A-holes: we spent the weekend

A-holes: we spent the weekend in the studio recording; we did this for you, so stop complaining about the fact that we stood you up on that lunch date Saturday, or that dinner date Sunday, or that meet-n-greet Sunday afternoon, or that meet-n-greet on Saturday afternoon or evening, or whatever particular appointment/romantic getaway we had scheduled with you and then missed. We did it for you, this recording! You personally! So take a different tack! Take the one known as Gratitude! Run with it! Head straight for the End Zone with Gratitude!
But look, though, it’s not like we don’t feel a little rotten about standing you up. We’re not exactly despondent but we do feel a little rotten, so here’re some of what you and your generation love more than drugs and sex with models: web pics. Forthwith:


Chris and Destro were the first to arrive at the studio; they quickly set about laying down the bass tracks for the extremely hip new album.


Twenty minutes later, bass recording for the album completely finished, Chris took a seat, and so did Destro; that’s Destro’s leg in the bottom of the frame; even Destro wears All-Stars.


Destro went ahead and set up the drums; the ones that would be played on the white-hot new WAS album, as yet untitled. He put that white tape square on the snare drum to act as a landing pad for his small helicopter, but then he dropped the drum-sticks in the landing area and he’s too small to move them, too weak. He’s like this tall, roughly:
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Michael finally came strolling in engrossed in a conversation with Russel Crowe. This image was captured as MT went over some basic lovemaking tips with Mr. Crowe. Mr. Crowe swears that Michael’s tips are the reason he’s famous. The reason Mr. Crowe’s famous, that is — Michael’s famous primarily because he was the first to prove that dolphins aren’t the gentle comrades we’d always taken them for:


His $5000/hr consultation with The Gladiator complete, MT drank a potion to make him drum faster.


This still from Blair Witch reveals why Michael’s character was really left on the cutting-room floor: it wasn’t politics, as a nation of fans heatedly alleged — the fact is Michael just didn’t look very scared. His character was a beacon of calm in the middle of a movie that demanded its characters to lose their shit from fear.


Keith arrived and set about stringing. Destro forbade him to sit on the couch, but he did anyway. Destro grumbled all day about this. He wondered aloud whether he actually had any authority with us.


Paolo, our italianate production professional, finally dragged his ass in and was ushered immediately to his seat by an impatient and incontinent Destro.


Michael burned through the drum tracks; this expression he wore the whole time, impressing everyone.


The boys warmed up their pipes with several cantos of gregorian chant; these will be available as b-sides.


Keith couldn’t believe some of the shit he was hearing; he spent much of Sunday trying to get a Spin correspondent to come over and bear witness. They didn’t send anybody, but word somehow got out and a lady from Men’s Health showed up and shot Michael for the cover (beach scene, MT emerging from surf).
We’ve still got 5 or 6 days of recording/mixing ahead of us, but there’s a general feeling that things are going well. Destro, as usual, provided the most quotable assay of group sentiment in his gravelly, intelligent baritone: “Everyone has done a goddamn great job thus far, and has cause to be proud. But beware complacency; they brought me in on Mariah Carey’s last project and that was looking absolutely great on day two and then, by the end of it, we collectively realized that we had put a real shit-hammer in record stores. And we were ashamed of that.”

Readers of the WAS Scientific Intronet Periodical,

meet Vince DeNunzio —

cold, calculating, constructive with criticism; the consummate consummate; always one step ahead of the curve, always game to settle a fist-fight with a knuckle sandwich; a physique to match his bearing – which is plaid, and often immitated – and a smile like a string of pearls, cuz his teeth are like pearls, cuz they’re shiny, white, perfectly round and relatively fragile. He’s the man of a thousand faces, all of them very similar. He’s the man who, if you saw him in a crowd — though you’ve met him a thousand times, spent countless hours in his company — you wouldn’t recognize him, if you had the retrograde amnesia, like the guy in memento, the movie, and if you didn’t have a polaroid of Vince, or, more likely, you had one but didn’t cross reference him with your stack of polaroids, cuz he’s just another guy you’re passing in the crowd, so why check him?, why cross-reference?, except that you might catch him staring at you and looking away too quickly, way too quickly, and then whistling very suspiciously and nodding greetings at people who don’t notice him, cuz that’s how he does his undercover work, Vince, then you might check your stack of polaroids, where you’d probably find his picture. And in the white bottom margin would be written.

Minor Alterations to Song Lyrics Followed by Evaluation of Merit

Living on a Prayer, Bon Jovi
What if JBJ had settled on the word ‘layer’ before he reached ‘prayer’ in his rhyming dictionary?

original:
WHOA-OH, we’re halfway there,
WHOA-OOH! Livin’ on a prayer.
Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear,
WHOA-OOH! Livin’ on a prayer.

now this:
WHOA-HO! We’re halfway they-er,
WHOA-HOOO!!! Livin’ on a layer.
Take my hand, we’ll make it I sway-er,
WHOA-HOOO!!! Livin’ on a layer…

EVALUATION:
What does Jovi mean by ‘layer’ here? Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear; we’re living on a layer. Of what? Does he mean like a different layer of reality because they’re so in love? So, in a sense, when you’re that in love you can’t really lose? You’re like on a totally different ‘layer’? This is a strong change. It replaces a fairly clich�d sentiment with the fresh notion of living on a separate layer.

When the Fire Burns Over the Seas, Atrocity
What if these German metal gods had gone with ‘hounds’ instead of ‘areas’ in the opening verse of their fan fave When the Fire…?

original:
The Earth has suffered since the day
As mankind went insane
Children are playing on infected grounds
Fish and birds are shooed out of their areas

or this:
The Earth has suffered since the day
As mankind went insane
Children are playing on infected grounds
Fish and birds are shooed away by hounds

EVALUATION:
We love Atrocity, but we’ve always felt that songwriter Gunther Grass chickened out a little bit at the end of this verse. ‘Areas’ is the kind of weak, non-descriptive catch-all word best left to folk bands; Atrocity is better than that. The idea of replacing that vague descriptor with a concrete detail like hounds chasing things is sure tempting; the fact that ‘hounds’ rhymes with ‘grounds’ makes it irresistable.

Nookie, Limp Bizkit
What if the word ‘Nookie’ were replaced with ‘Rookie’? Huh? What if?

original:
I did it all for the Nookie (huh?)
The Nookie (what?)
So you can take that cookie
And shove it up your (whoa!), shove it up your (hey!), shove it up your (wha!)

or is this maybe better:
I did it all for the Rookie! (who?)
The Rookie! (oh!)
So you can take that cookie
And shove it up your (ya!), shove it up your (drat!), shove it up your (ya!)

EVALUATION:
Who’s this ‘rookie’? Is he the new recruit? The new percussion guy who also goes ‘scratchy scratchy’ on the record player? If so then this is a pretty interesting change. The idea that Durst went through the motions of dating a girl just for the Rookie’s sake is pretty affecting. It casts Durst as a considerate role model who’s aware that his romantic habits are likely to rub off on the younger members of his band, and that it’s therefore his responsibility to show the Rookie how things are done around camp Bizkit. The latter half of the chorus would then seem to be directed to a Bizkit hanger-on who’s offering Durst a cookie as payment for dating a girl, possibly his own sister. “Screw you, dude,” says Durst, “I did it for the Rookie, so he’d know that what goes on OUTside the sack is just as important as what goes on INside the sack, expecially if what you’re trying to do is make sure to pee right before you go to bed so you don’t wake up in the morning with a damp, naughty surprise.”

Casey Jones, The Grateful Dead
What if the Dead had gone with these important changes…

original
Drivin’ that train
High on cocaine
Casey Jones you better
watch your speed
Trouble ahead
Trouble behind
and you know that notion
just crossed my mind

Friend-on-my-tip remix:
Drivin’ that train
High on propane
Just about that time I think I
DROPPED MY BEANS
Doubled my hands
Doubled my eyes
Still not quite an octopus,
not quite a fly

EVALUATION:
The f-o-m-t remix has a nice specificity to the lyrics that was critically lacking in the original ‘Casey Jones’ — the last four lines of the original are pretty much gibberish. A good story is about watching characters change and adapt: in the remix, we watch the narrator undergo an interesting change, and that adds a sense of progress. Also, propane is a far more plausible drug for a train conductor to be abusing — fact is, they can’t afford cocaine. The original ‘Casey’ contains the ominous warning that Casey Jones had better ‘watch [his] speed’. But how much more troubling than this gentle reminder is the idea that Casey is so f’ed up from inhaling all that propane that he has dropped his precious beans.

FANatics: we need your help.

FANatics: we need your help. We value your opinion, so we wouldn’t think of making a decision about our new look without your input. That’s right, WAS will be shifting to a whole new look over the next few weeks and days and even hours. Please peruse the dozen-or-so options we’re considering and shoot us an email explaining which look you like best for us and why. We will weigh your arguments judiciously, then get the appropriate hairdos, shirts, pants, and, obviously, shoes and hats. (In many cases we will also have to acquire what are commonly referred to by the kids as “jowls”.) Here, then, are those looks.

Children of the corn: It

Children of the corn:
It has been an action-packed couple of weeks, people, and we’re NOT just referring to the War on Terrorism (

The Science Diaries #1