutes later related to Michael and Chris that he had refrained from gushing vitriol at this “filthy urchin” only because he had feared that opening his mouth would result in his stomach unleashing its recently consumed contents, so horrified had he been by “the demon’s unforgivable trespass.” Michael and Chris sort of grudgingly agreed that to vomit in public like that would have been unfortunate and embarrassing, to which Keith replied that he didn’t give “two homeless kids” if people saw him throw up; what would really upset him is if “the knave” had got at his lunch. Michael and Chris had to ask for repeated clarification, but they finally came to realize that, indeed, Keith had felt that unfurling his lunch would be tantamount to offering the beggar food, a possibility which Keith abhorred even more than withholding verbal abuse.
And so, Leah, your subconscious mind has woven this intricate tapestry of lies. But it’s crucial to note that they are obvious lies. Everybody knows Chris loves to trundle the elderly; everybody knows mountainside landing is a privilege, not a punishment; and certainly everyone knows that Keith hates the homeless more even than he does French film. And why is your subconscious doing this fabricating? Why is it allowing itself to be caught red-handed? Because it wants you to know that it knows; it knows about how you’re failing to face that difficult reality (dead dog, no trail hike, not going to law-school, etc.), and it is doing it’s best to shame you into being a bit braver with things.
We hope we’ve helped, Leah. We know we’re right; we just hope you’re ready to hear the truth. The awful truth.
gaily,
WAS

FRESH JIVE

WAS is regularly in receipt of requests for a new lingo, a new way of speaking. A typical enquiry: “Dear WAS, none of my friends talk as cool as you, and neither do I; won’t you be so kind as to invent a lexicon we can use to communicate with each other and the greater community? There is nothing in this for you, save an altruist’s warm satisfaction and the bodies and minds of my generation.”

Your pleas have found a warm reception, for we are very arrogant and like the idea of shaping America’s most beautiful minds, who spend their nights obediently nudging our hit-counter. Forthwith, the first descriptions of what will eventually grow to be a comprehensive vernacular, used with equal facility by senators and sailors, 6 year-olds and street vermin. We’ll begin today with common terms useful in everyday conversation.

Snarf – to steal and eat, to eat without permission. E.g.: “I hope you don’t mind my snarfing your nuts, your peanuts.” “I was saving them for my dying sister.” “I see.” Those comfortable using language figuratively may do so with “snarf” by invoking its alternate meaning, Unauthorized Adoption of Another’s Mannerisms or Idiosyncracies, as in, “Man, that guy totally snarfed that other guy’s steez.” “Yes. Yes he did.” “Right?” “Yes. I already said yes.”

Pellets – food. E.g.: “You don’t have any pellets, do you? I’m starving.” “Yes, you must quite literally be starving! I mean, you’ve just been rescued after 8 days of wandering through these woods without food or map, you having lost your way at the National Park’s entrance during what was intended to be a day-hike. So yes, of course, have these pellets here for now, and then when the helicopter touches down in civilization, me and the boys’ll take you out for some of the best Italian pellets you’ll ever eat at this place I know.” “Thank you.”

Water head – a stupid person, imbecile. E.g.: “Oh MAN, you’re an idiot! Good God!! Let me feel of your head … let me hold it in my hands and sort of heft it … okay, relax your neck so I can heft it and get a feel for what it weighs … Yeah, see? It’s actually normal head-weight, and yet you are so stupid that we can rule out the possibility of there being brains in there, even pig brains, so I’m guessing what you’ve got is basically a water jug up there on top of your neck. You water brain.” “Doctor, that child suffers from hydrocephalus — he was quite literally born without a brain. I think you owe the family an apology. They are on the other side of that two-way mirror.” “Yes. Yes, of course. Pardon me. It’s just that he couldn’t answer even the simplest questions correctly.” “Or at all, I should imagine. His head is full of water.” “Then my diagnosis was correct and I’m not sure I see the problem. Good day.”

Traditionalist – one who prefers a good old-fashioned hanging to modern entertainments. E.g.: “Stan, buddy, a couple of us are going to get together and drive over to the mall and see a movie in the theaters there. You in?” “No man, no. I’m a bit of a traditionalist, I guess.” “Well, I don’t think they really do that anymore, dude. Maybe in third world countries or something.” “Then I’ll accompany you to the movies. Is Dog Soldiers on?” “Yes, dude. It’s what we’re going to see.” “Great. Let’s go. The sooner we begin watching Dog Soldiers the better.”

Achingly beautiful – sad, pathetic, na�ve. E.g.: “Look, I guess … sniffle sniffle … I guess I just thought that if we worked at it, if we stuck to our commitment to each other over everything else …sob … that … that what we’d end up with would be more valuable than anything we might have given up to be with each other … sniffle sniffle …” “Wow. That is just achingly beautiful.”

Dog Soldier – one of a group of werewolves who operate within a military command structure/hierarchy. E.g.: “[voice quavering] All I know is… sob… it’s like they were working t-t-together, y’know? These… these wolves were organized, Sir, I mean… they anticipated us…” “Okay, now just slow down, son. You’re telling this committee that 119 soldiers — your entire platoon — were wiped out by a pack of wolves? That these wolves were, were somehow organized?” “With all due respect, General, your man’s telling the truth. We’ve seen this before. In the Balkans. A unit of Dog Soldiers wiped out my entire regiment. More like three regiments, actually. In like an hour.” “Wait wait wait, hold on … Daw-…Dog Soldiers?” “It’s what their jackets say, General. Their leather jackets. Like biker jackets. Say ‘Dog Soldiers’ on the back. Very cool.” “Sounds it.”

Hasbro, Hasbuddy – Friend, pal. E.g.: “Hey! What’s up, hasbro?” “Ho ho ho! What Is UP, hasbuddy!!?”

HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY!!!

HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY!!! What did you EXPECT??? We’re on tour for chrissakes!! Of course there’ve been no updates!!! But we’ve stolen a moment at the terminal to say hello and reassure you that all is well and tell you that we are still in love with you, only you, you exclusively. This page will of course feature entire volumes of tour information come next week, when we’re back behind our desks and are once again being paid by an ad agency, bank, and film co. to update the band website — until then may we proffer the following succulent morsels to keep you interested? Yes, we may:

– All shows have gone very well, but CalTech had the dubious honor of hosting our sole acoustic outing thus far. Go here for pics courtesy of CalTech’s own Dorota Korta.

– For those of you considering placing an order with our merch page… well, first of all, congratulations! Smart!!! But also, let us give you the bad news that we are at the end of an era when it comes to much of this merchandise. Bitching!, for example — that ultra-hot, snapping-mad e.p.– is now officially sold out! ARRRGGGHH!! God, why do the good guys always have to die!?! Probably this e.p. will not be available again. Tears, tears, tears. Also, look closely at the available shirt sizes, cuz we’ve run out of a couple of them. If it says we’re sold out of your size, check back next week; we will have to take stock upon return to NYC in order to give you an accurate picture of our holdings.

– And holy heck! Holy fucking heck! We have The Bottom of the Hill show tonight in SF!! We have Creamy Brandon C’s tomorrow night in Portland! We have the Sunset Tavern in Seattle on Saturday!! Get out to these shows and let us unleash our shock and awe campaign all over you and your friends!!

So, here, then, are the

So, here, then, are the dates for the mid-April, West Coast HOT AURAL ACTION tour. Well, not here, no, but on the “shows” page, yes. So why don’t you trot on over there and take a gander. Allow your eyes to be seared by the brilliance of so taut a collection of dates. People out East may wish to move to CA, and soon.
also:
BIG NEWS!!! And this ties in with our post of several days ago regarding our New Look. Check it out: we think these guys might be brothers (!!) …

And holy shit! Check these guys out! Quintuplets, and all musicians…